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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a dick for finding friend annoying?

55 replies

Omininomini · 10/10/2019 16:51

I feel like she always kind of manipulates a situation to have it her way.
Example: I didn't want to hang out because I had lots of work on and was knackered. So she asked if she could borrow my tent which is a bit odd because she lives right next door to her parents and brothers and they have tents, but okay. I said okay then, but just a warning, I wont be able to hang out or anything because I have lots of work on. She then turned up with a bottle of prosecco because we had just moved. I totally get that this was a lovely gesture, but I think it was also so I would obviously then open it and we would have drinks (which we did).

Now shes been nagging me the past 2 weeks to bring me my tent back - again I guess this is so we can hang out because her house and garage are huge it's not like she has storage problems.

I feel like such a dick and mean but I just always feel quite strong armed into hanging out when really I have 4 or 5 close friends I like to see and put the world to rights over dinner or a pint and other than that I just like to chill by myself, I dont want to be forced to hang out.

OP posts:
AutumnStory · 10/10/2019 17:33

why not just say "ok, thursday at 7pm but i will be really busy so cant sit and chat". then get DH/someone to greet her at your door and say youre out and get the tent from her? If you made it clear you wouldnt be socialising it shouldnt matter who greets her.

Actionhasmagic · 10/10/2019 17:36

I use the phrase hanging out. What’s wrong with that?

ISawyouinTescoyesterday · 10/10/2019 17:38

I've had to tell a friend to stop being so intrusive this week. She knows I suffer with health issues and is constantly bothering me with essay type texts, telling me she is going away and can meet on such a day when she is back. Or she will text me to say she is in the area and can pop in.
Some people just don't have boundaries and if we don't put them in place ourselves, they will take over every inch of our lives oh and make us feel bad for not being able to meet too!!

quincejamplease · 10/10/2019 17:45

plus of course I have to lend her a tent if she needs one

Not unless you're running a business hiring out camping equipment... Which really should have been mentioned in your op if so.

Some people just don't have boundaries

True of the occasional person, but in most if not all of the examples being shared here it's just that the other person has different boundaries to the one the poster wants for herself.

That's not a flaw in either party, just a mismatch. And the way to address it is clear and assertive communication, not all this passive nonsense and slagging people off online for not being clones of ourselves.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2019 17:48

That's not a flaw in either party, just a mismatch. And the way to address it is clear and assertive communication, not all this passive nonsense and slagging people off online for not being clones of ourselves.

This, absolutely ^^

Be kind but firm and stick to it.

Stop giving mixed messages.

quincejamplease · 10/10/2019 17:49

Or for not reading our minds and guessing that when we agree to open a bottle of prosecco and have a drink with them we're actually resenting them because we didn't want to and will later be heading off online to describe the encounter in enough detail for them to recognise themselves as we invite strangers to bitch about them!

Hahaha88 · 10/10/2019 17:50

Just go and get the tent, if she invites you in say thanks but I'm on my way to x. Use your words for crying out loud. she might not have expected you to invite her in and open the bottle, I wouldn't have had I given you it.

petrocellihouse · 10/10/2019 17:56

You said “we” have just moved house. Why not set a date for her to bring the tent back and then be out and your SO answer the door?

Oblomov19 · 10/10/2019 18:09

Why don't you just tell her you don't want to hang out?
Why tease her and leave her hanging?

yearinyearout · 10/10/2019 18:42

Just text "are you around on Sunday afternoon?" And if she says yes, "oh good, I'm passing yours on the way to xxxx, I'll pop by for the tent"

Mummybares · 10/10/2019 18:45

Theres nothing wrong with saying hang out ffs

Your guilt is making you a doormatt op. You didnt have to open the prosecco.

onceandneveragain · 10/10/2019 18:48

Grin at the idea that the phrase "hanging out" is age-dependent. When is the cut-off, please? If OP is too old at 30, does the switch to "socialising with friends" begin at 25, and when does one graduate from that to "mingling with guests?" Can I "hobnob" with acquaintances at any age or is that reserved for over 50s?

But seriously OP, can't you see you're giving her mixed messages by telling her you're busy then entertaining her when she turns up anyway? A lot of people work on the assumption that people give initial refusals just as a politeness/trying to be good thing but don't really mean it, i.e. "Ooh no I really shouldn't have a piece of cake" - but they'd be annoyed if you said "Ok then!" and took the plate away!

