I want to dump my friend

[Obligatorync]

I have had a friend for 8 years. We worked together but I moved jobs 5 years ago. She is still in the same job.

We only see each other every month or so, but every meeting is the same.

She vents about work/love life/DC/everything for the entire time.

She's incredibly negative and the things that upset her are becoming irrational over time. She does have counselling but seems if anything to be getting worse.

I do like her and it's not that I get nothing put of our conversations, but it's exhausting getting all this emotion dumped out, and she doesn't want advice, just to rant. She feels bullied by many people but I am starting to question her perception and wonder how others would describe the situations she talks about.

Anyway, I am starting to dread her visits, and decided to make today sort of a test. Since I last saw her, one of my DC was hospitalised with a life threatening allergic reaction. I wanted to see if she would ask after him, as I was starting to suspect she wasn't interested in much apart from venting.

Well, I almost wish I hadn't paid attention. She was here for 4.5h and, not only did she not ask about my son, she didn't ask me one single question the entire time. Not even how are you.

Any attempt to change the subject from the constant moaning was rebuffed immediately.

I don't want to do this again. But I don't want to upset someone who is finding life really hard. I'm actually really fond of her, I just can't take the negativity, I feel so stressed after she leaves.

I thought of just trying to phase her out, but if the friendship hasn't petered out after 5 years of no longer working together, I think it will take more than that.

Do you think it's possible to change the dynamic of the friendship? If not, how would you end it?

I did this recently with someone. I felt like an unpain therapist everytime we met up and I ended up dreading seeing her. It was a very one sided 'friendship'.

I ended up saying I was busy everytime she wanted to catch up, and she got the hint.

Honestly I feel better for it.

I am sure I am perpetuating it.
There are undoubtedly things about the workplace she talks about that are really toxic. It's why I left. I think in her shoes I'd have lost the plot after a further five years. So I let her talk to start with and supported her.
At the start it felt like we were sharing a conversation, because I'd just left.
As time went on, as it became clear that the things upsetting her were more and more out there, I tried gently to suggest ways to tackle the situations and even say that perhaps she was going in so defensive that having problems was becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In the end, I was helping her job hunt, but she doesn't feel able to move on.
So lately I have usually given advice once per session and otherwise just listened.
She has always been like this to a degree, but it's definitely got worse.
I appreciate all the ideas. I think I will talk to her gently about how I feel. I'm prepared to lose the friendship so nothing to lose for me anyway, and less awkward and mean than ghosting...I'd inevitably bump into her anyway.

You say you like her so it would be a shame to lose her. She probably doesn't realise she's monopolising the conversation, but I get that listening to a monologue for hours can be exhausting. It's hard not to run from the room screaming.
You can be honest with her without being cruel. When she comes over next and she's dominating the conversation you could say something along the lines of "friend I like seeing you and hearing about what's going on in your life but I also need the space to tell you about my life too. I feel that I'm just trapped into listening and I want to tell you what's happening with me because you're my friend."
That'll get a reaction and she might be apologetic.

I used to have one of these. Added to the me myself and I attitude, was the turning up late, being on her phone when she was with me but making me wait days for a reply to my messages and general using me as a sounding board and doormat.

I used to put up with it as my self esteem was quite low following bereavements and generally being bashed by life. I probably didn't think I was worthy of more than the scraps if a one sided relationship that she was prepared to offer.
Then I woke up!
Don't miss her at all.

She sounds depressed and depressed people can be selfish. She probably does not even know what she is doing. Confront her about your son, as friendships are 2 way and you do not want to make her worse. If that does not help her think and change, dump her because it is no good for you.

I always wonder if the people who have been ghosted and are completely baffled as to why are also the type of people who will spend 4 hours venting about their life and forget to ask about the other person to the point OP describes.

You email her and tell her... I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time at xxx. Do you realise you spent 4 1/2 hours talking about yourself? You didn’t ask me how I was, you didn’t ask about xxx who as you know was hospitalised with yyy. I’m worried about you and I think you should see a professional about your issues. The way you behaved with me last time we met isn’t healthy and I am not in a position to offer you the type of support you want or need. I hope you get help and understand why for my own mental health, I need to take a little break from our meet ups until next year.

I think as she is still someone you care about, you should tell her what your problem with her is for her own good. She may or may not be capable of taking it on board, but at least you will have tried to help her in something that probably alienating everyone around her.

I would just let it fizzle out, don't be available etc. I feel for you, I have the same problem.

"That wouldn't work" answer to EVERY SINGLE suggestion - omg yes, it's exhausting!

I think if it was me I'd be busy next time she wants to meet up and push it so you see her after 2 months instead of 1, and when I did see her I'd have "plans" for a certain time so that I could only see her for say 2 hours instead of 4.5.

I'd also meet up somewhere neutral like a coffee shop aa surely she wont moan about anything too personal in public?

It's a really difficult one though OP. I think if a lot of the moaning still stemmed from her job I'd have to say something like "you've been there for 8 years and you obviously hate it, why dont you look for something else?"

In terms of what I like about her...she is clever, hard working and innovative, funny when she isn't too depressed, and if I genuinely needed something and properly spelled it out, she'd help me and be loyal.

Hmm tricky op. Depression can make people come across as incredibly self centred and it sounds it may be this. On the other hand, some people really are “drains” as opposed to radiators. Can you take a step back to try and evaluate which she is?

If you are really at the point of finishing the friendship, then I think you have nothing to lose by being blunt with her, @Obligatorync.

