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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding top table is this OK or no?

99 replies

Amibeingsensitive · 14/10/2019 19:49

Best man, groom, bride & maid of honour only sitting at top table. Would that be ok or bit odd?

My parents aren't alive and there's only my husband to be parents.

OP posts:

BravoStrong · 15/10/2019 09:38

When I got married we didn’t have a top table, we had us and the kids at one and parents were spread out. I think his parents will feel left out if you don’t have them there and there is room tbh.

Pandaintheporridge · 15/10/2019 09:44

I think little kids will just try to get to you if you seat them further away. Why wouldn't your dc be top table people anyway?! What you describe - with brother and bridesmaid - sounds very similar to what I did and it worked fine. I wouldn't actually want one of these sweetheart tables, I've my whole life to sit and eat with dh, I wanted other folk around me for the celebration!

simplekindoflife · 15/10/2019 09:45

You can have whoever you like on your top table but I'd include his parents. Seems a bit unnecessary to exclude them.

Have your brother (and his gf/dw?) and your dc on the top table too. Given the ages of your children I'd imagine they would want to sit with you anyway.

Ihateedmundelephant · 15/10/2019 09:54

If you’re going to have a top table, I don’t think it’s okay to exclude his parents.

Dieu · 15/10/2019 09:55

Not ok, sorry.

Charliethefeminist · 15/10/2019 09:57

Such an odd question. His parents should be on the top table.

wotsittoyou · 15/10/2019 11:26

It'll look weird, and will be embarrassing for his parents. Why are you leaving them off it?

DriftingLeaves · 15/10/2019 11:29

If you have a top table then of course his parents should be there. I'd be very hurt in their place to be excluded.

Butchyrestingface · 15/10/2019 11:30

Did I miss where OP clarified why she doesn’t want the ILs sitting at the top table?

Damntheman · 15/10/2019 12:11

Just don't have a top table. Being on the top table is super lonely watching everyone else have a giggle anyway!

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2019 15:01

It'll look weird, and will be embarrassing for his parents. Why are you leaving them off it?
Why?
It won't be a traditional top table, she hasn't got her family up there and not them, she isn't cutting them out the wedding.

NoSauce · 15/10/2019 15:03

No of course it’s not ok. How could you think it would be.

MzHz · 15/10/2019 15:05

Nothing about this scenario is “traditional”. You have kids, sadly your own parents aren’t with you any longer, your brother is giving you away ( aww, that’s lovely) - so this means that you can break with as much convention as you like!

Have those most important to you close or have everyone on a massive U shaped by table, but don’t shun this parents into a nomansland.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 15/10/2019 15:13

DH and I got married this year.
He has lost one of his parents but would never dream of excluding one of mine.
If you decide to have a ‘top table’ I think it’s unkind to exclude his simply because yours couldn’t be there. (If you have issue with them it’s different but just remember that his mother/father raised him and the role of a parent is too easily passed over in situations like this) xx

Ohyesiam · 15/10/2019 15:19

I wouldn’t worry about what usually happens , thank sbout what you want, what will work for you, and what is kind.
I can’t really imagine your small children being happy sitting without you, so include them. You say you’re worried about your fiancé s parents feeling left out, so include them.
We didn’t have a top table.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 15/10/2019 15:20

*Also the people on your top table will be who you remember your meal with! DH and I did break with tradition, our top table was parents and siblings (one of whom was the best man)- we enjoyed the meal with the people we loved.

I only worry that a top table of 4 will feel weird. Maybe consider having your siblings/children in the place of your parents x

LagunaBubbles · 15/10/2019 15:22

in fact I think it would be rather harsh of your partner to insist on having his parents on the table

Don't be so ridicolous. Why shouldn't the groom have his own parents at the table just because the brides parents are sadly no longer alive. My Dad died when I was 18, should I have banned the man I had just married a Dad from sitting at the top table, if course not becayse it's not "tit for tat" and I happened to actually care about the man I had just married feelings, it wasn't his fault my Dad was dead.

OP you can do what you like. But if your worried about your new on laws not feeling important enough why are you thinking about not having them at the top table then?

LagunaBubbles · 15/10/2019 15:25

won't be a traditional top table, she hasn't got her family up there and not them, she isn't cutting them out the wedding

Her parents aren't there because they sadly have passed away. His parents are very much alive. I would be questioning the values of the person I had just married if they insisted my parents couldn't sit there just because their parents weren't alive.

kierenthecommunity · 15/10/2019 15:57

We had that set up and all our parents are very much alive and kicking. My ‘all’ I include several step parents. Our top table would have been half a mile long if we’d had them all.

They were all perfectly happy hosting their own tables and no one, as far as I know, was embarrassed or snubbed

It’s totally up to you and your fiancé

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2019 16:15

@LagunaBubbles the key word was INSIST and in the context of OP expressing it would upset her having a top table with all his family and none of her own when i imagine the day will already be full of her missing her parents. In that case I think her upset over her parents not being there trumps his upset over having his 5ft away on an adjacent table.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2019 16:17

I happened to actually care about the man I had just married feelings works both ways. If having a top table full one side of his family and empty on side of her family causes upset for her, then surely if he actually cares about the woman he had just married feelings there's room for compromise off him too. They arent banned from the wedding, they're sitting 5ft away

LagunaBubbles · 15/10/2019 18:33

@Sleepingstandingup

the key word was INSIST and in the context of OP expressing it would upset her having a top table with all his family and none of her own when i imagine the day will already be full of her missing her parents. In that case I think her upset over her parents not being there trumps

Where has the OP wrote that her husband to be or his parents have insisted they sit at the top table?
And where has she expressed any upset if they were to be at the top table? She hasn't actually said anything about this apart from being worried they won't feel important enough.
Are you reading a different thread?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2019 18:57

Where has the OP wrote that her husband to be or his parents have insisted they sit at the top table? my post where I said IF the partner insisted... was criticised as being unfair to the DP. So my clarifying post was pointing out I only aisaid he'd be unreasonable IF he insisted, which seemingly people on this thread would give how unreasonable op has been accused of being.

And where has she expressed any upset if they were to be at the top table? given the info provided, it seemes a reasonable assumption and remains one unless comes and says nah, wouldn't bother me I just don't like them / worried the lack of symmetry will affect the overall look etc

LagunaBubbles · 15/10/2019 19:37

Nope you can't make assumptions. Especially since they said they were concerned about their in laws feelings. It would be helpful to know why OP is thinking of not having them at their table.

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