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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of DH’s sleeping habits

95 replies

Winterriscoming · 15/10/2019 08:08

DH and I (both early 30s, no DC) work FT and return home around 6pm. After dinner he’ll head straight to the sofa to watch TV. After I’ve pottered about getting myself ready for bed, I’ll find him fast asleep on the sofa by 8pm in his work clothes...same routine every night. Good conversation and sex in the evening goes out the window. DH doesn’t wake properly again until the morning, but will stumble half asleep in to the bedroom in the middle of the night and get in to bed in his work clothes. I wake up most mornings lying next to him still wearing his shirt, belt, cuff links, socks and suit trousers, which I find very unpleasant, unattractive and unhygienic. He does shower in the morning and change in to fresh clothes.

I’ve told DH numerous times how I feel and have suggested he get changed in to lounge wear before or immediately after dinner to stop it happening. DH says he doesn’t want to get changed straight away, he wants to “relax” first on the sofa (leading to him falling asleep). Ive tried waking him up when I’m going to bed to try and get him to get changed and come to bed but he’ll still be half asleep and will refuse to change because he’s “too tired”.

I have spoken to DH multiple times who feels I am being totally U for being bothered by something so trivial and should leave him to it. AIBU for being fed up? Surely no woman would want to sleep next to her DH fully clothed from his working day every night?!

OP posts:

DC3dilemma · 15/10/2019 09:38

Do you have a spare room/ fold out sofa or something similar? He needs to sleep elsewhere if he is bringing outdoor, work clothing into bed. It’s really unhygienic.

I’d just let him know that this isn’t reasonable in a shared bed, and he has to find a solution.

Marmozet · 15/10/2019 09:38

If health concerns have been ruled out then it sounds like laziness. Sleeping in bed in your work clothes is grim.

TryingToBeBold · 15/10/2019 09:39

Turn it into something fun..
Delay dinner 30 mins. When he gets in the door, kiss him, take his belt off and lead him to the shower.
See what he wears after that? Do it a couple of times and maybe get the hint.
But otherwise talk to him. Tell him hes starting to smell or that he smells when he gets in.

Original poster

Winterriscoming · 15/10/2019 09:40

@andyoldlabour I appreciate that for you, sleep apnoea was the issue but as stated in my post, DH has seen numerous specialists and sleep apnoea has been ruled out by professionals. If I thought for one moment that DH’s issues were caused by a health issue, I wouldn’t be posting here. I appreciate that others may not believe this, based on their own experiences, but extensive investigations have already taken place.

OP posts:

HumphreyCobblers · 15/10/2019 09:42

I am the least fussy person I know but even I would baulk at sharing a bed with someone in their work clothes.

I agree, do not ttc with this man. He won't agree to do even one thing to accomodate your wishes, imagine trying to share parenting with someone who sleeps all evening, every evening.

madcatladyforever · 15/10/2019 09:48

It's ridiculous. It's almost like he's trying to get out of being undressed. Do you have a sex life?
I get out of my work stuff as soon as I get home and put on a track suit or PJS.
I can't imagine anothing g more uncomfortable than sleeping in work clothes.
He should have a check up and blood test urgently.

Interestedwoman · 15/10/2019 10:01

That's kind of trampy, and it's also annoying because you've told him how it feels to you and he hasn't bothered changing, so he isn't considering your feelings.

It does seem like there's something wrong with him (I know you say he's had tests etc.) most people wouldn't do that.

Everyone has their quirks I suppose.

Has he always done this, or when did it start?

I only don't get changed out of my clothes for bed if I'm alone and probably really pissed. :)

TatianaLarina · 15/10/2019 10:05

An ultimatum might focus his mind.

Ce7913 · 15/10/2019 10:05

Is he an avoidant personality in general? Does he tend to stick his head in the sand about problems?

You don't have to answer this here if you don't want to, but do you think he's avoiding intimacy/your relationship in general?

Ce7913 · 15/10/2019 10:07

Ah, sorry, I see you've already answered that. My bad; I'm doing five things at once over here.

NearlyGranny · 15/10/2019 10:12

Your sofa needs to go; it's obviously way too comfy. I'm only half joking. Soft chairs are among the worst things that have ever happened for human health. They look so innocent.