Next time she wants to meet up, say ”Do you realise all our meetings ever consist of is you ranting and me nodding in silence? Last time you didn’t even bother to waste a second on asking after my child who had been in hospital! It is exhausting for me, and I feel like all I do is give, and all you do is take - and I am not prepared to do this any more. Are you willing to change, or shall we call it a day?”

Her response will tell you if the friendship is salvageable - a genuine apology, and a promise to do better - it might be worth having another meet-up and seeing if she can follow through on her promise. On the other hand, if she gets irate and stroppy, you have your answer and the friendship is over.

@Obligatorync if she'd be there for you no matter what then you should do the same for her

This is a difficult one, especially if you think the friendship might be worth preserving. If you tell her she talks about herself too much, you run the risk of her either getting defensive and upset or (perhaps worse) trying to change her behaviour and ask about you but without any genuine interest.
I suppose you could try to make your contact time shorter with her so that you’re not listening for too long. And accept that she’s not a person you can turn to for support.

The problem is that you no longer share anything. I rearely ask about my freinds' DCs and they don't ask after mine. We talk about shared ineterests most of the time. That's why work freindships are often so good but once the work goes you have to conduct the friendship in a sort of a vacuum.

My advice would be to make an effort to do something together. See a film, go for a walk next time you talk, join a pilates class together - something so that you can share and activity. She doesn't sound like a bad person - just stuck for things to talk about.

I have exactly the same situation we meet up she vents at me tells me what a great time she had and how she feels much better and I am emotionally drained. Sometimes she doesn’t even ask how I am it’s all about her, her work, her illnesses (hypercondriac) and her life. If I do tell her something she will have had it ten times better or ten times worse so sometimes it’s not even worth bringing up.

I do question why I am friends with her but I know if I had an emergency she would 100% be there for me and on small doses she is actually ok.

I keep her at arms length and turn down anything like big days out or spa trips etc x

But she wasn't there for you when your child had been in hospital, was she? She didn't even give you a few minutes of her time, to ask how your child was now.

Not so much a confrontation, but say you're both in a conversational rut. Suggest you both meet as normal, but absolutely no talking about work.
See how it goes from there.

Aargh now I'm torn. What you say @CleopatraTomato makes a huge amount of sense and I was ready to go with finding new shared activities.
But @Motoko you are right. I think she likes fighting people's corners when it's also about her. I don't think she gave a shit about this. And thinking about it she is into children and animals but only so far as she can use them to make herself look caring.
I think I may have been completely wrong about her. But I don't think she knows she is this way.

@BlankTimes I might give that one try.

She probably doesn't realise she is talking about herself non stop and if you pointed it out it probably wouldn't make any difference . She is selfish and is using you as a sounding board , there is no excuse not to ask about your son , none. Personally I would phase the friendship out. My sister is like this - asks nothing about me or my family talks about herself constantly. (The day my lovely MIL died she came round and was talking about herself within 5 mins of coming through the door ) if she wasn't my sister I would go nc. Surely a friendship should be two sided - you discuss your problems help each other with solutions , have a laugh etc. Would you really miss this friendship?

So, she'll help out if she can get something out of it, kudos, etc, but as there was no mileage in your child's hospitalisation, she didn't even mention it.

I think I'd go with phasing her out. She doesn't sound like someone who would take well to being told she's draining you, so I don't think it's worth talking to her about it.

Hiya I met my friend 12 years ago. We had 5 years of hanging out until she became a mum. Then I had a baby 18 months after her. Suddenly I realised how one sided our friendship was. It's too much to go into but when my DD was 9 months old we stopped talking for 2 years as her toddler was so rough with my baby and she did nothing to stop her. She was soooo self centered. I like you began dreading meeting her each week.

We started talking again 2 years ago as we got pregnant 10 weeks apart. But I soon realised she was still the same 😒 she expects me to always be free on her days off etc and went grumpy with me 3 weeks ago because I refused to take my son out in torrential rain for a catch up when he had already been in his pushchair for the school run!

Anyhow it's been 3 weeks and she's not tried to meet up.

My advice is make excuses for a while. Headaches, other plans, last minute cancellation due to a cold or a bad night's sleep. Anything to phase her out abit. She is selfish!!! To not ask about your son is really rude and not a sign of a decent friend! X

Christ she sounds impossibly hard work.

I think you're going to have to be honest with her. Call her out on it and if you're not exaggerating and she really did bang on about herself for 4 hours, then I would tell her exactly that.

Say that you have no desire to be part of a one way conversation any longer. She sounds self absorbed and a complete nightmare.

Be prepared for her to say what an awful friend you are though. These types just aren't capable of owning up to their shitty behaviour.

Lots of people suggesting phasing her out as the kindest option. I would've suggested same had I not had personal experience of doing this to someone for not dissimilar reasons and it not going as expected.

My friend was very persistent and it became clear she wasn't going to be easy to phase out. She then asked if she'd done anything wrong and, instead of using it as an opportunity to tell her, I stupidly said "lol no, I just am REALLY busy these days". It went on for several more months before she finally took the hint, blocked me off everything and now blanks me if we bump into each other.

It's really awkward and I feel pretty shit about it. We do have some mutual friends and acquaintances (although not close) and I worry about bumping into her and have actually not gone to certain events or places because of this. I only have myself to blame.

If I were to find myself in the same position again I would likely go with the phasing out again but be ready to tell her straight if it wasn't working. Easier said than done as I hate confrontation which is why I did what I did!

Good luck with whatever you decide!