Would this annoy you? (DH)

[NeedSomeSupport]

Had arguments with DH last night which ended with him slamming the doors (so hard that I later found white bits on the floor and it took me a minute to realise what it was from) while telling me that I’m being nasty. I wasn’t being nasty actually but he can’t listen to me if he doesn’t agree with what I say. We had planned to go out for lunch with his DD today and then go to a play tonight in our village but with the arguments it was left that we weren’t really speaking.

Today I’ve been out all day helping for a bereavement charity for a cause important to me. I left the house this morning early so didn’t speak to him. At some point while I was out he called me and said he’d be nearby with his daughter and would come to say hi. I said ok (I was with other people and didn’t want to argue).

He came to say hello and said they’d be getting some lunch and said they’d have a coffee while they waited for me for lunch. I said it’s fine as I’ve eaten and I’d call when we were done to see what they’re up to etc. He came back again as we were finishing. I said we had to go sign out. He said he’d come with.

So then I ended up walking around the shops with him and his teenage DD looking at sports clothes for him. I didn’t talk about anything as his DD was there but thought maybe he’d realised he’d overreacted hence coming to meet me. I wouldn’t have called him. I think he owes me an apology but wasn’t going to say anything.

Anyway he started being a bit funny. He then mentioned the play tonight, which I hadn’t even thought about. I said don’t you want to go. He said no, not after last night. I said I’m surprised he came to get me and made me feel a little pressured into going out with them, walking around shops for him (while carrying stuff from the charity work) and then going for lunch with them at a place he knows I don’t even like the food and is now saying he wouldn’t go to the show I have tickets for because of last night.

He said I had an ulterior motive if I was only walking around the shops and having lunch with them because of tonight. I wasn’t and hadn’t thought of it. But I did find it odd he’d say he wouldn’t go, because of last night, after he’d preserved in getting me to join him in his plans...

I ended up leaving them to go to lunch as if already eaten, didn’t want what they were having and thought it a bit off he’d brought up last night as I’m upset about it but didn’t feel I could talk about it. He wouldn’t listen to me anyway as he never does.

Wouldn’t this bother you? It’s the seeking me out only to tell me he’s still annoyed! I’m annoyed too, I just didn’t say but why tell me that now when your DD is with us and you have my traipsing around the shops after you!

Pi would recommend the book by Patricia Evan's as it explains the dynamics involved and also the tactics used.

The assumption you are making is that he wants the same as you..a mutually beneficial relationship, give & take with compromises.
But that isn't what he wants...he wants you to do what he wants, when he wants it.

Once you see the motive behind his behaviour it all makes sense.

How old are you? Is there a reasonable age difference and are you financially independent?

I would just flag that often if you call time on similar characters before he is ready he might become vindictive. His victim mentality will come out fighting so if you have reasonable assets I would seek legal advice and instigate proceedings before telling him.

I am mid 30s he is mid 40s. We both have professional jobs. I am financially independent and earn about 50% more than him. If we split I’d like to keep the house. He said (when we were talking about divorce interspersed with him telling me he’d give me a chance to change) he would be ok with that - he couldn’t afford the house on his own - but I got the impression he expects a lot for his share. Not sure if I could manage it. I should seek advice.

I would start by getting the house valued. Then taking all your financial info to see a few lawyers. Don't expect the first lawyer you see to be necessarily the one you end up with.

Little steps. Take some of the power back by being better informed.

I really am thinking about leaving him but don’t feel strong enough. Im at a real low point

Your post really resonated with me, OP. Your "D"H sounds so much like my ex: perpetually aggrieved at the slightest thing, but never able to see or understand why I might be upset about anything. If I was upset, I was being unreasonable, if he was upset, it was because I was being unreasonable. He, too, would eventually start slamming doors etc.

I'm afraid I think things might not get better and you might never feel stronger. I think there's a real danger that you may get more and more ground down by his moodiness and petulance.

All my instincts tell me that you should end this now, before it becomes more damaging. I think you stand more chance of finding the strength now, before he's sapped any more of it.

Be strong, and garner support wherever you can.

