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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there’s a chance he fancies me back?

93 replies

Matilda1983 · 14/10/2019 00:42

I’m very attracted to a guy at work but unfortunately relationships are not allowed in my profession. We started working together 18 months ago and it was pretty much lust at first sight from my side! He’s a down to earth, caring, funny guy. We have become really close and there’s a lot of smiling and eye contact but nothing has been spoken of because it’s not allowed.

This time last year it was my birthday coming up and I took the day off work to do my own thing. He was the only colleague who texted me and actually was the first person at all to wish me a happy birthday by text! I got a couple of other birthday texts from a couple of relatives and a couple of friends but that was all. And that’s totally fine because I’m a bit older and don’t really care that much about my birthday. I certainly don’t expect other people to care or remember!

So last week he said to me, “It’s your birthday coming up, the 19th isn’t it?”.

I was impressed and surprised that he had remembered the date.

Can I claim it as evidence that he might like me back too....????? Please!! 😊

So AIBU to think he fancies me because he remembered my birthday?

Yes - he fancies you
No - he doesn’t!!

OP posts:
Poignet · 14/10/2019 08:25

www.theguardian.com/money/2007/jun/19/workandcareers

Are you in the UK, OP? The above and other articles/ employee rights sources I’ve seen say that in the UK US-style ‘love contracts’ are rare and unenforceable, and that the Human Rights Act of 1998 enshrines your right to a private life.

NameChangeNugget · 14/10/2019 08:28

Don’t shaft the payroll.

It’s not fair on everyone else. Regardless of that, I think he may be interested but, nothing seems concrete

Ash39 · 14/10/2019 08:42

OP with the greatest of respect a bunch for strangers on the internet are not ever going to be able to say with any conviction, whether or not he fancies you.

I'm guessing you might be 36, but might be wrong... life is short and you deserve happiness. You need to have a frank and honest conversation with this individual to determine if you have a future together. If his feelings aren't reciprocated it is time to firmly move on.

You say he might be up for spending time together outside of work? I presume that means you haven't as yet? There's no time like the present to suggest doing so

DeborahAnnabelToo · 14/10/2019 08:55

Pretty sure the whole "forbidden" aspect of this will be adding fuel to the fire for both of you. Makes it "safe" doesn't it? You can both play games without ever having to make the somewhat momentous decision that one of you would need to leave the workplace to pursue anything serious Hmm. So in a way it's irrelevant if he fancies you. Unless you just want the frisson of thinking he does to brighten up your day without doinganything about it. In which case, fill yer boots. He probably does.

Witchinaditch · 14/10/2019 09:09

It doesn’t sound like he does unless there is a huge backstory you’re not giving. If he wanted to be with you he would be no matter if it’s “allowed” or not. It’s as simple
as that

NurseButtercup · 14/10/2019 09:17

He probably does fancy you but, I agree with pp, there is no point dwelling on this if you're unwilling to either leave your job or break the rules in order to pursue a relationship with him.

Fi1982 · 14/10/2019 09:17

This is the kind of thing that I would’ve tied myself up in knots about before I met my husband and gave up all that fun romantic stuff

Do you have a very active imagination and a tendency to project? I certainly do, and convinced myself on several occasions that there was a spark with a colleague or classmate, only to find out it was me alone feeling any electricity or giddiness when we spoke.

I have noticed that when men like you, even quite shy men, something happens, either they ask you out or drunkenly lunge at you in a club or something, but rarely do they sit on their hands and say nothing. Hell, the office silent guy emailed me asking me to come away with him for the weekend off the back of a couple of kitchen smiles and a short chat about an artist!

I’m not saying he doesn’t like you, but I wasted YEARS on this line of thinking, to no end. I was always petrified to make my feelings known, but in these instances you either need to think ‘if he likes me, he’ll tell me and that’s that’ or do something about it yourself. Otherwise you’ll spend Saturday nights dancing round your living room alone to Tragic FM with a bottle of wine forevermore, wishing he’d call...

One thing you can do - ask him to come for a birthday drink, seeing as he’s bound to text you on the day. Reply ‘thanks very much - fancy meeting me for a drink to celebrate this weekend?’. If he says a straight up no, with no suggestion of another time or day, then you have your answer, and you’ve saved face by making it a friendly birthday drink suggestion rather than an out-and-out date.

Good luck OP!

