AIBU to never speak to my mum again?

[FrillyPig]

Ok this will be a long post with background to avoid drip feeding and because this is a genuine question and I need informed opinions!

I’m 34 with 2 DS, DS1 is 13 DS2 is 5, married and have been with DH for 18years so his family is my family and visa versa.

DH’s Dad passed away after an horrific illness 3 yrs ago, he lived a 4hr drive from us & we got a last min call to get up to see him before he passed. Asked mum to have the DGC so we could dash up. Mum refuses as she had her husbands nieces birthday party to go to (her DH never really saw his family, is a loner and had no real relationship with his DN - admitted he was mainly going for the drink and party food!). Luckily my best friend stepped in, despite being a teacher and having her own DC and hectic dogs and had them over night and all the next day.

FiL passes away, again everything is a 4hr drive from us and I ask Mum if she will have the DC so we can attend the funeral. Again she decided it was too much work (she was only 57 at the time and perfectly fit and well) so my little sis stayed at our so we could go. Again it was a massive rush and we had to go up late the night before and then drive home the afternoon after the funeral. Sis left my house in a state, smoked in all the rooms even my own bed knowing I’m a non smoker and stole some small petty items. DH decides she’s never staying in our house again. (Long history of her being a piss take and a theif).

Roll on to now. DH Nan is dying, get a call to drive the 4hrs to say our goodbyes - mum refuses to have the DGC even though it’s a weekend and she’ll be in the whole time, because her friend is coming over. Her friend who lives nearby and could have come the next night because neither of them work. Take the DC with us, get to Farawayshire at 11pm, dash into the hospital with the kids in tow and say our goodbyes. Nan makes it through and is discharged to nursing home for palliative care. Mum goes on holiday for a week and got back 2 days ago. In the meantime Nan has passed and the we get the date for the funeral - next Thursday.

Speak to my Aunty as she also no longer works, has a car and is very active and loves having my boys. She agrees to pick up DC from school the Weds, drop them at Mums and pick them up on the Thurs after school, feed them and put them to bed. We just need Mum to agree to feed them Weds night, put them to bed (she has numbers bought, allegedly for the DGC) and take DS2 to school in the morning on thurs. Mum is known for being lazy so we say we will pay for her to get a cab there and back (the school is a 15 min walk from her house, poss 20 with DS2 little legs). Aunty tells me to let her ask Mum as she is more likely to agree if Aunty asks for her help.

Invited to Mums this afternoon. “Aunty has told me about your plan for the boys and that you would like me to have them Weds night. I’m sorry but I can’t.” Mum then walks away and offers no explanation. I sit at her table and try not to cry. Can’t hold it in so decide to leave and do so nicely. “Sorry Mum, I’m really upset and I don’t want to be here, I’m going home.”

Heard nothing from her since, had a shitty sanctimonious call from Aunty telling me the kids are my responsibility and that Mum doesn’t need to justify herself to me - I didn’t even ASK her to do any such thing. Didn’t even ask what her reason was! Trying to make me feel bad for leaving and that I had no right to be upset. I am very upset. I can’t help it. I only ever ask my mum to help when I’m desperate and she never does. She helps my sister with her kids, especially DN who is clearly her favourite (which I don’t mind at all, DN has a tough home life and horrible dad and deserves all the love and attention she can get) and I feel like it doesn’t matter what goes wrong or how bad it is I can’t rely on my own mum to be there for me.

To falstall the kindly meant advice - we can’t take them with us. DS13 is autistic and won’t go near a cemetery let alone a funeral, there’s no room at the house we’re staying at the night before for them, DS5 is very sensitive and seeing his family crying will really distress him - he’s not of an age yet where I feel comfortable with him being at a funeral - I will be ok with it when he’s older and less anxious. Also we can’t afford a hotel or bnb, the petrol cost alone is going to fuck us over for the whole month. Plus Farawayshire, the part where DH’a family live is tucked away and hotels are almost non existent, let alone bnbs.

So in conclusion - am I allowed to go low to no contact with mum over this?

