AIBU to stop talking to my mum over funeral?

[MrsButterBosom]

Ok this will be a long post with background to avoid drip feeding and because this is a genuine question and I need informed opinions!

I’m 34 with 2 DS, DS1 is 13 DS2 is 5, married and have been with DH for 18years so his family is my family and visa versa.

DH’s Dad passed away after an horrific illness 3 yrs ago, he lived a 4hr drive from us & we got a last min call to get up to see him before he passed. Asked mum to have the DGC so we could dash up. Mum refuses as she had her husbands nieces birthday party to go to (her DH never really saw his family, is a loner and had no real relationship with his DN - admitted he was mainly going for the drink and party food!). Luckily my best friend stepped in, despite being a teacher and having her own DC and hectic dogs and had them over night and all the next day.

FiL passes away, again everything is a 4hr drive from us and I ask Mum if she will have the DC so we can attend the funeral. Again she decided it was too much work (she was only 57 at the time and perfectly fit and well) so my little sis stayed at our so we could go. Again it was a massive rush and we had to go up late the night before and then drive home the afternoon after the funeral. Sis left my house in a state, smoked in all the rooms even my own bed knowing I’m a non smoker and stole some small petty items. DH decides she’s never staying in our house again. (Long history of her being a piss take and a theif).

Roll on to now. DH Nan is dying, get a call to drive the 4hrs to say our goodbyes - mum refuses to have the DGC even though it’s a weekend and she’ll be in the whole time, because her friend is coming over. Her friend who lives nearby and could have come the next night because neither of them work. Take the DC with us, get to Farawayshire at 11pm, dash into the hospital with the kids in tow and say our goodbyes. Nan makes it through and is discharged to nursing home for palliative care. Mum goes on holiday for a week and got back 2 days ago. In the meantime Nan has passed and the we get the date for the funeral - next Thursday.

Speak to my Aunty as she also no longer works, has a car and is very active and loves having my boys. She agrees to pick up DC from school the Weds, drop them at Mums and pick them up on the Thurs after school, feed them and put them to bed. We just need Mum to agree to feed them Weds night, put them to bed (she has numbers bought, allegedly for the DGC) and take DS2 to school in the morning on thurs. Mum is known for being lazy so we say we will pay for her to get a cab there and back (the school is a 15 min walk from her house, poss 20 with DS2 little legs). Aunty tells me to let her ask Mum as she is more likely to agree if Aunty asks for her help.

Invited to Mums this afternoon. “Aunty has told me about your plan for the boys and that you would like me to have them Weds night. I’m sorry but I can’t.” Mum then walks away and offers no explanation. I sit at her table and try not to cry. Can’t hold it in so decide to leave and do so nicely. “Sorry Mum, I’m really upset and I don’t want to be here, I’m going home.”

Heard nothing from her since, had a shitty sanctimonious call from Aunty telling me the kids are my responsibility and that Mum doesn’t need to justify herself to me - I didn’t even ASK her to do any such thing. Didn’t even ask what her reason was! Trying to make me feel bad for leaving and that I had no right to be upset. I am very upset. I can’t help it. I only ever ask my mum to help when I’m desperate and she never does. She helps my sister with her kids, especially DN who is clearly her favourite (which I don’t mind at all, DN has a tough home life and horrible dad and deserves all the love and attention she can get) and I feel like it doesn’t matter what goes wrong or how bad it is I can’t rely on my own mum to be there for me.

To falstall the kindly meant advice - we can’t take them with us. DS13 is autistic and won’t go near a cemetery let alone a funeral, there’s no room at the house we’re staying at the night before for them, DS5 is very sensitive and seeing his family crying will really distress him - he’s not of an age yet where I feel comfortable with him being at a funeral - I will be ok with it when he’s older and less anxious. Also we can’t afford a hotel or bnb, the petrol cost alone is going to fuck us over for the whole month. Plus Farawayshire, the part where DH’a family live is tucked away and hotels are almost non existent, let alone bnbs.

So in conclusion - am I allowed to go low to no contact with mum?

Sorry Mum has BUNKBEDS for the DGC, not numbers!

Your DH should go by himself. It’s unfortunate that you don’t have childcare to accompany him but that’s the way it is.

YANBU to feel upset by your mum’s refusal to help out in an emergency and the favouritism she shows to your sister. It was pretty cheeky to make arrangements with your aunt without asking your mum at the time though - just a call to check would have done it. Do whatever you want with contact.

@ThomasRichard - we didn’t make plans without her then expect her to help, we came up with a plan where she would have to do the least in the hope that she would then agree to help. It I’d asked her outright to do the whole thing she wouldn’t never have agreed. I’d hoped that by showing her that I was trying to make things as easy as poss for her that she might soften. :(

tbh knowing that your mum isn't really that keen on babysitting for you, it was probably not the best tactic - especially since your aunt let the cat out of the bag.

Prob best to send DH alone, and work out who you can ask to sit if something else crops up.

Also I should have said that I am very close to MiL and SiL - we chat regularly and go on holiday together without DH or our DC. I’ve just had to break it to MiL that I won’t be there and she’s very upset. DH is on the autistic spectrum himself and openly acknowledges that he finds it hard to be supportive when people are upset. Probably why I’ve built such a close bond with my Family in Law - I’ve taken up most of the emotional slack. Not to say he won’t be a comfort, of course he will, it’s just I’m better with his Mum & Sis and they treat me like I’m
blood. I feel awful that I can’t be there for them as much as I would if it were my own mum!

Tell your Aunt that your mum was neither asked nor offered any explanation why she will not ever take this particular set of grandchildren. Add that you won't be asking eithe rof them for familial assistance again.

