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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We should be kind on Christmas Day?

87 replies

marmitedreams · 10/10/2019 11:53

I have seen many threads in the last couple of weeks with people asking if they are being unreasonable for wanting to exclude relatives and in-laws on Christmas Day. Surely Christmas Day is a time for peace to all and love to all. A lot of people seem to be selfishly worrying that they will not have a great day. We should all be thinking how we can help others have a great day.

Unless there is a backstory of horrible abuse, why not use Christmas Day as an opportunity to be kind.

OP posts:

0lga · 10/10/2019 13:33

Yes of course you are right @Napqueen1234

Any woman who ever points out anything negative about men is bitter, if not totally bitter and twisted and an ugly old bag who isn’t getting shagged enough. Or a lesbian.

Someone told me on another thread that I probably looked like a potato ( or maybe it was a turnip, I can’t remember, some vegetable ) and they are totally right. That’s what happens to women to date to criticise men in the slighted way. The wind changes and they end up like that FOREVER.

Simkin · 10/10/2019 13:34

@0lga I'm really enjoying your posts.

Hesafriendfromwork · 10/10/2019 13:36

Of course they are. That’s why there’s so many men on the planning for Christmas threads here on MN and buying Good Housekeeping magazine to check on the tastiest stuffing.

Im sure that all men you know have probably cancelled all their social events for the next two months just to save the cash for Christmas.

I dont know any women who do that.

But yeah, out of me and dp it woidm be more likely to be him. He spent most of yesterday cooking a 3 course meal cause my friend and her husband was coming over. I would have ordered a takeaway.

Oh and he already has bought all the Christmas presents he needs to get.

Honestly, dp doesnt need to anymore considerate around Christmas. That's why I love him.

LagunaBubbles · 10/10/2019 13:37

Olga you sound deranged. No-one is saying its just you. But you only read about the difficulties on here, you are hardly like to get many people on to say their DHs are excellent etc. As it happens me and DH plan Christmas together. You know... as part of a normal healthy relationship. I will end up doing the food prep and cooking because I enjoy it, and he does loads of other stuff like spending days outside putting up all our outdoor decorations.

Original poster

marmitedreams · 10/10/2019 13:40

Should I be in any way surprised, that a thread asking for kindness has turned into a vicious bun fight?

OP posts:

Hesafriendfromwork · 10/10/2019 13:44

Should I be in any way surprised, that a thread asking for kindness has turned into a vicious bun fight?

Firstly, you asked for it on Christmas day. It ain't christmas day

Secondly, thata not a bun fight, 3specailly by mn standards.

Newearringsplease · 10/10/2019 13:46

I really cant see how its turned into a vicious bunfight. Christmas can be an incredibly expensive time. My mum always comes to me for Christmas but she loves to tell everyone how much she hates Christmas. I spend a fortune on dinner which she just eats and then goes home. She doesn't want a starter so makes a huge fuss about that. So this year we're going out!

NameChange84 · 10/10/2019 13:47

I agree it's the season to be Kind. It would be lovely if some of my relatives could be kind, fair, democratic, unselfish, rational, non dramatic, peaceful, helpful and polite for just one day. But they can't manage that. And of my 35 years around 30 Christmasses were spent with relatives who abused alcohol or drugs, used any tiny thing or create a huge row or drama, controlled every tiny aspect of the day, clouded everything with their meanness, pessimism and rude, grabby behaviour and wanted to make things as joyless as possible whilst also being expected to be waited on hand and foot by older or unwell members of the family. My Christmasses are better now that that I choose not to be "kind" to people who don't have a shred or respect or kindness towards me or my loved ones. And I will not be made to feel guilty for that.

Fiacla · 10/10/2019 13:47

That perfect family Christmas is a hell of a lot of work, usually for women, who have usually been socialised to 'be kind' abnd put everyone else's needs before their own. I find the threads you reference often originate after the OP has been 'being kind' and running round after everyone else for years of Christmases and can't face it one more time. Plus older women in a family have often traditionally exercised power by making demands on the younger women. Of course there are instances of preciousness over 'our little family', but not sure they're the majority.

This, exactly. Christmas 'kindness' involves bucketloads of gendered work.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 10/10/2019 13:54

For those asking about how many threads theres been this week about Christmas, it's worth noting the Ocado Christmas delivery slots became open to book this week, therefore signalling the "where will we be and how many people do I need to cater for?" Conversations need to be had.

Last year was the first year it was just me, DH and the DCs for Christmas day, and it was wonderful! We didn't have to cater round multiple allergies and fussy issues in extended family, I didn't feel the pressure to get the kids dressed and either in the car away from their new toys, or tidying up before the guests arrived. I didn't have to try to keep various difficult people entertained and be ready to step in to change conversations that might lead to disagreements.

It was the first year since becoming an adult I genuinely loved the day and felt relaxed.

It was a revelation how nice it can be!

