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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to contribute to a crowd-funding request?

102 replies

Patnotpending · 13/10/2019 10:43

I've been asked to contribute to a crowd-funder to send a woman to the US for treatment at an 'amazing' hospital run by a former surgeon who seems to specialise in treating people who have been given only a few months to live. The patient has a cancer that has a very poor prognosis. She has a 1 in 4 chance of surviving a year and a 6 in 100 chance of living for five years. Apparently the US hospital specialises in treatments not available on the NHS but it's not clear what they are.

I've known other people who have died while spending all their money on quack and alternative therapies after refusing what the NHS has to offer and I absolutely hate the charlatans involved. I would really rather give some money to a charity that supports women and children – vaccinations for children or the Addis Ababa Fistula Hospital, for example. My partner tells me I'm being unkind and I should give £20 and then forget about it. I really don't want a penny of my money going to some quack who preys on the vulnerable. AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

Lockheart · 13/10/2019 10:45

Of course YANBU to give / not give money to whatever causes you want.

Is this woman someone you know closely and it would make it awkward?

CareBear50 · 13/10/2019 10:46

Who asked you?

NachoFries · 13/10/2019 10:49

I agree with your partner. You said that she has a 1 in 4 chance of surviving a year and a 6 in 100 chance of living for five years. So what’s the harm with just giving £20?

Inebriati · 13/10/2019 10:50

I think you and the patient are looking at the prognosis in a different way. You are thinking about how your money will go to a doctor that cant guarantee a complete cure (which doesn't mean they are a quack). She is thinking that she has a 1 in 4 chance at another year of life.

If its a friend and you can afford £10 or £20, then send it and tell yourself ''there but for the grace of God go I''.

NailsNeedDoing · 13/10/2019 10:52

Have you done any research on the treatment the woman isn't trying to get? I appreciate there are many times when you hear stories like this and it seems like it's a load of shite and some quack that's preys on the vulnerable, but it's also true that sometimes there are treatments and medications available that the NHS doesn't offer. It is not always the case that if the NHS can't fix it then no one can.

Depending on the link you have with th person, and assuming you can easily afford it, I'd be inclined to donate just to show support for the woman and allow her some hope. I think it's easy to underestimate just how much each individual donation or message can mean to people in situations like this.

exexpat · 13/10/2019 11:03

It's not the Burzynski clinic, is it? Notorious for taking huge amounts of money from desperate people, posting 'success' stories on its website, and failing to mention that nearly all these people died shortly afterwards. That's one of the best known ones and has been mentioned in a lot of UK crowd-funding efforts and newspaper stories, but I am sure there are plenty of others seeing an easy way to exploit sick people.

I could never donate to a crowdfunder when I knew the money would end up in the hands of completely unscrupulous people and enable them to continue their exploitation of others. I would try to find some other way of supporting your sick friend.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 13/10/2019 11:14

Originally I would've given without a thought for someone I knew but recently there was a school Mum of a child in my son's year who said she had terminal cancer, showed hospital paper work from a clinic, had medical tubes for treatment (sorry can't remember e
What it's actually called) A Go Fund Me was set up for her, collection buckets in local businesses, gifts donated etc. for her to be able to make final memories for her children. Turns out it was all a lie and there was nothing wrong with her. The paperwork was fake and the tube thingy that she said was for treatment was just taped to her skin and we only saw the outside and not where she had taped it under her clothes, she'd shaved her hair as she'd said it had started falling out from treatment. Nobody had reason to doubt her. We only found out when she told one of the other Mum's she was in hospital, they went round her house to offer help with the kids and she was sat in her house. Everything was a complete lie!! From now on sadly, unless it is a very close friend, I won't donate

Original poster

Patnotpending · 13/10/2019 11:16

Responding to various questions:

The person who has requested my help is my niece. It's her best friend's mum who's sick. I've never met the best friend or the mother. They are looking for £40,000 and my niece has asked me to contribute a three-figure sum.

I've asked for more info on the treatment and the hospital but none has been forthcoming which makes me even more suspicious. My niece, who's struggling to stay afloat financially herself, has apparently given £1000. Where it's come from I don't know because she's a SAHM.

