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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I let this go?

68 replies

Catcrazy008 · 11/10/2019 16:35

So not to drip feed will try and give as much info now.
I have been with my partner 15 years, we have 2 children, 10 and 4.
We met through my old boss on a blind date.
Things went really well and pretty much moved in together almost straight away.
We got to know each other and things were good.
He had had long term previous relationships that were shit, same as me.
My boss told me in a joking manner, don’t you know he has 4 kids?!
I replied, no he hasn’t!
That night after work I asked my partner and he denied that he had children and my boss was winding me up.
This lie carried on for 5 years, I knew somehow, call it intuition, that he was lying to me.
I pushed and pushed him on this and he continued to lie.
Finally after pushing into a corner he admitted that yes he might be their father as his previous partners were unfaithful.
Years later still I get a msg from his ex that he sees 2 of them on a Saturday whilst I think he is at work!
Yet again lies until I push him into a corner to tell the truth.

We went though a rough patch with this and he promised me he would not tell me lies again.
I discovered that he had carried on smoking when he told me he had stopped. I knew he was lying but blamed his work colleagues for the smell on his clothes. He didn’t tell the truth until I found his cigs.

Again I am hurt that he has lied.
He says that he lies as he knows the truth will upset me.

Last week I asked him to cancel my dentist appointment as I was ill. I asked him if he remembered to do this and he said he cancelled my appointment early in the morning.
Two days ago I had a letter from dentist to say my appointment had not been cancelled. I Rang my partner and checked yes he had...
So he returned from work, I asked to borrow his mobile, looked on his call log and he had gone out in the evening and then called!

I am so furious at his lies. I am not talking to him and he has slept on sofa since I went ballistic at his lies again...

When speaking to my mum she says I am making a mountain out of a molehill and he lies about the things that he knows I won’t like.
My opinion is I can’t trust what he says to me.

So my question is AIBU? What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Catcrazy008 · 11/10/2019 16:44

Anyone?

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 11/10/2019 16:51

He's a habitual liar and you can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth! He's basically told you he's taking the easy way out, but there's a contempt for the truth and for you in there, too. Any old lie is good enough, it seems.

If you value the truth above most things - and most people don't - he needs to step up and bravely speak the truth to you if he values you above most things.

The habits of a lifetime are very hard to change.

Ijustwanttoretire · 11/10/2019 16:52

You know he's a liar and he's lied to you since day 1, so what do you want to do? Live with never being able to trust anything he says, wondering every time he opens his mouth if he's lying or telling the truth ,or LTB? Your mother sounds weird tbh, why would him lying because you wouldn't like the truth (i.e he didn't cancel the appointment) be acceptable? Confused. Me? I'd leave. In fact I have done. but only you can decide.

PatriciaHolm · 11/10/2019 16:55

You lost me at the lying for years about having children. What were you thinking????

Original poster
Catcrazy008 · 11/10/2019 17:00

The reason I have stayed is because basically he is a good man, we get on really well and he is a great dad.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 11/10/2019 17:02

It would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid - I was married to ahabitula liar for many years (his last lies were because he was having an affair) but he lied about everything - big important things and stupid little things, lying was his default position - I think he somehow got a thrill out of lying and wondering if I'd find out. But ultimately it is very disrespectful and cruel, because it erodes trust, it makes you worry for your own sanity at times (like the episode you mention over the dentist - it is things like that where you start asking yourself 'did I ask him ? am going bonkers?')
I can pretty much guarantee he won't change - it's up to you whether you can put up with the lying or not.
Lying over not having children is a major major breach of trust in my book - it's like he doesn't trust you to be able to handle the truth, he taken away your right to choice (as in whether you want to be with man who has 4 children or not)by not giving you correct information on which to base your decisions and choices.

Hesafriendfromwork · 11/10/2019 17:05

You stayed and had kids with a man who lied about, and hid his 4 kids?

Imtootired · 11/10/2019 17:06

It seems really weird to me you wouldn’t push the children thing and find out the truth? The smoking and not canceling appointments are pretty minor in comparison. Don’t you want to know about them, if he’s been in touch with them, been a good dad, paid maintenance? Seems like you’re both living your lives pretending

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/10/2019 17:06

basically he is a good man

Erm, sorry, you've lost me with that one. Confused

He is a liar! Not telling you he was seeing his kids but was at work... for years...? That's just WEIRD.

You can't trust him with the big things (i.e. telling you he has children) and you can't even trust him with the small things (cancelling an appointment for you).

