AIBU to never speak to my mum again?

[FrillyPig]

Ok this will be a long post with background to avoid drip feeding and because this is a genuine question and I need informed opinions!

I’m 34 with 2 DS, DS1 is 13 DS2 is 5, married and have been with DH for 18years so his family is my family and visa versa.

DH’s Dad passed away after an horrific illness 3 yrs ago, he lived a 4hr drive from us & we got a last min call to get up to see him before he passed. Asked mum to have the DGC so we could dash up. Mum refuses as she had her husbands nieces birthday party to go to (her DH never really saw his family, is a loner and had no real relationship with his DN - admitted he was mainly going for the drink and party food!). Luckily my best friend stepped in, despite being a teacher and having her own DC and hectic dogs and had them over night and all the next day.

FiL passes away, again everything is a 4hr drive from us and I ask Mum if she will have the DC so we can attend the funeral. Again she decided it was too much work (she was only 57 at the time and perfectly fit and well) so my little sis stayed at our so we could go. Again it was a massive rush and we had to go up late the night before and then drive home the afternoon after the funeral. Sis left my house in a state, smoked in all the rooms even my own bed knowing I’m a non smoker and stole some small petty items. DH decides she’s never staying in our house again. (Long history of her being a piss take and a theif).

Roll on to now. DH Nan is dying, get a call to drive the 4hrs to say our goodbyes - mum refuses to have the DGC even though it’s a weekend and she’ll be in the whole time, because her friend is coming over. Her friend who lives nearby and could have come the next night because neither of them work. Take the DC with us, get to Farawayshire at 11pm, dash into the hospital with the kids in tow and say our goodbyes. Nan makes it through and is discharged to nursing home for palliative care. Mum goes on holiday for a week and got back 2 days ago. In the meantime Nan has passed and the we get the date for the funeral - next Thursday.

Speak to my Aunty as she also no longer works, has a car and is very active and loves having my boys. She agrees to pick up DC from school the Weds, drop them at Mums and pick them up on the Thurs after school, feed them and put them to bed. We just need Mum to agree to feed them Weds night, put them to bed (she has numbers bought, allegedly for the DGC) and take DS2 to school in the morning on thurs. Mum is known for being lazy so we say we will pay for her to get a cab there and back (the school is a 15 min walk from her house, poss 20 with DS2 little legs). Aunty tells me to let her ask Mum as she is more likely to agree if Aunty asks for her help.

Invited to Mums this afternoon. “Aunty has told me about your plan for the boys and that you would like me to have them Weds night. I’m sorry but I can’t.” Mum then walks away and offers no explanation. I sit at her table and try not to cry. Can’t hold it in so decide to leave and do so nicely. “Sorry Mum, I’m really upset and I don’t want to be here, I’m going home.”

Heard nothing from her since, had a shitty sanctimonious call from Aunty telling me the kids are my responsibility and that Mum doesn’t need to justify herself to me - I didn’t even ASK her to do any such thing. Didn’t even ask what her reason was! Trying to make me feel bad for leaving and that I had no right to be upset. I am very upset. I can’t help it. I only ever ask my mum to help when I’m desperate and she never does. She helps my sister with her kids, especially DN who is clearly her favourite (which I don’t mind at all, DN has a tough home life and horrible dad and deserves all the love and attention she can get) and I feel like it doesn’t matter what goes wrong or how bad it is I can’t rely on my own mum to be there for me.

To falstall the kindly meant advice - we can’t take them with us. DS13 is autistic and won’t go near a cemetery let alone a funeral, there’s no room at the house we’re staying at the night before for them, DS5 is very sensitive and seeing his family crying will really distress him - he’s not of an age yet where I feel comfortable with him being at a funeral - I will be ok with it when he’s older and less anxious. Also we can’t afford a hotel or bnb, the petrol cost alone is going to fuck us over for the whole month. Plus Farawayshire, the part where DH’a family live is tucked away and hotels are almost non existent, let alone bnbs.

So in conclusion - am I allowed to go low to no contact with mum over this?

One day op she will need you..
In your shoes I would be washing my hair that day....
As a dm I bend over backwards for my dc - even the adult ones.
Because imo that's what you do...
Sorry your family are so crappy op.

I just don't get Grandma's that don't want to watch their grandchildren, and I say that as a Grandma, but some people are weird.

My DGC is autistic, I spend time with him getting to know all the things he likes/dislikes and he isn't strange with me at all. And I work. She doesn't really have an excuse except she doesn't want to.

I would initiate as little contact as possible with her, as she really doesn't seem interested. Am sorry for your loss, but seems your husband will have to go himself.

I think she is pretty selfish for not helping her daughter in an emergency.