I have felt this way for a while. The downs are almost balanced by the “ups” and then sometimes I think things are ok but even when we are on good terms I’m almost waiting for the other shoe to drop, for his mood to change or for him to have a go at something. It could be something like him suggesting we eat our while we’re out running errands or something and I’m not that bothered and know I’ll be expected to pay and know he’ll be annoyed if I say I don’t really have spare cash for a meal or whatever. I do feel like it has got to me but in a weird way I do feel stronger now like I’d be ok if we split. I don’t like the idea but I sometimes think it might be the best thing.

Update on today: after I didn’t accept his offer to put off the divorce for now and talk about how I’ll accommodate what he wants without considering what I want... he came back later suggesting we sit and “make a plan” on how to deal with things generally.

I took that to mean he would want to talk about what’s important to me too but I’m not naive enough to think it would be so different this time.

On the other hand, even though he reacts badly to things, in some ways I think he has got better at considering me and managing his temper but there is some way to go and he doesn’t think he has a problem obviously.

Do you have the time, or the patience, to wait while he takes this long to make the smallest of changes though OP? How much damage to your feelings for him, and your own MH, will have been done by the time he's managed to figure out how to act like a decent partner? And what if he never does? How long are you willing to wait for things which should be pretty basic expectations in a relationship, respect and communication? Is he worth the chunk of your life you will have wasted on him if he never gets any better? No need to answer those questions here obviously but you should maybe ask yourself

Whoa OP!!! Reading your last post - stop wobbling. (I mean that nicely.) If he's this much of a selfish, inconsiderate git now and yet he's improved, I dread to think what he was like before.

He's losing control and he doesn't like it. You haven't backed down so he has to try a different tack - to sound like he actually wants to change and make it work. He doesn't, I promise you. He wants to reel you back in so that he can go back to treating you with the same old shit. He might 'change' for a bit. I give him 2 weeks tops. Then he won't be able to keep the mask on and he'll be back to his old ways. And next time you say 'this time I mean it' he'll just laugh.

He's following a well worn script, to the letter.

You’re all right and I appreciate you taking the time to reply and give me advice.

Sometimes I think we’re fine and I’ve had to come up with ways to cope with the constant arguments. I can get very upset by it but I have come to almost get used to it so that if we argue at night I can try to switch off and go to sleep or if we argue in a morning I can go to work without letting it ruin my day. But the fact I have had to learn to deal with that doesn’t seem right. It’s taken me years to get here. And other times I do think life is too short to end it like this. Sometimes the idea of ending things make me feel like I can’t breath... It is easier said than done to leave someone even if things are not working.

I feel a bit better now that things are at least calmer. We’re not talking about divorce or at each other’s throats but I have also found there is a sense liberty which comes with thinking about being without him and knowing I do have a choice.

How long have you been married? The cycle of niceness and then anger is well known and it is also why you stay as subconciously each day you hope will be the good day.

This type of stress can literally make you ill so it is something to take seriously. I guess he is Mr Charming to everyone else so you feel the issue is with you..again that is very common.
Start reading up on toxic relationships and do some research on financials but keep your powder dry. Don't make him aware of any plans. I repeat this often but I was extremely naive and assumed Ex H would be amicable so shared plans however he then engaged top solicitors and mounted a vicious campaign. My solicitor, a lovely non adversarial type, said she had never dealt with such hostility before

OP, darling, how long do you want to wait around while he decides how much respect he wants to allow you?
I have been here, with a man just like him. They do not change, they just switch the angle of reconsiliation for a while until they’ve got you comfortable, while never actually budging an inch. Nothing ever really changes, and even if little things do change, how much effort does it make to get him to change even a tiny bit? You can spend years chipping away, thinking you’re getting somewhere, but eventually you come to the realisation that things really haven’t changed at all, only that the goalposts have changed, but you’ve got used to it because the only reward on offer is him not making you feel like shit. Pretty soon it becomes about how to get a quiet life, and in order to have that you have to be the one who gives in, shuts up about it and accepts his olive branches without ever getting anywhere near resolving what’s upset you in the first place.