Up to you, but I'd have thrown the towel in years ago. Sorry. Flowers

Hesafriendfromwork · 11/10/2019 17:06

And when does he see the other 2?

Teachtolive · 11/10/2019 17:07

The reason I have stayed is because basically he is a good man, we get on really well and he is a great dad.

Have you any evidence of him being a good man and a good dad? All I see is evidence to the contrary. What kind of good dad denies his kids exist? What kind of good man lies habitually to his partner?

Original poster
Catcrazy008 · 11/10/2019 17:08

@KurriKurri
You hit the nail on the head, he said I wouldn’t have been interested if he had told me about the 4 kids.
I just feel like such an idiot, that I look like a mug.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 11/10/2019 17:13

How can he be a good man if he doesn't respect you enough to be truthful?

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 11/10/2019 17:14

In a lot of ways it was my ex lying over and over that ended my marriage. He got into debt and lied about it, and even when I found out he heaped lies on top of lies. Even when we could have lost our home. Obviously there’s more to the story, but basically when trust is gone, then I don’t think there’s much of a way back.

DeathStare · 11/10/2019 17:17

he lies about the things that he knows I won’t like
But of course he lies about the things you won't like - nobody lies about things the other person WILL like. That doesn't mean you are unreasonable not to like them.

basically he is a good man
No he isn't. He's a habitual liar

we get on really well
It's actually very easy to get on with anyone who has no scruples about lying to you, if you don't know they are lying. It's easy to pretend to be someone likeable.

he is a great dad
To your children? Who he lies to about their siblings existence? Or to the kids he lies about existing? Or to the kids he has probably had with other women since you've been together, to whom he probably lies about your kids existing?

Sorry to be blunt OP but he lies. He lies about lying. He lies about who he's seeing. He lies about who his children are. He probably lies about who you are. His lies put you in all sorts of precarious situations that you don't seem to even have realised. And he doesn't care. He doesn't care about being honest to you. He doesn't care about being honest to his children. He may promise to stop lying but history had proved time and time again that this hasn't happened.

Hesafriendfromwork · 11/10/2019 17:17

You hit the nail on the head, he said I wouldn’t have been interested if he had told me about the 4 kids. I just feel like such an idiot, that I look like a mug.

But you said you knew he was lying. If your boss is set you up with him, why didnt you go back and ask them 'does he have kids he says no?'

And at 5 years when he admitted it. Why not walk away then? Or when you found out he spends a day a week with the kids and you dont know.

Have you even met the kids? How are you ok with this? But losing your shit over the dentist?

He took away your choice. He decided you woildnt be with him if you knew. He took that choice away.

And he is a shit dad to 4 kids. He may appear to be a gold dad to yours (I dispute that), but how can you respect him.

AudacityOfHope · 11/10/2019 17:19

Sorry, you lost me when you said that him lying to you about the existence of his children caused a 'rough patch' Confused

What the actual fuck? Why would you be with this person?

Get some bloody counselling woman!

Thegullfromhull · 11/10/2019 17:24

"He is a great dad”
Yaaaaaawwwwwwn
No. He isn’t.

Original poster
Catcrazy008 · 11/10/2019 17:26

@AudacityOfHope tell it like it is!

Yes I have stayed, does that make me stupid? I expect so...
Counselling? Maybe I do need it...

OP posts:
Original poster
Catcrazy008 · 11/10/2019 17:28

@Thegullfromhull
Why is he not a great dad?

OP posts:
Thegullfromhull · 11/10/2019 17:31

Because he denies his kids existence?
How would you feel if your parent pretended you didn’t exist ? Confused

MintyMabel · 11/10/2019 17:52

he is a good man, we get on really well and he is a great dad.

Any reason you’ve set this bar so low?

AudacityOfHope · 11/10/2019 17:54

Sorry, but your post really shocked me!

I think if this kind of behaviour is what you're willing to put up with, then yes, you genuinely need counselling, I wasn't being facetious.

BackforGood · 11/10/2019 17:56

It is difficult to know what you should do at this point.

In my mind, I would have walked when I found he'd got 4 children that he'd not only not mentioned but then actually lied about when you found out. It would have been easier then - no commitments, no dc.

Different now. You have 2 dc together.

Easier for us strangers on the internet to say it would be a deal breaker, but if it wasn't a deal breaker, lying about his other children, before you had dc together, why is a phone call (or not) to a dentist a deal breaker ?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/10/2019 17:59

Anyone who lies about having children, and lies about other things too, is not ‘basically a good person’.

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