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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you talk to him again?

53 replies

Anony95 · 10/10/2019 18:42

I had a crush on him in high school, but he was in the year above me and we never spoke.

Years later, I came across him on tinder and we matched! He seemed so nice. Not a jerk kind of guy, more quiet and surprisingly funny once we started talking. We had SO much in common that he made a joke about us eloping together, and asked me out for a drink Saturday night. We live super close too.

He showed all good signs that he liked me. Turned up on time, sitting close together, a bit of hand touching, laughing so much together and a kiss at the end. We'd spoken about things we want to do together next like a ghost tour, with him saying he'd act scared so he'd get to hold onto me this time.

But after the first date his texting really dyed out, I knew he was busy so didn't worry too much. But after a few days when I asked about his availability for the second date, he said he didn't know when he'd be free cause he has so much to do... Again I was understanding as he's on a stressful placement right now so I told him I understand and it's ok, thinking he'd get back to me about it.... Then that evening, I just had a sense something was off. I looked at his Tinder profile and saw he'd updated his bio that evening.

I messaged him to ask about it, he'd defensive saying "So I can't talk to other girls now?" and telling me we're not together. I never once thought we were now in a relationship but we had such a close connection and here I was sat waiting on his reply for the second date, and he's off looking for someone new. I hate this about modern dating, where no one cares anymore cause who else is just on the next swipe?
I did not expect this from him and it crushed me. I've been in tears for about 2 days now over it. We've stopped talking. He's claiming he's not looking for someone else but also that 'plenty of people are dating multiple people at once'. Yet he never mentioned any of this to me in advance if that's what he's doing.

I just want to settle down, it sounds crazy but I felt he was the one? The amount we had in common was unreal and I felt it was just so perfect that night with him. Is it really never enough if there's a hotter girl he could find online?

He lives just up the street, should I ask to talk in person? I'm struggling to get over him even though this really hurt me that he's looking on tinder instead of focusing on seeing me again (since he's so busy and that's how he's spending his time..)

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 19:14

I want something intense = I crave drama in a relationship that's doomed to fail.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2019 19:14

He wasn't stringing you along.

You talked online together, developed feeling for each other but when it came to the date he realised you weren't the one for him.

He's perfectly entitled to feel like that.

Original poster

Anony95 · 10/10/2019 19:15

No I'm upset and want to share what's happened.
I'm not looking for anyone to tell me to go talk to him, I feel like I shouldn't. I'm upset that he tried to make me look unreasonable when I was just talking to him about what's happening.

He told me in a text the next day that he had fun spending time with me and getting to know me better, and a flirty one about holding onto me when he's acting scared on the ghost tour we'd talked about. I felt manipulated that he said he's busy instead of telling me he's not sure yet, and then telling me that we DO want the same thing and that he's not looking for someone else, when I'd found out he was?

I'm not going to turn up at his door, I'm wondering if it would have been better to talk in person since we actually could, rather than confusing texts that suggested he didn't want to stop seeing me.

As for replies suggesting I'm crazy, my response to you is how is that helpful? Telling someone their feelings are not valid is crazy. I don't believe anyone actually cares for the people they're dating if they're casually dating multiple people at once, and to me, misleading people on purpose is cruel and pointless.

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 10/10/2019 19:16

Wow you sound intense. Sounds like you scared him off.

Secretbadlife · 10/10/2019 19:18

Maybe he just wants a few casual flings or FWB? Think that's basically what tinder is for?

Dawninglory · 10/10/2019 19:19

You should stay off tinder and try a better dating site, that isn't just for hook ups. Shame your school crush didn't feel the same, but don't make a fool of yourself by chasing him.

Stampy84 · 10/10/2019 19:19

Go onto amazon.. look up the book called ‘fuck him’ make a purchase and read it. You won’t regret it- believe me you need this book after what you have been saying..
it’s not about actually physically ‘fucking a man’ more learning and knowing when to say ‘fuck him!’

CormacMcLaggen · 10/10/2019 19:22

He's not said 'I'm not interested' because he's happy enough to have you there in case nothing better comes along (in his eyes). But he's not interested enough to see you for another date. You may have felt a connection, but he didn't.

It's really not worth the drama.

When you meet a nice guy, it just flows easily from one date to another. He's been a dick, yes, but thankfully it's only been one date and you haven't been messed around.

Now you know, you can drop him and keep dating. :)

Oysterbabe · 10/10/2019 19:23

I appreciate you're disappointed but he's not interested. I'm sure he had a pleasant date with you but you aren't what he's looking for. Don't contact him again, walk away before you start to look unhinged.

Doobigetta · 10/10/2019 19:23

What do you want him to say in person that he hasn’t already made clear? It sounds as though you’re holding out to hear that he really does feel as strongly as you, but there is some noble and genuine obstacle holding him back, and if you can only wait/kill the wicked witch who cast a spell on him/whatever, it will be the world’s greatest love story. That’s not going to happen, because it isn’t the case, and if he does tell you that, he’s lying to get rid of you and avoid a scene. Sorry to be harsh, but I suspect we can all see this because we’ve all been there ourselves at some point. Better to be told anonymously by a load of strangers on the internet than by him in person while your dignity slides down your face along with your mascara though.

