To say it’s easier now than it was then...

[isittooearlyforgin]

I now have one preteen and a teenager. In conversation with friends of similar aged children, friends are telling me it’s harder now than it was then but I just can’t believe it. I think they’ve forgotten how hard the early years are, sleepless nights, constant attention, not being able to leave them for 2 minutes, not having a wee or shower alone etc. I get that they need emotional support and you’ve got to let go more but honestly...nothing can be harder than the first 5 years surely?!

Isn't it just hard in a different way?

I'm not there yet but I think I'm going to find parenting teens harder than parenting a toddler.

I hope it gets easier then, please tell me it does

My friend is up at 615 with her kids, I have a lie in til 830. I can go to the shops unaccompanied, without the trauma of strapping two resistant unbendable beings into a car. To be fair, they seem never go to bed rather than clocking off at 730 but I think I’ll take that!

Mine are 19, almost 18 & 11 and to be fair there's roughly the same amount of crying, sleepless nights, constant attention & I still can't pee or shower without one of them coming into the bathroom unless they're actually out of the house.

The most difficult parenting stage is always the one you are currently going through.

I have two in primary (aka “the golden years”).

Definitely easier than when they were tiny. Not least because at least I’m not severely sleep deprived.

Not sure I’m looking forward to the teenage years though.....

My grandma always said that babies make your arms ache, but older children make your heart ache. (I don't know what my dad and his sister did to cause her heartache though)

I don't think there's a definitive answer because everyone operates differently and everyone's family circumstances including finances (which have a great bearing on how much hassle you encounter logistically) are different.

Some people like the physical symbiosis of the very early years; for others it can be oppressive. Some people like gradual levelling out of societal position you get in a household with teens; for others the conflicting interests this throws up are difficult to balance.

Everyone is different.

And also, there are some children who encounter big difficulties - social, developmental, physical or mental. If you've experienced that with a child, whatever age it happened you'll see that as a difficult time.

For many, the teen years are when your child will encounter what are essentially adult concerns that they will have to learn to navigate throughout the rest of their lives and that in itself can be upsetting - the first time your child encounters drug use, the first time one of their friends puts themselves in a risky situation. You don't get a five minute warning before they come to you with this stuff - you have to be ready.

And it signals the point at which their lives stop being within the defined adult set remit of childhood and you realise that they really are in the world and will become increasingly so. It's a big leap for everyone.

Wise words @whiskeysourpuss. Perhaps I’m in some smug middle ground and will shortly rue my words!

Personally I don't think it is harder now then it was "then."

It certainly has it's challenges now and kids will always be a pain at times. But now I can lay in the bath for an hour my dd can have a bath that she has run herself and relax. I can go to the shops without the fuss of kids.

Before it was all constant attention/keeping.an eye on, entertaining, tantrums, taking them everywhere, doing every little thing for... exhausting.

They are a pain at times now but they can get themselves up and dressed now, get washed by themselves, fed themselves when they need a snack, entertain themselves with their friends...

All much easier in my world...

@Fuma wow! That is food for thought.

I found the year before school, so aged 3/4 quite difficult but coped reasonably well as I was fairly young. One of my lovely grandchildren is now this age and I find her absolutely exhausting! Same reasons but I’m 35 years older!
Older teens and the constant worry of what they are doing and keeping safe with their increasing freedom and independence I also found difficult.
I loved and enjoyed the baby , toddler, primary and lower secondary years even with one totally resistant eater and all the worry that brought.
However, I am also finding being the parent of adult children ( in their late 20’s and 30’s) not easy. I still worry and care about them every day just like when they lived with me, but I can’t be monitoring or taking control of what they are doing obviously. Some live abroad and I don’t see them very often which is hard.
Every stage is amazing but has its own tricky parts.

Newborn to 3 months was so hard. But it was hard for me, not her , she was just doing her baby thing and I struggled. To 5 was hard because of child care and juggling work etc, again me, not her, she was lovely. But I am finding that NOTHING has been as hard as trying to support my most precious thing through the teenage minefield of puberty, friendship gone wrong, school stress... her pain is mine x1000 because a cuddle no longer fixes it and mummy cant make it better anymore. As teenagers go, I'm having it relatively easy so far, but when it is their hardship, not yours, you feel so sad, so powerless and I would have the newborn bit a million times over if I could ease her passage through her troubled times.

