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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-law situation

82 replies

Kinikanas · 14/10/2019 19:52

Dear all
I was wondering if I m being unreasonable.
My in laws are actually quite nice people but in the past few years they have done small stuff which, combined, has started ticking me off! I have a bit of an aversion towards them and was wondering if it is justified. Here a list:

FIL is super stingy: he comes to our city once a month for work and stays over at our place but never thinks of inviting us out for dinner or anything
when FIL comes once a month, he sometimes does not communicate what time and ends up showing up too early sometimes
MIL forgot I m vegetarian for her birthday so I ended up having a slice of meat giving the rest to husband (didn t want to be rude on the spot). Next day I had indigestion which caused me a loud and long session in bathroom at their place (we stayed over because it is a 3 hr drive), as if I was not embarassed enough, when I got out, MIL asked in front of 10 brunch guests if there still is any toilet roll left in toilet.
day after wedding FIL asked me twice when we re having babies
once talking economy and politics and giving my opinion, FIL didn t let me finish my sentence and bashed my comment by saying „nonsense“!
we are expecting a baby And while my friends and family shower us with gifts, parents in law have done nothing until my hisband felt embarassed and told them if they could also buy some things
MIL bought cheap polyester baby Gloves (instead of cotton as we asked)
MIL bought 3 baby clothes all of them saying „i love daddy“ none mentioning anything about mummy
MIL commented „you look good, you are very full“ during my pregnancy
They never get me anything for my birthdays, while my parents think about my husbad when it s his birthday, even if just a dinner...
MIL is very gossipy about people I don t know (neighbors etc) and keeps on repeating the same stories every time I see her
I ve been made redundant due to pregnancy (in Switzerland there s no protection unfortunately) and my mother was telling my FIL that it s no big deal, worst case I can stay home and care for baby 1-2 years and that she also stayed home for 2 years when she had me, his response was that both partners must work and contribute 50/50 financially because it is unfair to put all financial pressure on one person (notice the guy was a big shot himself at a bank and his wife was taken care of most of her life!)
I m a mixed child, one of my parents comes from a third world country he had to flee in the 70s for political war reasons, my MIL was a Part time German teacher (when she worked). Once out of the blue she started complaining that she was approached by a volunteering organisation asking her to teach german to refugee families (as part of an integration program) once a week for a couple of hours since she s retired, she was saying: I can t believe they permitted themselves to bother me, I m retired I worked all my life and I want to enjoy it now.... I am so annoyed at this organisation (PS she never had to work hard, only did part time teaching)
FIL asked us if we want to go to their place for his birthday and I answered that I have a friend visiting from the UK that weekend and that we planned it long ago (shey got her flight ticket and all), he seemed quite pissed off

There are a few more points that I probably missed but I guess this gives you a gist of the situation... am I being ureasonable for not being able to really like them? confused

Thank you

OP posts:

Jimjamjong · 15/10/2019 08:13

I think YANBU. Yes it's only minor details but it makes it sound like they don't like you. You aren't obliged to have your FIL staying at your home, particularly if he doesn't help and acts like it's an hotel. If he couldn't afford to book an hotel I would understand but it sounds like he is well off. Don't invite him to diner either if he doesn't reciprocate.

Roussette · 15/10/2019 08:14

Your FIL stays once a month but your job is too demanding to cook a meal. Blimey you do sound spoilt. You need to grow up otherwise your marriage is going to be miserable. They sound just like normal people, someone else’s parents but not yours

So agree with this. I cannot imagine having a FIL over so infrequently and you CBA to make a meal. I understand your work hours might not be easy but if it were me, I'd knock something up at the weekend and put it in the freezer or make double of something the week before and freeze it ready for his visit. You are very unwelcoming. They must be picking up those sort of vibes from you in spades.

Atalune · 15/10/2019 08:16

You sound like a princess.

Your PILs are probably getting wound up with your demands and behaviour.

Jimjamjong · 15/10/2019 08:18

Why is it OP's job to cook diner? Why can't her DH cook a meal for his own father?

walkintheparc · 15/10/2019 08:23

They sound tactless and irritating, but not terrible people. They can only annoy you if you let them! Honestly, you will have a happier life if you learn to laugh it off and let it goooooo

Sajacas · 15/10/2019 08:25

I can understand that you find your in-laws less than perfect, but actively keeping track of all the little things that annoy you isn't good for you or going to help the situation: it'll just make you feel worse and more negatively inclined towards them.

Having said that though, if there is anything that is really intolerable to you, you need to speak up, even if other people think you are being oversensitive.

I also live in CH and I think your in-laws might be my neighbours (only joking). My neighbours are retired and we got chatting the other day about their daughter in law who was expecting: the mother in law was totally adamant that she didn't want to help with childcare etc, as she had done it before with her own kids, and it was her daughter in laws choice to get pregnant. I was a bit shocked by the sentiment, but more shocked that it was all said so bluntly as if it were absolutely clear that she and he husband didn't have any obligations to their grandkids. She also spoke about the cheek of adults expecting/ asking for help from their parents. A Swiss thing?

