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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would this annoy you? (DH)

68 replies

NeedSomeSupport · 12/10/2019 16:00

Had arguments with DH last night which ended with him slamming the doors (so hard that I later found white bits on the floor and it took me a minute to realise what it was from) while telling me that I’m being nasty. I wasn’t being nasty actually but he can’t listen to me if he doesn’t agree with what I say. We had planned to go out for lunch with his DD today and then go to a play tonight in our village but with the arguments it was left that we weren’t really speaking.

Today I’ve been out all day helping for a bereavement charity for a cause important to me. I left the house this morning early so didn’t speak to him. At some point while I was out he called me and said he’d be nearby with his daughter and would come to say hi. I said ok (I was with other people and didn’t want to argue).

He came to say hello and said they’d be getting some lunch and said they’d have a coffee while they waited for me for lunch. I said it’s fine as I’ve eaten and I’d call when we were done to see what they’re up to etc. He came back again as we were finishing. I said we had to go sign out. He said he’d come with.

So then I ended up walking around the shops with him and his teenage DD looking at sports clothes for him. I didn’t talk about anything as his DD was there but thought maybe he’d realised he’d overreacted hence coming to meet me. I wouldn’t have called him. I think he owes me an apology but wasn’t going to say anything.

Anyway he started being a bit funny. He then mentioned the play tonight, which I hadn’t even thought about. I said don’t you want to go. He said no, not after last night. I said I’m surprised he came to get me and made me feel a little pressured into going out with them, walking around shops for him (while carrying stuff from the charity work) and then going for lunch with them at a place he knows I don’t even like the food and is now saying he wouldn’t go to the show I have tickets for because of last night.

He said I had an ulterior motive if I was only walking around the shops and having lunch with them because of tonight. I wasn’t and hadn’t thought of it. But I did find it odd he’d say he wouldn’t go, because of last night, after he’d preserved in getting me to join him in his plans...

I ended up leaving them to go to lunch as if already eaten, didn’t want what they were having and thought it a bit off he’d brought up last night as I’m upset about it but didn’t feel I could talk about it. He wouldn’t listen to me anyway as he never does.

Wouldn’t this bother you? It’s the seeking me out only to tell me he’s still annoyed! I’m annoyed too, I just didn’t say but why tell me that now when your DD is with us and you have my traipsing around the shops after you!

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSomeSupport · 12/10/2019 16:02

Sorry it’s long. I’m really upset. I was so upset last night but don’t feel I can talk to anyone about this stuff IRL. I then had my mind on other things with the charity stuff today. Then he came for me and that was nice in a way as I thought he was trying to make things better but I feel worse than if I hadn’t seen him as it’s like he wanted to see me to make a point that HE’s still upset!

So now I’m on the train home alone feeling like I want to cry.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 12/10/2019 16:04

It sounds like you need to talk to him without his DD being present, so that you can sort out last night's argument. Are you going to the play without him this evening?

Apileofballyhoo · 12/10/2019 16:06

Is this a usual thing? Being so angry he slams the doors hard enough to make bits come off them?

What was the argument about?

AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2019 16:07

Yeah sounds like he just used you to help entertain his dd. I would go to the plat yourself, maybe bring someone else or just go on your own, dont let him use it as a punishment, take back control

AppleOrchard · 12/10/2019 16:07

Sorry you're feeling down, be nice to yourself, love yourself and breathe.
Can you treat yourself to something nice from the train buffet?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2019 16:09

Is he always such a passive-aggressive arsehole?

DoctorAllcome · 12/10/2019 16:13

The “white bits” are just paint chips which my kids knock off the doors if they shut them too hard so it’s not a huge deal.

It sounds to me that you & DH had a pretty big fight and not only is he still upset, but so are you about it. I think him coming to see you was an olive branch but also interacting with you on neutral ground as his DD was there. But, you two need to get together alone to talk out that fight.

To answer you question...no what your DH did would not annoy me. I think you were annoyed because you were still upset from the fight.

AmIThough · 12/10/2019 16:29

To be honest I get the feeling that he was ready to let it all go but then you were acting a bit 'off' which he got irritated by, hence refusing to go tonight.

I'm not saying you should have acted like everything was fine. He needs to learn to control his temper. Slamming doors is pathetic.

Do you need to apologise to him for whatever the argument was about, or were you actually completely right? If you weren't in the wrong he need to apologise, and he knows it.

Cherrysoup · 12/10/2019 16:30

Why did he call then pester to meet you-twice-if he’s pissed off still? Purely to let you know he’s pissed off still? And now he’s told you he’s pissed off and won’t be going to the play with you yet made you go round the shops with him? Wtf?

Original poster
NeedSomeSupport · 12/10/2019 16:32

I’m not sure whether or not to go to the play alone.

Yes it’s not in usual for him to be so angry he slams the door, walks out, occasionally breaks or throws things, generally cannot / will not listen to me when he’s lost it. He cannot have a disagreement and discuss it without losing his temper.

Yes I realised after a few mins that this is what the white bits were. I wasn’t sure and couldn’t work it out as id hoovered you just before he got home and then realised it was from the doors. It is annoying as he shouldn’t get so angry and who had to hoover up again? It’s not the main issue obviously.