I willingly accepted that my life would be shit for the sake of my ex, I’m ashamed to say. I couldn’t hack it for ever. Life’s too short to be grovelling for crumbs. When I finally left him I counted back, reflected, evaluated, as you endlessly do. What I realised is that he never changed. The pattern of our relationship was the same from start to finish, and that the reward I felt when I thought things were getting better was me just learning to lower my expectations. Don’t lower your expectations like I did. You’re entitled to expect mutual respect. Don’t settle for the closest thing you think you can get from him, because you’re entitled to so much more.

Don’t get fooled by the sunken costs fallacy. Don’t give more just because you’ve given far too much already. Sometimes calling it quits is the brave, and correct thing to do. You’re still only young, you have half a lifetime and more to live yet. Don’t make it less by staying in a miserable marriage where you get no respect. You’ll end up leaving anyway, sooner or later, do it while you still have time and options on your side.

Being ready to leave can take a long time, it's easy for us to say leave but I realise it's anything but easy to do. Best advice I can give you is keep looking for resources to help you understand his behaviour and your reactions to it, knowledge is power in this situation and the more you learn the stronger you will feel.

Find places and ways to offload, friends, counselling, here, whatever you can manage but you need an outlet, and to be listened to. And build up the areas of your life which don't include him, your work, friendships, hobbies etc, start to give yourself a taste of what your liberty would actually feel like.

Getting a support network in place will be key if you do decide to leave and will help sustain you in the meantime so don't be afraid to lean on the people who care about you, and us of course

My dad was like this, he smashed doors and walls in every house we lived in. It took my mum over 20 years to leave him and she wishes she had done it sooner. I had an ex just the same as well. Honestly get out now. He won't change, trust me. If someone gets aggressive and hits or throws or breaks things when you argue then they're not a good person to be around. You'll be stuck in a rut of always arguing. Just get out it'll be so much better for you.

The downs are almost balanced by the “ups” and then sometimes I think things are ok but even when we are on good terms I’m almost waiting for the other shoe to drop, for his mood to change or for him to have a go at something.

I was ensnared by someone like this when I was younger. He got a lot worse over time. The good times were so good and he was so amazing to be around on those days but any little thing could set him off and then it was all my fault. He also demonized other people (exes, his mother etc) and blamed them for all his issues. I was so conflicted about leaving and going NC, and even after he got seriously violent, I was still making excuses. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, and over the first few weeks I had to keep stopping myself apologizing and going back, but after a couple of months I started to feel so light and free.
You know you're in a bad situation and I think you know that your paths are separating. You will be so free and happy when you can find someone who loves and respects you and I promise there are people like that out there so don't waste any more time on this man and his coercive abusive control. Get unstuck from him. A solicitor will be best placed to advise about the house and will be able to help you negotiate a fair buyout with him.

@Whatisthisfuckery & Hidingtonothing, excellent posts.

The scary thing is how many partners are like this as so many women have similar experiences.
My Ex is with someone else and I know she has been seduced by his charming and kind facade. She probadly feels as I did, that she has finally met her soulmate. His previous relationships (no women were on good terms with him, which was a warning sign) were just incompatible. It took quite a few years for the mask to completely slip because as long as I gave up my needs we were good.

OP, there is always support for you. I am single but no longer cry or feel depressed which became a regular occurrence towards the end of the relationship. One day I just realised it would never get better and I deserved to be treated well.

My ex was alot like this. Fake "arguments" that had their basis in control not genuine anger. Up and downs like you describe. Trying to change me but never willing to change himself. I've left and divorced him and life is so much calmer. Single parenthood is so much easier than being with him.

I hope you find the strength to leave

You need the freedom program

This sounds soul destroying

This sounds soul destroying

I agree

The thing is it has been bad for years.
I was going to say beware the sunk costs fallacy but somebody has beaten me to it.
Don't tie yourself in knots trying to work out why he doesn't respect you, why he suddenly changes the rules of engagement following you around to fight you but then shutting you down if you fight back, etc etc. He is perfectly well able to control his behaviour if the consequences of behaving badly matter to him (he wouldn't last 5 minutes in a job behaving like that). You don't matter to him. He no more worries about your feelings and hopes than he does the feelings of the door he slammed. Don't waste brain space trying to understand why and work things out. You didn't make him like this- he's probably always been a selfish arse and definitely always will be.