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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding top table is this OK or no?

99 replies

Amibeingsensitive · 14/10/2019 19:49

Best man, groom, bride & maid of honour only sitting at top table. Would that be ok or bit odd?

My parents aren't alive and there's only my husband to be parents.

OP posts:
AcrobaticCardigan · 14/10/2019 21:02

It would be truly awful to have a top table and not include his parents. Even if you have a non-traditional table, unless it’s just the two of you, you should include his parents. I do sympathise with you that your parents have passed, but it’s not fair to exclude his parents due to this.

mauvaisereputation · 14/10/2019 21:03

Honestly, I wouldn't do this. I reckon one of the above suggestions of (1) no top table, (2) top table with in-laws or (3) sweetheart table is the way to go. I think that the in-laws are overwhelmingly likely to be upset by this, even if they say they won't. And I do think it will raise eyebrows on the day, so people will suspect there's been a falling out.

StCharlotte · 14/10/2019 21:03

My parents had both died before I got married. We had a smaller round table with me, DH, PILs, my brother who gave me away and DH's brother who was best man. Had four young bridesmaids who sat with their families.

HighwayCat · 14/10/2019 21:08

It’s perfectly fine if everyone involved is happy with it. We had similar, so had siblings at the table ... it made it uneven but we both had our closest family there.

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2019 21:10

We had a round table-hates the idea of a formal long top table.

Do what suits you best.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/10/2019 21:15

It would be truly awful to have a top table and not include his parents
If op was suggesting having other family up there but leaving them out, maybe. But she's talking about an equal representation. I'm sure she's not locking the pils in a dungeon. Thry can head the closest table

user1511042793 · 14/10/2019 21:17

We had this situation. My parents sat on top table. My husbands parents were represented by roses and mentioned in speeches. I would let his parents sit on top table.

CluelessNewMama · 14/10/2019 21:19

You know your in laws, if they are likely to be upset by this then maybe consider a sweetheart table with just the two of you. Also, if your best man and MOH have partners they may prefer to sit with them?

user1493413286 · 14/10/2019 21:21

I don’t see anything wrong with it; we had our bridesmaids plus husbands and best man plus wife at our top table and our parents sat with the family friends we’d asked. We wanted to sit with people we’d have fun with and for our parents to do the same. If they minded then no one said anything and all of our wedding was chosen by us so that was no different.

RasberryRoyale · 14/10/2019 21:22

I was at a wedding where the only parent that sat at the top table was the father of the bride. Mother of the bride and the grooms parents sat in separate tables. The five best men and most of the bridesmaids were on the top table.

I can understand why you don’t want your in laws on there. Depends if your DP wants them on.
Top tables seem to cause so much angst.

whattodo2019 · 14/10/2019 21:29

Can't you add your soon to be In laws?
Do you have 2 close relatives or friends to balance out your side?

FlashingLights101 · 14/10/2019 21:30

You haven't actually said the reason you don't want your in-laws on top table.... people are surmising it's because your parents are no longer here, but is that actually the case? It would probably help people give you advice if you gave a little more information...

But if it is because your parents are no longer here, I think it would be unkind to your in-laws. After all, it's not their fault your parents aren't able to be there and they may feel you are punishing them for something out of their control.

FlamedToACrisp · 14/10/2019 21:33

Sounds like a bad way to start a marriage to me! I would have the in-laws next to groom, and the BM and MOH next to bride. Are they paying towards the ceremony?

PurpleDaisies · 14/10/2019 21:34

Sounds like a bad way to start a marriage to me!

Why?

Marylou2 · 14/10/2019 21:35

We had circular tables, no top table. I just didn't like the idea. Best man sat with his family. Much more comfortable for us. I always think a top table doesn't lend itself to conversation.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/10/2019 21:54

Sounds like a bad way to start a marriage to me! I would have the in-laws next to groom, and the BM and MOH next to bride. Are they paying towards the ceremony?

I'd genuinely be curious to hear why. I love my in-laws. They are not paying towards the ceremony. They are not supposed to be sitting with us, we'll be together as my parents are dead and they will be with fiancé's family. We'll both eat fast and then mingle. I don't want to offend them in any way, but I think an uneven top table would be odd and highlight that I have no parents, and I do not want that to be a defining feature of my wedding day.

Ginger1982 · 14/10/2019 21:54

We had a circular top table.
Me, DH, DM, DGM, DMIL, DFIL, 2xBM and BM.
It was much more conversational!

readingnc · 14/10/2019 21:58

This is the first time I've heard of a "sweetheart table" Confused How weird.

Op, I don't really know why you wouldn't have his parents with you.

fargo123 · 14/10/2019 22:07

Where I live, only the bride and groom plus the bridal party sit at the top table, so your plan sounds fine and normal to me. Do you have other bridesmaids and groomsmen?

mauvaisereputation · 14/10/2019 22:08

@AnchorDownDeepBreath

I am truly sorry about your parents. I don't think that having the in-laws on the top table will highlight your parents' absence, much less make it the defining feature of the day. I think that not having them up there is much more likely to do that, as a top table of just you and the the best man/MOH is unusual and people will discuss why you decided to do that (whereas no one will discuss why you have the inlaws on the top table). I do think that even if this isn't meant as a snub to the in-laws, they will feel it as such, and other people will see it as such too. For me that makes it a a bad start to the marriage - it should be a happy day for the ILs but they might end up feeling upset and humiliated and it could potentially damage your relationship with them.

Idontwanttotalk · 14/10/2019 22:14

I think it would look odd and I would definitely have the groom's parents on the table too.
Do you have any bridesmaids as Well as MOH who could also sit on the top table.

Pandaintheporridge · 14/10/2019 22:22

OP isn't giving us any more info so not much more to say really!

Hippopotas · 14/10/2019 22:28

Yep that’s what we did.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/10/2019 22:29

Thanks @mauvaisereputation . Everyone so far has told us that sweetheart tables are pretty common, so we'd intended to go with that. If the in-laws sit with us; we'd leave one of their siblings alone at their table, but they are pretty sociable so may not mind. I could have bridesmaids on my side, but if we then add groomsmen to his side, it becomes pretty big! With a sweetheart table, we had 5 tables of 8.

That said, I wouldn't want to upset anyone, definitely not his parents, so I'll chat to fiancé and redesign. Thanks for replying, genuinely Thanks it's been so hard wedding planning without parents. There's so much that the mother/father of the bride is "supposed" to do... a few venues even offered me stand ins Confused

ThatMuppetShow · 14/10/2019 22:29

What does your partner think? They're his parents after all.

I have been to many weddings where the parents were not at the top table but each couple on their separate tables with close relatives or friends. No bad blood whatsoever, everybody had a lovely evening.

I can't see the issue frankly.

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