She probably thought "Oh Omini's trying to be good and get the house sorted/do some work but of course she'd much rather be having a drink and a chat really," and then you turn around and do just that, cementing her idea that she was right and spending time with her is preferable to anything else you were doing.

Just tell her that either you'll pick the tent up at a time convenient for you, or, if she really needs the space, you are busy but you'll leave the back gate (or somewhere) ajar and she can drop it off at [time you are at work or can reasonably hide and pretend you are not home].

"I cant just shove a tent in her hands and say "alright then, bye!""
Yes, you can!
"It's rude to not immediately open and share the prosecco"
No it's not!

It would only be unfair if you had told her "Yeah come round we'll have fun!" and then said "sorry change of plans I'm off out, bye." Sticking to what you've said all along is fine - and if she finds it rude and then shuns you, you've got what you wanted anyway, so win-win!

underground76 · 10/10/2019 18:50

I don't understand why you're friends with her, really. You have friends that you like to spend time with - of which she is not one - and other than that you prefer to be on your own. So ... what exactly is she to you? Just an acquaintance or what? You don't really like her company so I don't understand why there is a relationship there at all.

NooneToldMeItWasRaining · 10/10/2019 18:52

When people gave us wine as housewarming gifts i just said thanks and put it to one side for my husband and I to drink later....is the expectation to share?! Ooops! Blush

livefornaps · 10/10/2019 19:02

God it's so hard to make friends these days.

She was probably really pleased you opened the fizz and had a chat and it turns out it bothered you so much you're writing about it online

verytiredandstressed · 10/10/2019 19:35

Just tell her will get the tent when your next passing,Then collect tent & go .
It's true some people there is no chemistry so it's kinda difficult for conversation to flow and some people do not understand when they overstay their welcome.
If I ever pop round to a friend I pop I do not turn up with bottles of Prosecco even after I'm told they are busy it's rude !! but yes you shouldn't of offered her a drink if you don't want to be friends with her you shouldn't care that she's be offended .
Also nothing wrong with saying hang out .

pictish · 10/10/2019 20:36

The way some folks on here pick people up on the phrases they (innocently) use. It’s so pecky and peevish.
Different areas have different terms/colloquialisms/trends in speech. It’s well rude to criticise someone like that.

Sparklfairy · 10/10/2019 21:20

I'm 31 and using the term hanging out Hmm MN is weird sonetimes. Who in their right mind thinks it's okay to police the terms people use!

NoSauce · 10/10/2019 21:24

I’m sorry if it came across as criticising, I didn’t mean it to. I just find it a bit strange but yes you’re right we’re all different with what phrases we use.

Skittlesandbeer · 10/10/2019 22:10

Twice in my adult life I’ve had to bite the bullet and end female friendships. Both times it was because their idea of how often we should interact as mates was light years from mine.

I waited for the next time two ‘catchups’ were suggested with no break in between. I said (both were over the phone, I think that’s best):

‘Look, sorry but I’m going to have to say no. I’ve had the feeling for a while that you and I have very different friendship styles. I’d be happiest catching up around once a month (even less), with a couple of quick chats or texts in between. To tell the truth, that’s really all my life allows for- what with work, family, hobbies and other responsibilities. I can tell you need far more contact and I don’t want to be constantly disappointing you. I like you, and don’t want to hurt you, but it’s just too much for me at this point in my life.’

With one friend, she basically agreed she needed more (yes she wasn’t pleased, but it wasn’t a shouting match either) and stopped calling me.

The other friend kept up the previous level of contact, but I felt far more comfortable letting her go since I’d been clear with her. She got short ‘no’s for a while, then I petered off contact altogether.

It’s kinder to cut them loose so they can spend time and energy finding friends who match their contact preferences. It’s not kinder to string them along. Try the assertive approach, you’ll be surprised how strong and adult it makes you feel. The sky really doesn’t fall in, I promise.

Original poster
Omininomini · 10/10/2019 22:19

Well she came round to give the tent back and them that turned into dinner, now shes just called me because she got a flat tyre on the way home and her car is being taken to the garage and she needs to stay the night

OP posts:
Original poster
Omininomini · 10/10/2019 22:20

This is after 4 hours of just listening to her talk about herself

OP posts:
MamaWeasel · 10/10/2019 22:23

She only lives 20 mins away, could she not get a taxi home?

Original poster
Omininomini · 10/10/2019 22:25

I guess she could, yeah....

OP posts:
PurpleFrames · 10/10/2019 22:26

Have you thought maybe she's lonely?