The 1 in 4 figures are from here in the UK based on NHS treatment.

OP posts:

Her0utdoors · 13/10/2019 11:17

£20 to your local hospice instead? This stuff does my nut in too.

lilabet2 · 13/10/2019 11:25

I agree with your DP- £20 is a kind gesture.

If you are considering giving a larger sum then obviously you do need to know exactly what the treatment is.

I think it might be unkind not to donate at all.

MulticolourMophead · 13/10/2019 11:25

Your update, with the lack of info and being asked for larger sums, is worrying. I also wouldn't donate without more information on what my money would be going to.

lilabet2 · 13/10/2019 11:27

Hangingwithmygnomies, surely that's incredibly unusual?

EleanorReally · 13/10/2019 11:29

i would ignore personally

EleanorReally · 13/10/2019 11:29

I think she is wrong to directly approach you op.
if you like you could tell her you have donated to a hospice or Cancer Research

notapizzaeater · 13/10/2019 11:29

I'd want to know more about the treatments they offer first (and I say that as my husband has stage 4 cancer)

SmashingBlouseYouHaveOn · 13/10/2019 11:32

Hangingwithmygnomies the woman is disgusting. You can report to the police for fraud if she was collecting money. But that situation is very rare. 99.9% of people are genuine.

SmashingBlouseYouHaveOn · 13/10/2019 11:35

It is cheeky to specify amount and I would tell niece that if I want to contribute I will choose the amount. For someone I had never met it probably wouldn't be a three figure sum anyway. But it's up to you if you want to donate anything at all.

Ar you sure it's £40,000? Because that seems quite cheap for treatment in the USA but perhaps they only need £40k more now.

Djimino · 13/10/2019 11:41

I still wouldn't donate but I would give money to a local charity that I know and trust.

There is an amazing hospice in my town and I prefer to give to them rather than any crowd funding type appeals.

I'm happy to say no when people ask for money for crowd funders.

GabsAlot · 13/10/2019 11:42

Hanging thats awful isnt it fraud? Im sure someone went to court for something similar

Its also sick and disgusting

Op i think your neice is cheeky asking for 3 figures from you-if you want to donate its up to you the amount

Hangingwithmygnomies · 13/10/2019 11:45

lilabet2 and SmashingBlouseYouHaveOn I would hope it's incredibly unusal. She is absolutely disgusting and I feel incredibly sorry for her children, they thought she was seriously ill and were devastated. Sadly though when you're deceived like that, it does make you think twice, which is hard for someone like me who likes to see the good in people. I believe it is in the hands of the police currently. I'm not sure on the legalities as it was another Mum who set the page up but the twisted woman accepted it without hesitation.

BitOfFun · 13/10/2019 11:51

Totally with you on this one. I have incurable breast cancer, and I've seen other women in support groups wasting their last weeks with financially crippling snake oil regimes. What can you say? Nowt, really, as you'd be pissing on the chips of somebody desperate for any glimmer of hope.

I utterly despise these charlatans, and I'd be raging if people were raising money for me to undergo this kind of last-ditch woo crap. Send me on holiday, by all means , but don't pollute that with quackery.

EleanorReally · 13/10/2019 11:52

BoF

BitOfFun · 13/10/2019 11:56

As for So what’s the harm with just giving £20?...

Well, you'd be encouraging parasitic fraudsters to continue to see terribly vulnerable people and their families as fair game.

Nope nope nopity nope.

BitOfFun · 13/10/2019 11:57

Ah, thanks, Eleanor..

littlejalapeno · 13/10/2019 11:59

Easy to be a skeptic and a cynic when you’re not staring death in the face isn’t it?

I would give my best friends mum 1k if I had it and she was in that situation so I don’t think that’s unusual. Time with a dying parent is more valuable than money.

Maybe she thinks you can afford three figures, if you can’t but wouldn’t miss £20 then why not see the good and the hope in this rather than be mistrustful? There are a lot of treatments that aren’t available on the NHS.

Good luck to her, I hope she gets as much time as she can. Cancer is a horrible way to go.

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