Ivechanged19 · 10/10/2019 19:28

I learnt the hard way that just because you feel “something” think there’s a “connection” “instant attraction” etc that unfortunately for the other person there might be something missing. I think sometimes we are convinced because we feel it that they must too. Unfortunately not always the case. I do hope
He does but if he’s doesn’t you will eventually meet the person yous both get that feeling with

SprinkleDash · 10/10/2019 19:30

You need to change your approach and your expectations before you end up falling into someone’s trap!

AloeVeraLynn · 10/10/2019 19:31

You need to stop. Telling him all this won't suddenly make him backtrack and apologise and fall over himself to be with you. It sounds like you've gone in way too heavy and freaked him out. The best thing you can do now is move on and learn for next time. You might want something intense but you're not likely to attract a nice, level headed human being when you're seeking a relationship like that.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2019 19:31

But after the first date his texting really dyed out, I knew he was busy so didn't worry too much. But after a few days when I asked about his availability for the second date, he said he didn't know when he'd be free cause he has so much to do

That ^^ was him trying to let you down gently.

He's claiming he's not looking for someone else but also that 'plenty of people are dating multiple people at once'. Yet he never mentioned any of this to me in advance if that's what he's doing.

Because he wasn't doing it. Again, he's trying to let you down gently.

Would you have preferred him to be more brutal?

He's updated his bio and gone back to dating because you are not the one for him.

judithandholofernes · 10/10/2019 19:31

Online dating is savage - you can see when he’s back searching which must hurt.

I met my DH online 6 years ago. We dated for 2 weeks and then he ghosted me, no texts etc. I sent him a big dramatic, completely over the top message saying that I’d give him a week to think about what he wants, I’m an all or nothing kind of person & he’s either in or out, I’m too old for games and that he should take the time to really think about it as he’d regret losing me

How nuts was that??? But it worked. I was just over dating and I knew he was the one. He got in touch a week later and asked me on a date. I let him ghosting me slide.

If you really, really want to give this guy another chance then my advice would be;

Delete tinder completely
Don’t text or contact him for over a week
Find details of the ghost tour and text him a couple of days before asking if he would like to go with you

If he declines then he’s not that into you. If he accepts then don’t mention tinder, don’t ask if he’s dating other women just enjoy your time and decide if he’s the right one for YOU or not.

Good luck & keep us posted

1forAll74 · 10/10/2019 19:37

I think you should just move on now , no contact at all.and for goodness sake, no crying about this. You should have got the measure of this man now anyway.

Stella8686 · 10/10/2019 19:40

I've read your messages and having been on Tinder and POF I understand. Men use these apps completely differently. There are advice columns dedicated to 'how to online date like a man' I try not to get invested after the first date and that isn't who I am. I dated a guy for 3 years who was my first 'match date' on tinder. He was seeing other people at the start and I messed me up but I took a step back and had to realise that's how online dating is! I went on a few dates and I think letting us both see what was out there and deciding we liked each best after all was how it ended up but I did find it a real head fuck as I connect with people really well. I would date other people and try a 'mates vibe' with him. Yes it's not easy being 'cool girl' but you really can't know someone that well after 1 date.

Long story short didn't work out with tinder guy (I broke it off)
Went on POF New Year's Eve, talked to a guy after being 'live' half an hour (talked to other guys too) met him 5 days later and he's been mega keen the whole time, a year later and he's said he would live with me and marry me tomorrow (I'm a slow burner and although I love him he knows I'm not ready) so it can happen!

Bellringer · 10/10/2019 19:46

Just back off, you're not on reality tv. This was a casual date. He owes you nothing. You may bump into him, say hi, be friendly or blank him, your choice. You are spoiling any chance with him by seeming like a bunny boiler. Get on a site for people who want serious relationships. Watch out for intense controlling guys declaring love after five minutes, they often turn out need and, or abusive.

Buyitinbamboo · 10/10/2019 19:52

I'd be wary of wanting intense. Honestly I don't feel like he's done much wrong, and if a man was being as intense as you are being I'd say it was a red flag. I don't mean to be harsh, I understand you are hurting but it isn't a particularly normal way to feel after 1 date.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 10/10/2019 19:53

I agree it must be hurtful to hear that you're acting a bit crazy etc. I think sometimes people don't remember we've all been here, but in a way they're trying to do you a favour in expressing rightly or wrongly that you're coming across as way too OTT.

The thing is with dates is you can portray whoever you want to be. He could have been all the things you thought he was on that date, or he could have been none of them. That's why OLD can be a total mind fuck.

At the end of the day no date is worth getting yourself this upset or contemplative over. The 'one' will be easy, and simple, and wonderful.

KellyHall · 10/10/2019 20:30

Don't waste any more time on him, you could be out there meeting "the (actual) one"!

WWlOOlWW · 10/10/2019 20:50

I stuck to the 'one at a time' dating rule. Other people don't, that's fine but none of people who didn't, wasn't the person for me.

Move on. You are not compatible.

WWlOOlWW · 10/10/2019 20:51

Shit that last message was terrible English!

Tattooedmama · 10/10/2019 21:01

That's way over dramatic crying for 2 days after 1 date.
Forget about him, delete his number because he really isn't into you I'm afraid.
If he was he would have stayed in touch and showed more of an interest after the 1st date.

sparklefarts · 10/10/2019 21:21

OP he is not 'the one' I think you wanted him to be because of the massive crush you had at school?

OP you sound very young, don't get hooked up on this one guy. Take it for what it was, a fun date that turned into nothing. And move on.

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