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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering keeping DS off school and say he's sick when he's not?

69 replies

Tornwhatshouldidohelp · 12/10/2019 16:45

Background is he's in primary school, autistic, dyspraxic and not very co-ordinated. He can't run properly, can't catch a ball, that sort of thing.

His school introduced a 'winter indoor sports day' a couple of years ago as a way to combat the obesity crisis. They have a summer sports day as well, which DS was actually ill on this year so didn't have to go to. They don't do any learning on the day and instead do indoor sports, indoor running races, egg and spoon races, kiddy basketball games and stuff like that. They also have to wear their PE kits and a coloured bib for their house. The coloured bib is a massive sensory issue for DS and he dreads wearing it.

He hates sports in general, is embarassed at his lack of ability, was laughed at last winter sports day for running weirdly, gets complained at for letting the team down in basketball because they have a rule that everyone has to have had the ball before anyone can score- very competitive school- and DS just loses it. He comes home feeling like a massive failure every time there's a sodding sports day. It's next week (not even winter??) and he's already begging me to let him stay off. I have that day off anyway as I'm working from home, WIBU to just let him have a day at home watching the telly as he won't be missing any education anyway? I'd have to say he's ill as I don't want to get fined or get a massive lecture about why it's important that he goes in.

OP posts:
Twickerhun · 12/10/2019 16:47

I’d let him have a day at home.

Butchyrestingface · 12/10/2019 16:47

I have mild CP and well do I remember the hell of school sports day and sporting activities. I’d keep him off. Smile

Flywheel · 12/10/2019 16:49

That sounds miserable for him. I would keep him home

Anewchapter19 · 12/10/2019 16:50

I’d keep him at home

LoyaltyBonus · 12/10/2019 16:50

Let him stay home but tell the school why. Don't ask him to lie.

misskatamari · 12/10/2019 16:53

i'd keep him home too

Venger · 12/10/2019 16:53

I'd keep him off but tell school the reason so they're aware for future events like this, not forcing participation in stressful events should be covered by their SN policy - the child should always have an 'out' available at whatever point they feel they need it.

IncrediblySadToo · 12/10/2019 16:54

@Tornwhatshouldidohelp

Your DS is looking a little off colour - poor sausage. I imagine he can struggle through a couple of days at school, but then will need a recovery day...or two

Poor kid - life is shit sometimes. The kids being horrible need telling to stop being such horrible brats

Vgbeat · 12/10/2019 16:55

Have you spoken to the school though to see if there is any help, alternatives. My daughter's school have a number of children with both physical as well as other disabilities / conditions and are really good at including everyone. They may not realise the issues.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 12/10/2019 16:55

The school are failing him here (and there will be others too) a sports day isn’t the only way to tackle obesity. There’s loads they can do without making all the DC compete against each other to keep them active. I’d approach the school about their plans for active session that allow all children to participate.

IncrediblySadToo · 12/10/2019 16:55

Actually I’d tell them why too - but I know not everyone can do that or face the hassle. 🌷

Itallt0omuch · 12/10/2019 16:59

I'd tell the school why, but yes I'd keep him off. They're not making any reasonable adjustments for his disabilities.

Blueshadow · 12/10/2019 17:02

Keep home off. Some parents do this every year if their child hates sports day for whatever reason. It’s not unusual.

ChickenGoujonDestroyer · 12/10/2019 17:04

I'd keep him off but I would say its because he gets bullied on sports day which no one did anything about in summer, he cant wear the bibs and they are not reasonably helping him to adjust within his disabilities I.e let him come to school and do something else for the day. or if you cant be arsed with that then just call him in sick.

EvenPhilip · 12/10/2019 17:05

If definitely keep him off, don't know whether I'd inform the school of the real reason, but only you will know if they are likely to take notice of not?
I'd be surprised if someone doesn't come along and start mentioning teaching resilience etc, but one person's resilience is another's nervous breakdown and sports day ain't worth it.