Firstly for all the sadness you've had of late.

You'll prob get people coming on in a mo saying "but they are your responsibility" etc but I would be just as upset as you. I'm not sure if it's a no contact situation though unless there is additional issues and a backstory. Unfortunately she has made her feeling on helping you with childcare clear so asking her is only going to lead to disappointment. Just remember this in future because there will come a time one day when she all need you. If it's something you don't want to do, then you can just say no. No explanation, no guilt

Could Youre DH go on his own? Maybe you're dm feels overwhelmed with you're dc clutching at straws?

Hi Frilly,

I am so sorry you are feeling so frustrated and upset with your mother. Not all mothers are helpful and it doesn't sound like your mother is a natural giver. It looks like your expectations and your mothers interest/willingness to help don't really fit which is causing you a lot of anguish. I can understand you wanting your mother to help but if she doesn't want to, there's not a lot you can do. You are banging your head against the wall with this one I'm afraid.

I don't think anyone can give you permission to see less of your mum over this but from a practical point of view, is this an occasion where your husband has to go alone because you don't have the childcare? Are you able to explore some other possibilities for future childcare if you need it, not easy, I know when you have a child with special needs?

In an ideal world you'd have a grown up conversation with your Mum about why she never wants to look after her grandchildren - a conversation where no one gets upset/offended/petty and you just both try to understand where you each are coming from.

It's happened so often, that I'm guessing she's made a deliberate decision not to look after them, for whatever reason. Maybe she once did and it didn't go well?

You'll probably have a good idea of whether it is possible to have a constructive conversation with her. It's not possible to have that conversation with everyone. Some people just never grew up enough, and get defensive, sadly. Would she just get offended and deny it? Is she like that?

Send Dh on his own, your Mum is being a bit nasty as is your Aunties message.
Stop asking them for anything, they are not supportive of you at all.

That is an awful situation and I’m sorry now that you have to try figure this out. I’m not sure if it will be that beneficial for you to go non contact over this though, usually it’s better when someone is abusive or toxic as such rather than just unwilling to help. I suppose only you can make the call on how it will make you feel in the long run. I do understand your feelings though and I’m sorry she isn’t more helpful in the circumstances, especially when she is with other family members. I certainly would be bothered by it too especially in the situation it is. It sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment!

She has made it clear she doesn’t want to look after your children, it’s pants and I would be upset, but she has made it very clear.
It would be a double blow if DH was to also miss his grandmothers funeral. Can he go alone? It’s crap, but it won’t be like this forever

I'm really sorry for your losses but the explanation is probably in the last part. Your mum might feel overwhelmed given the that you have one autistic and one sensitive child?

Probably the best thing would be for your DH to go up alone, unfortunately
(mums don't have to do babysitting if they don't want.)

Just go low contact. I am not sure she will notice, she has never helped out so every time you expect her to you will be disappointed.

Your husband can go on his own.
Stay with your children and distance yourself from someone who constantly falls short of your expectation.

Your mum will never be a help to you, and sadly that's something you need to come to terms with. If you don't wish to speak to her anymore, then that's what you should do.

As for the funeral, stay home with the children and let your husband go. It's the most sensible option. Your in-laws will understand, I'm sure.

Dont ask them for help again. Yes your kids your responsiblity but its not as if you want her to keep them all weekend so you can go on the piss. The only one who can really decide if you want to go no contact or low contact is you. It doss sound a bit like no contact for a while with any of them might do you a bit of good but. They cant support you when all you want to do is go to a funeral of someone you have known for a long time and are part of the family. I dont think yabu to cut contact even just for a short while. Sorry for your loss x

Send your husband and you stay at home with the kids. You can't make someone watch the kids but as a grandparent you'd think she would make the exception when it came to deaths in your family. If she isn't that bothered about your children I would go low contact.

