I want to dump my friend

[Obligatorync]

I have had a friend for 8 years. We worked together but I moved jobs 5 years ago. She is still in the same job.

We only see each other every month or so, but every meeting is the same.

She vents about work/love life/DC/everything for the entire time.

She's incredibly negative and the things that upset her are becoming irrational over time. She does have counselling but seems if anything to be getting worse.

I do like her and it's not that I get nothing put of our conversations, but it's exhausting getting all this emotion dumped out, and she doesn't want advice, just to rant. She feels bullied by many people but I am starting to question her perception and wonder how others would describe the situations she talks about.

Anyway, I am starting to dread her visits, and decided to make today sort of a test. Since I last saw her, one of my DC was hospitalised with a life threatening allergic reaction. I wanted to see if she would ask after him, as I was starting to suspect she wasn't interested in much apart from venting.

Well, I almost wish I hadn't paid attention. She was here for 4.5h and, not only did she not ask about my son, she didn't ask me one single question the entire time. Not even how are you.

Any attempt to change the subject from the constant moaning was rebuffed immediately.

I don't want to do this again. But I don't want to upset someone who is finding life really hard. I'm actually really fond of her, I just can't take the negativity, I feel so stressed after she leaves.

I thought of just trying to phase her out, but if the friendship hasn't petered out after 5 years of no longer working together, I think it will take more than that.

Do you think it's possible to change the dynamic of the friendship? If not, how would you end it?

I’d be tempted to message her saying you have a serious crisis and really need her support. If she gets in touch straightaway asking what’s wrong, can she help etc., she’s probably a good person at heart, but who has the odd selfish moment. If she is mysteriously busy or misses the message somehow, she’s a fair weather friend who you should phase out.

Whenever she embarks on a major moan, I would suggest to her she tries medication or therapy.

You never know, if she actually did that, she might become a really different person!

At this point you have nothing to lose lol.

I think I would eventually snap tbh and tell her what I think of her self obsessed ways. Who knows, she might apologise and change them. Or she might bugger off :)

I think you need to ring her up and say [Name] “I have given this a lot of thought, and we really need to have a chat. You were over at my house for 4.5 hours, and we spoke in depth about your problems with x, y & z again, and you left frustrated because there Is never any resolution. I think I know why. If you can answer these questions - which any friend should be able to do after spending 4.5 hours in my company, we might have some insight....
How is my DC? Any lasting effects since the hospital stay?
How am I feeling about work?
What challenges am I facing in my life at the moment?
Would you describe yourself as someone who lifts or depresses people’s energy levels?
I think you need to start looking outside yourself or you are going to end up very lonely. It is impossible to be friends in a one-way relationship.

Thank you all for your replies. It's been really helpful to read all of them, and to think around the situation a bit.
Still not sure exactly what I'm going to do, will keep you posted!

I know someone like this. It's gobsmacking how lacking in awareness she is... We once went out for someone's leaving dinner - just three of us. She didn't ask a single question of either of us and spent the ENTIRE meal engaged in some kind of monologue.

She definitely has issues but I don't have the energy or tolerance for her rudeness. I avoid. Like the plague.

@Obligatorync if she'd be there for you no matter what then you should do the same for her
@PrincessHoneysuckle, understand the idea with this, but no.

Friend has already proven they aren’t there for OP. Where was friend when child was in hospital?

On top of that, Just because somebody might have a stronger attachment to a friendship than the other doesn’t mean we Should all be forced to stay in friendships but no longer work.

@Obligatorync I really think you need to tell her why you are no longer invested. It doesn’t need to be face-to-face, it can be a text. But for your own sanity, I will probably send something to the affect of how you feel you are strictly in this relationship as a sounding board and not a real person. That you’re sorry things are not going well for her at the moment but that you aren’t a therapist and you need more out of a relationship than she is able to give you

How about next time you meet you text her first and say "I'm having a tough time at the moment - I'm happy to talk about it briefly if you would be OK with that, but after that please could we just talk about positive fun things as I need an escape from negativity"

If she ignores that, then I think you are certainly not being unfair if you cut back contact with her afterwards and explain why.

”...if she'd be there for you no matter what then you should do the same for her...”

How is the friend ‘being there’ for the OP, when all she does is monologue about her own issues, without even sparing a moment to ask after the OP’s child who had been in hospital, @PrincessHoneysuckle?

Reading the OP again, I cannot see a friend who is ‘always there’ for the OP - I see someone is utterly selfish in the way she uses the OP as a dumping ground for all her woes, then goes on her merry way having offloaded her stress, without giving the OP, her issues or her wellbeing a single thought!

I’ve recently lost a friendship like this. She has MH issues but despite my encouragement refused to face them or seek help. She became obsessive about contacting me, meeting up but when we did we seemed to have the same conversations each time. We’d worked together and even though we’d left she always brought up issues from the old place. DH said he didn’t know why we talked because we always had the same conversation and nothing changed. I suddenly realised he was right. Actually our friendship wasn’t just depressing for me, it was unhelpful to her. I wasn’t able to Change or improve things for her. I started withdrawing, not answering the phone so much or replying to texts. She started getting a bit weird in her messages. Then she said something that was meant to be concern but I actually took offence to. I didn’t reply and she cut all contact with me. Honestly, it was a relief. Every so often I remember she’s cut contact with me and again I get that relief. Friendships are about give and take but it should never make you miserable all the time and leave you feeling drained after an interaction.