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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to never speak to my mum again?

78 replies

FrillyPig · 10/10/2019 15:41

Ok this will be a long post with background to avoid drip feeding and because this is a genuine question and I need informed opinions!

I’m 34 with 2 DS, DS1 is 13 DS2 is 5, married and have been with DH for 18years so his family is my family and visa versa.

DH’s Dad passed away after an horrific illness 3 yrs ago, he lived a 4hr drive from us & we got a last min call to get up to see him before he passed. Asked mum to have the DGC so we could dash up. Mum refuses as she had her husbands nieces birthday party to go to (her DH never really saw his family, is a loner and had no real relationship with his DN - admitted he was mainly going for the drink and party food!). Luckily my best friend stepped in, despite being a teacher and having her own DC and hectic dogs and had them over night and all the next day.

FiL passes away, again everything is a 4hr drive from us and I ask Mum if she will have the DC so we can attend the funeral. Again she decided it was too much work (she was only 57 at the time and perfectly fit and well) so my little sis stayed at our so we could go. Again it was a massive rush and we had to go up late the night before and then drive home the afternoon after the funeral. Sis left my house in a state, smoked in all the rooms even my own bed knowing I’m a non smoker and stole some small petty items. DH decides she’s never staying in our house again. (Long history of her being a piss take and a theif).

Roll on to now. DH Nan is dying, get a call to drive the 4hrs to say our goodbyes - mum refuses to have the DGC even though it’s a weekend and she’ll be in the whole time, because her friend is coming over. Her friend who lives nearby and could have come the next night because neither of them work. Take the DC with us, get to Farawayshire at 11pm, dash into the hospital with the kids in tow and say our goodbyes. Nan makes it through and is discharged to nursing home for palliative care. Mum goes on holiday for a week and got back 2 days ago. In the meantime Nan has passed and the we get the date for the funeral - next Thursday.

Speak to my Aunty as she also no longer works, has a car and is very active and loves having my boys. She agrees to pick up DC from school the Weds, drop them at Mums and pick them up on the Thurs after school, feed them and put them to bed. We just need Mum to agree to feed them Weds night, put them to bed (she has numbers bought, allegedly for the DGC) and take DS2 to school in the morning on thurs. Mum is known for being lazy so we say we will pay for her to get a cab there and back (the school is a 15 min walk from her house, poss 20 with DS2 little legs). Aunty tells me to let her ask Mum as she is more likely to agree if Aunty asks for her help.

Invited to Mums this afternoon. “Aunty has told me about your plan for the boys and that you would like me to have them Weds night. I’m sorry but I can’t.” Mum then walks away and offers no explanation. I sit at her table and try not to cry. Can’t hold it in so decide to leave and do so nicely. “Sorry Mum, I’m really upset and I don’t want to be here, I’m going home.”

Heard nothing from her since, had a shitty sanctimonious call from Aunty telling me the kids are my responsibility and that Mum doesn’t need to justify herself to me - I didn’t even ASK her to do any such thing. Didn’t even ask what her reason was! Trying to make me feel bad for leaving and that I had no right to be upset. I am very upset. I can’t help it. I only ever ask my mum to help when I’m desperate and she never does. She helps my sister with her kids, especially DN who is clearly her favourite (which I don’t mind at all, DN has a tough home life and horrible dad and deserves all the love and attention she can get) and I feel like it doesn’t matter what goes wrong or how bad it is I can’t rely on my own mum to be there for me.

To falstall the kindly meant advice - we can’t take them with us. DS13 is autistic and won’t go near a cemetery let alone a funeral, there’s no room at the house we’re staying at the night before for them, DS5 is very sensitive and seeing his family crying will really distress him - he’s not of an age yet where I feel comfortable with him being at a funeral - I will be ok with it when he’s older and less anxious. Also we can’t afford a hotel or bnb, the petrol cost alone is going to fuck us over for the whole month. Plus Farawayshire, the part where DH’a family live is tucked away and hotels are almost non existent, let alone bnbs.

So in conclusion - am I allowed to go low to no contact with mum over this?

OP posts:
KingaRoo · 10/10/2019 16:31

Also how severe is the autism?