There’s no train buffet as it’s a local train. I’m back at the train station in my car now. Just thinking about whther to go straight home or go food shopping. Don’t really feel like doing anything but need to buy food.

Yes I was annoyed about the fight, as was he, but I’d rather he stayed away than made me feel like I had to walk around the shops with him and DD (after I’ve been on my feet since 9:30) and then tell me he couldn’t possibly go to the play with me because he was annoyed. I was annoyed but walked around the shops with him and would have gone for lunch if his mood hadn’t changed...

We are always arguing and we never manage to resolve anything as he won’t discuss anything. He won’t try to see my point of view, dismisses what I say and walks out or talks over me if he doesn’t like what I’m saying. It’s all part of a bigger issue and I have lots on my mind at the moment so thanks for reading and replying.

OP posts:
TipToeToothFairy · 12/10/2019 16:38

I've lived with someone who couldn't argue and would smash, throw, slam and overreact. I couldn't do it again, walking on eggshells isn't fun.

Sorry op

VenusTiger · 12/10/2019 16:40

You need to write to him if he won’t listen. And tell him that going to that extent says a lot about his attitude.
Email him.

HollowTalk · 12/10/2019 16:41

I couldn't live with someone who behaved like that. You have one life, OP. Do you really want to spend it with someone like that?

VenusTiger · 12/10/2019 16:41

Also, send it whilst you’re at the play, alone.
Write it alone, read over it several times and make sure you’re getting everything off your chest.

DoctorAllcome · 12/10/2019 16:44

We are always arguing and we never manage to resolve anything as he won’t discuss anything. He won’t try to see my point of view, dismisses what I say and walks out or talks over me if he doesn’t like what I’m saying.

That’s not good to live that way. I couldn’t put up with that myself. Either one of you is completely unreasonable or you are both stubborn and prefer to have your own different but reasonable way. Either way, this is not a good relationship. I’d be thinking about counselling to improve your communication and conflict resolution skills.

Bellringer · 12/10/2019 16:45

Unreasonable behaviour. Don't buy food, let him sort himself out. Gonto the play with a friend and stay out. Tell him you won't tolerate shouting and worse.

Anewchapter19 · 12/10/2019 16:45

He initiated contact
He invited you for lunch
He said he’s grab a coffee and wait for you
He came back at the end of your shift to wait for you

I mean OP - the man seems to be making an effort here

DoctorAllcome · 12/10/2019 16:45
  • your- refers to both of you!
Original poster
NeedSomeSupport · 12/10/2019 16:49

I mean OP - the man seems to be making an effort here

Yes that’s what I thought and that’s why i went but then it doesn’t seem right that I followed him around the shops etc when he then made clear he’s not prepared to go to the show I’ve got tickets for. I think that’s weird. I didn’t want to walk around the sports shops but did it for him. Why make the point he’s too angry to do anything for me?

It’s a small village show so not sure how I feel about going alone. Maybe I’ll ask someone.

Yes we have problems generally. He won’t go to counselling again I’m sure. We have been through a lot together so its understandable we are having a tough time but we have always had communication problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSomeSupport · 12/10/2019 16:52

I do often send him texts to say what I think as I really do often feel he won’t listen to me. He tells me I’m unreasonable or I’m wrong or that I’m repeating myself before I’ve even finished what I’m saying. He talks over me. He walks out of the room while I’m taking and then comes back in to continue what he’s saying. So after he’s walked off I often send a text saying what I wanted to say. He dismisses it still obviously and did same last night and this morning.

So I feel now like I should have just said no when he called me.

OP posts:
quincejamplease · 12/10/2019 16:54

I always open these threads thinking to myself, "I'm sure this one won't turn into yet another woman describing textbook coercive control once she starts adding updates..." but here we are.

Does he manage to control his "temper" around everyone else? Because what you've described sounds like manufactured rage intended to frighten you into submission.

This isn't a healthy relationship. These aren't arguments. This isn't how other people are living and this isn't what they mean when they say they had an argument.

Somebody who loved you and cared about you would not treat you this way. They would respect you and listen to you and would not seek to dominate you.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Anewchapter19 · 12/10/2019 16:56

But you changed plans as well
The plan had been that you and he and his DD were going to go out for lunch. But when they turned up... you said it was fine because you’d already eaten

quincejamplease · 12/10/2019 16:57

Why make the point he’s too angry to do anything for me?

To put you in your place. To make you feel worthless. To pressure you into submitting to him.

MRex · 12/10/2019 16:57

Yes it’s not in usual for him to be so angry he slams the door, walks out, occasionally breaks or throws things, generally cannot / will not listen to me when he’s lost it.

Slamming a door or two as a one-off is fine. Throwing and breaking things crosses a line and is dangerously out of control. Doing that more than once certainly has big red flags flashing.

We are always arguing and we never manage to resolve anything

This doesn't sound like the kind of relationship where you feel valued, supported and able to enjoy each other's good humour. It is not something you can address on your own, nor something you should even try to fix because the issue is that he doesn't love nor respect you enough to treat you with at least basic kindness. What reasons do you have not to leave him?

Mephisto · 12/10/2019 16:58

I would 100% go to that play. Don't let him win.