Butchyrestingface · 14/10/2019 09:55

I want to know if you think him remembering my birthday from a year ago means that he fancies me back? 😉

No. I have a good memory for this kind of detail. It doesn’t mean anything.

Are you thinking of leaving your job, OP? For this reason? Do you want some kind of confirmation from him before doing so?

Osirus · 14/10/2019 10:24

I don’t think the birthday thing necessarily means anything. I know the dates of my colleagues’ birthdays (8 of them), and of a large portion of my previous colleagues. I also remember the birthdays of people I knew at school (20 years ago). I just have a good memory for this sort of thing! It’s possible he’s the same. If he’s your friend, as it appears he may be, he might just have remembered your birthday, you know, like a friend might!

I don’t know; the birthday thing is not enough to go on.

MadameButterface · 14/10/2019 10:26

Is he married op

Whattodoabout · 14/10/2019 10:27

Don’t shit where you eat. Relationships with co-workers are always awkward and shit when it all goes tits up. Of course there’s a slight chance it will last forever but odds are it won’t and you’ll still have to see them every day at work unless you find a new job.

midnightmisssuki · 14/10/2019 10:39

How on earth can we predict if him remembering your birthday means he likes you.

Don’t wants your time OP. Unless you plan to leave just to see if he will ask you out?

Bluntness100 · 14/10/2019 10:40

Op, in the nicest possible way, if there is no chance of a relationship , what's the point in investing all this emotional energy?

Is one of you planning to leave? If not, then try to put it out your mind and find someone who is available. Spending your days pineing after someone who you can't have is not going to do you any favours.

IsobelRae23 · 14/10/2019 10:47

Text him:-

Just thinking, hypothetically speaking because obviously it’s not allowed anyway, but if work didn’t have a coworker relationship ban, would you be happy to take me on a date?

Then if he says why? No I wouldn’t? Anything negative. Just say ‘I was thinking about my own dating life that’s all, and wondering how I come across to people. I was thinking in general, and as you are one of my closest male friends, I wondered what you thought that’s all.

But if he says ‘yes I would do it in a heartbeat’ then you have your answer there.....

(For what it’s worth my last company had a ban like this, I got very close to someone, but we were both in relationships outside of work, several years later, and we’d both finished with our partners, and after a few ‘will this wreck our friendship conversations’, and a few hiccups, we got together. We are now very happy 😃).

FavouriteSong · 14/10/2019 10:51

Bite the bullet and ask him meet up out of work for a drink. If he recoils in horror, you have your answer. Remembering your birthday is evidence of a good memory, not unrequited

gwackywacky · 14/10/2019 10:54

Relationships not allowed where you work? Where do you work a robot factory?

Hesafriendfromwork · 14/10/2019 10:58

Hmmm some posts about this situation quite often. Even down to him being a rule follower.

Maybe look for those posts and see what the advice is.

You say you are friends and quite close.

Its not that unusual to remember a close friends birthday. Doesnt mean they fancy the friend.

Grumpymcgrumperson · 14/10/2019 10:58

It’s definitely a good sign!

Grumpymcgrumperson · 14/10/2019 10:59

I’d ask him out to celebrate your birthday (in a group of friends, as a friend) to get the ball rolling. It’s a great excuse

EvilPostbox · 14/10/2019 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chunkers · 14/10/2019 11:02

I remember a colleagues birthday because it’s St. Andrew’s day. He was quite taken aback and all chuffed that I remembered, but in NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM did I fancy him. Maybe 19th Oct is a significant date for him in another way and that’s how he remembered.

Idontwanttotalk · 14/10/2019 11:08

I don't think remembering your birthday equates to him fancying you. He could have jotted it down or put it in MS outlook calendar or similar and not actually remembered it at all.

He may fancy you and then again he might just think on you as a good mate/friend. If you can't tell from your chemistry then how the heck would we know?

Even if he does, he may well do nothing about it because of company rules.

slashlover · 14/10/2019 11:13

I put people's birthdays in my email calendar, I have people on there who I haven't spoken to for years. Also, FB is pretty good for telling me, are you FB friends?

MadameButterface · 14/10/2019 11:15

“Maybe 19th Oct is a significant date for him in another way and that’s how he remembered.”

It might be his wife’s birthday. Or his husband’s.

Mostunexpected · 14/10/2019 11:19

Maybe he does, but I have a friend I'm not particularly close to but I always remember their birthday because they were born the exact same day as my best friend. It's the only reason I ever remember to wish them happy birthday

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