Charles11 · 15/10/2019 10:21

I’ve got a friend who lets her dc sleep in their school uniform on Friday nights ‘for a treat’
Odd to me but maybe your dh grew up like that and now wants to treat himself every night?

bookwormsforever · 15/10/2019 10:33

Turn it into something fun.. Delay dinner 30 mins. When he gets in the door, kiss him, take his belt off and lead him to the shower. See what he wears after that? Do it a couple of times and maybe get the hint. But otherwise talk to him.

Come off it, @TryingToBeBold! Why should the OP lead a grown man to the shower?? I'm sure the last thing she feels like doing is having sex with him. Also, rtft - she has tried to talk to him numerous times and he's not interested in changing.

Don't make this the OP's problem to sort! Her h is not a child.

madcatladyforever · 15/10/2019 10:33

Seriously I think he's avoiding you.
I'm to, fat, have sleep apnoea and get up at 5 am and until recently did a 4 hour commute to work in a busy NHS clinic all day often without a break.
I'm also menopausal yet I get home, shower , change into PJS and buzz about tidying and doing home administration, cook and usually start feeling tired about 10pm.
So this is definitely NOT normal for a 30 year old who is healthy.
What will he be like with a small baby. He'll never be there for you. You will be run ragged. It's not on.

GrumpiestCat · 15/10/2019 10:37

I think you can put your foot down about taking his clothes off in bed. I'd not like to share a bed with someone fully clothed. I need a lovely chest to snuggle on If he's fully clothed and crunched on sofa in a lit room or in a belt and braces in bed he's not going to be getting decent sleep. If he chucks some joggers or shorts and a t shirt on he might find he sleeps more soundly and doesn't need the sofa top up in the evenings. Maybe point that out.

What you're asking him to do isn't extreme, would be easy to do, and its actually quite disrespectful of him to continue given it's causing you considerable upset.

joystir59 · 15/10/2019 10:38

Does he drink? Is that why he is so knackered so early?

KatharinaRosalie · 15/10/2019 10:40

Of course it's not hygienic to go to bed in the same clothes you have been wearing in the office, public transport, street etc the entire day.
Do you both need to get up at 5AM? It is an early start, I would be tired too. Not that tired that I can't change clothes though, that's just lazyness.

Daffodil2018 · 15/10/2019 12:02

Turn it into something fun..
Delay dinner 30 mins. When he gets in the door, kiss him, take his belt off and lead him to the shower.

This is like something out of Cosmopolitan magazine in the 90s

You should not have to use sex as an incentive to get a grown man to behave like an adult and practise basic self-care.

SamBeckettslastleap · 15/10/2019 12:08

I'm in my 30's and could easily sleeplike your dh, ie have dinner and fall asleep on the sofa (but not the fully clothed thing)
I don't because
A. I'm an adult with responsibility and I make sure all those things are done first and
B. Like someone else said not all sleep is created equal. I know when I sleep like that I have longer time asleep but the sleep is poor quality.

Ken1976 · 15/10/2019 12:20

My husband used to do this. I used to repeatedly wake him to go to bed. Very annoying. So I decided to turn the heating off and leave him there. Waking a few times at 2am and freezing cold soon cured him of the habit. He'd jump up at first shout after that 🤣

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2019 13:49

So do you have a spare room???

Morado · 15/10/2019 13:54

Ugh it drives me mad if my OH stays in his work clothes for more than 20 mins after he gets home 😂 I used to feel the same when I was in school and my brother would stay in his uniform for ages. I have to change immediately when I come home!

Confrontayshunme · 15/10/2019 14:50

My husband tested clear of all the normal tiredness causing things, and he was told he didn't have sleep apnea after a test. Then, he went to a private doc who discovered that due to his height (6'7"), his throat was collapsing a funny way when he slept on his back. It wasn't strictly sleep apnea, but a functional problem which cause his sleep to be interrupted and he NEVER had deep or REM sleep. He might try a fitbit type device as many of those measure sleep quality and time in different phases now and show to a doctor.

Otherwise, I would leave him to it. My DH will sleep in jeans sometimes which drives me nuts but is ultimately his decision.

FairiesontheSwing · 16/10/2019 07:42

I think banning work clothes in bed is reasonable. If he won't change, he can sleep elsewhere.

SesameOil · 16/10/2019 08:27

How exactly does he think you're going to get pregnant if he can't stay awake long enough to have sex?

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