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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-law situation

82 replies

Kinikanas · 14/10/2019 19:52

Dear all
I was wondering if I m being unreasonable.
My in laws are actually quite nice people but in the past few years they have done small stuff which, combined, has started ticking me off! I have a bit of an aversion towards them and was wondering if it is justified. Here a list:

  • FIL is super stingy: he comes to our city once a month for work and stays over at our place but never thinks of inviting us out for dinner or anything
  • when FIL comes once a month, he sometimes does not communicate what time and ends up showing up too early sometimes
  • MIL forgot I m vegetarian for her birthday so I ended up having a slice of meat giving the rest to husband (didn t want to be rude on the spot). Next day I had indigestion which caused me a loud and long session in bathroom at their place (we stayed over because it is a 3 hr drive), as if I was not embarassed enough, when I got out, MIL asked in front of 10 brunch guests if there still is any toilet roll left in toilet.
  • day after wedding FIL asked me twice when we re having babies
  • once talking economy and politics and giving my opinion, FIL didn t let me finish my sentence and bashed my comment by saying „nonsense“!
  • we are expecting a baby And while my friends and family shower us with gifts, parents in law have done nothing until my hisband felt embarassed and told them if they could also buy some things
  • MIL bought cheap polyester baby Gloves (instead of cotton as we asked)
  • MIL bought 3 baby clothes all of them saying „i love daddy“ none mentioning anything about mummy
  • MIL commented „you look good, you are very full“ during my pregnancy
  • They never get me anything for my birthdays, while my parents think about my husbad when it s his birthday, even if just a dinner...
  • MIL is very gossipy about people I don t know (neighbors etc) and keeps on repeating the same stories every time I see her
  • I ve been made redundant due to pregnancy (in Switzerland there s no protection unfortunately) and my mother was telling my FIL that it s no big deal, worst case I can stay home and care for baby 1-2 years and that she also stayed home for 2 years when she had me, his response was that both partners must work and contribute 50/50 financially because it is unfair to put all financial pressure on one person (notice the guy was a big shot himself at a bank and his wife was taken care of most of her life!)
  • I m a mixed child, one of my parents comes from a third world country he had to flee in the 70s for political war reasons, my MIL was a Part time German teacher (when she worked). Once out of the blue she started complaining that she was approached by a volunteering organisation asking her to teach german to refugee families (as part of an integration program) once a week for a couple of hours since she s retired, she was saying: I can t believe they permitted themselves to bother me, I m retired I worked all my life and I want to enjoy it now.... I am so annoyed at this organisation (PS she never had to work hard, only did part time teaching)
  • FIL asked us if we want to go to their place for his birthday and I answered that I have a friend visiting from the UK that weekend and that we planned it long ago (shey got her flight ticket and all), he seemed quite pissed off

There are a few more points that I probably missed but I guess this gives you a gist of the situation... am I being ureasonable for not being able to really like them? confused

Thank you

OP posts:
MaybeitsMaybelline · 15/10/2019 06:39

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and picking them up on absolutely everything however minor. I admit to being irritated by the triviality of some of these things you mention.

Surfskatefamily · 15/10/2019 06:40

Isn't this a repeat of another thread? Word for word

CAG12 · 15/10/2019 06:48

You're update makes you sound like you want everyone to bend to what you want

user1474894224 · 15/10/2019 06:54

You can't keep a list like that. You will end up bitter. If something happens you need to deal with it or let it go. His parents are not your parents. You didn't choose them but they do come as part of the package. So learn to love their good bits.

pictish · 15/10/2019 06:56

“MIL bought 3 baby clothes all of them saying „i love daddy“ none mentioning anything about mummy”

Yes, she has a son, he is going to be a father. She is excited for him.

If this is the sort of crap you’re going to create about, even if only in your head, you ought to give yourself a shake. Look at you with your marvellous family. You have support and love in abundance. Lucky you.

Don’t be greedy now.

