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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be considering keeping DS off school and say he's sick when he's not?

69 replies

Tornwhatshouldidohelp · 12/10/2019 16:45

Background is he's in primary school, autistic, dyspraxic and not very co-ordinated. He can't run properly, can't catch a ball, that sort of thing.

His school introduced a 'winter indoor sports day' a couple of years ago as a way to combat the obesity crisis. They have a summer sports day as well, which DS was actually ill on this year so didn't have to go to. They don't do any learning on the day and instead do indoor sports, indoor running races, egg and spoon races, kiddy basketball games and stuff like that. They also have to wear their PE kits and a coloured bib for their house. The coloured bib is a massive sensory issue for DS and he dreads wearing it.

He hates sports in general, is embarassed at his lack of ability, was laughed at last winter sports day for running weirdly, gets complained at for letting the team down in basketball because they have a rule that everyone has to have had the ball before anyone can score- very competitive school- and DS just loses it. He comes home feeling like a massive failure every time there's a sodding sports day. It's next week (not even winter??) and he's already begging me to let him stay off. I have that day off anyway as I'm working from home, WIBU to just let him have a day at home watching the telly as he won't be missing any education anyway? I'd have to say he's ill as I don't want to get fined or get a massive lecture about why it's important that he goes in.

OP posts:

SoundsAboutRight · 12/10/2019 17:30

Don't say he is sick. Make a stand and have a discussion. They may genuinely not be aware that it is such a big problem and may be able to make steps to help or arrange alternatives or at least keep an eye out for any possible bullying. If you keep him off this time, what do you do the next time? Are you planning on allowing him to be "sick" every time for the rest of his school life? No, now is the time to talk about it and get something done. Even if that is an agreement with the school that he doesn't come in that day.

8misskitty8 · 12/10/2019 17:34

Let him stay at home.
He should have a plan Made tailored to his additional needs to help him access his education. Making him take part in this sounds like there is no plan or it is being ignored.
You should arrange a meeting with the school headteacher and learning support at the school to discuss it.

Having a day to combat the obesity crisis is laughable though. Hardly think 1 day will magically make everyone slim.

Beveren · 12/10/2019 17:43

@june2007, an autistic child for whose disability essential reasonable adjustments are not being made and who will spend the day being bullied and mocked will learn precisely none of the things that you suggest.

GADA9215 · 12/10/2019 17:44

I have a son with autism and I absolutely dread sports day. Now thankfully DS wouldn’t care if he come first or last, he just refuses to take part. He struggles with anything out of the unordinary at school and sports day is this. He hates all the parents there watching. For the first 4 years of school I sent him in then the teacher made the decision to let us go home early with him as he couldn’t cope (generally he is well behaved at school). No advice but I feel your pain. I used to dread sports day at school cos I was terrible at all.

Keep him off.

Wheat2Harvest · 12/10/2019 17:47

As long as he isn't likely to tell his teacher that 'DM kept me off school because I didn't want to go to the sports and I wasn't really ill'!

Frazzledbutcalm · 12/10/2019 17:48

Keep him off and tell the school why.

I only started doing this in the latter years for dd ... I WISH I’d done it sooner.

Agree with bev ... an autistic child does not necessarily learn the things june says.

I eventually learned not to care what school thought ... I looked after my dd’s needs ... something they never did.

itsstillgood · 12/10/2019 18:03

Speak to them now, explain his worries and the events of last year. Give them the chance to make those reasonable adjustments and offer him the reassurance that they should be doing without being told. If they don't or he's still upset then don't send him and tell them why.

Topseyt · 12/10/2019 18:08

Another vote for keeping him off and telling the school why.

I don't have your DS's issues, but am not particularly coordinated. I loathed school sports days as I had to display all of my weaknesses in public and always felt like the weakest link in the chain for any team I was supposed to be part of. I learned nothing from school sports days apart from lessons in utter misery and humiliation.

Oh, and WINTER sports day!! Is that becoming a thing now? Summer ones were/are bad enough. I would probably have bunked off school on that day if they had tried to introduce a winter one too. I wasn't a child given to doing that sort of thing, but there is only so much humiliation one person can take. Why double it up?

I hate this enforced competitiveness at some schools. It is fine for children who are naturally sporty and competitive, but for those who aren't it is hell, and like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Timeywimey10 · 12/10/2019 18:08

A Daily Mile would be a lot more useful in combating obesity.

But yes the school should be taking into account his SN and making adjustments.

In any event, SN or not, no school should allow bullying of any kind, but certainly not because of not being very good at sport. How will you ever get better if you are put off doing it? And participation is far more important in keeping the population fit. We don't all need to be the next KJT, but it is really good if you find a sport you like and exercise into adulthood.

Notthecarwashagain · 12/10/2019 18:20

I've kept DS off for the last few years, for the exact same reasons.

