Would this annoy you? (DH)

[NeedSomeSupport]

Had arguments with DH last night which ended with him slamming the doors (so hard that I later found white bits on the floor and it took me a minute to realise what it was from) while telling me that I’m being nasty. I wasn’t being nasty actually but he can’t listen to me if he doesn’t agree with what I say. We had planned to go out for lunch with his DD today and then go to a play tonight in our village but with the arguments it was left that we weren’t really speaking.

Today I’ve been out all day helping for a bereavement charity for a cause important to me. I left the house this morning early so didn’t speak to him. At some point while I was out he called me and said he’d be nearby with his daughter and would come to say hi. I said ok (I was with other people and didn’t want to argue).

He came to say hello and said they’d be getting some lunch and said they’d have a coffee while they waited for me for lunch. I said it’s fine as I’ve eaten and I’d call when we were done to see what they’re up to etc. He came back again as we were finishing. I said we had to go sign out. He said he’d come with.

So then I ended up walking around the shops with him and his teenage DD looking at sports clothes for him. I didn’t talk about anything as his DD was there but thought maybe he’d realised he’d overreacted hence coming to meet me. I wouldn’t have called him. I think he owes me an apology but wasn’t going to say anything.

Anyway he started being a bit funny. He then mentioned the play tonight, which I hadn’t even thought about. I said don’t you want to go. He said no, not after last night. I said I’m surprised he came to get me and made me feel a little pressured into going out with them, walking around shops for him (while carrying stuff from the charity work) and then going for lunch with them at a place he knows I don’t even like the food and is now saying he wouldn’t go to the show I have tickets for because of last night.

He said I had an ulterior motive if I was only walking around the shops and having lunch with them because of tonight. I wasn’t and hadn’t thought of it. But I did find it odd he’d say he wouldn’t go, because of last night, after he’d preserved in getting me to join him in his plans...

I ended up leaving them to go to lunch as if already eaten, didn’t want what they were having and thought it a bit off he’d brought up last night as I’m upset about it but didn’t feel I could talk about it. He wouldn’t listen to me anyway as he never does.

Wouldn’t this bother you? It’s the seeking me out only to tell me he’s still annoyed! I’m annoyed too, I just didn’t say but why tell me that now when your DD is with us and you have my traipsing around the shops after you!

I mean OP - the man seems to be making an effort here

Only if you read incredibly selectively and skip over him failing to take responsibility for his appalling behaviour, but instead continuing with it...

He's a horrible manipulating Dick OP, please go to the Play tonight and let him sit at home wallowing in his own bitterness.

I agree with every word quincejamplease has said. This man is emotionally abusing you. Massive, massive red flag him throwing things. When he figures out that doesn't work any more, he will escalate. Whatever that form escalating takes, it won't be good news for you. Some men throw stuff at you, some men start throwing punches.

I think it's time to make your exit plan.

Don't do a big food shop now it's exhausting! Buy enough food for tonight including a bottle of something you like and go to the play either on your own or with a friend. See how it feels without him for an evening.
He doesn't sound like a good'un, maybe time to let go...

Could you go with a friend and stay at theirs tonight?

I didn’t change plans. He told me I wasn’t invited to lunch after we argued. He then took that back as he never meant it and truer to arrange lunch again but his elder DD (he had two) said she can only come if he picks her up (she is 18). He said ok but had forgotten I needed the car for the charity thing and that’s when he got annoyed and said I was angry / slammed doors. He knew I was using the car and the plan had always been that they would get trains and we all meet up at the lunch place.
So I thought lunch was off. I thought play was off. Then he came to find me for lunch.

Also when he called to say he’d come say hello I told him I was eating lunch...

I felt like I was being pressured to having lunch with him and DD anyway without him apologising and still somehow making me feel like the bad one when I was really upset

I really am thinking about leaving him but don’t feel strong enough. Im at a real low point

Sorry Op but I wouldn't tolerate that kind of abusive behaviour so I hope you find the strength to leave him as soon as possible.

It never fails to amaze me that some women on threads like these sympathise with the man that 'seems to be making an effort to make amends', it's appalling behaviour and is abuse.