Sallyseagull · 15/10/2019 06:57

YABU

It's almost as though you're looking hard for excuses to not like them when really nothing they're doing is actually that bad or stand out rude. Just have a look at the many threads on here about PIL problems and you'll think yourself very lucky.

pictish · 15/10/2019 07:05

“You'll encounter very few people in life who don't say or do something that rubs you up the wrong way from time to time - I expect your PIL could point to a few times you've done it, that probably didn't even register with you!“

So very this. Perhaps they occasionally find you a pain in the arse too! Little Miss Cotton.

Ever thought about it that way?

cptartapp · 15/10/2019 07:09

Your DH asked his parents to buy you some presents?! And you're happy for your parents to curtail their retirement and sit around in case you need them??
Your expectations are too high.

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 15/10/2019 07:11

YABU ... every day life here and you're trying to put a hate spin on it! You sound over sensitive...at best !

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2019 07:20

You’re upset with your in laws because they want to take holidays. Your Fil still works so not yet retired unlike your parents. If you don’t want to cook for FIL, let him know you want him to buy you a takeaway or take you out. You sound very passive - eating meat when you’re veggie is pretty far out. Work on yourself and you’ll find these things less annoying.

As for the cost of childcare in Switzerland, childcare is very expensive here too.

swingofthings · 15/10/2019 07:23

The only example you gave that I think is worth feeling aggrieved about is your FIL commenting that your views are 'nonsense'. That's very rude.

Everything else is you expecting way too much from them and being oversensitive. Why should your FIL take you out because he stays once a month? Do you take them out when you go and stay at theirs? It's just something you do because he is family.

Forgetting you're vegeterian, no big deal, the comment about the toilet roll, you could have just laughed and given a funny response.

the baby shower presents is definitely you being precious. They probably don't agree with that consumable tradition and I don't blame them. Still they got you something and the fact that it wasn't exactly what you ask is what happens and why you don't ask in the first place.

As for the comment about her saying she was annoyed about being asked to work, what does this have to do with your father?

I'm sorry but you do come across as quite self-centered. Remove yourself emotionally from them, they don't owe you anything. Analysing every detail of their words and actions are bound to get you to find reasons to feel aggrieved. Stop thinking so much and let things go over your head. They are your partner's parents, not yours.

Roussette · 15/10/2019 07:23

Oh dear. You are sounding incredibly nit picking. Parents and In Laws get it a bit wrong at times in general but really... your list... it's nothing! I have no idea how old they are but they are trying and nothing on there would make me think they're a complete pain.

It honestly sounds like they can't do right for doing wrong. Cut them some slack.

MsChatterbox · 15/10/2019 07:27

To me it sounds like they are not perfect as no human is but they are not doing anything purposefully to be spiteful. If these are your worst issues with them then you have it good!

rwalker · 15/10/2019 07:37

Sounds like they talk to you like 1 of the family no air's and graces

CJsGoldfish · 15/10/2019 07:42

Aren't you a peach? Confused

we are expecting a baby And while my friends and family shower us with gifts, parents in law have done nothing until my hisband felt embarassed and told them if they could also buy some things
MIL bought cheap polyester baby Gloves(instead of cotton as we asked)
Wow. Grabby much? I can't believe your list of 'wrongs' You seem to be really searching for things to complain about.
I m just worried there will be a massive imbalance like this: my parents sacrficing too luch and PILs just not even caring at all!
So you equate 'doing' with 'caring'. So the more you get people to 'do' for you, or 'buy' for you, the more they care? Tbh OP, I wouldn't be going out of my way to help knowing how you feel (no way can you hide this much disdain) Your last posts are just mean.

Apolloanddaphne · 15/10/2019 07:44

I think you have to accept your IL's are not like your parents and accept them as they are or else you will eat yourself up inside ingesting over every little thing that is said.

My DP's and my IL's are polar opposites. Both DH and I recognise this over the years accepted them for what they are. Both have their irritants and both have their good points.

I would just concentrate on your baby and stop over thinking about your PIL.

73Sunglasslover · 15/10/2019 07:45

I think you have some rigid views of how things should be and are struggling to understand other cultural views. I think you might need to step back a little and realise that they are not really wrong (in most ways) just different. You say you're not grabby but honestly some of this does sound like you are. Expecting presents and dinners out as a thanks I think is grabby and although nice, is not the only way to show care and thanks. It's also not OK IMHO to expect them to offer childcare just because your parents are happy to. You do need to watch out for your parents giving too much but that is separate from what your in laws do.

