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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be considering keeping DS off school and say he's sick when he's not?

69 replies

Tornwhatshouldidohelp · 12/10/2019 16:45

Background is he's in primary school, autistic, dyspraxic and not very co-ordinated. He can't run properly, can't catch a ball, that sort of thing.

His school introduced a 'winter indoor sports day' a couple of years ago as a way to combat the obesity crisis. They have a summer sports day as well, which DS was actually ill on this year so didn't have to go to. They don't do any learning on the day and instead do indoor sports, indoor running races, egg and spoon races, kiddy basketball games and stuff like that. They also have to wear their PE kits and a coloured bib for their house. The coloured bib is a massive sensory issue for DS and he dreads wearing it.

He hates sports in general, is embarassed at his lack of ability, was laughed at last winter sports day for running weirdly, gets complained at for letting the team down in basketball because they have a rule that everyone has to have had the ball before anyone can score- very competitive school- and DS just loses it. He comes home feeling like a massive failure every time there's a sodding sports day. It's next week (not even winter??) and he's already begging me to let him stay off. I have that day off anyway as I'm working from home, WIBU to just let him have a day at home watching the telly as he won't be missing any education anyway? I'd have to say he's ill as I don't want to get fined or get a massive lecture about why it's important that he goes in.

OP posts:

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 12/10/2019 18:51

Thing is, since there is no instruction, teaching and limited interaction at a Sports day (my experience as an ASD girl was either (1) terrible athlete or (2) misanthropic cheerleader) there is literally no point in going in.

In contrast, I wouldn't have bunked say, Eng. Lit. I found it a mega snorefest but it did fulfil the basic premises of what lessons are supposed to be.

Oh, and to anyone who trots out that trope of 'the last child always gets the biggest cheers' - as that child having that against all objective evidence my main thoughts were Kill. Me. Now.

Ellie56 · 12/10/2019 18:52

OP are you sure this is the right school for him? It sounds crap.

RolytheRhino · 12/10/2019 18:53

I don’t think you can assume all children start from the same baseline re anxiety, or that they have established coping strategies or indeed that they should have to struggle every single day because “you don’t get to sit them out”

As someone who suffers with anxiety and is on the spectrum, believe me, I know. School was hell for me, but I got through it without taking a day for anything other than genuine sickness and believe it stood me in good stead for my adult life (I have a very highly pressured job which I love, but wouldn't be able to do if I allowed myself an opt-out every time it got really tough). So my advice remains the same.

ShinyGiratina · 12/10/2019 18:54

YANBU. That is a lot of triggers for him to deal with. Children with these kinds of difficulties have to use a lot of resliance just to get through a day at school. I have a very sensory, dyspraxic child and some days I can just see by the way he comes through the doors and approaches me that all resiliance is drained empty for the next hour, and he needs to get home ASAP, get into a quiet safe space, be fed and watered and left quietly alone.

It's worth raising the issues and seeing if school are amenable to involving him in an alternative way if that's feasible. Or it may just be the disruption of routines and noise of the event is too overwhelming.

Being competitive is not the be all and end all of being active. To some people it's highly demoralising and disincentivising. I loathed the team/ competitive side of school sports. I was taunted for my ineptitude and left out where possible. The PE teachers took years to believe I was genuinely that awful. I've discovered running in adulthood where it's the participation that counts, not performance. Many people are turned off for life by that kind of experience.

For obesity, the daily mile is a far more useful initiative. I don't object to sports days, but there does need to be some sensitivity involved. Dyspraxic children won't just struggle with sport, it can affect them across the curriculum; memory, rote learning (e.g. times tables, patterns such as months), hand writing and make school life a major struggle aside from the ASD related difficulties.

jellycatspyjamas · 12/10/2019 18:54

I do think the teasing is a separate issue, and I’d tackle that with the school in terms of where else he might be having a hard time, but I’d give him the day off for sports day because nothing is going to be fixed in the space of a week.

nocoolnamesleft · 12/10/2019 18:55

They don't appear to be making reasonable and appropriate adjustments to meet your DS's needs.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 12/10/2019 18:56

I did go to all Sports Days and sometimes participated but by then I was good at 'zoneing out' when I didn't have to do anything.

