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Original poster

Would you talk to him again?

53 replies

Anony95 · 10/10/2019 18:42

I had a crush on him in high school, but he was in the year above me and we never spoke.

Years later, I came across him on tinder and we matched! He seemed so nice. Not a jerk kind of guy, more quiet and surprisingly funny once we started talking. We had SO much in common that he made a joke about us eloping together, and asked me out for a drink Saturday night. We live super close too.

He showed all good signs that he liked me. Turned up on time, sitting close together, a bit of hand touching, laughing so much together and a kiss at the end. We'd spoken about things we want to do together next like a ghost tour, with him saying he'd act scared so he'd get to hold onto me this time.

But after the first date his texting really dyed out, I knew he was busy so didn't worry too much. But after a few days when I asked about his availability for the second date, he said he didn't know when he'd be free cause he has so much to do... Again I was understanding as he's on a stressful placement right now so I told him I understand and it's ok, thinking he'd get back to me about it.... Then that evening, I just had a sense something was off. I looked at his Tinder profile and saw he'd updated his bio that evening.

I messaged him to ask about it, he'd defensive saying "So I can't talk to other girls now?" and telling me we're not together. I never once thought we were now in a relationship but we had such a close connection and here I was sat waiting on his reply for the second date, and he's off looking for someone new. I hate this about modern dating, where no one cares anymore cause who else is just on the next swipe?
I did not expect this from him and it crushed me. I've been in tears for about 2 days now over it. We've stopped talking. He's claiming he's not looking for someone else but also that 'plenty of people are dating multiple people at once'. Yet he never mentioned any of this to me in advance if that's what he's doing.

I just want to settle down, it sounds crazy but I felt he was the one? The amount we had in common was unreal and I felt it was just so perfect that night with him. Is it really never enough if there's a hotter girl he could find online?

He lives just up the street, should I ask to talk in person? I'm struggling to get over him even though this really hurt me that he's looking on tinder instead of focusing on seeing me again (since he's so busy and that's how he's spending his time..)

OP posts:
Dljlr · 10/10/2019 18:44

Don't ask to meet! You'll sound bonkers. He's not the one.

worriedandannoyed · 10/10/2019 18:45

He wasn't keen on a second date but was too much of a coward to tell you. Move on and meet someone else x

managedmis · 10/10/2019 18:45

God no

CormacMcLaggen · 10/10/2019 18:45

He's just not that into you. I'm really sorry. Move on, you deserve a guy that reciprocates your interest. Don't message him again, he's made his feelings clear. It sucks, but you need to put it behind you.

pinkyredrose · 10/10/2019 18:47

He's just not that into you.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 18:48

Asking to talk to him will make you look unhinged. You went out on a date. Once. You really need to pull yourself together. He doesn't owe you an explanation for anything.

Mummybares · 10/10/2019 18:48

No dont talk omg hes NOT the one.. you are being too intense and full on. Life is not a rom com.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 10/10/2019 18:49

I mean this gently, but Tinder (and OLD in general) is savage. You can't go into every date thinking it's a dead cert, even if you get on well. I know that sounds bizarre, but you just can't really gauge these situations bar a few special circumstances. Both men and women play the online game - meet up, reel them in, toss them out - hence me calling it savage.

You can't be this emotionally invested with OLD because you're gonna end up wrecked. There is no way you could know this guy was the one, and you definitely shouldn't be in tears two days on from it. Sorry if that sounds cruel, but you need to be a bit more resilient to it - you might meet the one on there, but chances are you're going to meet a bunch of dead ends.

The good news is you've had a first class example of how some people behave in dating, and next time you'll be a bit more laid back about it?

Don't go round there, don't engage with him. He's shown you what he wants, and it's not you.

Zebraaa · 10/10/2019 18:49

It was one date. Have some dignity and walk away.

PinkCrayon · 10/10/2019 18:49

He's not the one.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2019 18:50

He wasn't keen on a second date but was too much of a coward to tell you. Move on and meet someone else x

I don't think it's fair to call him a coward.

He obviously didn't want a second date but perhaps (given the way the OP is coming across), he wanted to let her down gently rather than tell her he's not 'the one'.

Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 18:51

I think you got way too invested in this guy after one date. There is also a good chance he was making up all the things you had in common.

AllFourOfThem · 10/10/2019 18:52

Please don’t talk to him again and definitely don’t go and see him in person. When he wouldn’t arrange a second date he was telling you he wasn’t interested although I know that’s hard to hear when you really like someone. I suspect your childhood crush has made him seem much more than he really is.

underground76 · 10/10/2019 18:53

He doesn't want to see you again. Read the signals. If a man really likes you, he doesn't fob you off by not texting you after your date and giving vague excuses about being 'busy'. I can't believe you didn't take the hint.

Also, you went on ONE DATE and you thought he was 'the one' and are now angry with him because he didn't feel the same way? Bloody hell Confused You need to be a lot less intense.

Candace19 · 10/10/2019 18:55

He's not interested (sorry). There are soooo many more fish in the sea. You are a prize - be with someone that knows that.

multiplemum3 · 10/10/2019 18:55

He's clearly not interested in something as serious as you are. Walk away do not lose any more dignity.

Officesserved · 10/10/2019 19:02

You sound desperate and come across too intense and needy. Step away and focus on yourself for a while

Officesserved · 10/10/2019 19:03

And whatever you do, don’t go knocking on his door. That’s just plain bonkers

user1493413286 · 10/10/2019 19:05

I really don’t see any benefit in meeting him or talking to him any more. I’m sorry to say it but I don’t think he felt the same as you did after your first date so now is the time to back off and move on. It sounds like you really emotionally invested in something that was only really a date; I’ve done similar and I know how hard it is but believe me he isn’t worth it and he’s not the one

Original poster
Anony95 · 10/10/2019 19:06

I'm aware this is intense, and I want something intense. I'm so tired of having to act like a cool-girl who doesn't care and doesn't invest in anyone for months, playing along seeing multiple people who you clearly can't really have real feelings for or you wouldn't be seeing any others.

I have been on other dates and NOT felt anything for them, not invested in them, not assumed anything from it. This one was different, so please cut that attitude and insults out about me needing to wake up and stop being delusional about online dating. This was different and I feel so strung along by him. He wasn't making things up that we had in common at all, you're saying ridiculous things just to be hurtful now. Not helpful.

OP posts:
Dljlr · 10/10/2019 19:09

Wow, that was defensive. What do you want to be told by strangers on the internet? Genuine question. Do you want encouragement to go round there and make yourself look even more desperate? Or to be told he's some kind of arsehole for not wanting to date you again? What are you actually after with this thread, if not to gauge objective opinions (even if you don't like them)?

Officesserved · 10/10/2019 19:10

Well in that case you should totally go knock on his door and TELL HIM ALL ABOUT IT like my 3 years old day. Go for it

Josette77 · 10/10/2019 19:10

What do you want him to say to you? He is rather clearly telling you he's not interested. Even if you have things in common it doesn't make you meant to be. Are you wanting him to tell you he doesn't feel that way about you? If he wanted a second date he would ask. You might have strong feelings for him but he doesn't for you unfortunately. Honestly, I would be freaked out if a guy I had one date with became this intense.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 10/10/2019 19:10

@Anony95 I assume you're replying to my very neutral post which actually had sympathy for you?

Tbh, nobody is being hurtful. People are just telling you how it is, and how it comes across. You're coming across as intense, and we're calling it and saying a lot of people aren't in OLD for that. It's shit to have a nice date and feel that connection and it to come to nothing, but you need to accept it and be a bit more chilled out.

madcatladyforever · 10/10/2019 19:11

Christ get a grip, he was at school and you never spoke, you've been on one date and "he was the one".
You shriek desperation from every pore. If I was him I'd head for the hills.
Also as far as you're concerned this type of behaviour is very dangerous. If you go for the first man who shows you any attention you'll end up with a psycopath.
You need to take things very slowly, get to know people and above all make sure you are safe. Don't just fall for the first person who takes an interest or who pretends to take an interest in you.
Learn to be choosy, let them do the running. They can sense a desperate woman a mile off. Be a bit more classy.
Also he has no interest in you so stop chasing him