MidniteScribbler · 15/10/2019 07:52

I m just worried there will be a massive imbalance like this: my parents sacrficing too luch and PILs just not even caring at all!

This is their choice. There is no need for things to always be equal between people. You can't expect your in-laws to be more like your parents, they are their own people.

I can't help but wonder if your DH will be thinking that your parents are too involved and around too much when you have your baby?

Beansandcoffee · 15/10/2019 07:52

Your FIL stays once a month but your job is too demanding to cook a meal. Blimey you do sound spoilt. You need to grow up otherwise your marriage is going to be miserable. They sound just like normal people, someone else’s parents but not yours.

NearlyGranny · 15/10/2019 07:52

Well FiL sounds entitled and tight to me. Putting his hands behind his head when the bill comes after dinner is plain rude!

Perhaps Swiss custom demands that houseguests never put their hands in their pockets, though?

I wouldn't be doing his washing when he stays over, not if he just expects it or doesn't thank you fulsomely. How did that even happen, you becoming a laundrymaid?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/10/2019 07:53

No grandparent should be expected to provide childcare for their children. If your parents are in a position to do so and are happy to offer that's great but that doesn't mean your ils should match the offer. I think it was out of order for your husband to tell his parents to buy baby presents. The baby hasn't been born yet. I'm sure they would have bought something when the baby was born. You dictate to them when they must buy a present and then complain about what they did buy. Not a nice trait.

Of course you are going to have a greater bond with your parents. They are your parents! You grew up with them. Know them your whole life. His parents are only an extension of your relationship with him. You don't have to love them.

It is very clear from your posts that you simply don't like them. That's fine. We're not going to gel with everyone we meet. But because you don't like them you now dislike everything they do. Just avoid spending so much time in their company. It will only end badly with you continually expecting them to be something that they simply are not.

They don't sound THAT bad. But we all have different personality types and expectations. Yours' don't match. It's as simple as that.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/10/2019 07:56

And you have a choice to allow your parents to sacrifice "too much" or not! If you think your parents are putting themselves under pressure decline their offers and make alternative arrangements - like millions of people all over the world who don't live close to family do every single day.

If you allow your parents to 'sacrifice too much' then you are as greedy and grabby as you accuse your fil of being.

Crankybitch · 15/10/2019 08:02

In Switzerland if you invite someone out you pay. He’s old & sounds Swiss so most probably still in that mindset.

Where are you from? Sounds like you have some cultural differences between the 2 families

MarkinTime · 15/10/2019 08:04

I'm glad that my sons married proper grown up women.
You sound like a right diva OP.

Sushiroller · 15/10/2019 08:07

It's aibu so you'll get a hard time.

I'm going with "yabu for everything apart from not acknowledging your birthday". Which frankly, as the mother of their soon to be grandchild, is RUDE. A card and €10 bunch of flowers wouldn't kill them. to totally ignore it (if this is what is happening is not nice behaviour) you DP/DH should address it.
Everything else is in reality, minor in the grand scheme of things. Flowers

Some constructive advice to help you manage your annoyance.

  • In terms of FIL and the dinners you really could make dinner for 3. You just resent it (I know this feeling so no judgement) Just suck it up and cook something easy (microwave ride and stir fry / pre made oven bake / something prepped at weekend or frozen) or choose a cheap restaurant (although everywhere I've been in Switzerland is crazy expensive). Don't give FIL any options and if he wants to go out just say I'm pregnant we can't afford it so either we eat in or it's your treat.
  • Accept they aren't your parents and different people have different values. (My parents are similar to yours, my DPs are not the same as yours but I recognise some aspects Grin ) you just have to understand they are who they are and at 60/70 you are not changing that.
  • Set your expectations appropriately. By this I mean lower them. A lot. Anything positive will be a pleasant surprise.
  • find a kind way to reframe their behaviour and repeat it to yourself, frequently!!!
E.g. Mil talks (note: talks NOT gossips) about the neighbours because she is a nervous talker/trying to make conversation with me. they are proud their son has achieved in life/is independent/ earns well and believe his independence is shown by paying for things. Etc etc.