Crass12 · 10/10/2019 16:32

Sorry for your situation but unfortunately you’ll just have to accept your mum won’t help.
It’s a situation I know well as my mum wouldn’t help me but that’s her choice.
Just don’t bother asking for her help again, it’s not worth getting upset over when she says no

breakfastpizza · 10/10/2019 16:32

My BIL's parents are like this. Very young (in their 50s), healthy, work part-time/seasonal, no money issues, tons of free time, very active in their church, volunteer, etc. They live in the same city. They know my sister doesn't have support on her side of the family (besides me, but I live far away). And yet they come up with every excuse in the book not to have the grandkids alone.

They are involved, in that they attend birthdays, Christmas, holidays, family events (with lots of pics for social media) and are very loving to the grandkids, but they refuse to babysit in any way.

It's very, very weird, and very upsetting for BIL and sister, but they have decided to accept that's just the way they are. BIL has made many pointed comments that it will backfire when his parents are older and need support.

Only you can decide if NC is right for you. A trial of LC might be something to consider before going all the way.

Aderyn19 · 10/10/2019 16:34

If she couldn't cope with the kids, then she ought to have had a conversation with the OP and explained. Saying no, without any explanation, is weird and I agree with the pp that it's also hostile.
I think life is too short to keep trying to have a relationship with a person who can't be bothered to help you out in a crisis.

MyMumIsADimensionJumper · 10/10/2019 16:38

Send DH on his own and stay with your kids. I know you would want to be there, but people will understand.

Next time your mum asks for help - and she will eventually - say no, and tell her exactly why.

Chloemol · 10/10/2019 16:47

In this situation I would explain to dh family that unfortunately you can’t get childcare so you won’t be going and he goes on his own. Not ideal but at least someone attends

Then I would be having a very straight conversation with your mother about how you feel she is treating you, favouritism etc. The. I would go lc, let her come to you first and move on with your life

ScatteredMama82 · 10/10/2019 16:48

Can your mum cope with your 3 kids? Maybe she can't, you say your eldest is autistic and I'm sure that brings some challenges. Maybe she is worried she won't be able to manage? It does seem like there is something specific putting her off looking after them. I'm sorry you feel like you don't have support, I know how hard that is.

Mitzicoco · 10/10/2019 16:55

It's an awful situation but please do try to rectify it! I had the most fucked up relationinship with my mother until she died when I was 15 and I would give ANYTHING to have that time back and make things good again,

ptumbi · 10/10/2019 16:59

Well, your kids are your responsibility, but it takes a village....Angry

And of course your wider family will expect you to host your mum (and everyone else) over christmas because you can't possibly leave an elderly lady on her own (from other threads running atm) so you are of course being UNreasonable Angry Hmm

Personally I'd get DH to go on his own, and never speak to any of your family again. (But then you'll get posters bleating that your dc 'need' their grandparents and aunties and cousins etc...)

darkcloudsandrainstorms · 10/10/2019 17:00

Is there something wrong with your mother. Maybe she does not want to tell you.

You never know what other people are going through.

ptumbi · 10/10/2019 17:01

Scatttered - OP says she has 2 kids!

Mitzi - as per my post....Hmm

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/10/2019 17:02

Send Dh on his own, your Mum is being a bit nasty as is your Aunties message.
Stop asking them for anything, they are not supportive of you at all.

This, as Troels has suggested. Your mother is never going to step up to the plate - for whatever reason she won't put herself out at all. Heaven's delight, I've looked after my neighbour's children overnight when they had a family emergency and had close (geographically) family support. Its what people do - well, most people.

It's heartbreaking for you because you must feel that your children are less loved than your niece (which may or may not be true -maybe your mother just feels boys are too hard to cope with) and that if anything ever happens again where you need help, there is no-one to get your back. It's a very distressing situation to be in, especially when there is a bereavement and people are upset to start off with.

I would just go low contact. let her make the first move to contact you, and then just kept civil, but don't get too "pally". It's not worth causing a falling-out over if it can be avoided, but I wouldn't run round after her backside and try to get an affectionate mother-daughter relationship, because I don't think you ever will and you resetting yourself up for misery.

And if she ever needs help just tell her you can't.

liviadrusilla · 10/10/2019 17:02

Your mum has let you down in numerous desperate situations. You owe her nothing. Do what feels right for you, your DH and children.

caringcarer · 10/10/2019 17:04

Your Mum is not very caring of you or your dc is she. It is a dreadful situation to be in but I think your only option is to agree for your dh to go alone. Could he sleep on his parents sofa for night? I would be cutting off contact with Your Mum as she is not at all supportive of you or even seeming to show interest in your dc. Lower your expectations and expect nothing from her ever then she will not be able to hurt you. Keep children away so she can not hurt them either. Sadly not all Mum's are maternal.