I can see why you are upset and frustrated but I do agree with your aunt on this one. It would be lovely to be able to rely on your mums support at difficult times like these but I think she's made it quite clear from all the times you've asked that for whatever reason she wont/can't do it. My MIL died last month at the other end of the country, we had to take our children out of school and take them with us for the funeral as my mum has Parkinsons and my dad still works full time so no other choice. If we had been unable to take the children our of school OH would have had to have gone by himself. I think you are over-reacting to never speak to your mum again because she wont drop everything to cover your childcare needs whenever there is a crisis.

Do you think that your mum may be concerned that she couldn't cope with ds1 due to his autism?
I ask because my mum is like this with my ds (asd and adhd) but not dd (nt) it really hurts and is the main reason I'm nc with her.
I know that knowing why doesn't make it any better but understand can help you accept that you can't fix it and move on with your life

Your Mum has made it clear plenty of times that she doesn't want to look after your children for whatever reason. Right or wrong, it is her choice, not one I would make but she's got every right to say no.

It's a horrible situation for you. I think if I were you I'd send your DH on his own and look after the children. I'd also go low contact with your Mum.

It’s sad your DM couldn’t step in to help during difficult times. As it sounds like you don’t ask for help very often. However I can understand her probably being a little pissed off that she finds out you and your auntie have come up with a plan to manage you going to the funeral without asking her first. Given she hasn’t helped before I am unsure what made you think she would this time and you hadn’t asked her. Anyway it seems you have other issues with your DM and I would be going LC

Surprised how many people are saying the aunt is right. Of course the kids are not your Mum's responsibility. But normal people give reasonable help and support to their friends and family.

Just saying 'no' without giving as reason (or giving a very thin excuse) is not normal behaviour. It's weird. A little hostile, even.

An analogy. If you wanted something off the top shelf from a supermarket, and you asked a tall person next to you, and then just looked at you and said 'no', what would you think? Would you think "well, of course, they have no obligation to help me", or would you think "what an unbelievable wanker"???

Heartfelt sympathy. It's awful when funerals and other sad or important events happen and you have no-one to support you. Even the least granny maternal type amongst us I think usually accept that family funerals are a time when you have to step up. If your mother doesn't feel that then I'm afraid there isn't anything you can do about it.
The one thing I am wondering is what your mother's husband is like? Could he be the unwelcoming one who won't help or 'allow' your mother to? I'm wondering this due to your aunt's response after your mum refused any help. We don't always know what goes on in other people's relationships and I'm wondering whether your mother has confided in your aunt that her husband is being awkward about having the kids. If your aunt knows more about what goes on in your mother's house than you it may explain why she was willing to take on the children for you for most of the planned time away rather than relying on your mum. If your mum has quietly confided in your aunt but doesn't want you to know, it would explain your aunt's attitude.

Just a thought op. Good luck with getting some arrangements in place. As I've said...these are the kind of circumstances where normally and friend or family member would help you out.

I don't think yrbu , her excuses are just that excuses. If she has a valid reason then she should tell you what it is so that you can deal with it. In your shoes I would tempted to go lc and not have any expectations. Sorry for your recent losses.

OK really? nobody else thinks that the autism is a thing that the mum feels she can't handle? Of course it would be great if the mum would step up but she is not obliged to do so and if it makes her uncomfortable you can't force her.

(also are there 2 of these situations, or are there 2 threads?)

I think you need some space from each other. But don’t commit yourself to LC/ NC yet

OP why have you got two identical threads with two different titles and usernames?

I would be very upset too op.

I go on my own to my family funerals, and DH goes on his own to his. We don't have any options for childcare so this is the way it has to be.

Can your dh go on his own?

She doesn't seem to have any interest in your children and I can't understand why she wouldnt give you any explanation of why she won't look after them. Surely a loving mother wouldn't do this.

If I were you I would call her and ask her why she feels this way. And then make a decision about contact.

I am intrigued why you asked if you are "allowed" to go LC or NC with her. Are there other reasons for you wanting to do this? From what you have said I would be surprised if there wasn't...

I wouldn’t cut her off but I also would have realised after the first time she’s a lost cause and make sure I treat her as she treats me.

I think you and children have to stay at home while dh goes, sadly.