This won't be a popular response but in my opinion your children are old enough to go to a funeral, I had my 4 year old at a family funeral. And frankly your in laws should be able to cope with your eldest being around, he is their family. Worst case if you can't find a sitter why can't your husband go by himself. You are not entitled to on demand babysitting, your mother is not obliged to be avaivlbe for you.

Hi all - I’m actually OP! Mumsnet let me know that this thread posted when I thought it hadn’t! I was logged into an old account which I’ve actually just deleted as we’re only allowed the one. I’ve posted pretty much the same under current name so will have to find and delete that thread. Oops!

So DS13 is what used to be described as High Functioning - I know that many people on the spectrum don’t agree with this term so I apologise but it gets across his situation pretty accurately. He worships his nana, my mum and as he’s 13 she’s actually happy to have him more than DS2 because he will literally spend the whole time on his phone so she doesn’t have to do anything with him - which suits them both. So this time his being on the spectrum isn’t an issue.

Mums DH is pretty relaxed and is fine with all the DGC. He has a good relationship with DS1 and buys him books and things he think he will be interested in.

I guess me deciding to go low/no contact is because for me this is just the latest in years of Mum not being there for me, not just with childcare, but she’s pretty crappy with emotional support too. I’ll tell her things and I can see she’s just not interested. She gives bad advice and tells my Aunty everything even when I ask her not too. She lets my sisters horrific behaviour slide and yet is happy to come running to cry on me when she’s on the receiving end of it. When I told her of my MH diagnosis a few years ago she refused to believe me and accused me of lying. Which she’s done several times since. In the end I had to screen shot my online medical records showing the diagnosis! Didn’t get an apology for that.

Ultimately I’m upset as MiL drove the 4hrs to us when my Grandma passed away to have the boys so me and my family could grieve without worrying about where the boys were and what they were up to. It’s a stressful and emotional day and as much as I’ll get flamed for this, it’s much easier to deal with when you’re not also focused on trying to keep two very different children happy. Yes I understand that I’m not entitled to any babysitting from my mum - I only ever ask her when it’s important and I have literally no one else to ask. Such as this situ. And she keeps on letting me down. :( Is is really so unreasonable to ask your own mum, who lives 20mins round the corner to watch her DGC so you can go to a funeral?! If that’s not a good enough reason then what is?

I’m sorry for the bereavements you have suffered.

However your mother is perfectly entitled not to look after your children if she doesn’t want to. She has done her parenting years.

You seem to assume if you keep asking the same question you will get the answer what you want, which is for her to provide free emergency childcare.

The latest attempt to manoeuvre her into arrangements with your aunt was naughty and bound to backfire.

In some ways I admire her boundaries: she has been clear. It’s often said on MN that no is a complete sentence. She has said no multiple times and you are not listening.

I’m always surprised at the number of posters who assume that their parents should offer free childcare and are put out when it’s not forthcoming. Some of my friends parents are very involved GPs and some are quite distant. Everyone had the right to choose what type of GP they want to be.

So respect her choice and make alternative arrangements. I don’t think it’s worth going low contact over as it would primarily be from pique.

Xpost with OP - she is who she is and she’s not going to change. If she’s rubbish at emotional support then stop asking her for it.

Is it possible your DM cannot cope with your autistic son but does not want to say this?

If not then DH goes to funeral on his own and you go Low Contact with your family. Don;t ask for anything and make yourself unavailable.

My grandparents were like this. They never looked after any of us grandkids, even in times of terrible tragedy like sudden deaths and terminal illness.I can't speak for my sibling cousins, but I know it affected how I felt about them. They were distant and cold.

Despite this, in their dotage they were terribly entitled and expected their children to drop everything to run them to hospital appointments, do jobs around the house, run them to the supermarket etc...

They'll never be the person they want you to be OP, you have to accept that. Don't expect anything from her, and just make a mental note never to give her any help when she's elderly and struggling.

Nope. YANBU in the least OP. Not at all.
I'd add your sister to the equation.

You can't make her care but if the time comes when she asks for help i would make up some bullshit excuse as to why you can't.

I think KingaRoo has the right idea. Talk to her about why she refuses to watch them first, not as a basis for a decision but so you won't be left wondering why. People go LC or NC for all sorts of reasons. If it's just a simple case of a parent snubbing your kids, that is perfectly valid.

You cant make her be the kind of mother that you need and want, equally she cant make you be the kind of daughter that she needs and wants
I know you're pissed off now but this means that when she's old you wont have to lift a finger or put yourself out in any way, it's a blessing in disguise, you wont have to compromise your life for her at all :o

That's bloody awful, I feel for you.