Boysey45 · 10/10/2019 17:04

To me it sounds like she cant cope with them, which I think is fair enough. I personally think its for your husband to go to all these family emergencies by himself.
Sorry I know its hard when you have no other help besides yourself.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/10/2019 17:04

*had NO close support (slip of the keyboard - sorry)

hammeringinmyhead · 10/10/2019 17:07

Again she decided it was too much work

If this is what she said the second time you asked, I would have stopped asking. This isn't a reason that will change regardless of friends visiting or childrens' parties.

I don't know about going NC but I would have to ask her once and for all if she never intends to help in an emergency so you know where you stand. I would also tell the flying monkey aunt where to go.

Johnsonsfiat · 10/10/2019 17:08

The only way round this is for him to go on his own. Don't ask mum for help again. You know what shell say and it will only upset you. Scale back contact if it makes you feel better.

Lipz · 10/10/2019 17:09

It sounds like your mum is not able for your children more so than not wanting to help. Maybe she hasn't admitted this for fear of upsetting you ?

I have a disabled dd and part of her condition is autism, while myself and dh can manage her, it's difficult for others who are not use to her.

What we do in situations when we have no one to call upon, is myself or DH go to whatever is happening. When the kids were younger we brought them, we still now will bring dd, we do the drive there and back, or we find somewhere to stay, one of us sit with dd outside for times she's distressed.

I know you say money is tight so I would suggest one of you go.

It would be great if you had someone to help out but unfortunately I think you are going to have to accept that your mum is not one of these people. For whatever reason she has, all you can do is work around her.

dottiedodah · 10/10/2019 17:16

I think DH should go alone TBH .I think your Mum is being very selfish ,but although she should babysit there is no law making her sadly !.I dont think you would be at all unreasonable to go LC/NC at all ! Maybe then she might get the message ?

converseandjeans · 10/10/2019 17:17

I think she doesn't feel that she would cope. I wouldn't have kept asking to be honest - if she wouldn't help when it was DH's father passing away I don't think she would be necessarily prepared to help for his Nan.
What about DHs family. You seem to be expecting your family to step up but you haven't mentioned DHs family helping. I get that it's a long way, but I would take my kids with me.
How well did you know his Nan? Could you perhaps just stay home with the kids?
Also how bad is your sons autism? She may not really know how to cope with his issues.
I think you need to just accept this is how it is. We have occasional help but have never asked for overnight for a few days at a time. My in laws will do a night occasionally but that's about it really. We hear about other couples going off doing stuff but just accept that we don't get to do that & plan stuff with kids included.

converseandjeans · 10/10/2019 17:18

Agree with others that when she starts needing help when she's older - perhaps step back a bit.....

RhinoskinhaveI · 10/10/2019 17:22

she's not obliged to pitch in and help you'll have to make other arrangements, of course you wont feel any obligation to her if she needs help when she's older, she'll need to make her own arrangement too

GracefulHare · 10/10/2019 17:24

Sorry for your losses OP.
YANBU. However your dm has made her feelings very clear & isn't going to change to become what you want. It's now time for you to change to protect yourself.
Go LC with her, meet her on neutral ground for a set time only & expect nothing. Repeat once every few weeks until it becomes the new normal.
Don't ask her for help ever again, then there's no chance for her to refuse, bitch about you to your Auntie or upset you.
Say you're having a change for Christmas/birthdays if you usually invite her & spend time just as your family of 4.
By the way, your sister sounds dreadful & I probably would go no contact with her!
As pp have said, it might be best for just your dh to go to the funeral this time. I'm sure everyone would understand.
Good luck with everything.

Sedlescombe · 10/10/2019 17:32

First I am so sorry for the terrible run of news you have had

Could you all travel up to the funeral but only DH attend the ceremony? You would at least be there to support him and to show support to the rest of the family. It’s a sad way of learning a painful lesson but these emergencies very quickly show who you can rely on and who don’t care. My DW died of cancer last year and the most unexpected people turned out to be fabulous whereas my sister didn’t show because she hadn’t been “invited” (yes there is a backstory to that)

I would undoubtedly go low contact and absolutely never put myself out for her again. This wasn’t a case of not helping out while you went down the pub it is a full on family emergency. I would never forget that.