HaileySherman · 12/10/2019 17:16

Of course yanbu. He's your child. You know what's best for him. YOU raise him, YOU make decisions in his best interest, YOU know what is best for him. School plays a huge and important role, but it should be a supporting role to the one parents play. You shouldn't hesitate to do what you think is best. I think the school should only ever take precedence over a parent if the parents aren't up to the job, in that case the school should be the fail safe.

reluctantbrit · 12/10/2019 17:23

What a mess. DD’s primary school had a SEN section with three classes. All children normally participated in sports day and some definitely had illnesses making it difficult to play the games in the way all other children did.

But, the school would tell everyone off for even thinking of making fun or complaining about the SEN children, they participated as best as they could and more than once the other children helped out and lost points as they gave up a lead to do so.

Your school sounds horrible, I would definitely say that the stress would be too much for him and he will stay at home until they are able to accommodate his needs in PE.

ImNotYourGranny · 12/10/2019 17:24

I didn't even get past your first sentence, I just saw 'autistic' and immediately thought YANBU. My DD is autistic and sports days were torture for her so she was always 'sick' those days. PE was bad enough but sports day with everyone watching you? No, never going to happen for her.

Soontobe60 · 12/10/2019 17:25

Senco here. YABU and my advice to you is to speak to the Senco at school and ask for alternative arrangements to be put into place for his during the day. He could be a score keeper, in charge of equipment, a messenger, photographer, all sorts of creative ways to be involved without the actual participating in events.
I always have a team of such children as your DS at these types of events and in order to be inclusive, ensure staff make reasonable adjustments to support all children.
Keeping him off school isn't the answer as it will teach him that avoiding anything challenging is fine. He needs support in building resilience particularly as he has dyspraxia.
My friend has a DS with severe dyspraxia who sounds a lot like your DS. In primary school she was his champion, fighting to ensure he was included in everything possible even though he would probably have preferred to hide and not participate, and was probably a PITA for some teachers! He's now 18, is a confident, active Youth Councillor who used to be scared of his own shadow.

pinksquash13 · 12/10/2019 17:26

I'm sympathetic! I think the school should find something else for him to wear if he finds the house colour top difficult! Ultimately I voted YABU as if there was a maths day people wouldn't encourage children to stay off school because they aren't very good at it. I think it sends the wrong message about exercise and PE. It also creates a cycle where he won't improve because he won't participate. Therefore it becomes self fulfilling. I do feel for him though!

MyDcAreMarvel · 12/10/2019 17:26

No LEA can fine for a day. Just tell the truth.

hazell42 · 12/10/2019 17:27

Keep him.off. He doesn't need the trauma. And I'm guessing you don't either
I wouldn't think twice about it

hopityhopity · 12/10/2019 17:28

YANBU.
It'll cause unnecessary distress.
Although shocked the school don't have any accommodations.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/10/2019 17:28

”I'd keep him off but tell school the reason so they're aware for future events like this, not forcing participation in stressful events should be covered by their SN policy - the child should always have an 'out' available at whatever point they feel they need it.”

@Venger’s post is very sensible. I think I would contact the school and tell them what you have told us here, @Tornwhatshouldidohelp, and ask them what they would do, to make reasonable adjustments for your son - for example, how would he feel about being an official score keeper for the day, or assisting one of the teachers who is keeping the scores? I would also be saying that your son is so stressed and unhappy about this sports day that, if you and he are not comfortable with how they propose to deal with it, you will be keeping him at home.

june2007 · 12/10/2019 17:29

No I would not keep off. And IO wouldn't say there not learning they are learning. How to win or how to loose. (both very important. ) How to have pride in the best they can do, how to have pride in others.. Talk to school he may be let of certain activities or not have to wear a bib. (perhaps a one of those simple slings would be ok? Or a tshirt of the correct colour? The school should accommodate him. But by letting him off its like your saying if its hard don,t bother. Rather then do your best, hold your head up high and be proud of who you are even if your last. (I too am dyspraxic and was always pleased when I wasn't last as I usually was.).