Personally I would only have contact if she instigated the contact, I wouldn't be contacting her first. I have a new rule of late where I do not "chase" anyone, if someone knows my number and doesn't reach out to me ever, I no longer reach out to them.

My mum and I have a great relationship (not trying to upset you further) but if your mum can't be even the smallest bit supportive then stop doing "the leg work".

I would let the husband go alone, just so as to avoid needing to rely on people who don't seem at all reliable. I know sending him alone isn't ideal but he will have the rest of his family there when he arrives, so the best solution is probably for you to stay home with the kids.

YANBU. Your mother is a nasty selfish bitch.

Of course you know your own children are your responsibility but decent people and families help each other out if they can and it’s needed.

OP what a dreadful run you've had. My sympathies to you and your DH. I would agree with those who say your mum is being very unhelpful and hurtful. I was in the same boat with my mum from the moment my kids were born until her death. I have no idea why some mums are so unmaternal in their older age when they were perfectly amazing mums when we were little. But you have reached out a few times, she has rejected helping you those times. She isn't going to change. It might be worth asking directly why she won't help. Make her face up to her behaviour. But if you go NC I think you'll think about her all the time, so that won't help you either. Others say you won't need to help her when she's older and infirm, but if you're like me, you'd still do anything for her and you will help. Tit for tat is a fool's game, so in the future just do what makes you feel good. Sorry it's so shit.

Is she my Mum?! She pulled this shit when MIL died. She did have our DS in the end when we were clearing out MILs house - 2 hours away - but rang me to ask when I would be home as she needed to do the ironing???? Oh sorry yes I'll jump in the car immediately and leave my grieving husband and a 4 bedroom house!

So sorry for you. It's shit isn't it.

Tit for tat is a fool's game
really??
If someone treats you badly you just turn the other cheek?
Isnt that what people with low self esteem and poor boundaries do?

I never understand it when people say she's done her parenting years and therefore has no obligation to help with dgc. For me, parenting is a forever commitment - I don't believe the obligation to help my kids stops when they are 18!

No it's what people with high self esteem and self worth do.

YANBU. If you cant rely on your parents in an emergency ever, then im not sure the point. I mean, are you close, and get on and have a lovely time apart from this, or does she want you to see her for duty, but doesnt feel any duty to help you?
Id be very very hurt.
I think your dh should go alone

Although I personally think mum is being selfish not helping with DGC at such a torrid time for you and your family. Life is short, don't waste precious years not speaking. My mum has just died, and it's horrible. Although she's upset you look past that, be the bigger person and keep your mum in your life, maybe on your terms and don't set yourself up for disappointment as she obviously for whatever reason doesn't want to look after the children, share common ground..xxx

OP, I am so sorry for your family's loss.

Of course, your children are your responsibility, blah blah, but I am so sad that your mother won't help you out in an emergency. My mum bends over backwards to help me when I'm in a bind, as I do her, and the way your mother treats you and your children is so alien to me.

It sounds as if your only option is for your DH to go to the funeral alone. Meanwhile, I certainly would find your mother's (and your aunt's) behaviour unforgivable and would absolutely go NC. If you choose not to help your child out of a real bind when you are perfectly capable of doing so, you obviously just don't care.

I have not been in proper contact with my mum for over a year. In this time my husband has left me and I have had to deal with some harsh stuff on my own.

You can't chose your parents but can use them as an example of how not to be as a parent x

So, 3 years ago when your FIL died your children were aged 10 and 2 and the oldest is autistic. I can understand why your DM might decide they would be too much of a handful deal with. Even though they are now 13 and 5, your DM might find it difficult to deal with them.

If she helps with your niece is that because it is just the one child? Do you think she cannot cope with two children or could it be that she struggles with your autistic child? Does she just find it harder to cope with boys?

I find it odd that she hasn't given you a reason why but, there again, as she said no 3 years ago, I wouldn't have expected her to say yes this time. I wouldn't have asked.

What is she normally like with your children?

I wouldn't go NC or LC over this but I would hope to be able to find out why she doesn't want to look after the children. It depends on how your relationship is with your DM generally.

Never speaking to your DM again isn't a decision to take lightly.

I've just read your update and see that your autistic son isn't a problem for her. You do mention your very different children so could it be that she struggles because if that, the large difference in age and therefore behaviour?

What was her relationship like with her parents? Maybe she is experiencing difficulty in being emotionally supportive because she didn't have role models in her parents.

I have a challenging relationship with my DM. I can't have a proper heart to heart with her but I know it is due to abuse in her background that she couldn't cope with so I will always need to make allowances for her. Maybe your DM can't help how she is and is as supportive as she possibly can be.