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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want to dump my friend

60 replies

Obligatorync · 13/10/2019 16:58

I have had a friend for 8 years. We worked together but I moved jobs 5 years ago. She is still in the same job.

We only see each other every month or so, but every meeting is the same.

She vents about work/love life/DC/everything for the entire time.

She's incredibly negative and the things that upset her are becoming irrational over time. She does have counselling but seems if anything to be getting worse.

I do like her and it's not that I get nothing put of our conversations, but it's exhausting getting all this emotion dumped out, and she doesn't want advice, just to rant. She feels bullied by many people but I am starting to question her perception and wonder how others would describe the situations she talks about.

Anyway, I am starting to dread her visits, and decided to make today sort of a test. Since I last saw her, one of my DC was hospitalised with a life threatening allergic reaction. I wanted to see if she would ask after him, as I was starting to suspect she wasn't interested in much apart from venting.

Well, I almost wish I hadn't paid attention. She was here for 4.5h and, not only did she not ask about my son, she didn't ask me one single question the entire time. Not even how are you.

Any attempt to change the subject from the constant moaning was rebuffed immediately.

I don't want to do this again. But I don't want to upset someone who is finding life really hard. I'm actually really fond of her, I just can't take the negativity, I feel so stressed after she leaves.

I thought of just trying to phase her out, but if the friendship hasn't petered out after 5 years of no longer working together, I think it will take more than that.

Do you think it's possible to change the dynamic of the friendship? If not, how would you end it?

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 13/10/2019 16:59

No. Just be busy when it’s the next time to get together. It will fizzle out.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 13/10/2019 17:03

Do you try changing the subject at all or just sit and let her rant on? If you really like her it would be a shame to lose her but I think you need to jump in and talk about yourself a bit more or steer the conversation towards other things. If she continues to make you stressed though then you have every right to cool the friendship, maybe meet less often or meet on neutral territory so you can leave when it gets too much.

MrsNoMopp · 13/10/2019 17:06

Tell her you found it hurtful that she didn't once ask about you or your DC. She will either be mortified and apologise, or she'll make some excuse.

You won't leave her wondering what she's done wrong, when she may not have realised. It's horrible to be dumped and have no idea why.

But you will also see how she reacts and whether she genuinely cares about your friendship.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/10/2019 17:07

As I see it you have three options.

A.) You ghost her. Not nice, avoids confrontation but she will probably feel very hurt, at least temporarily.
B.) You tell her what the problem is and give her the opportunity to address it. Not ideal if you don't like confrontation, could be very awkward and may not actually lead to any change in her behaviour.
C.) You keep saying you're too busy to meet up until she eventually gets the message. Potentially avoids confrontation if she is accepting of it and let's the friendship fizzle. But unless she's pretty dim she'll realise you're phasing her out and she may ask you directly why you're avoiding her.

I'd probably go for C and hope for the best.

Original poster

Obligatorync · 13/10/2019 17:10

I do try, either by telling her some news or, more often, just talking about something else. She will reply briefly and then say 'right, where was I?' and continue dissecting everything that has been said to her at work.
We work in the same field and used to work in the same office, so it's natural to discuss it to a degree, but it goes way beyond that.
Any attempt to advise is ignored.
I can't see being able to just stop meeting up without some kind of confrontation. I just don't think she will let go.
Heck, I'm not even sure I want to destroy the relationship. I do value her, although granted this post doesn't show it.
I think meeting on neutral ground is a good idea. Possibly also trying to do an activity so it's not such intense chat.
I am concerned about her also, as I say, the things she rants about are becoming increasingly irrational despite mental health help.

OP posts:

Original poster

Obligatorync · 13/10/2019 17:11

Sorry, cross posted with more replies there.

OP posts:

Frouby · 13/10/2019 17:12

I would start calling her on her negativity as she speaks at you. I do it with my very good friend, who has a tendency to be a Debbie Downer. I say things like 'that's 8 mins of moaning, tell me something nice'. Or 'right, now that's off your chest did you see so and so are back together'. Or I look at her, raise my eyebrows and actually say 'Debbie, is that you in Carols body again?'.

But that's only possible because we are very old friends. If you don't have that kind of relationship then it might not work.

JustDanceAddict · 13/10/2019 17:14

Don’t ghost her. A long-standing friend did it to me and I have no idea why. I have many old friends but sadly no mutuals so never found out what I did to offend her. Maybe she had enough of the friendship?
I would prob do c) as it’s halfway to ghosting but not as brutal. It’s v easy to lose contact if it’s just a 1:2:1 friendship and not in a group. ‘Sorry I’m really busy w the kids atm.’ Type thing. It’s a polite brush off.

Marlena1 · 13/10/2019 17:14

I think maybe you owe her a chance. I work with someone like this and I am starting to question her version of past employment issues. I can't say much to her as it's a work situation (and I would be cautious with her) but with a friend I definitely would. If things don't improve then you could phase it out.

breakfastpizza · 13/10/2019 17:15

I had to do this recently. Very one-sided relationship. Constantly messaging me to go out to lunch (LONG lunch) so she could talk at me. I'd just get home from the latest meet-up and she'd be texting asking when we we're meeting up again. It finally clicked for me: I don't enjoy her company, so why am I spending my precious free time on her?