It would have been good if I could have ducked out of it. I never asked because my parents would've just given a flat 'no'.

But my boys do have a parental get out card from me. I think it'll help them with PE the rest of the year as there is no expectation of them having to perform in public.

ChristmasFluff · 12/10/2019 19:09

I did it (son with dyspraxia).

Phoned him in sick, took him to a local adventure playground. Told him it was fine as it was a mental health day. The truth.

Gileadisreal · 12/10/2019 19:19

Keep him off, no question. These events make my skin crawl for kids like him. How is that inclusive? It's horrible.

81Byerley · 12/10/2019 19:29

As someone who felt ill at the thought of sports day as a child, I really feel for your son. He's lucky to have you as a Mum. I agree with @Tornwhatshouldidohelp

noblegiraffe · 12/10/2019 19:36

I would definitely contact the school and tell them that something needs to change. Could your DS be put in charge of the finish line/timing/helping refereeing/getting equipment?

Passthewipes · 12/10/2019 21:26

YANBU I completely understand ...but I agree with others comments.
My DD is autistic and rather clumsy and hates PE days. I'd say keep him home, and see why you would want to, I have considered keeping my DD home when she got so stressed about PE....but thinking of the bigger picture and his future, would it not be better to find a resolution, as this day will come round every year, and he may then expect to get the day off in the future. Could you arrange a meeting with the school and find him an alternative role for the day. For example if he is good at numbers could he keep scores? Could he help set up equipment and help with drinks or something? We all have to do things we don't like sometimes, and for him finding ways to cope with these things is important to help him get through life. Unfortunately you won't always be there, and he needs to learn the skills to cope for when you are not there to take him away from it, or fight his corner. Good luck xx

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 13/10/2019 08:51

Thing is, the things I don't like don't tend to have the element of humiliation before my peer group. Yes, things like jobseeking and other things in adult life you can't duck out of suck but there is rather more agency and control then at school, where you have limited control of whom you spend time with.

Lowlandlucky · 13/10/2019 09:50

Keep him off and spend the day doing something he loves

sashh · 13/10/2019 09:57

Tell the school they are failing in their duty to make reasonable arrangements so you will be educating him at home that day.

And any subsequent sports days. They can make it official or they can suck up their attendance.

DobbinsVeil · 13/10/2019 10:07

Sometimes it doesn't matter how many adjustments, one of my DC with ASD just cannot cope with certain things. The only way he'd be able to participate would be in a room by himself. So I'd not send him and I'd probably ring him in sick. Because telling the truth, would just result in the school taking it as a criticism.

Having a huge meltdown at a whole school event isn't going to do him any favours.

Kpo58 · 13/10/2019 10:09

Definitely keep him off for sports day (as long as he doesn't get to take PE lessons off).

If you pulled a child up on stage in full school assembly and humiliated then, we could all agree that it's wrong, but why do some people feel that effectively doing exactly the same thing during sports day is ok?

SimonJT · 13/10/2019 10:12

I would keep him oft and tell them why.

I picked my son up early on Friday, he was supposed to sit through a two hour play (he’s four!) with no induction loop so he wouldn’t be able to hear anything. I collected him and explained to his teacher that no four year old should be made to sit through a two hour play that everyone else can hear and he can’t.

IsobelRae23 · 13/10/2019 12:49

Keep him home. Show you support him and understand his anxiety, and don’t put him into the situation and make him feel worse.
Have you considered an activity like gymnastics? That can help his coordination, I know a lot of boys that love the sport, some compete, others just do it for fun and to build their coordination.

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