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AIBU?

To be fed up of DH’s sleeping habits

95 replies

Winterriscoming · 15/10/2019 08:08

DH and I (both early 30s, no DC) work FT and return home around 6pm. After dinner he’ll head straight to the sofa to watch TV. After I’ve pottered about getting myself ready for bed, I’ll find him fast asleep on the sofa by 8pm in his work clothes...same routine every night. Good conversation and sex in the evening goes out the window. DH doesn’t wake properly again until the morning, but will stumble half asleep in to the bedroom in the middle of the night and get in to bed in his work clothes. I wake up most mornings lying next to him still wearing his shirt, belt, cuff links, socks and suit trousers, which I find very unpleasant, unattractive and unhygienic. He does shower in the morning and change in to fresh clothes.

I’ve told DH numerous times how I feel and have suggested he get changed in to lounge wear before or immediately after dinner to stop it happening. DH says he doesn’t want to get changed straight away, he wants to “relax” first on the sofa (leading to him falling asleep). Ive tried waking him up when I’m going to bed to try and get him to get changed and come to bed but he’ll still be half asleep and will refuse to change because he’s “too tired”.

I have spoken to DH multiple times who feels I am being totally U for being bothered by something so trivial and should leave him to it. AIBU for being fed up? Surely no woman would want to sleep next to her DH fully clothed from his working day every night?!

OP posts:

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Am I being unreasonable?

444 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable

8%

You are NOT being unreasonable

92%

andyoldlabour · 16/10/2019 09:05

The only way that you can diagnose sleep apnoea correctly is by an overnight sleep study, at a dedicated NHS hospital. You cannot do it by talking to someone, looking at their size/weight or worse still, collar size.

www.blf.org.uk/support-for-you/obstructive-sleep-apnoea-osa/diagnosis/epworth-sleepiness-scale

BeUpStanding · 16/10/2019 09:05

I’ve got a friend who lets her dc sleep in their school uniform on Friday nights ‘for a treat’

dudsville · 16/10/2019 09:14

Since you've been to the doctor and talked with him about the effect of it on you and there's no way forward from those two avenues I'm going to suggest he's just still growing up. I don't mean that in an unkind way, it's just more of a young person thing to do.

minipie · 16/10/2019 09:25

This is weird. Any chance he is actually awake for several hours in the night? So eg he sleeps 8pm-midnight, is awake midnight-4, comes to bed and sleeps 4-6? That’s the only reason I can think of, other than medical, why he’d be so tired he’d fall asleep at 8.
Can you check internet usage somehow?

I wouldn’t rule out medical issues though. There are quite a few that wouldn’t be picked up by blood tests. Eg my dad used to fall asleep all the time, turned out he had rampant yeast overgrowth in his gut and would get a sleepy reaction to carbs.

TatianaLarina · 16/10/2019 09:27

OP has said that DH has seen ‘numerous’ specialists and that apnoea has been ruled out by professionals. She didn’t say he had been diagnosed on collar size, weight or talk.

AmberAndAlexsMum · 16/10/2019 11:28

If all else fails, get rid of the sofa

Swinningforza · 16/10/2019 11:31

Sounds plain old weird to me.

SpinneyHill · 16/10/2019 11:38

Why does it bother you so much? Is it because it's not the 'usual' way of doing things or are you taking it as a personal slight?

I can see it's annoying but why does it feel like such a big deal rather than a slightly grim peccadillo? are you ashamed of being with him because of it? does it seem like he's failing at adulting?

I do agree with you and I know that I would be bitching about it in your shoes but I think after a while I would have just accepted that's his thing and given up!

Wonkybanana · 16/10/2019 11:41

So he does want sex, just at times when it suits him.

He won't get even the slightest bit changed and gets into bed in his day clothes.

He's absolutely no company for you in the evening.

What a prince, not. I know you've said you have to get up for work, but can you start doing something on your own in that time? Preferably out of the house sometimes? Go to a friend's house for coffee, go with a friend to an early film showing? I bet he starts to object when you're not just sitting around in the house on your lonesome while he sleeps.

TatianaLarina · 16/10/2019 11:41

Why does it bother you so much

I dunno maybe because her DH is MIA every evening?

Wingedharpy · 16/10/2019 12:02

Sell the sofa.
Buy 2 Queen Anne chairs.

ElspethFlashman · 16/10/2019 12:49

The only way that you can diagnose sleep apnoea correctly is by an overnight sleep study, at a dedicated NHS hospital

Well you can do a home study, but the sleep clinic have to set you up on the machine before you bring it home with you.

I agree that unless this lad has had an overnight sleep study, then it's not out ruled at all.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/10/2019 12:51

My kids sometimes used to sleep in their school uniforms.

Short of pinning down and stripping a fourteen year old forcibly, if they decide to do it there's not an awful lot you can do about it, apart from wait for them to grow out of the 'minging' stage.

They all did.

andyoldlabour · 16/10/2019 13:24

ElspethFlashman

Yes, all those years ago, they gave me an oxymeter to wear on my wrist, and when I took it back to them the next day they gave me a CPAP machine to use over the weekend and booked me in for an O/N study on the Monday. It turned out I was having an apnoea (stopping breathing) around 68 times each hour for approx 30 seconds each time.

LemonPrism · 16/10/2019 13:25

I'd get him checked by a doctor as he sounds exhausted. Other than that - make him change as soon as he gets home and have a long conversation

Biancadelrioisback · 16/10/2019 13:35

Sorry but presuming they share the house and if so she cant "make him sleep elsewhere" or "make him get changed when he gets in from work". Would you be happy with your DH making you do something you don't want to? Kicking you out of your own bed? Banning you from wearing what you want and when?
I get that it's crap that he's asleep by 8 every night and that can be quite lonely, but OP even says she is off doing other stuff and getting herself ready for bed so it's hardly like she's sat waiting for him. From the sound of it, by the time she's finished whatever she is doing, he's asleep.
He's been checked out by numerous specialists and it's not a medical thing, so pointless to keep repeating that he should go to the doctors.
At this rate, it's either a frank conversation with him or just accept that this is how it is.

LemonPrism · 16/10/2019 13:37

Does he take any antihistamines? As DP and I discovered he was so exhausted because of his "non-drowsy" ones. 1/10 still feel tired

LemonPrism · 16/10/2019 13:40

@ChilledBee most of the world is in the 'rat race' and we all manage to function

ChilledBee · 16/10/2019 13:41

Mm and some of us are absolutely exhausted and fall asleep on the sofa every night.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/10/2019 13:55

As all medical explanations have been looked at, I'd start to get annoyed about this. It's just utter laziness not to remove work clothes from your body before getting into bed.

And what sort of life is this for you? You and he must never spend any time together on the evenings during the week.

Does he cook the dinner/clear it away?

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