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Original poster

To think STBXH wanted me to think he'd killed himself

53 replies

clpsmum · 13/10/2019 19:34

Yesterday stbxh took our three DC for their weekly sleepover. Thirty minutes after he took them he phoned me to ask what my plans were. I told him none of his business. Thirty minutes after that he'd left the DC with his mum and turned up unannounced at house. He was angry when I wouldn't let him in. (So not to drip feed last time I was alone with him he hit me, last week he told me he hopes my body is ravaged with cancer and I die a long slow painful death) I do not feel comfortable being alone with him and have no desire to discuss again why I won't give him another chance.

This sort of thing happens every single weekend without fail as soon as I am child free. When the children are with me six nights a week I hear nothing from him. Every weekend he will phone crying and begging me to get back with him one minute then being vile and abusive the next. I've always tried to be civil (not always worked but I've tried!) we have been separated two years and lived apart 22 months.

So after I refused to speak to him and let him in house he went away and phoned ten minutes later. He ranted for a bit and cried for a bit then said he better go pick up our DC from his parents before he "did something stupid" (this is not the first time he's threatened this). And hung up. He then text to say he's sorry for everything goodbye. I ignored text as didn't want to pander to him yet again.

Four hours later my eldest DC called to say he was worried about his dad as he'd not collected them from their grandparents house and they couldn't contact him on the phone. I tried calling him but phone off. Waited for a friend to arrive to come to his flat with me as wasn't sure what to expect and didn't want to go alone. This all took roughly another thirty minutes. Got to his flat and no car and no sign of him. Called his parents to say he's not there what now. They said oh no he's back now he's been in his flat all the time upset because you wouldn't let him in to talk to you.

Aibu to think this was a massive mind game to make me think he had killed himself???

Sorry for massive long post and any typos

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/10/2019 20:26

Stop engaging with him.

Drop the kids at your IL's and then turn off your phone.

Do not enter into any other communication with him. If he turns up call the police and let them deal with him.

AskMeHow · 13/10/2019 20:30

Why did you go to the flat to look for him?

Why do you think you have any sort of responsibility for his wellbeing?

I'm sure it's hard but he is not your family now, neither are his parents. You must disengage.

As a pp said, 'in that situation I would have gone to collect the children from his parents'. Why didn't you do that? That would have allowed his parents to go and check on him if they wanted to without leaving your children on their own.

You must stop reacting to this stuff.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 20:31

You mustn’t leave your children with him.

LovePoppy · 13/10/2019 20:34

You need to call In a threatened suicide

Every.Single.Time.

You’re still jumping to his whims

LovePoppy · 13/10/2019 20:36

Your children’s paternal family is unsafe.

Stop sending them there. You’re unwittingly allowing them to be used as pawns to get at you

Original poster
clpsmum · 13/10/2019 20:36

@AskMeHow you are right. I was just sat pondering that myself. That's exactly what I should've done gone to get my kids and left them to look for their son. I think I just had a major panic and wasn't expecting my son to call. I acted in panic rather than sitting and thinking about a rational plan of action.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/10/2019 20:37

Well you know his game now.

Next time, just go pick up your kids and go for a pizza or something. Don't pander to his shit.

Sagradafamiliar · 13/10/2019 20:39

I'd be worried sick the whole time the kids were with him.
What benefit are your children getting from him if he just dumps them on his parents so he can come and harass/spend time harassing you every week anyway?

seaweedandmarchingbands · 13/10/2019 20:40

I don’t know why anyone would suggest to you that’s it’s okay to let your children be alone with your suicidal, obviously obsessive ex: it’s dangerous. Stop them from seeing him immediately. How many man-kills-children scenarios do people need to read?

AskMeHow · 13/10/2019 20:41

@clpsmum yes it's the panic isn't it, I understand. Next time he tries this sort of stunt though you'll know to give yourself a couple of minutes to think about the best thing to do instead of leaping into action. You've got this Wink

AnyFucker · 13/10/2019 20:42

You have his number all right, op. You said yourself you don't hear a peep from him Sunday-Friday.

Wise up and stop dancing to his tune. These losers don't have the self awareness to kill themself and rid the planet of their fuckwittery.

But you can erase it from your life if you stop playing ball.

Grey rock. No reaction. No drama. The opposite of love is indifference...remember that.

VimFuego101 · 13/10/2019 20:42

I agree with a previous poster who said call the police and get them to do a welfare check.

BertieBotts · 13/10/2019 20:48

Sorry to be blunt, but men who kill their children don't do so in order to hurt the children, they do it to hurt the mother. I would not be so sure that they are safe with him although I would hope like others say that he's just saying it for attention/effect.

