To be fed up of DH’s sleeping habits

[Winterriscoming]

DH and I (both early 30s, no DC) work FT and return home around 6pm. After dinner he’ll head straight to the sofa to watch TV. After I’ve pottered about getting myself ready for bed, I’ll find him fast asleep on the sofa by 8pm in his work clothes...same routine every night. Good conversation and sex in the evening goes out the window. DH doesn’t wake properly again until the morning, but will stumble half asleep in to the bedroom in the middle of the night and get in to bed in his work clothes. I wake up most mornings lying next to him still wearing his shirt, belt, cuff links, socks and suit trousers, which I find very unpleasant, unattractive and unhygienic. He does shower in the morning and change in to fresh clothes.

I’ve told DH numerous times how I feel and have suggested he get changed in to lounge wear before or immediately after dinner to stop it happening. DH says he doesn’t want to get changed straight away, he wants to “relax” first on the sofa (leading to him falling asleep). Ive tried waking him up when I’m going to bed to try and get him to get changed and come to bed but he’ll still be half asleep and will refuse to change because he’s “too tired”.

I have spoken to DH multiple times who feels I am being totally U for being bothered by something so trivial and should leave him to it. AIBU for being fed up? Surely no woman would want to sleep next to her DH fully clothed from his working day every night?!

[Iloveacurry]

You’ve tried to help him. Honestly, I’d just leave him in the sofa and don’t bother trying to wake him up to go to bed.

[HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo]

Probably this is something he’s done for years, and so he doesn’t think it’s weird.

I’m with you, though. It’s weird!

Is he drinking a lot of booze in the evenings?

Have you got freakishly comfy sofas? My friend had a pair of sofas on her house that I couldn’t sit on as I would honestly fall asleep within about 15 minutes. I’d always wake up and she’d have covered me with a blanket!

[theWarOnPeace]

That would drive me nuts! Why doesn’t the lack of intimacy bother him? That would be my biggest question. There’s a solution quite easily available - change when you get in, so his refusal to do that is suspicious to me. My step father is in his sixties, still manages to shower and change when he gets in from work. He won’t even come down for a cup of tea or anything until he’s done that, because he says he knows otherwise he’ll end up last the point of doing it. I don’t understand why your DH refuses to. It’s logical to just shower immediately to circumvent the whole issue, so there must be some deeper reason why he’s avoiding sex and/or intimacy.

[ChilledBee]

I think it is reasonable to be this tired running the Rat Race.

[lovealab]

I had the same problem with my ExH....turns out he was an alcoholic so was passed out more than asleep ........not saying your Partner is the same but I was totally unaware of the secret drinking that was happening........whatever the reason, YANBU

[Winterriscoming]

@HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo he doesn’t drink at all!

[SuchAToDo]

Op why is his sleeping habits out of sync...? You should.suggest that he goes to the Dr

Unless he is falling asleep fully clothed early so he can stay up half the night secretly Skyping/webcamming/Facebook video calling ladies online?

Otherwise why won't he just change into lounge wear and go to bed and fall asleep there?

[KatyCarrCan]

You need to do something that stops him sitting on the sofa and preferably needs a change of clothes. Maybe suggest going for a walk or going to the gym together?
It's funny, I have the opposite problem. DH gets into pjs/loungewear almost as soon as he comes through the door and I wish he'd stay dressed in nice clothes a bit longer

[SuchAToDo]

Op if be tempted to ask him why he doesn't want to go to bed with me any longer...and when he says what do you mean, I'd say you would rather sleep in living room half the night...op he is doing that deliberately...he could go to bed if he wanted to like any other sleepy person at same time as you if he really wanted to

Are there any issues between you that may be contributing to him not wanting to be in a situation where you would expect intimacy from him?

[Idontwanttotalk]

"After I’ve pottered about getting myself ready for bed, I’ll find him fast asleep on the sofa by 8pm in his work clothes."
Even you get yourself ready for bed before 8 p.m. A lot of people would consider that unusual.
What about changing your routines so that some evenings you do something with your lives like going out and seeing friends or going out to the cinema or to a hobby or having a date night? Even just having a walk around the block.

If neither of you have any plans then maybe he is tired and bored?

I second the idea about modifying diet and taking vitamin B12. I wonder if he may have sub-clinical Hypothyroidism and has the symptoms but still measures in the 'normal' range on his blood test. It's pretty common.

[Winterriscoming]

There are no other martial issues. Intimacy wise he’s still very much interested, but usually weekends or in the morning (after a shower!). So I don’t think his sleeping is a conscious effort to avoid me or any unresolved issues.

[Winterriscoming]

@Idontwanttotalk the routine described is on a week night. Every now and then we may have a meal out to go to, but most week nights we don’t go out as we have an early start the next day for work. Weekends we are always out and about.

[MilkTrayLimeBarrel]

OP - I have a very similar problem. My DH works very long hours - up at 5ish most days with a full day's work. He comes home around 6 and does change into loungewear and we eat at 8. After that we watch TV for a bit but then he falls asleep on the sofa and that is that until the next morning! He grumbles if I wake him up and grumbles if I don't , saying he is fed up with sleeping on the sofa as if it's my fault! I don't think he has been to bed for a year! To be honest, I prefer having the bed to myself, but it still feels wrong to me.