Yes this type of behaviour would annoy and upset me, the fact that he showed up but didn't apologise and then you felt obliged to trail about when he went shopping only for him then to announce that he's not going to the play as 'he's annoyed' with you and making out that you came along as you had an ulterior motive. He seems rude and insensitive, lacking in empathy. What about your feelings in all of this?

I'm sorry but he doesn't sound very nice, he seems to have a problem listening to your point of view and with you having an opinion that isn't the same as his. It doesn't sound like he's going to change his ways. I don't think anyone should be treated like this. Try and treat yourself kindly, you deserve better, good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks

Not sure how we move forward tbh

He does seem to think it’s all about his feelings and what’s important to him. Doesn’t seem to accept I’m upset too and my feelings are just as important. That’s the way it has always been. I know he has a lot on his mind too and we’d be able to work it out if only he’d actually discuss things with me and treat me with some respect.

If you're thinking about leaving him and his behaviour I as bad as you've described I think you should just do it. You only have one life. it doesn't sound like you're happy in this relationship. You've been to counselling before and it hasn't improved things.

Think very carefully about your future.

I’m not happy. I want things to be better but I don’t think he’ll ever be different. I’m not saying there is no good there but he is all about him. Yesterday because he is upset about something he says he wants to split. I know he’s upset but don’t think he meant it as he often says things when he’s down. Anyway we then started talking about divorce and how I’d buy him out as I’d like to keep the house.

Later on in the evening his mood lifted a bit and he was saying “look we obviously don’t want to get divorced, let’s just sort this out” but he only wanted to sort out the thing that was bothering him. He wasn’t interested in what’s important to me.

So this morning I went to say good morning to him and he was v down. I told him I was upset that he was still talking about me doing what he wants and not the other way around. He said “it’s too late”. I reminded him that the last thing he said last night was that he didn’t want to get split but he only wanted me to sort out what’s bothering him and not vice versa and I’m not sure why he thinks I’d agree to that.

I’m at the end of my tether.

It really doesn't sound happy, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I think talking through actual splits can be too hard initially because you're still "in" the relationship; one of you needs to move out and then manage the split. I can appreciate if you want to keep the house that you'd want to stay, but maybe it would be best to get advice on the relationships board because I'd worry about his temper escalating if he realises you are really leaving him.

we’d be able to work it out if only he’d actually discuss things with me and treat me with some respect

If only....that is what keeps us in bad relationships.

Op, I see yesterday as him angry you didn't agree to him having the car however he had told his daughter he was meeting you so to save face he went along with it. However he knew the play was important to you and because he wants to punish you he decided not to go.

I think you know he is self centred, entitled and unable to meet your needs.
He only back off when you show you could handle a divorce as financially able to buy him out.

I suspect you will be in this downward spiral bu he won't leave you until he has someone else lined up.

The nice times are when you are meeting his needs..otherwise he will use anger, punishment and passive aggressive behaviour to get you to acquiesce to him.
A really useful book is The verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. I think it will highlight the power play that is going on here.

Btw, does he have a good relationship with his Ex?

Relationship with ex is weird

She has always been a bit difficult (has sent me nasty texts etc) but I think he caused a lot of the problems. He would talk to her when we were having problems for example. She causes problems with this DD etc. He painted her as a difficult person at first and I believed him but then when I learned what he was really like I thought actually he must have been the problem! I am probably a bit more of a doormat than she was.

What is annoying me now is I’ve been so upset that I’ve been saying we need to either sort our issues out or split. He doesn’t taken me seriously and seems to hang around until he can see I’m still here like yesterday he knew I was upset with him so came to see me to smooth things over / check I was still in my place.

Today he is v upset about something so he wants to split except when I go along with that he reminds me I can still sort this out by fixing things for him (it’s all my fault obviously) so now he expects me to stand to attention and address what’s bothering him. I’ve been asking for that for months and I got nothing. I can’t do it.

Why does he think that there’s only a problem if HE is upset??

I have literally say crying my eyes out (well not literally) the past few days and he seems completely unmoved by it. He doesn’t care. He’ll say he doesn’t care because I’ve made him that way. I don’t see how we make this work but I don’t really want things to be over.