Just keep telling her you're busy. No need to go into the specifics. If she texts you, take a day or so to reply. She'll get the hint (...eventually).

BumbleBeee69 · 13/10/2019 17:24

So you're happy to waste 4.5 hrs on someone who cares not a jot for your seriously unwell child, because you don't want to upset HER ?!

Sort out your priorities OP. Kick this selfish dweeb to the kerb FFS.

littleorangecat22 · 13/10/2019 17:26

Tell her! Have a conversation about how it makes you feel. Say what you've said here about caring about her. She might have no idea what she is doing and by telling her you're helping her and you and your freiendship. I wish people could be more open about things like this. It would prevent a lot of anxiety and frustration. If she cares about you she won't want to drag you down and making her aware that she is is the best way to address it.

Windydaysuponus · 13/10/2019 17:26

2 years ago I spelled out to a friend why I didn't want to see her anymore.
Imo it really is the only way...

Smelborp · 13/10/2019 17:27

I think you need to be honest with her. I’d say something like, “on the last visit, you were here for 4.5 hours and talked about all your problems. My DS has been in hospital but you didn’t ask about him once or ask any questions about me, not even a ‘how are you?’ This isn’t feeling like a friendship anymore as there’s no reciprocity. I am just a being used as a sounding board for your issues. I like you and I want to stay friends but this needs to change.”

Chilledout11 · 13/10/2019 17:31

I would cope with the moaning but not the selfishness of not caring about your child who was so ill

I would let her know that you find it selfish the way she is so me me me. Then let it drift.

butterybiscuitbasic · 13/10/2019 17:33

This is going to sound sarcastic but it’s not meant to be - why do you like her? Is this way of being selfish in communication temporary? Or has she always been like this and perhaps you didn’t notice?

If the former it may be worth trying to talk to her. Do it face to face - by text it will come out wrong. That said, there are plenty of people that fall into the latter category and it can take a while to pick up on.

Lipz · 13/10/2019 17:43

When my friend was fizzling out our friendship she did it without me even realising. She'd be busy all the time, plans made etc until I stopped contacting her. We bumped into each other and she opened up that she couldn't take my talking about my HD. At the time I was only diagnosed so didn't even realise I was talking about myself constantly. In a way it opened my eyes not to talk about my disease and to pre prepare questions in my head to ask about other people. I only wish she had of been honest and I could have addressed it. Maybe be open and honest ? That's if you want to have some sort of relationship with her.

Chattycatty · 13/10/2019 17:44

If you are ready to lose her as a friend then why not just say something like " you do realise you've not asked me anything about my life" maybe she doesnt realise the way she overtakes everything I did this and shocked my friend into listening to herself

BlueJava · 13/10/2019 17:49

I think there's only a few of ways to change things

1.You could let it fizzle out by being busy etc or

You could gently tell her that you find a lot of the conversation negative
You could try booking somehing to do together in the hopes that actually doing something beyond chatting refocusses her - e.g. go for a walk, do a local class together, go to the cinema etc.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 13/10/2019 17:53

I have a friend who mainly talks about herself,she hasn't got a bad bone in her body and I really like her so I just laugh to myself now about how self absorbed she is and how she doesnt realise shes doing it.
It depends how much you like her if you're not that bothered then end the friendship,if you do like her then just accept that's how she is.

Snog · 13/10/2019 17:57

OP in a relationship there are two people and I think that you need to take share the responsibility for this dynamic.
How do you react when she moans at you?
If you are either:
Offering solutions
Telling her it's not as bad as she thinks
Giving a positive spin

Then this is perpetuating the dynamic.
It is fine to change the subject if you want to talk about something different.

Snog · 13/10/2019 18:00

Oops sorry I missed that you do try to change the subject. Can you say "that sounds really difficult."
Then say I don't really want to talk about work/whatever and start talking about your own life or something neutral instead?

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 13/10/2019 18:00

Yanbu, op.

She sounds like terrible hard work.

You could stop being available when she wants to meet up. If she eventually asks what the problem is - it might be some time - then that's the time to tell her.

Wish I could do the same with a certain relative!

SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated · 13/10/2019 18:01

I had a friend like this!
Note the past tense...
We used to be great friends until I realised I felt SO tired after meeting with her. It took a while to realise why. Moaning, moaning, moaning... And "That wouldn't work" answer to EVERY SINGLE suggestion.
I did similar to you. I counted how long it would take fir her to ask me ANYTHING about me during a phone call and how long I got to answer. After an hour of listening to her, I had 3.5 minutes...
I just let it cool down. Didn't call her, answered every third or so call from her, then less and less and then cut it completely.
She was just so so so draining...

Rolypolybabies · 13/10/2019 18:04

Ditch. 100% I felt so much better once I only had people who were kind and cared about more than just themselves in my life

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