Aibu to confront rude manager

[Superfoodie123]

Hi

I have a manager who is quite rude, at first I thought she was straight talking but she's inconsistent, sometimes nice sometimes incredibly rude.

Eg, in meetings if I suggest something she'll say something like 'we have already discussed that and, no were not doing that' very cut throat, other egs. Will you go down and speak to blah blah and get them to sort the phone out. Then I'll say 'I'm just sorting this first' she'll look me in the eye and rudely say erm we can do that after please go down now (it's as much her job to do that as me) I'm in a medium to senior role so not her assistant.

She's sometimes super nice which I find weird, always after she's been rude so it's like she's trying to make up for it. This whole thing started after she marked up an email of mine to go internally and just worded it the way she would say it but the message was the same. I told her I don't want to be managed this way but suggestions are fine and she seemed cool with it. But now she's being super rude and I really don't like working with her out of fear of more put downs. Im generally feeling anxious because of it.

Any suggestions, how do I approach this in a non awkward way? I hate confrontation

With your email example I think you are both saying different things. She is saying 'can you do this, yes or no?' and you are much more wishy-washy and gives the recipient the option to commit to something they cannot see through.

I understand where you're coming from OP. There are many managers who micromanage for no other reason than they can't bare to relinquish control over things, and is nothing to do with the capabilities of their member of staff. My last manager was like this and she made my life hell. It was lots of little things to undermine me, like the pointless redrafting of correspondence you have mentioned, dismissing my suggestions and deliberately (it seemed) misunderstanding, misinterpreting or misrepresenting things I said. I've been in my job for 15 years and am very experienced but in the space of 12 months she absolutely shattered my confidence. I raised the issues with her manager (after my attempts to address the issues with her directly failed) and it came to light that I'm far from the first person to have experienced and been affected by her style of 'management'. In fact the lady I replaced left just to get away from her! My new manager is the complete opposite and it's like a breath of fresh air.
It's all about trust, respect and being treated like an adult. Just because someone is above you in the management chain doesn't mean they can do and say what they like with no come back.

If I'm aware of someone sending an email, it's likely to be because the issue has been escalated to me as Manager so then, yes, I will want to read the email before it is sent to ensure the message is given correctly.

So not every email, but some I would look at.

She is your Manager, she is Managing you and asking you to do things, correcting you when a decision has already been made without you? Sounds like a clash of styles.

Reading your OP, it's actually sounds like you are the problem, not your manager, everything about it screams disrespect fir her & that you don't like to be managed. Sounds to me like she's just trying to do her job & feels that you aren't particularly co operative p, so she needs to shit yo down quickly & firmly.

I can possibly throw some light on her changeable attitude towards you as I've managed similar sounding staff & I did started to get pissed off that when we'd already covered things, I'd explained cost restraints to certain ideas of hers etc & yet she still pushed it whilst I was being nice. I didn't have time to piss around going over the same old ground with her, so I took to very abrupt & deliberately rude shut downs, as that worked far better to get her to pull her horns in & get in with the job, or let me get in without unnecessary interruptions than being nice to her. I liked the woman, so I could still be perfectly nice to her the rest of the time though. She was also middle management, but she was still meant to take my lead, as ultimately, I was responsible for any Fock ups, as I'm sure your manager is.

Sounds to me like you need to move on & up a ladder rung if you can't just accept that this is her job.

Reading your OP, it's actually sounds like you are the problem, not your manager. Everything about it screams disrespect for her & that you don't like to be managed. Sounds to me like she's just trying to do her job & feels that you aren't particularly co operative/hard work, so she needs to shut you down quickly & firmly.

I can possibly throw some light on her changeable attitude towards you as I've managed similar sounding staff & I did started to get pissed off that when we'd already covered things, I'd explained cost restraints to certain ideas of hers etc & yet she still pushed it whilst I was being nice. I didn't have time to piss around going over the same old ground with her, so I took to very abrupt & deliberately rude shut downs, as that worked far better to get her to pull her horns in & get in with the job, or let me get in without unnecessary interruptions than being nice to her. I liked the woman, so I could still be perfectly nice to her the rest of the time though. She was also middle management, but she was still meant to take my lead, as ultimately, I was responsible for any cock ups, as I'm sure your manager is.

Sounds to me like you need to move on & up a ladder rung if you can't just accept that this is her job.

no idea how my unedited reply posted too

@SweetNorthernRose thank you for responding. I think it's hard for others to understand without having been micromanaged themselves, it's like emotional blackmail. You can't question their attitude because they are senior but there's no way you could get away with talking to people like that. Its does break your confidence if you are not trusted at work, you start to watch your back and think you've got nothing to offer.

I would be so open to her feedback if it meant I got treated with respect after, I'm not saying I'm perfect but why not treat me as an adult and communicate with me.

The whole 'do as you're told' don't expect respect or to be heard by your manager attitude on this thread is quite sad to me.

@RockinHippy

This is not the same situation at all. I barely talk or have ideas in meetings (fear of embarrassment by her) sometimes I do however, agree with what others have said and that's when I get shut down.

