To say it’s easier now than it was then...

[isittooearlyforgin]

I now have one preteen and a teenager. In conversation with friends of similar aged children, friends are telling me it’s harder now than it was then but I just can’t believe it. I think they’ve forgotten how hard the early years are, sleepless nights, constant attention, not being able to leave them for 2 minutes, not having a wee or shower alone etc. I get that they need emotional support and you’ve got to let go more but honestly...nothing can be harder than the first 5 years surely?!

Today is an example of how hard being a parent of an adult child, eldest who lives 15 hours flight away has 2 month old twins who I haven’t seen yet. They are in hospital this week with chest infections. I feel sick with helplessness, I’ve offered to go out but they already have 4 adults in the house ( live in nanny/maid)

He is late 30’s and I still want to make everything better for him

I have one tiny child so have no knowledge of teens and whether it's easier or harder, but people with older/grown up children definitely have some rose-tinted glasses sometimes! My mum was irritatingly full of 'the thing about babies is you just get on with your life and they fit in' and quite scathing about how both me and SIL weren't getting enough done given how easy looking after one baby is - until she started having my 10 month old nephew one day a week...

Even though mine is still so little though (15 months) I have definitely already seen how different stages suit different people. I didn't enjoy having a newborn much and felt like I must just be a worse mother than those who did, but I love it now he's a bit older whereas some of those same mothers are finding this trickier. I am always amazed when people say it's harder when they move/walk as DS was so, so much easier as soon as he could crawl, and then easier still once he was walking.

I agree it is loads easier and like hanging out with them. More sleep etc and no constant trips to park or soft play! And can chat about random stuff and a sense of humour! There is homework etc but as they get older they are more independent and can get on with that themselves.

How old is the teen?

I guess a lot comes down to the age of the carer of a child. I haven't the energy I had at 27 to care for a baby or toddler ; I would find it hard now at my age but back then I could ' just get on with it'!
I try not to do the ' back in the day ' thing as you also forget a lot too. My mil always said how easy it was etc but she had just airbrushed out the bad I think! Easy done as you age yourself.

I'm a nan and because of my job. I have friends of all ages with children of all ages.
When my dd moans about her teen I smile sweetly and tell her it's Karma (bit mean but I waited a long time to tell her that) .
We had a few difficult years when she was a teen but mostly good. She's nearly 40 now and I still worry about her constantly, she has been through a very difficult year and has been so stressed and sad. She is my only DC and I feel so sorry that I can't just give her a cuddle and make everything OK for her. So I don't think it is necessarily easier, just different.

Absolutely, I’m very aware of rose tinted glasses!

Well obviously it depends. Some kids are easy babies but nightmare teenagers. Or vice versa. Or terrible toddlers, or whatever. I found the toddler age pretty easy.

DS was an appalling sleeper and he was 3.5 before I got anything approaching a decent night's sleep (and even then he was still up at 5.30).

But that was a different degree of hard to him saying at age 14 that he hated his life, and he particularly hated his family and was only living with us because he was 14 and had nowhere else to go. (and this probably gave me nearly as many sleepless nights as the not-sleeping toddler did).

When they are little you generally know that the hard bits will pass eventually. With a teen, there is no guarantee that the hard bits will ever pass and there is a strong possibility that they may literally shape their later life.

I'm also very conscious that it was somewhere between age 11 and 16, that the relationship with my own parents changed to the point that I would never be close to them as an adult. It's very unlikely that something you do with a young child (short of outright abuse) will have a lasting effect.

How long is that piece of string? The life of a parent with an baby who feeds well and sleeps at night and grows into an easy-going toddler isn't going to bear any comparison to that of the parent of the failure to thrive colicky baby who grows into a high needs anxious tantrummer. Again, being the parent of the occasionally annoying teen is not the same as being the parent of the teen with violent hormone swings, the teen who dabbles (or more than dabbles) in drugs or cuts themselves or needs constant supervision because they are suicidal.
My own life experience (grown up with several siblings, children of my own, large no of nieces & nephews) is that few parents escape trouble altogether. But it doesn't all come at the same time, and we don't all find the same things equally exhausting. Some people are worn down by toddler tantrums, others don't find themselves equally affected. Some need more sleep than others. My brother who is in the merchant navy and has to work very irregular shifts anyway didn't find the broken baby nights came as too much of a shock.
For me, the worst times were a brief spell when dd was tiny and unable to feed, then the years when she was a preteen and school refusing and later when she was a young teen and suicidal.

Wait until the murder of young men where you live, is through the roof and you've suddenly got no way of keeping your sons safe.

Or your DD is living in a DV situation that she isn't ready to leave.

"they can get themselves up and out", if they want to go to school and don't have some of the problems listed.

It doesn't seem to matter how sensible your teen is, if they leave the house, they can end up involved in trouble.

I only have girls and the fight you have to keep their self worth etc going is as draining as any sleepless night.

It doesn't help that for most women, parents are aging and their health/energy is dropping.

Just coming back to this. Despite the 2.30am playtime which is physically exhausting I think I do still find the toddler easier - I just seem to understand him a bit more.

The preteen is a massive puzzle. Why when I ask him to do something does he take great pleasure in doing the complete opposite with an infuriating grin? How come when I spend time and energy organising nice things for him to do, he spends 70% of the time moaning about it making everyone miserable and stressed? It's just so draining and I hardly ever get anything positive back so I feel irritated by him a lot of the time. I would love to change that.

@Ponoka7 yes I agree completely pooka. I am very lucky not to have had those issues or had to have bought my kids up in a neighbourhood with gang violence. Those things outside your control must be terrifying.