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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a dick for finding friend annoying?

55 replies

Omininomini · 10/10/2019 16:51

I feel like she always kind of manipulates a situation to have it her way.
Example: I didn't want to hang out because I had lots of work on and was knackered. So she asked if she could borrow my tent which is a bit odd because she lives right next door to her parents and brothers and they have tents, but okay. I said okay then, but just a warning, I wont be able to hang out or anything because I have lots of work on. She then turned up with a bottle of prosecco because we had just moved. I totally get that this was a lovely gesture, but I think it was also so I would obviously then open it and we would have drinks (which we did).

Now shes been nagging me the past 2 weeks to bring me my tent back - again I guess this is so we can hang out because her house and garage are huge it's not like she has storage problems.

I feel like such a dick and mean but I just always feel quite strong armed into hanging out when really I have 4 or 5 close friends I like to see and put the world to rights over dinner or a pint and other than that I just like to chill by myself, I dont want to be forced to hang out.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/10/2019 16:54

You need to use your words then

Thank you so much for the prosecco friend, have to work now but we can have it next time

Sorry friend I can't lend you my tent

Please bring tent back on x day (when it's convenient to see her)

Start enforcing some boundaries op

Finfintytint · 10/10/2019 16:55

Just suggest a time and a date when you are prepared to meet up.
“ hi, I’m busy in the next few weeks but how about November 21st for a catch up?” ( you may need to add which year Grin

Original poster
Omininomini · 10/10/2019 16:56

I think the truth of it is we just don't have too much in common and I find hanging out with her almost stressful so I avoid it. I feel so bad. It's weird how we break up with romantic partners but with friendships it's much more complex.

OP posts:
Whattodoabout · 10/10/2019 16:56

Sounds like you don’t really like her company very much.

Original poster
Omininomini · 10/10/2019 16:57

Shes a really, really nice woman too. I cant really describe it. I guess we're just not on the same wave length. I dont even really know why she likes me to be honest!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/10/2019 16:58

So phase her out then
It doesn't sound like you want to be her friend

CalmdownJanet · 10/10/2019 16:58

To be fair you could easily have said "Ah lovely thank you, I'll enjoy that at the weekend", when she gave you the prosecco and just put it to one side. Now by opening it and having a drink you are telling her that even when you say you are too busy to hang out that actually you don't really mean it and will hang out with persuasion.

Tell her to bring the tent back but you cannot hang out and then don't, take the tent, pass the time of day and then say "right, thanks for that, I need to be getting on with the things"

Do you actually ever want yo spend time with her? Is that you don't want to ever or that you just want to do it at a time that suits you both?

Chloemol · 10/10/2019 17:03

Just say to her to bring the tent back in th3 next couple of days. You wound be around please just leave it 9n the doorstep, behind the gate, behind the bush or whatever

NoSauce · 10/10/2019 17:03

Hang out? How old are you?

Original poster
Omininomini · 10/10/2019 17:04

@Chloemol
Man that feels so cruel though

OP posts:
Original poster
Omininomini · 10/10/2019 17:04

@NoSauce 30. How old are you?

OP posts:
winterisstillcoming · 10/10/2019 17:05

Just say yeah I'll come round and get the tent, and don't go in.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/10/2019 17:08

Well, what's going to make you feel worse? Politely but firmly declining every time she wants to visit, until she gets the hint, or spending time with her when you would rather do something else?

NoSauce · 10/10/2019 17:08

It doesn’t matter. You don’t use phrases like hanging out!

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2019 17:11

This is a problem of your own making really.

Yes, your friend sounds selfish but the world is full of selfish people. You can't change them, you can only change how you deal with them.

Firstly, "Oh, do your parents and brothers not have their tents?"

Secondly, "We'll have to drink the prosecco another time because as you know, I'm busy and knackered".

If you can't change how you react to people then you'll always get what you've always got.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2019 17:12

It doesn’t matter. You don’t use phrases like hanging out!

Errrm yes she does Confused

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/10/2019 17:12

Can you not just pop in at hers to pick it up on the way to doing something else? That way you can grab the tent and not have to 'hang out'.

Josette77 · 10/10/2019 17:13

Why did you open the bottle? Just say you have to get back to work. You are giving her mixed messaged.

pictish · 10/10/2019 17:18

I can totally relate to this. I have a ‘friend’ who is a nice, kind, intelligent woman but who I just don’t gel with in the way she thinks we do. We don’t like a lot of the same stuff and I find meet ups a bit torturous. I have tried distancing myself but it gets to the point where it would be rude to keep knocking her back because she hasn’t done anything wrong...uncharitably I just cba with her. I have other friends I really treasure who I have little time to see.
I do find her pushy and bossy and she makes it hard to refuse. Fortunately I am not a people pleaser so I don’t endure too much of her any more...I’m just unavailable, probably to the point of rudeness.
How can you tell someone you don’t want to be friends with them? You can’t!

Ragwort · 10/10/2019 17:19

I know what you mean, it can be frustrating when people want to be closer friends than you do, just say you will collect the tent at a time convenient to you, and don’t accept any invitation to ‘hang out’ Grin.

Original poster
Omininomini · 10/10/2019 17:21

@pictish
You are me. Now this sounds incredibly dickish, but I like intense conversation. I like hashing stuff out over a drink, whether it's current affairs or ideas or relationships. With this friend, it isnt like that. Stuff stays at surface level which is how she wants it, but me, I find it just really difficult. I dont actually understand why she doesn't see we dont gel, like you say. I have also tried gently stepping back; but like you say, mine is really nice, and plus of course I have to lend her a tent if she needs one. How can I say no? She lives a 20 minute drive from me so I cant just shove a tent in her hands and say "alright then, bye!"

OP posts:
Ragwort · 10/10/2019 17:23

pictish it’s amazing how some people don’t seem to be able to read social ‘norms’ isn’t it? I’ve also known people who are so pushy about wanting to be friends when it is clear that we have nothing in common. Equally I have met people over the years that I would love to be more ‘friendly’ with but I hope I’ve got the social awareness to realise that they don’t feel the same about me so I can back away gracefully Grin.

NoSauce · 10/10/2019 17:24

Sorry I thought I’d put I not you!

Original poster
Omininomini · 10/10/2019 17:25

@Ragwort
Well exactly. For example me, if I were giving the bottle of fizz, I'd be like "please dont open it now! Enjoy it together some other time, I totally get today you've got a lot of work on".
And re giving back the tent, I would have been like: "hey, I know you're really busy, just to remind you I've still got your tent, so any time you want to come and collect it just let me know :)"

OP posts:
Mightygerbil · 10/10/2019 17:30

It doesn’t matter, you don’t use phrases like hanging out.

Didn’t realise this was forbidden.

Can you try being friendly but very matter of fact ie “ if you’d drop it off between 7 - 9 pm that would be great thanks. “ When she arrives thank her for bringing back the tent and tell her (nicely) you can’t ask her in as you are : ( tired out, have work to do etc etc).