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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to contribute to a crowd-funding request?

102 replies

Patnotpending · 13/10/2019 10:43

I've been asked to contribute to a crowd-funder to send a woman to the US for treatment at an 'amazing' hospital run by a former surgeon who seems to specialise in treating people who have been given only a few months to live. The patient has a cancer that has a very poor prognosis. She has a 1 in 4 chance of surviving a year and a 6 in 100 chance of living for five years. Apparently the US hospital specialises in treatments not available on the NHS but it's not clear what they are.

I've known other people who have died while spending all their money on quack and alternative therapies after refusing what the NHS has to offer and I absolutely hate the charlatans involved. I would really rather give some money to a charity that supports women and children – vaccinations for children or the Addis Ababa Fistula Hospital, for example. My partner tells me I'm being unkind and I should give £20 and then forget about it. I really don't want a penny of my money going to some quack who preys on the vulnerable. AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/10/2019 16:28

Can anyone tell me whether, if a crowd-funding appeal fails to reach its target in a given time, the money goes back to those who've donated or not?

I don't believe so, no. AFAIK the status of the money is that of a gift, so once you've donated it's "theirs" to do as they wish with, even if that's got nothing to do with the alleged illness

Since this is your neice's friend's mum it would all be a bit third/fourth hand for me, and why would you give in this way in any case, when the hosting site will take a generous chunk of the money?

Add the fact you've been given no details whatsoever and it would all be a big "no" for me; if you want to support treatment you could always donate to a recognised charity instead

1forAll74 · 13/10/2019 16:30

I wouldn't give to any crowd funding thing, there are far too many of these things going on now. I donate money to a local hospice , and the local cats protection league ( cat person here). Also donate food to a homeless people's shelter.

Grumpymcgrumperson · 13/10/2019 16:33

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Original poster
Patnotpending · 13/10/2019 16:36

Thank you, Mephisto.

I've double-checked and it's not actually Crowdfunder. Will check the small print.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/10/2019 16:37

Interesting link to the site, Mephisto, and especially so as the T&Cs seem to raise more questions than they answer over the different funding models

Why do I get the feeling that it's "heads they win, tails you lose"? Hmm

redcarbluecar · 13/10/2019 16:38

Entirely up to you whether you donate and how much if so. I think you’re right to ask for more info, unless you’ve definitely decided you won’t give, in which case tell your niece this or ignore future requests.

Prepaymentfear · 13/10/2019 16:42

I wouldn't unless I knew them personally however I can see both sides of it. My aunty had incurable leukemia and her private insurance paid for treatment that bought hee time and meant she saw her son's finish their a levels. That time we were eternally grateful for.

However I'm often dubious how much of it is American clinics taken advantage of desperate people

bruffin · 13/10/2019 16:44

Can anyone tell me whether, if a crowd-funding appeal fails to reach its target in a given time, the money goes back to those who've donated or not?
I worked in the accounts dept of a charity
We had to split funds into restricted fund,/, unrestricted funds. Restricted funds were funds raised for a specific project and had to be spent on that project. We were heavily audited on these funds.
Whether this applies to gofundme pages or not i dont know.

Prepaymentfear · 13/10/2019 16:44

Also alfie Evans puts me off a lot too. There's mounting evidence that the parents have spent every last penny instead of doing what they said they would

EleanorReally · 13/10/2019 16:48

Good idea to provide some emotional support only to your neice

Loveislandaddict · 13/10/2019 16:51

I wouldn’t donate. It’s very sad, but you don’t know the person. Also, to specify a figure is cheeky.

MrsHardbroom · 13/10/2019 16:54

I'd say you are not BU at all. Awful situation but you don't actually know the person involved and while you can obviously empathise, there is no need to feel any guilt or obligation.

altiara · 13/10/2019 17:03

They’re not always scams. A child at my DCs school is in remission following treatment in Turkey. The family are still raising money I assume to pay off the huge loan they would’ve had to take out. The whole community has pulled together to fundraise.