He faces and overcomes enough challenges getting through every single other day. Trying to fit in, not draw attention to himself. The complete over stimulation, with noises, crowds and unpredictability.

I know it's very common for children with asd to be kept off by parents on sports day. And I completely stand by theirs, yours and my decision to do so.

YANBU.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/10/2019 18:20

”@june2007, an autistic child for whose disability essential reasonable adjustments are not being made and who will spend the day being bullied and mocked will learn precisely none of the things that you suggest.”

I agree with this completely, @Beveren.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 12/10/2019 18:21

Never, ever say you or any member of your family is ill when they are not. I have always thought it is tempting fate and of course it is lying.

Butchyrestingface · 12/10/2019 18:29

Never, ever say you or any member of your family is ill when they are not. I have always thought it is tempting fate and of course it is lying.

Not everyone is superstitious. As for the lying, well, that surely depends on whether you take a black-and-white approach that lying is always wrong.

BlueJava · 12/10/2019 18:30

I'd just keep him at home, it's not like he's missing lessons.

skodadoda · 12/10/2019 18:31

OP, please be brave and go and speak to the head of this school. They should be making adjustments for SN children and certainly tackling any bullying. Nothing will improve if no-one says anything and the school will carry on doing this.
If you get a negative response ask for their special needs policy and complain to the school governors.

jellycatspyjamas · 12/10/2019 18:34

Keeping him off school isn't the answer as it will teach him that avoiding anything challenging is fine. He needs support in building resilience particularly as he has dyspraxia

I think building resilience is all well and good - but for baby kids keeping their shit together day by day in school makes enough demands on their resilience. I’d give him the day off without a second thought and I’d happily tell the school why, I suspect my kids HT would fully accept my decision and look for ways to adjust things for future.

Every single thing in life being treated as a learning opportunity is hard going, sometimes yes kids need to be taught how to cope with difficulties but sometimes they really need to know it’s ok to pick their battles and to give themselves an “out” if they need it.

jellycatspyjamas · 12/10/2019 18:35

baby. many kids 🙄

Passthecherrycoke · 12/10/2019 18:36

I’d keep him off, but honestly have you considered he might be in the wrong school for him?

VondaVomin · 12/10/2019 18:38

All those suggesting OP should contact the school are assuming that the school will immediately say "oh you're right of course" and put something in place for him. Very unlikely IM (extensive) E as parent of an ASD DC. You are an inconvenience and are far more likely to be told someone will keep an eye on him to shut you up, then there will be no change at all on the day

Just keep him off sick OP, tell him you think he has a temperature.

RolytheRhino · 12/10/2019 18:39

I'm going to go against the grain and say no, he should go in. I don't think parents allowing kids to skip school when they don't like the activities on offer sets a good precedent. Life's full of things that are anxiety inducing, but you don't get to sit them out because of it. You should, however, expect that the school makes reasonable adaptations for him- no bib, for example, due to his autism.

Passthecherrycoke · 12/10/2019 18:42

I would agree with you Under normal circs rhino but what I didn’t like is that the other children would tease him. If you have a school with that sort of bullying behaviour and nothing’s being done I think you have to take action

deepbreath · 12/10/2019 18:47

YANBU. My ds has Dyspraxia and hypermobility, he's 17 now. We opted out of events like this, and he was so relieved that we listened to him. He went on to participate at a youth group sports day several years later, all because it was his choice then and nobody would laugh at him there.

jellycatspyjamas · 12/10/2019 18:48

Life's full of things that are anxiety inducing, but you don't get to sit them out because of it.

I think that’s fine advice for many parents and many children. For my DD with ASN however being at school daily provokes huge levels of anxiety, hanged in the school day and school routines provoke huge anxiety so things like sports day, all of the Christmas run up, all of the run up to Easter, and summer holidays cause huge anxiety which the school and I manage well between us. She misses very little school (attendance 96%) but every so often there will be a thing that I think is just too much and I’ll keep her home.

I don’t think you can assume all children start from the same baseline re anxiety, or that they have established coping strategies or indeed that they should have to struggle every single day because “you don’t get to sit them out”. My daughter works hard to mask her anxiety levels, if you didn’t know her well you’d never guess that she is literally keeping her shit together and the effort that takes. I know her and I know how much she can cope with and how much I’d expect her to cope with - a pointless sports day with multiple triggers isn’t on my “need to” list, she can sit it out if she wants to.

RolytheRhino · 12/10/2019 18:48

I see what you're saying, but if he's being teased that's a separate issue that again needs broaching with the school. I highly doubt they leave him alone the rest of the year and just tease him during sports day- kids tend to have their scapegoats and will go after them whatever they do. Teaching him that it's ok to drop out of something because idiots would rather he didn't do it is also, to me, a bad precedent to set.

Ellie56 · 12/10/2019 18:51

Yes I'd keep him off and say you are doing it to protect his mental health because they are behaving unlawfully by failing to make reasonable adjustments for his disability.

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