Might it be worth contacting women's aid to see if they see the same danger there and if so what you can do about it?

ClemDanFango · 13/10/2019 20:48

Be careful with this mutual arrangement with the children, he could decided to just not bring them home one day and you will have a fight on your hands to get them back.
It sounds like he’ll do anything to hurt/punish you I wouldn’t put it past him to do this.

Ginger1982 · 13/10/2019 20:49

I wouldn't allow contact. He wants to hurt you and the ideal way to do that is to do something to the kids and then himself. The ultimate 'fuck you.'

If you have no court order legally you can withhold contact if you don't think it's in the kids best interests. Make him take you to court.

WiddlinDiddlin · 13/10/2019 20:56

Mmm..

I'd LOVE to be able to confidently state as other posters have that 'yeah, he's not going to actually DO it...'

Time was, I would have..

Until it actually happened and a young person known to me, repeatedly threatened in various veiled and not so veiled ways, to kill themselves in order to manipulate an ex partner over their behaviour (which was none of this persons business) and their child...

Eventually, whilst they were taking care of their baby... they left baby on the sofa (not alone but, under the watchful eye of an elderly drunk) and went outside and hung themselves, having sent a cryptic facebook message.

Dead before the emergency services got there, dead in front of their tiny child.

So yes, yes he might well do it.

However, that does NOT mean you pander to his behaviour.

Keep your children safe, if you cannot prevent them going there, give them escape routes such as a mobile phone to call you on.

Each and every time he makes some sort of threat, no matter how veiled, inform the authorities and his family that you think someone is at risk.

Do not engage in argument or discuss with him, but take the appropriate action each time as above.

IF he doesn't mean it, then this will stop it in the end as it never gets him the result HE wants which isyou frantically rushing around after him worried sick.

Lindy2 · 13/10/2019 20:57

When your child called to say their dad hadn't collected them I'd have gone and collected the children, not gone looking for him. Why did you do that? That's just exactly what he wanted you to do.

He disappeared for 4 + hours when it was his day to be with his children. That's not spending time with them.

Stop the visits. Contact a solicitor and the police if you need to.

flapjackfairy · 13/10/2019 21:03

I would be worried sick that he would harm them and then kill himself to get back at you. How many times do you see that scenario acted out ! I wouldn't let my kids anywhere near him or his family tbh.

BirdyTweet · 13/10/2019 21:07

His parents might be enabling his shitty behaviour but do you trust them around your kids?
You could make sure his contact is at their house?
Sorry you've had to go through this, he sounds awful!

BirdyTweet · 13/10/2019 21:08

Can you set up a camera on your front door somehow? That way you have proof for a) the police b) his parents and c) your kids when they're older if he tries to twist it into you being the bad guy.

Sarahandco · 13/10/2019 21:11

I wouldn't leave the kids with him either - it is unlikely but you hear of parents killing the children to spite the ex. There have been a few stories recently.

I would tell him there is no chance of you ever getting back together and he will not be having them until he stops his games.

Perunatop · 13/10/2019 21:12

In your position I think I might try to reduce contact to every two weeks, and then perhaps even extend to every 3 weeks. If he is going to leave DCs with GPs then it is not him they are seeing anyway. Alternatively get a court order and request all contact is via third party so you do not have to deal with him directly.

LovePoppy · 13/10/2019 21:13

Please read and reread what @WiddlinDiddlin has written

BestZebbie · 13/10/2019 21:24

I also think this man is a huge red flag for killing the children to spite you, and that you should go through police and courts as hard as possible to block him being able to take them or have unsupervised access - even if he doesn't go through with anything, what if next time he does this prank he has your kids with him and you spend the afternoon thinking they might all be dead instead of just him?
Whilst you are doing that, I'd go out of your house the second that his car has left your road, just leaving a doorbell camera to receive him when he comes back to look for you. Go to the library or a cafe or other public place where the staff have cctv and could phone the police or your behalf if he found you and tried to start something.

NotStayingIn · 13/10/2019 21:31

I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation.

I agree with previous posters, record EVERYTHING. Google how to record phone calls. If your phone can't do it, try and get one that can. Save every text.

Next time he sends you any message, go and collect your children. DO NOT go and find him. If his parents argue, show them the text/call and say you are getting the children so they can go and find their son (if he isn't with them)/ look after their son. And do that every single time. Also, get the police involved and record the times you've called them and what happened. Keep a log of everything in case you do want to go and get further help.

He wants your attention, so make sure that is the one thing you don't give him.

Good luck OP. And really well done for getting out of this relationship.

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