Future MIL not congratulating engagement

[ChanandlerBongIsHere]

DP and I recently announced our engagement and (future) MIL has said nothing to me. Not a word. His sister commented on my post about how excited she was for me to be ‘properly’ joining the family after so long, but I’ve had nothing from MIL. No text, no message, no comment, not even a bloody 'like’. FWIW, she uses Facebook/messenger/WhatsApp all the time, and it's how her, dp and future SIL all keep in touch and contact one another, so it's not like she's adverse to commenting, liking and/or sharing things via social media. She's online almost all day long and has my phone number too if that makes any difference..

DP and I have been together a long time and have DC’s together. I’ve stuck by her son through a lot of things over the years, have given her wonderful grandchildren (who she never bothers to see, presumably because she has an issue with me? I don’t know anymore!) and I just don’t know what I’ve done wrong to be treated like this. Is it really so hard to say congratulations to your future daughter in law on her engagement to your son?

I’m wracking my brains trying to think of anything I might’ve done or said to make her disapprove of our choice to get married, but I honesty can’t think of a single thing. I’m always pleasant and kind when we see her, take an interest in her life and the things she’s been up to, I’m never rude. I just don’t get it.

So I guess my ‘AIBU’ is: am I being unreasonable to wonder whether this is the norm? Or am I overthinking everything?

Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes, what calmfizz said.

If you wanted her to respond, and the manner of her response was important, then you don’t just stick it on Facebook

You treated her like just anyone on your Facebook - and that’s weird to me but fine in the context of your relationship - docwhh do you care that she didn’t react.
It’s like you’ve set her up a bit iyswim.

She doesn't see our DC's no, not unless it's at family gatherings. We've tried inviting her over, but she never comes. We've tried seeing if she'd like to come on family days out, but again we're turned down.
When I was pregnant with DC3, she didn't speak to me throughout the entire pregnancy either. I got no congrats then, no 'how are you getting on?'.

After years together and several children, she maybe feels it's not really news. Some people really are that miserable OP.

Congratulations

But dp contacted her regarding the engagement, it was his place to tell his mother. I personally would have found it odd if I'd contacted my family, then DP rang them to tell them the exact same news.
I can wholeheartedly say she isn't pissed that the news was broken via message. I know her and know it's nothing to do with that.

I can only assume she has an issue with me and is therefore withholding a congrats.

@ChanandlerBongIsHere well you clearly have a dysfunctional abnormal relationship, she doesn't see her own grandchildren but you're surprised she hasn't congratulated you? Either you address the matter as a whole or accept this is the way it is, I think this is a small issue in the scheme of things.

When i got engaged to my first husband my future father in law said to him "poor little buggar, being married to you." how right he was i should have listened

Sounds like she doesn’t care at best or is it happy with the news at worst.

Why does this bother you? Why do you care how she feels about it?

Personally, I would have stopped giving a shit about her reactions when she was dismissive about my babies.

You cannot change how people behave but you can change how you react to them.

It would not have occurred to me to make anything at all about the engagement of a couple who have been together so long and have 3 children. Their actual wedding of course. But not the engagement.

And if you wanted her to congratulate you personally you should have spoken to her personally or at least messaged her yourself.

Your SiL to be is her daughter so that relationship is bound to be different.

I am sorry you are disappointed though.

My MIL said "let's just wait and see if it lasts".

WTF. 20+ years later and we're still together 🙄 I bet she's still waiting though.

Seriously, let it go. It's sounds duff. Concentrate on the good wishes and the rest of your friends and family.

Congratulations 👏🏻

Yes, pretty crap. My MIL suggested to my (now) DH that I had mental health problems (I don't) when we got engaged... so maybe silence is golden.

It's her, not you. Walk away.

It all sounds exhausting.

My ex MIL made it extremely clear to me how dissapointed she was by our engagement. She was a total bitch to me throughout all the time I knew her. Her attitude & ex way of (not) dealing with it was a contributing factor in our divorce.

She sounds like she does have a problem-why does she not see her grandchildren doesnt it upset your dp?

My DHs Mum gave me a quick hug and congrats (we'd been living together 7years). Eloped another 11 years later. Got a Tony bottle of fizz.

She was more excited when we got the dog

I guess I'm just struggling as when I think to the future and my DC's get engaged, I already know that I'll contact their partners and send them my well wishes and congratulations, regardless of whether I've already spoken to my own children and if they've been with their OH's for a long time and even already have DC's.
It's just the nice thing to do. I mean, it really only takes two seconds to say 'congratulations, lovely news, all the best' or something to that effect.

My MIL replied to our engagement news with “Oh no!”

Only see her when I have to, these days

I know that her lack of interest in our DC's does get my DP down, but he won't openly come out and admit that. MIL makes more effort with his sisters kids than she does ours, which I've read can happen, but it's still pretty shitty for both DP and me.
We have tried making an effort with her, but when it wasn't reciprocated, we stopped. She'll see the DC's at Christmas, and if SIL invites us to hers, we'll end up seeing MIL while we're there, but that's about it.

Another thing I can't wrap my head around - being an uninterested grandparent. I could never imagine not wanting to be involved in my future grandkids lives. I just hope she isn't purposely distancing herself from our DC's because of me. That's what I worry about.

OP just being honest here. Seems that for some reason, however small maybe, she just doesn't like you and this is why she's not had a lot to do with her grand-children, your children. So you can either carry on as you are, forever wondering why, or have it out with her and clear the air with her. God luck whatever you decide.

DP and I have been together a long time and have DC’s together.

That is the reason.

I think your future MIL is insecure and jealous of you somehow. It must be difficult for you as her behaviour is definitely odd. However, I think you need to manage your expectations. You can't change HER. You can only change your outlook. Focus on building up the good relationships you do have with family and friends.

I think it would just be nice for DP's mum to be as openly happy about our news, as my family are. I know I shouldn't compare, but it is hard not to when my side have contacted both of us and sent lovely messages and comments, meanwhile I'm sitting here wondering how on earth mil feels about it all!

Oh well. You're right in that all i can do is change my outlook. I'll just focus on those who have expressed how happy they are for us, and have told me that they can't wait to celebrate together.

I shouldn't be letting her lack of interest spoil my moment!

Maybe if FIL is no longer in the picture she feels a bit "put out" as thinking back to her own marriage and it not working out? Maybe shes old fashioned and thinks you have done it "the wrong way round" so to speak? Babes first /marriage later .Either way dont let it bother you and enjoy your engagement !

Congratulations OP!

It sounds like this is a pattern of behaviour. Could your DP have a word (about this, the grandkids, everything?)

If not I would just accept it and enjoy not having to spend time with her. And plan a great wedding for all your loved ones who do care.

Sounds like this isn’t an ‘out of the blue’ situation. You’ve mentioned she doesn’t see your DCs due to possible issues between the two of you. I guess you must have some sort of idea why she is ignoring your announcement. Not excusing her behaviour btw, but surely there is some backstory to this?