Interning thread.
I feel unable to contribute as I have a two year old!
But so far for me, the baby months were easier. Much easier!

I do think it depends on you as an I sit and what you find difficult, though. My biggest weakness is my fear of being a useless parent. I found DS easy to keep happy for the first 12 -18 months.
Now I feel like I’m negotiating an emotional mindfield and I’m not so confident I’m doing it right.
I reckon I’ll walk the teenage years though

@isittooearlyforgin LOL

@Mac47 @knittingnanny exactly! It's a tough old world out there. When they're little you can filter it for them and, crucially, keep them safe. Realising that you won't always be able to do that because you're experiencing not always being able to do that is sooooo hard.

I think I found baby and toddler years so hard because my dd was really hard work but now is gorgeous teenager.

Plus, when the bad stuff does happen, for me at least part of my brain still sees a baby. To take a stupid example, some wee eejit had a go at ds2 on the street the other day, unprovoked. He was fine, shrugged it off, he's a big 6ft 2 lad, it wasn't physical.

But that was two days ago and on both mornings since as he's left the house this irrational fucking nutso mama part of my brain was screaming "I'm sending my tiny defenceless baby into a hostile world. Quick, stop him! Keep him at home forever!"

I loved having a teenager, it was great fun. Never a dull moment. Music, friends, parties, festivals (some school work in between). I liked the infant stage too in a different way, so sweet and funny, but teens are great.

Wish my mum had thought teens were great when I was a teenager.

I think it depends.
For me dd was a breeze as a baby. Teenager has been more challenging. She has some additional needs and is not the best judge of character. She can be quite vulnerable but unlike when she was a toddler I cannot make decisions for her or protect her from everything. It is hard sometimes.

I think that’s it Rachel, i enjoy watching films and going for lunch, sharing a sense of humour, debating the news, books with them so more like friends although of course I parent them too

Agree with previous poster. Everyone is different. In my experience baby/early years were not sleep deprived and were definitely easier than the teen years. I had more sleepless nights with mine as teens/young adults than I ever did when they were little and that includes newborn babies.

I find it easier now, with teens, then baby/toddler stage. Each stage has its good bits and worries, but it definantly easier now.

The most difficult parenting stage is always the one you are currently going through.

My grandma always said that babies make your arms ache, but older children make your heart ache

I thoroughly agree with both of these.
I have 3 teens currently and the thing I find the hardest is that I just don't know what to say or do to help most of the time. Added to that, they don't want me to say or do anything anyway!
I look at toddler tantrums, and think - well at leats I knew then what to do, even though it was hard!

Personality is so important. ds was a very easy baby, a normal toddler, a horrendous pre-teen and as a teen swings from gorgeous to bloody nightmare. dd1, terrible non sleeping baby, then pretty even keel all the way through, but has struggled with gender identity which has broken my heart as I've tried to walk that path alongside her. Dd2, drama queen, all the way through, but gets over it quickly and wants a hug, same since she was little.

Much easier when they are older. You get your life back, and also get yourself back. And if you're lucky, they are good company (in a more adult way, rather than in a "read-me-a-book", "play-shops-with-me" way).

I think the early years are physically hard - exhausting and relentless but you basically rely on common sense and instinct - your job is to keep the small creature alive at the end of the day.
As they get older there's so much to think about and decisions to agonise over, trying to help them make the right choices and putting them back together when they don't . . It's emotionally exhausting rather that physically.

I went wonder if easy baby=easy teen ...
We have different frustrations and I've had the difficult stages be different with each of mine. Dd had terrible 2's and 3's to be fair, ds was a bit of a threenager but angelic before that. Ds slept better than dd but I found dd easier as I'd done it all before. Ds was/is placid, dd is the opposite here's hoping she's not a terrible teen too