Ask yourself a really honest question OP, are the reasons you don't want it to be over actually real? When you think about what those reasons are, are they things he actually brings to the relationship now or are they things you've perhaps seen a glimmer of and are now constantly chasing after, in a similar vein to the 'if only he'd discuss things with me and treat me with some respect' feeling you mentioned earlier? It's a pointless exercise to keep striving for how a relationship should or could be, you have to judge based on how it is now.

And if it's fear, and familiarity, making you stay please know that those feelings are temporary, they're not pleasant while they last but a new 'normal' emerges much quicker than you'd think. As opposed to your current situation, which could go on interminably if you let it, crushing your spirit in the process. I think you have a pretty clear choice to make here, short term upheaval and sadness that it's ended, followed by the freedom to make a new life for yourself, or the rest of your days battling him for some basic respect and communication. I'd be having a really hard think about that OP

Wise words Hidingtonothing hope they give you strength Op.

We are always arguing and we never manage to resolve anything as he won’t discuss anything. He won’t try to see my point of view, dismisses what I say and walks out or talks over me if he doesn’t like what I’m saying. It’s all part of a bigger issue

This is the most important part of your post.

He’s a controlling bully.

I understand why you were upset about him coming to find you at the event and all that entailed.

I agree with others that he sounds like a bullying, abusive bastard.

I really hope you can get him to move out because I can't see any end to these circles you are going round.

Would he agree to move out somewhere for a fortnight for you both to collect yourselves. And hopefully you could garner some strength to escape him.

Well if he is currently upset and talking about splitting, it sounds to me he does very much care.

Well if he is currently upset and talking about splitting, it sounds to me he does very much care.

He cares about the hassle. He cares about not being able to control OP. He cares that his nice, cosy (for him) set up would be taken away.

He doesn't care about the OP.

He isn’t upset about me / us. He’s upset about something else.

He has said just now that he doesn’t want to split (which I know) but what he’s annoyed about can’t happen again and if it does that’s the end. I said well okay if I decide that I want us to try again then I will give you one last chance too. He then got annoyed and walked out.

He knows I have issues that I’ve been talking to him about for ages. He knows I talk about splitting if it’s not resolved. I haven’t followed through of course but neither has he. All these things have been coming to a head in the past few weeks and few days. Yet because he is now upset about something he wants me to grovel or go out of my way. That’s fine but it’s a two way relationship and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say we’ll discuss what is important to both of us and work on what’s bothering both of us. How can it be?! He really winds me up...

He wants to just carry on as we were with an assurance from me that I “won’t do it again” kind of thing but still isn’t prepared to listen to what I’ve got to say.

He behaves like a child with me. He is so articulate and seems so intelligent and sensible when he is with other people such as our parents.

I think it is the fear which is keeping me here. I do care for him. I would say he is my first love in that he is my first serious relationship. I can’t imagine not being able to see him or talk to him. BUT we argue a lot and I often feel upset because of something he’s said / done or the way he treats me.

The thing is it has been bad for years. I have felt strongly about how bad things are for a while. I have this (stupid?) notion that we are married so should try harder.

He said something like “we’re back to the same thing again...” when I suggested we should talk about what is bothering me too 🙄

I have this (stupid?) notion that we are married so should try harder.

The key word here is 'we'. You both want it to work, but for you that means treating each other with respect and listening to the other's views. And you can try until you're blue in the face, but you can't make that happen on your own. It takes both of you.

Whereas his idea of making it work is that you shut up, never challenge him, do exactly what he wants at all times. And to be fair, he can't make that happen on his own either, it needs you to play ball.

However only one of those scenarios is reasonable. And it's not his. He doesn't want to work it out, he just wants you to fall in line. Which I really hope you won't do. OP you keep mentioning him going back on what he's said about splitting up. Of course he doesn't want it. But it's not solely his decision is it? If you decide you want to split up you can. That's one thing you don't need him for.

It can never work when only one person is trying to change OP. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong so why would he change? You are quite literally banging your head against a brick wall here, my username has, sadly, never been more appropriate.

Ex..was like that
You have my every sympathy and no, my marriage did not end well