EleanorReally · 13/10/2019 17:16

Scam or not it is a personal choice

VirtualHamster · 13/10/2019 17:16

They’re not always scams

I don't think anyone thinks they're all scams, but if there's no information provided about what the treatment involves then many will choose to err on the side of caution.

yourestandingonmyneck · 13/10/2019 17:29

Why is your niece asking you, specifically? Or is she asking everyone? And why has she specified a 3 figure sum?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/10/2019 17:37

if there's no information provided about what the treatment involves then many will choose to err on the side of caution

Sounds sensible to me. Nobody expects every last tiny detail since there's too much flung all over the net as it is, but surely the basics are needed for folk to make a decision

Even just the name of the clinic, so some research could be done ...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/10/2019 17:45

It seems the British Medical Journal have some concerns around this practice too:

www.independent.co.uk/news/health/crowdfunding-cancer-cure-pseudoscience-evidence-symptoms-alternative-medicine-homeopathy-bmj-a8535081.html

Original poster
Patnotpending · 13/10/2019 17:56

My niece has known her best friend since they were at school together and has known her BF's mum for much of that time. BF's mum has been ill for a couple of years now and my niece has been involved.

I don't see much of niece (I live 300 miles away) but we message each other every few weeks. She's mentioned her friend's situation a couple of times and I've been sympathetic, obviously. We exchanged messages earlier today and she mentioned her friend's mum again and then sent me a link to the crowdfunding site. No idea why today and not earlier. Perhaps because the fundraiser hasn't raised as much as hoped and she's trying to get it out there. She said something along the lines of 'A three-figure sum would really help.' Looking down the list of contributors, apart from several large early donations of £500 and £1000 and more, most of the donations in the last week or two have been £10-50. I presume all of those involved are trying to find more potential donors.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 13/10/2019 18:35

littlejalapeno

A few years a go there was the baby born in the USA when on holiday with no insurance, turns out that there was insurance but they raked in alot of cash.

they did have insurance it took a while to pay out.

there have been go fund me sites that have promised that you will be the first person to get x, y or z and they never appear.

What you are doing is advocating that people give in to emotional blackmail and that is just wrong.

yourestandingonmyneck · 13/10/2019 19:49

Does your niece view you as particularly wealthy?

Or is she just casually asking you to donate as she is getting the word out there and probably asking a lot of people.

Maybe you are overthinking it. Could you just donate £10 and say "I've donated what I can"?

Although, to answer your original question, no, you are not being unreasonable to not donate. You can't possibly donate to every cause there is and a) you don't know the woman and b) you don't agree with the premise of the treatment.

bluegreygreen · 13/10/2019 20:00

I can see why you might be concerned about the situation, and not keen to donate.

It may also be worth priming your niece to ask what they intend to do about travel insurance. Insurance to travel to US with late stage / poor prognosis cancer would be expensive. Not having that insurance could result in huge medical bills if she became ill (separately to the planned treatment).

Rachelover60 · 13/10/2019 20:38

Do some research on the American doctor, find out about him, he might be genuine.

I would give £20 and then forget about it.

57Varieties · 13/10/2019 20:41

Do some research on the American doctor, find out about him, he might be genuine

Why bother? It’s for someone the OP doesn’t even know. Sad as it is, it’s not going to make one shred of difference to the OP’s life whether he’s genuine or not.

57Varieties · 13/10/2019 20:47

What an unpleasant post, @Grumpymcgrumperson. The OP is under no obligation, moral or otherwise, to give money to a random stranger, whether it’s a fiver, 3 figure sum, or more. All giving to charity and good causes is a matter of personal conscience and belief, it’s not compulsory, people are actually allowed to decide whether something represents a good use of the money they work hard to earn. I would donate to a charity or someone I knew, but one random person out of the many random people who are presumably in a similar sad position - no.

And as for the “it’s unkind” virtue signallers as well 🙄

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