To think STBXH wanted me to think he'd killed himself

[clpsmum]

Yesterday stbxh took our three DC for their weekly sleepover. Thirty minutes after he took them he phoned me to ask what my plans were. I told him none of his business. Thirty minutes after that he'd left the DC with his mum and turned up unannounced at house. He was angry when I wouldn't let him in. (So not to drip feed last time I was alone with him he hit me, last week he told me he hopes my body is ravaged with cancer and I die a long slow painful death) I do not feel comfortable being alone with him and have no desire to discuss again why I won't give him another chance.

This sort of thing happens every single weekend without fail as soon as I am child free. When the children are with me six nights a week I hear nothing from him. Every weekend he will phone crying and begging me to get back with him one minute then being vile and abusive the next. I've always tried to be civil (not always worked but I've tried!) we have been separated two years and lived apart 22 months.

So after I refused to speak to him and let him in house he went away and phoned ten minutes later. He ranted for a bit and cried for a bit then said he better go pick up our DC from his parents before he "did something stupid" (this is not the first time he's threatened this). And hung up. He then text to say he's sorry for everything goodbye. I ignored text as didn't want to pander to him yet again.

Four hours later my eldest DC called to say he was worried about his dad as he'd not collected them from their grandparents house and they couldn't contact him on the phone. I tried calling him but phone off. Waited for a friend to arrive to come to his flat with me as wasn't sure what to expect and didn't want to go alone. This all took roughly another thirty minutes. Got to his flat and no car and no sign of him. Called his parents to say he's not there what now. They said oh no he's back now he's been in his flat all the time upset because you wouldn't let him in to talk to you.

Aibu to think this was a massive mind game to make me think he had killed himself???

Sorry for massive long post and any typos

And to think it's really shit that he didn't think what effect it would have on his DC worrying them like that.

Well some men do and some men hurt their children too. I don't know how you get supervised contact ordered but I would be considering this in your shoes.

He's far too self centred to kill himself. Just keep detaching from him and refuse to play any of his stupid games. Phone the police if he hits you - but absolutely don't let him in again.

I'd refuse all contact, to be honest. Can you get a friend to drop DC off at his parents for him each week so that you don't need to speak.

Yes and you did the right thing not giving in like he wanted

I really wouldn’t leave them alone with him. That’s not good for them. What an arsehole.

Best preventing you from moving on that's all. If he ruins and disrupts every weekend he has the kids it'll stop you looking for another man.

Is contact court ordered? It might be worth stopping contact for the minute and let him take you to court. This isn't good for your kids mental health.

yep, he's a complete and utter manipulative selfish dickface.
Document everything and look into supervised access, and like others have said, see if you can find a way to ensure DC are dropped off/picked up by someone else.

It's actually not good for any of our mental health. He will have told the children and his parents he fell asleep or some other crap excuse. I really don't want to let him have contact tbh but then the only ones missing out are my DC who love him and he is their dad. It's so hard knowing what to do for the best.

I’m sorry he’s out you through all of this, wanker.

I’d stop his contact with the kids as I’d be worried he’d do something dangerous & if he bothers to take you to court, tell them exactly why!

They get a ‘whatever they call it now ‘ restraining order.

He needs to be made to understand he can’t behave like this.

I'd phone the police next time he turned up ranting at my door. Can you block his number and arrange contact through his mum?

They’re really not ‘missing out’ he’s just worrying them & they'll start to feel an unhealthy level of responsibility for him - it’s nit fair in them- or you. God knows what the idiot is capable of?!

Christ OP I certainly would not be handing my children over to this unstable asshole. WTF

He's an absolute narcissist who takes no responsibility for anything. The children do want to see him and I really don't think he would ever do anything to hurt them. It's me he wants to hurt and fuck up.

I feel like if I stop contact it's my DC who will suffer which is the last thing I want.

So far today he has told me what a horrible mother I am. Then a couple of hours later tried chatting away as if nothing had happened!

No matter what I say to him I just can't seem to get through to him to leave me alone. It's like every weekend he tries to think of new ways to sabotage my child free time.

I suffer with anxiety which he knows and I'm trying my hardest to manage it but he's making it very difficult

We have no court order for children. We've agreed I have full custody and he had them overnight on Saturdays. Legally can I stop him from seeing them? If children are asked they will say they want to go and stay with him once a week

Next time, if there is one, call the police and give them his address and vehicle reg if he threatens to do himself harm. Never, ever leap up and go chasing after him. That's just what the kind of puppetmaster he wants to be thrives on. Police every time.

But I would think long and hard before I let him have the children again. Their time with him is supposed to be time with him, not time abandoned with grandparents and being worried sick what he's up to!

If this is a court-agreed arrangement, go back and ask for it to be stopped because of his emotionally abusive behaviour to his DC. If it's a private agreement, you can put a stop to it and force him to take you to court for contact. Keep a record of dates and times of his shenanigans for evidence, keep texts etc

Stop answering the phone to him. Tell his parents if you are needed in an emergency when he has DC that they should call you from their phone. Explain to them that if his harassment continues you will have no option but to contact the police.
His parents are facilitating his harassment of you and they need to understand how serious this is.
He hasn't listened in 2 plus years so maybe try to get them on bored.

I bet you are glad you split up!
for you because he's a complete shit.

Can you drop off the children at their grandparents and he picks them up from there?

@NearlyGranny I have started writing it all down and keeping records of his text etc because it is actually getting ridiculous. I never know what he is going to do next.

I'm so split with the kids. I know they would hate me if I stopped them going but not sure of the alternative if this is going to keep happening

Sorry, cross-posted! Yes, you can easily say no to contact. I'm sure the DC would love to spend Saturday night with him, but they aren't, are they? He's playing stupid games with them as pawns. That's not contact; it's abuse.

No chance of getting his parents on board. Last night they made my thirteen year old son call me and tell me he was worried rather than them calling me and they didn't bother to put my sons mind at ease by goi b to his flat to see what was going on. They don't believe a word I say and think the sun shines out of his arse and that he's don't nothing wrong. When he turned up at their house while I was out looking for him they didn't even let me know 😡 they are enabling his behaviour. His dad asked why I wouldn't let him in his own house when I told him what he'd said about me getting cancer his dad said he doesn't believe for a minute he said that! They know nothing only what he tells them which will be the opposite of the truth

It's all about control. He ignores you all week as he knows you are looking after the kids. He does this on your child free time to try to catch you with another man and stop you having a life.

Sorry but I wouldn't allow him to have the kids on his own either.

Keep your phone in hand or nearby when he is talking to you to record what he says and keep every text.

Go to the police and tell them your ex is harassing you.

I think with todays example I would have collected your dc from ex ils and not gone to check on him. I'm sorry you're going through this it sounds horrible.

Set up an email account for communicating with him. Send him it and Block him on everything else. Only check the email when you want to. Don't be speaking to him every day, or about anything that isn't contact. I think you have to be prepared to ignore him and perhaps end up going to the police for a harassment order.

Start recording the bastard OP,any phone calls he makes to you you record,if he comes to your home banging on the door record the fucker,his parents can argue all they like but when you have proof they'll have to stop being so fucking ignorant of what he's like.

Show the Police the recordings as well and I agree with everyone else I'd be going through court for contact x