Ok this will be a long post with background to avoid drip feeding and because this is a genuine question and I need informed opinions!
I’m 34 with 2 DS, DS1 is 13 DS2 is 5, married and have been with DH for 18years so his family is my family and visa versa.
DH’s Dad passed away after an horrific illness 3 yrs ago, he lived a 4hr drive from us & we got a last min call to get up to see him before he passed. Asked mum to have the DGC so we could dash up. Mum refuses as she had her husbands nieces birthday party to go to (her DH never really saw his family, is a loner and had no real relationship with his DN - admitted he was mainly going for the drink and party food!). Luckily my best friend stepped in, despite being a teacher and having her own DC and hectic dogs and had them over night and all the next day.
FiL passes away, again everything is a 4hr drive from us and I ask Mum if she will have the DC so we can attend the funeral. Again she decided it was too much work (she was only 57 at the time and perfectly fit and well) so my little sis stayed at our so we could go. Again it was a massive rush and we had to go up late the night before and then drive home the afternoon after the funeral. Sis left my house in a state, smoked in all the rooms even my own bed knowing I’m a non smoker and stole some small petty items. DH decides she’s never staying in our house again. (Long history of her being a piss take and a theif).
Roll on to now. DH Nan is dying, get a call to drive the 4hrs to say our goodbyes - mum refuses to have the DGC even though it’s a weekend and she’ll be in the whole time, because her friend is coming over. Her friend who lives nearby and could have come the next night because neither of them work. Take the DC with us, get to Farawayshire at 11pm, dash into the hospital with the kids in tow and say our goodbyes. Nan makes it through and is discharged to nursing home for palliative care. Mum goes on holiday for a week and got back 2 days ago. In the meantime Nan has passed and the we get the date for the funeral - next Thursday.
Speak to my Aunty as she also no longer works, has a car and is very active and loves having my boys. She agrees to pick up DC from school the Weds, drop them at Mums and pick them up on the Thurs after school, feed them and put them to bed. We just need Mum to agree to feed them Weds night, put them to bed (she has numbers bought, allegedly for the DGC) and take DS2 to school in the morning on thurs. Mum is known for being lazy so we say we will pay for her to get a cab there and back (the school is a 15 min walk from her house, poss 20 with DS2 little legs). Aunty tells me to let her ask Mum as she is more likely to agree if Aunty asks for her help.
Invited to Mums this afternoon. “Aunty has told me about your plan for the boys and that you would like me to have them Weds night. I’m sorry but I can’t.” Mum then walks away and offers no explanation. I sit at her table and try not to cry. Can’t hold it in so decide to leave and do so nicely. “Sorry Mum, I’m really upset and I don’t want to be here, I’m going home.”
Heard nothing from her since, had a shitty sanctimonious call from Aunty telling me the kids are my responsibility and that Mum doesn’t need to justify herself to me - I didn’t even ASK her to do any such thing. Didn’t even ask what her reason was! Trying to make me feel bad for leaving and that I had no right to be upset. I am very upset. I can’t help it. I only ever ask my mum to help when I’m desperate and she never does. She helps my sister with her kids, especially DN who is clearly her favourite (which I don’t mind at all, DN has a tough home life and horrible dad and deserves all the love and attention she can get) and I feel like it doesn’t matter what goes wrong or how bad it is I can’t rely on my own mum to be there for me.
To falstall the kindly meant advice - we can’t take them with us. DS13 is autistic and won’t go near a cemetery let alone a funeral, there’s no room at the house we’re staying at the night before for them, DS5 is very sensitive and seeing his family crying will really distress him - he’s not of an age yet where I feel comfortable with him being at a funeral - I will be ok with it when he’s older and less anxious. Also we can’t afford a hotel or bnb, the petrol cost alone is going to fuck us over for the whole month. Plus Farawayshire, the part where DH’a family live is tucked away and hotels are almost non existent, let alone bnbs.
So in conclusion - am I allowed to go low to no contact with mum?