This year, PIL will probably be alone if we dont invite them, (all other family already we know will be elsewhere) so I'm feeling the guilt to invite them, but having had such a nice year last year, I want to be mean and not ask them. I wish I was more selfish.

Dyrne · 10/10/2019 13:55

I agree that when people are asked to be “kind” it often means “please put up with the abusive/unethical/threatening/demeaning/demanding/ unpleasant behaviour of others and don’t point out that they are acting horrifically because that may, bizarrely, hurt their feelings”

soulrunner · 10/10/2019 13:56

Christmas is a PITA and far more effort than it’s worth. I’m going on holiday with DH, kids and some friends. I’ve told the kids they can have 3 presents each and that’s it as can’t carry any more. We’ve already decided we’re not going to even attempt to ‘do’ Christmas.

whippetwoman · 10/10/2019 13:58

Actually I’m with @0lga on this one and other posters that mention gendered work. Being kind will invariably mean women being kind, women compromising and women taking on even more work. I just don’t agree with the OP.

UnderhandedBarbieDoll · 10/10/2019 14:01

Every time I hear about kindness lately it seems to be used as a synonym for "being a doormat"/treated like shit.

Funnily enough it's always said to girls and women. Why is that?

SisterSistine · 10/10/2019 14:01

Kind to whom? I could be kind to my mum and visit her, but upset her husband who would rather not have us there. I could be kind to the in-laws who love a big family Christmas and would much rather we were with them. But that means being unkind to my own children who can’t cope with the noise and chaos of that big family Christmas. I can’t be kind to everyone at once, because all their needs are conflicting.

So, I choose to be kind to myself and my kids. Christmas at home. I’m sorry if that is disappointing to others, but unless I can clone myself and fundamentally change the kids’ personalities, there isn’t much to be done. ,

inwood · 10/10/2019 14:03

Well I'm. It going to see my n/c sister on Christmas Day it would be fucking miserable. Christmas is meant to be joyous.

OkayGo · 10/10/2019 14:05

@0lga your posts are brilliant

Velveteenfruitbowl · 10/10/2019 14:06

If we had my in laws around there’d be peace for no one. Some people are just horrible.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 10/10/2019 14:09

0lga was joking. Lay off.

thecatsthecats · 10/10/2019 14:10

Actually I’m with @0lga on this one and other posters that mention gendered work. Being kind will invariably mean women being kind, women compromising and women taking on even more work. I just don’t agree with the OP.

I agree about gendered work. I especially agree about the MN 'kind mafia'. I've seen women be outright bullied by the 'kind' brigade, when it has been very obvious that they are in need of kindness!

But I don't think it's especially fair to be so vitriolic about posters who don't have a problem with gendered work in their own households.

My husband and I both grew up in households where all the hosting work was done by the mums. It hasn't stopped us divvying up the cooking tasks and sorting everything together whenever we host our families.

I didn't know what a green flag it was when a group of us went shopping before I got together with him, and he was there to pick out a present for his mum in good time to post it back from university, but it's borne out. I'm the one who's shit at cards.

My sister has done the same - married a cleaning obsessive chef. My BIL makes a different flavoured butter for every kind of vegetable served in Christmas dinner, FGS!

It's just as daft to act as if all men are like that as it is to suggest no men are like that.

Simkin · 10/10/2019 14:20

I don't see any vitriol. She's just describing what loads and loads of women do. Switching it round really just highlights the fact most men don't. Great that some men do it these days and like it. But mostly it's women doing it and mostly because they feel they should or have to for whatever reason.

LagunaBubbles · 10/10/2019 14:23

Am I meant to feel guilty because I enjoy all the Christmas food preparation and cooking then? Don't think so. DH does all the clearing and washing up.

IamWaggingBrenda · 10/10/2019 14:23

@WatchItGrotchet *My DH is always kind and unselfish, so are my friends husbands.

Whatever kind of men you are around that are selfish and mean are the wrong kind.*

Agreed. Yes, I do all the Christmas dinner, but my DH does all the clean up. He tidies and vacuums the house before company family arrives. Tired of all the male bashing on here, as if all men are arseholes.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 10/10/2019 14:25

I see the op’s point, but I struggle to agree. Back when I was with my ex I was having panic attacks as early as September, just at the thought of going to my mil’s for Christmas. So while it might have been kind of me to go, I could pretty much guarantee she wouldn’t be kind if I went, so would it have been kind to my kids to put my mental health at risk in that way? (And yes I’m aware that sounds a bit pathetic, but I wasn’t in a good place back then.) Since I’ve been single I’ve been grateful to the friends who make sure I’m never alone at Christmas (dc do every other year at their dads) and I hope I repay that kindness by being a gracious guest.

QualCheckBot · 10/10/2019 14:28

Given that my inlaws are rude bullies towards me, my kindness to them will be in ignoring them by being elsewhere and not telling them the pointed home truths about their awful behaviour that they deserve.

To sit their and listen to their nasty remarks without saying anything back would be unkind to myself.

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