I mean, I know grandparents don't have to help out with the grandkids, but it seems odd to have decided before the birth that you want little/ or nothing to do with them.

Things might change when the baby arrives, but unfortunately you just have to accpet them as they are. Good luck!

saraclara · 15/10/2019 08:27

I swear I posted on this exact thread yesterday. Have you posted this question twice, OP?

Witchinaditch · 15/10/2019 08:31

@saraclara OP posted this in relationships as well, I assume it’s because she didn’t get the answer she wanted in OP

Witchinaditch · 15/10/2019 08:31

In aibu*

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/10/2019 08:32

Why is it OP's job to cook diner? Why can't her DH cook a meal for his own father?

Surely that's a question for the OP. Nobody here thinks it should be her job. Sounds like she likes making herself and her family out to be martyrs for everything they sacrifice.

Get your husband involved, OP. And step back from forcing yourself into this family. They are different to you. You don't have to be intertwined.

TitianaTitsling · 15/10/2019 08:34

You really don't like them do you! And re both partners must work and contribute 50/50 financially because it is unfair to put all financial pressure on one person is that not quite fair to some extent? Maybe not always 50/50 but it is hard to be the sole earner, our childcare is almost a full time wage £1100 a month for us!

NaomiFromMilkShake · 15/10/2019 08:52

How old are you ?

You sound about 15

Jollitwiglet · 15/10/2019 08:57

They probably don't like you very much, and I think I can probably understand why

onanothertrain · 15/10/2019 09:43

I wonder what their list of gripes about you would say. I'm guessing spoilt diva is near the top.

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 15/10/2019 12:22

The majority of your comments are minor and petty if i am honest.

I would feel upset that they don't get you anything for your birthday and as a vegetarian there is no way i would have eaten meat just to not make a fuss.

Im somewhat surprised you actually commented on their lack of presents during pregnancy- nobody is obliged to buy presents even grandparents but it is normal for people to wait until the baby is here before buying anything.

I think this is normal personality clash type examples. I could give you many more (and some the same as yours) about my in laws but i love them and try and appreciate their good points - while occasionally having a moan when they irritate me!

Crunchymum · 15/10/2019 12:33

MIL forgot I m vegetarian for her birthday so I ended up having a slice of meat giving the rest to husband (didn't want to be rude on the spot)

Quite frankly OP, more fool you.

You ate meat, despite being a vegetarian, to not appear rude??

Why didn't your DH say something?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/10/2019 17:58

Also, OP, whether you stay at home for a few years with the baby or not is nobody's business. It is between you and your husband. Nobody else. So your mother suggesting you stay at home is as out of order as your FIL saying you shouldn't. Yet, he's the one you see as wrong...?

Howyiz · 15/10/2019 18:23

Why have you posted this in 2 different areas?
I find it really hard to believe a vegetarian would eat meat rather than 'appear rude'. You come across like a complete gobshite!

Geminijes · 15/10/2019 18:46

I would love to see the list your parents in laws have for not liking you because, no doubt, your behaviour must give them many, many reasons.

You sound selfish and self absorbed.

You should not like people just because of they things they buy or do for you.

PinkiOcelot · 15/10/2019 18:58

You asked them for presents for your unborn baby?! Rude!

hazell42 · 15/10/2019 19:27

I gave up half way that list. Talk about bearing a grudge!
They sound a bit tactless and a bit petty.
Typical in laws in other words. We all think the way OUR families do things is the right way.
Unless we hate our families, in which case everything they do is wrong.
Tolerance should be your watch word
Learn to let go

Laila78 · 20/10/2019 07:14

@MarkinTime„Proper grown up women“?
R you serious?
This woman is asking for help and you are telling her she is not a proper grown up woman?
I think she was looking for advice, not aggression... some of you people on mumsnet need to get a bit less nasty when people post threads for advice!

Laila78 · 20/10/2019 07:23

They sound unpleasant but not really nasty. I come from a non-western background so I can understand your point of view: my family is also TOO giving and this creates a lack of balance. Just let each family act the way they are comfortable. If your parents want ti give, be sure they are happy to do it, they do it from the heart! Westerners have a different approach to things and there‘s no right nor wring.
However I think MIL was super rude about toilet roll .
I also FIL should not treat your place like a hotel, he should be respectful of your times and schedules and not be so stingy (especially since he seems to be able to afford it).

For the rest of the ppl on munsnet: if I ever posted something I would expect advice, not aggression!!! Be nice, write kindly. The woman is obviously asking for advice, not aggression. She‘ distressed enough if she posts something

MrMumble · 20/10/2019 07:34

Be nice, write kindly. The woman is obviously asking for advice, not aggression. She‘ distressed enough if she posts something

I'm not sure she sounds distressed...just wanting people to agree with her that her ILs are awful and annoyed that we don't agree. Don't post on AIBU if you don't want robust advice, we don't have to be nice just because we're women.

Laila78 · 20/10/2019 09:04

@MrMumble
Good to know some of you members are so heartless and passive-aggressive (and obviously have some personality issues). I won‘t post anything on this network myself, be sure of that! A lot of answers seem reasonable, but calling the OP names ?! I mean are we in kindergarten?

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