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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I let this go?

68 replies

Catcrazy008 · 11/10/2019 16:35

So not to drip feed will try and give as much info now.
I have been with my partner 15 years, we have 2 children, 10 and 4.
We met through my old boss on a blind date.
Things went really well and pretty much moved in together almost straight away.
We got to know each other and things were good.
He had had long term previous relationships that were shit, same as me.
My boss told me in a joking manner, don’t you know he has 4 kids?!
I replied, no he hasn’t!
That night after work I asked my partner and he denied that he had children and my boss was winding me up.
This lie carried on for 5 years, I knew somehow, call it intuition, that he was lying to me.
I pushed and pushed him on this and he continued to lie.
Finally after pushing into a corner he admitted that yes he might be their father as his previous partners were unfaithful.
Years later still I get a msg from his ex that he sees 2 of them on a Saturday whilst I think he is at work!
Yet again lies until I push him into a corner to tell the truth.

We went though a rough patch with this and he promised me he would not tell me lies again.
I discovered that he had carried on smoking when he told me he had stopped. I knew he was lying but blamed his work colleagues for the smell on his clothes. He didn’t tell the truth until I found his cigs.

Again I am hurt that he has lied.
He says that he lies as he knows the truth will upset me.

Last week I asked him to cancel my dentist appointment as I was ill. I asked him if he remembered to do this and he said he cancelled my appointment early in the morning.
Two days ago I had a letter from dentist to say my appointment had not been cancelled. I Rang my partner and checked yes he had...
So he returned from work, I asked to borrow his mobile, looked on his call log and he had gone out in the evening and then called!

I am so furious at his lies. I am not talking to him and he has slept on sofa since I went ballistic at his lies again...

When speaking to my mum she says I am making a mountain out of a molehill and he lies about the things that he knows I won’t like.
My opinion is I can’t trust what he says to me.

So my question is AIBU? What should I do?

OP posts:
squeaver · 11/10/2019 18:04

I can't believe you had children with this man.

Marlena1 · 11/10/2019 18:07

I think I am more shocked at your mum defending him. It's usually easier to see these things from the outside. He might be a great dad in some ways, but denying them is not great at all.

Thegullfromhull · 11/10/2019 18:07

Perhaps your mum has really off kilter boundaries , and that’s why yours are all over the place?
Because her minimising is quite shocking?
It’s not really small fry that he’s lying about..

Thegullfromhull · 11/10/2019 18:08

Oh sorry cross post with @marlena1

redexpat · 11/10/2019 18:13

Exactly how far does he need to go before you say I will not tolerate this behaviour?

HoneysuckIejasmine · 11/10/2019 18:13

Oh dear god. He's not a good person and he certainly isn't a good dad if he denied his kids existed!!

biggirlknickers · 11/10/2019 18:13

How is he not a great dad?

He has 4 children, whose part in his life is so minimal that he can hide them from the woman he lives with for 5 years.

He’s not really any kind of dad at all to those 4, is he?

bloodywhitecat · 11/10/2019 18:14

A great dad does not deny the existence of his children. Ever.

Hesafriendfromwork · 11/10/2019 18:14

Maybe the mum isnt off kilter maybe she is thinking

'Ffs kicking off over this when she doesn't mind the 4 kids (2 of which he doesnt appear to see), the years of lying about where he was on Saturdays. She isnt going to actually do anything. What's the point in saying anything other than. It's not a big deal. As usual this will be forgotten ina fee months and she will be talking about how great he is'

Or maybe op hasnt told her about all the kids and the lying and she genuinely doesnt think this is a big deal.

Geminijes · 11/10/2019 18:19

he is a good man, we get on really well and he is a great dad.

Who lies about his children's existence.

Your definition of a great dad is skewed.

Bellringer · 11/10/2019 18:20

Nah

DeathStare · 11/10/2019 18:20

How is he not a great dad?

Just out of interest OP, is he paying any child support for the 4 children who you know of who live elsewhere (or did he - I'm guessing they may be grown up by now)? And does he see the two that you haven't mentioned? What about when their were emergencies in their lives; was he there? Or just run of the mill things - parents' evenings, school plays, etc? These children must be at least in their late teens by now - how often does he call or text them? Did he call to see how they got on in their GCSEs?

And do you really know for sure he hasn't had more since being with you?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 11/10/2019 18:22

'He's a great dad'. Yes he denies his children's existence and because of this presumably doesn't pay for them as much as she should or see them whenever he can.

I can't see him winning father of the year, somehow

Crimearino · 11/10/2019 18:26

You should leave, but I think you've probably known that but haven't for a long time. If he can lie directly to your face about everything, you're never going to know when he is actually telling the truth.

What's the difference between 4 kids (who he has presumably neglected, which also isn't great), smoking to another woman or losing his job, being in debt etc.

Save yourself that heartache. If he can get away with it (which he is as you know he's lied and you're still there) it's going to get worse.

TwoPupsandaHamster · 11/10/2019 18:30

He's a liar... End of..... WTF are you still with him?

kittens876 · 11/10/2019 18:34

Run! That what I would do if I went through that again. My ex lied like he breathed! Still does.. only we are blissfully divorced now and I’m Much happier! X

Actionhasmagic · 11/10/2019 18:35

Erm the lying about kids thing would have done it for me - the dentist thing seems irrelevant in comparison !

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/10/2019 18:45

If he can lie about his children he can lie about anything. You're never going to be able to trust him.

He's not going to change.

You either leave him or you accept he's going to lie to you for the rest of your lives about everything.

Ozziewozzie · 11/10/2019 18:52

It sounds to me as though he has self esteem issues. He wants you to view him in a certain light and hates the thought of you thinking anything bad of him or being dissapounted in him. He’s not going it to hurt you. ( even though it does) it’s a knee jerk reaction to telling you what he thinks you’d prefer to hear, to avoid you being dissapounted in him.

He probably has low self confidence if you take a good long look at him. Therapy could well help him work on this.
I know and completely get why you can’t trust him but the actual problem is, he’s not trusting you. Not in the sense of ‘youll Run off with someone or you tell lies’ I mean he doesn’t trust he deserves you, and he’s therefore covering up anything which may make this anyway a reality.
If you focus on just the fact that he’s a liar, he will only feel less worthy of you and the lies could possibly get worse. Talk to him about his confidence in you both as a couple.

LiveFatsDieYoGnu · 11/10/2019 18:54

Did he/does he even pay child support for these kids? He sounds barely adequate as a human being, let alone a father.

HJWT · 11/10/2019 18:54

@Catcrazy008 Good men don't lie.. repeatedly... especially about the DC they have 🥴

WagtailRobin · 11/10/2019 18:59

As soon as it became apparent he had lied about having children, I would have ended the relative but I know we all react differently. The thing is he denied his own flesh and blood to you, what else would he deny? Probably quite a lot and he will undoubtedly deny your kids existence in the future if you and him split and he gets with someone new.

Lying is clearly all too comfortable for him, so easy in fact he lied about something minor like ringing the dentist, that isn't indicative of someone trustworthy when combined with all of his other lies, and they are just the lies you now know about.

I don't think compulsive liars can change!

WagtailRobin · 11/10/2019 19:01

That should have said "relationship", not "relative".

CarWreck · 11/10/2019 19:02

Isn't this the second or third recent thread about partners having secret kids? What's going on?

Hederex · 11/10/2019 19:16

My God this man would be out of my door for good. Your mum has very low standards.

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