[Winterriscoming]

@MilkTrayLimeBarrel glad to hear I’m not alone, although at least your DH bothers to get himself changed!

[billy1966]

I think him getting into bed fully clothed is disgusting.
Of course you would have a problem.

Honestly, if he can't change his routine to change his clothes when he comes in for work, I would think you have a huge problem because of what it represents.

Think soooooo long and hard about what children might mean in a relationship like this.

[bookwormsforever]

I hope you're not planning having dc with him.... inagine how tired he'd be then...

This is the bit in your post thet concerns me: I’ve told DH numerous times how I feel... DH says he doesn’t want to get changed straight away, he wants to “relax” first on the sofa... he feels I am being totally U for being bothered by something so trivial and should leave him to it.

He's not interested in changing anything and doesn't see a problem with it. Where do you go from there?

YANBU at all. It's weird, boring - what are you supposed to do all evening?? - and I would not fancy sleeping next to h in his work clothes. Dirty.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I doubt he is getting plenty of good quality sleep on a sofa in his suit and then waking up to go to bed. Sofas are great for dozing but not for a proper sleep. His work clothes are probably uncomfortable enough to wake him every so often. He then has to wake up, trek upstairs and go back to sleep in the middle of the night.

He should try a sleep tracker eg on a Fitbit and check how much good quality sleep he is getting. Not all sleep is created equal.

[notanurse2017]

Do not have children with this man.

[NoSauce]

Sounds like he’s got into a lazy habit. I would feel the same as you OP and I think would be insisting that he at least change his clothes ( I know you’ve tried ) even if he’s still sleeping on the sofa till he comes to bed.

Could you try and change your evening routine? Go for a walk/run together? Play a board game? Join the gym/yoga? Anything to get him out of this habit?

[Winterriscoming]

@bookwormsforever thank you, you have summed up exactly how I feel about it. DH would like to start ttc but naturally I’m very cautious about making any further commitments with him at the moment.

[SapatSea]

Was he always like this or is this recent (since marriage or living together)? some people find work and the commute more tiring than others. If he is getting up at five then falling asleep early it isn't so surprising. He should want to make some effort to spend time with you. It must be frustrating but he has his own needs too. Do you share cooking the evening meal and clearing up or is everything left to you as that would be very unfair?

Do you think he is digging his heels in as he feels "nagged" or dislikes being "told what to do" and so won't make the effort to change into PJ's or even remove some clothes to his boxers in consequence? I've known couples where one party, usually the man feels "curtailed" or "harnassed" once married and having to adapt and compromise as we all have to in relationship. They simply feel they shouldn't have to. I suppose you are trying to guage if it is a deliberate ploy to assert independence and control or just sheer exhaustion.

[ElspethFlashman]

No, this man would not be a particularly good Dad. Bad idea. He's just not capable of it.

I would ask him to move into the spare room. If he doesn't want to change, fine. But you have a right not to be woken up in the middle of the night by some smelly fucker jingling his belt beside you.

And you need to spell it out in crystal clear terms. "Whether you think its a trivial matter or not, I don't and this is affecting our marriage. If you're happy to keep affecting our marriage, then please have the courtesy of sleeping in the spare room and I'll book a counsellor for myself to talk about it to someone who cares to listen"

[Zaphodsotherhead]

WHY does he think it's acceptable to sleep in his work clothes? What would he do if he had a filthy job - farmer or coal merchant or something? Would he still do it?

My XH used to come home, eat dinner, put his plate on the floor and fall asleep on the sofa (leaving me to do the kids bedtimes), then wake up several hours later, fully refreshed and ready for a night of watching TV until the small hours, when he'd stagger to bed. He'd then complain how tired he was the next day... it becomes a habit. Habits can be broken. Presumably your DH got into this habit when he was single? Because I can't imagine how he ever managed to get women wooed into bed with this behaviour.

Try another reasonable conversation. Or maybe not having dinner until he's changed into something (anything!) other than his work clothes. Surely he can 'relax' in other clothes and it's hardly an arduous slog of hours to just change outer clothing? You're not asking him to climb Everest every evening!

[andyoldlabour]

"no he is not overweight and is very healthy diet wise. Sleep apnoea ruled out."

Seriously, is that your own diagnosis or has he seen a doctor. I went seven years with undiagnosed sleep apnoea, when I was eating healthy food and my weight was 11st. I just became more and more tired, was unable to concentrate, fell asleep on the couch every night, got to bed around 2 in the morning, got up at 6.
I was absolutely shattered all the time.
Due to my doctor's negligence - using my weight and collar size as only factors - my life was wrecked and I still have some very serious health issues.
Get him to the GP and insist he gets referred to a sleep clinic.

[bookwormsforever]

DH would like to start ttc but naturally I’m very cautious about making any further commitments with him at the moment.

That's sensible.

Ask him honestly how he thinks that would work. Will he magically be less tired after having a baby? Imagine you're at home with the baby, you've had a tough day, you want to hand over baby to him when he gets in but no, he has to sit on the couch and chill out. He falls asleep, leaving you to hold the baby all eve and get up all night with the baby.

Do you think he'd wake if the baby woke?