I think a lot of Mumsnet posters love authority and rules regardless of whether they are reasonable and actually achieve anything.
Any manager that tries to micromanage someone is actually a poor manager who would benefit from additional training. Sadly, many managers don't get adequate support and mentoring so just do what they think is correct to get the job done when there are much more effective ways of working.

The whole 'do as you're told' don't expect respect or to be heard by your manager attitude on this thread is quite sad to me.

It it's not just about that though. I'd agree that's the sign of an incompetent boss if they continuously treat all senior/middle level staff in that way. Trust me no boss wants to do that. It makes our job much harder & we'd much rather have staff we can trust to get on with the job within the constraints they need to fir the company.

If she's only doing this with you, then the problem, or perceived problem, sounds like it actually lies with you or you've at least led her to think that it does, in that perhaps your disrespect to her has been too obvious.

The micromanaging but is really crap though, & it will make you feel awful & unfortunately if she's doing this with you & no one else, then it dies sound like your days are numbered I'm afraid

Did anything else happen around the time of the email? I read it as either:
a) something has made her think you need a bit more closer watching, and as you've resisted that, she feels she has to watch you even more as you're not even aware of any performance issues and seem touchy

b) the email thing was minor - she was editing and deleting bits and just on autopilot reworded a bit- I've done that many times. You took it as some micromanaging thing, and called her out - she's now insecure and "stamping her authority" on you.

c) she's a bully who has moved on to you.

Is she well liked, do people see her as bullying usually or just straight talking?

To me the OP has said it's effected her confidence levels and self belief, who ever thinks that's a good way to manage is nuts. I do get the points though that the manager has changed their style perhaps because the OP responds how the manger wants them to respond with less questioning. My advice is grin and bare it for now. Expect her to be blunt and do as you're told. That way you're not aggravating the situation

The manager's amendment to your email was just more succinct. Surely you can see that? It's just work and not worth arguing about. She's not picking on you, just doesn't appreciate the back chat.

People have different management styles and learning how to adapt to them is a skill. So maybe you just need to accept that she adopts a more direct and hands-on approach. Perhaps it isn't the best way, but its her way and as long as she's your manager it's not likely to change. So if she asks you to do something, she probably means now, so do it unless you're dealing with something else urgent. If she rejects your ideas in meetings or corrects your emails, just accept that this is her way and try not to take it personally (and tbh I much prefer a meeting to be kept on track rather than swept off on tangents, so I think that if you suggest something that's not going to work it's much better to just say this).

I don't see what confronting her is going to do -- I doubt it's going to make her start giving you more leeway.

If she is actually picking on you, it's a different matter and you should keep records to take to senior management, or just look into moving jobs.

Ok, so it's not what she says, it's how she says it. She speaks to you in what you consider a rude tone of voice.

The bottom line is though from your examples she's not done anything wrong, in themselves these are simply examples of managing a difficult employee, she asks you do to something, instead of doing it you tell her you're doing something else, and will do it later, you don't ask her how critical it is and can you finish what you're doing first.

I'd strongly suspect you don't like her and seriously object to being managed by her, and she's subsequently finding it difficult to manage you.

Ultimately op I will warn you, this is a war you can seldom win. Particularly when it comes down to nuance of tone. Any issues you raise will look like you're simply a pita employee with a vendetta because you don't like her and don't want to be managed by her.

I'd think carefully about how you're reacting to her, because it looks emotional to me, and this is a war you'll likely loose.

It is down right rude to shoot down every idea that some one suggests. She says she’s already discussed them well when. It’s not in ops earshot is it or she wouldn’t be suggesting them

It's really not rude if they are shit ideas that have already been mooted.

It's work, not therapy.

I despise people blowing hot and cold. At least you know where you are with a 24/7 cunt

It know it’s not Therapy. It’s also not Alcatraz

Exactly, the op can leave any time she pleases.

@mauvaisereputation
People have different management styles and learning how to adapt to them is a skill.
The sign of a good manager is actually that they are able to adapt their style of management to their individual members of staff in order to get the most out of that person, not the other way round. We're not robots, everyone approaches things a bit differently or learns in a different way and a good manager should recognise that.

@Bluntness100 not exactly, I have a small child and part time roles are hard to come by in what I do. So put up with lack of respect and sit quiet because my input is useless to people like you?

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I know, would respect her if she owned the bitch title not dived in and out when it pleases her

@wowfudge there was a lot more amendments for minor things. Why not send the email herself if she wanted to write it?

The internal employee i sent it to asked me if i was alright as i seemed annoyed in the email. That's cos it was all changed to her rude tone of voice

I have been in a situation where a difficult employee objected to being asked to do things, sometimes in a particular way. In my case, the person didn't report to me which they took to mean they could be as awkward as they liked. A completely disproportionate amount of time was spent managing them. If they'd reported to me I'd have put a performance management process in place. At work you're there to do a job and you accept people have different approaches but you have to work together. I bet that if you asked her to check things for you or how you should approach something that would go down better than thinking you know better and she's interfering.