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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Future MIL not congratulating engagement

58 replies

ChanandlerBongIsHere · 12/10/2019 22:24

DP and I recently announced our engagement and (future) MIL has said nothing to me. Not a word. His sister commented on my post about how excited she was for me to be ‘properly’ joining the family after so long, but I’ve had nothing from MIL. No text, no message, no comment, not even a bloody 'like’. FWIW, she uses Facebook/messenger/WhatsApp all the time, and it's how her, dp and future SIL all keep in touch and contact one another, so it's not like she's adverse to commenting, liking and/or sharing things via social media. She's online almost all day long and has my phone number too if that makes any difference..

DP and I have been together a long time and have DC’s together. I’ve stuck by her son through a lot of things over the years, have given her wonderful grandchildren (who she never bothers to see, presumably because she has an issue with me? I don’t know anymore!) and I just don’t know what I’ve done wrong to be treated like this. Is it really so hard to say congratulations to your future daughter in law on her engagement to your son?

I’m wracking my brains trying to think of anything I might’ve done or said to make her disapprove of our choice to get married, but I honesty can’t think of a single thing. I’m always pleasant and kind when we see her, take an interest in her life and the things she’s been up to, I’m never rude. I just don’t get it.

So I guess my ‘AIBU’ is: am I being unreasonable to wonder whether this is the norm? Or am I overthinking everything?

Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
TeuchterTraveller · 12/10/2019 22:26

How did you announce your engagement? Did you tell MIL in person before sharing on social media?

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2019 22:28

Honestly I can't even remember if my mil congratulated us, it was that irrelevant to me.

Seriously don't live your life looking for endorsement from others. Who gives a shit.

Original poster
ChanandlerBongIsHere · 12/10/2019 22:30

DP messaged her and told her about it (the two of them pretty much only communicate via message, I virtually never see either one of them phoning the other), he didn't pass on any congratulations from her.

She's the type to comment on every single thing that DP and his sister post, and I mean, every single thing. But she hasn't even liked or commented on DP's engagement announcement either. I know that sounds ridiculous, but given she's a prolific Facebook user, her actively not commenting on mine and his announcement massively stands out like a sore thumb.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/10/2019 22:31

So she may have congranulated him? He may just not have told you.

mummmy2017 · 12/10/2019 22:34

Woops my child got engaged and I didn't congratulate her, nothing on Facebook, or insta.
And I never said anything to him either, good job my pair know how happy I am for them

Ohyesiam · 12/10/2019 22:34

She’s just not that into you.

Northernlurker · 12/10/2019 22:34

She's not really involved in your lives. Why would she turn in to Disney mil just because you decide to get married after years and years. It's really not that exciting news in those circumstances.

Nanny0gg · 12/10/2019 22:34

Well as it all sounds like a very weird relationship, are you really surprised?

Pagwatch · 12/10/2019 22:34

I can’t really see how you can be pissed off at her not commenting on a Facebook post

If my son told me he was engaged via Facebook I’d spend a lot of time wondering how it had all got so shit

Burpsandrustles · 12/10/2019 22:36

Op watch middle episode 3 of Catherine the Great. Says it all. (now tv)

SallyWD · 12/10/2019 22:36

Looking back I can't remember my MIL congratulating us - but I didn't think anything of it. I knew we got on well and she liked me. I don't remember my parents doing it either despite the fact they adore my DH. Perhaps it's one of those things that go without saying for some people?

Pandaintheporridge · 12/10/2019 22:37

Traditionally isn't it rude to congratulate the woman?
Though I suspect that's not the reason here!

Alittleodd · 12/10/2019 22:39

My MIL didn't say hello to me on my wedding day. I was the one in the big white dress. Marrying her son. It was quite hard to miss me.

We're friends now though so water under the bridge I guess.

Ignore it and move on. Life's too short.

Greenleaveslaughing · 12/10/2019 22:42

If you’ve been together for years and have children, perhaps she just thinks it’s about time, and is an engagement necessary ?
Just get married 😂😂

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 12/10/2019 22:42

When my first DH and I told his parents we were getting engaged his Mam tutted and looked away in disgust and his dad said "it's not what we want for you son" ...

rededucator · 12/10/2019 22:43

I'd assume it was not calling them or visiting them personal to tell them that would be upsetting. Did the FIL congratulate you?

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2019 22:45

It's always face book drama isn't it. 😂

Original poster
ChanandlerBongIsHere · 12/10/2019 22:46

No I totally get how bizarre it sounds that I'm focusing on the Facebook thing. But MIL is the sort to comment on every photo SIL posts. If DP wrote a status saying about how he'd had pizza for lunch, MIL would find a way to comment about it. She share posts from all different news website and articles countless times a day. I'm trying to build the picture here that her not commenting on our posts is strange.

She's definitely not mad that she found out about it via a message from DP. As I said, that's just how they communicate. They're not the 'drop in for a catch up' kind of mother and son, and they never ring each other. Don't get me wrong, they have a good relationship, it's just when there's news or they want to chat, it's done through messaging.

FIL isn't in the picture.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChanandlerBongIsHere · 12/10/2019 22:49

If it makes any difference, when SIL got engaged and then married, it was all over her Facebook. SIL was also with her (then) DP for years with DC's before engagement and marriage..

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 12/10/2019 22:50

An engagement when you've been together forever and have kids might seem a bit odd to her. Plus, as a PP said congratulating the proposee (is that a word?) goes against the rules.

I'd be more concerned that she doesn't see the kids. Like never or not that often?

CalmFizz · 12/10/2019 22:50

I think if you felt it was important and you wanted a significant mil reaction, you should have treated her like a significant family member. I’d expect to inform my parents/partners parents face to face (or over the phone if distance was an issue) before anything went on social media.

foodname · 12/10/2019 22:51

Sorry but that's weird, you not her, you're expecting a Fb message when you didn't even announce? You should have gone round together to announce or FaceTimed.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 12/10/2019 22:52

You're comparing yourself a lot to SIL but presumably that's her daughter?

Chocness · 12/10/2019 22:53

Mine was the same about the birth of our children, our engagement and our wedding. I think some people just can’t bear to be happy for other people’s good news. More fool them.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/10/2019 22:54

I agree that it doesn’t matter how they regularly communicate, good news needs to be shared via a call. I bet that’s the way your future sil did it.

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