Tell your mum exactly how disapoonted and upset you are over her refusal to ever consider helping you out in a family crisis and that, through your aunt, she has made her point you won't ever ask her again.

Then just block them both, for a while, forever. Your choice.

You don't have to dance around her. You don't have to avoid upsetting her. She didn't offer you that courtesy.

But do think over why you asked a third time. What were you hoping would have changed in her attitude that time?

As someone who is very LC with her parents I know how hard it is to look that one directly in the face. But I am immeasurably better of having done so!

Good luck

Why don’t you bring the kids?

I’ve taken mine out of school for less.

OP why have you got two identical threads with two different titles and usernames?

Pity you can't live in Farawayshire .

Does your mum find your older son hard to look after? Or perhaps she's just not a very nice person but this can't be a surprise to you? I certainly wouldn't blame you for going LC

It's rotten of your mum, but just don't ask her again, it's not worth it.

Your DH should go by himself, which is unfortunate but not the end of the world.

Yes, you should limit contact with your mum if you're this upset about it, which is completely understandable.

Hope your Dh is ok too, such a sad situation.

How you deal with this is entirely up to you OP. It's hard to imagine what I'd do as my Mum would drop everything for her grandkids. But I guess if I asked my Dad he'd never step up but knowing that I'd not ask him.

On the one hand life's too short for grudges with family but on the other she seemingly isn't being fair? Although perhaps with your son being autistic she struggles and doesn't know how to talk to you about that?

I think I'd go Low/No contact for a short period, maybe 3-6 months but again, this can cause more drama and is it really worth it?

The best advice I think I can give you is to re-evaluate your mums relationship with your children and what you can rely on her for. I'd say you should completely rule out her being helpful with your children, at least then she's not constantly disappointing you.

And you know what, when she's old and in need of care perhaps your sister can step up and do the majority of it if she's the favourite or at least has the favourite children.

Whatever you do I think it's reasonable as you're hurt and feel unfairly treated. But think carefully and let the emotions fade before doing anything too hasty.

Stop thinking that you can rely on your mother for anything.

She obviously does not want to help, and that is her choice and therefore fine. But it can be your choice to not set yourself up for disappointment.

Plenty of people do not have any support that they can count on. When you don't expect anything you make plans accordingly and spare yourself a lot of heartache.

we didn’t make plans without her then expect her to help, we came up with a plan where she would have to do the least in the hope that she would then agree to help. It I’d asked her outright to do the whole thing she wouldn’t never have agreed. I’d hoped that by showing her that I was trying to make things as easy as poss for her that she might soften.

You absolutely did make plans behind her back and enrolled your Aunt as an accomplice to try and soft soap your mother into agreeing.

Your mother has made it abundantly clear that she is not prepared to help you in any way whatsoever with your children, not generally, not in the case of emergency or death, not ever. I think you need to realise and accept this and try and find and nurture alternatives, even if those alternatives mean professional, paid for outside help. I would also discount your aunt and sister.

What you do about your future relationship with your mother after you have come to terms with this is up to you.

It is a shame that you cannot be there for your MIL and SIL but I am sure they will understand and it is more important that your husband attends the funeral.

Yanbu. Your Auntie is right unfortunately. Personally I would do anything to help my children.
Remember this when your DM is old and frail. Like for like

Firstly op I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it sucks when family don't want to help.
Your husband will unfortunately need to go alone unless a friend can help.
But this is the big thing you need to step back from your mum. Sounds harsh but you keep getting hurt by her and you don't need that. Let her go and just focus on your little family. Good luck x

Your aunt is right, your mom doesn’t have to help. BUT!! your mother is essentially telling you she doesn’t want the kind of close relationship where you help one another in emergencies. It would be perfectly reasonable for you to follow her cues and step back from the relationship a bit.

We had a similar issue with a child with autism and a funeral. All our regular and backup sitters were attending the funeral. Ultimately we decided our dd could handle it and I was able to attend, but I definitely understand having to make the opposite decision.

If you can figure out accommodation, consider all traveling, but have you and the kids skip the actual service. That way you can still be around for the social aspects of the event where you actually have the opportunity to talk with your relatives and offer support.

Your DM is a pain in the arse, and, as a fellow sufferer from a very similar situation, all I can tell you that it will never change. Minimum contact is the best you can do for your own sanity and perhaps moving closer to your in laws (saved my sanity). Also, a firm "NO!" to look forward to once she inevitably needs your help as a frail old woman is something to practice.

Need to address the duplicate thread! Opened up chrome on my phone and it automatically logged me in under an old username that I thought I didn’t have the password for. Tried to post the thread and it said I wasn’t able to post - which is when I realised it was my old account so logged out and assumed thread hadn’t posted Little did I know it’s been busy getting replies and I had no idea until a MumsnetHQ email came through! Have deleted old account and explained situ on previous thread.

OP, I’ve also done the four drive to say goodbye to a loved one, in-laws and my family. It’s a horrible drive

Can a friend have the kids? Or two friends? Each have a sleepover at a friends? I know it’s a school night but it is a Thursday and nearly half term so all the kids can recover from the ‘excitement’. If you can’t do a sleepover, I think you have to let your DH go on his own. However, if you take the day off, you could video call your MIL and SIL before the funeral and chat with them. Then call them after the wake has finished and check in with them.

This sucks. Your Mom is making it very easy for you to be NC. I would try to enlist a friend to help.

I'd go low contact with her.

Take the kids with you.

Take your kids with you?

Why are people saying take the kids when OP has said she can't.

@MrsButterBosom has explained, in a subsequent post, the good reasons why she cannot take her children to the funeral, @hopeishere and @Witchinaditch.

If you click on the little v next to Talk, at the top of the page, you can highlight all the OP’s posts on the tread, so you can easily spot their updates.