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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids!!!!

26 replies

hotbathsandcookies · 10/10/2019 08:21

Don't want to drip feed so there might be some pointless info 🙈

Been with my DP for 4 years, he has two DD's age 6 and 7. When I met him I lived on my own in a two bed apartment. My spare room was my make up room, so just had my wardrobe, dressing table in etc..
As the kids have got older they started to stay over once a week and they would have our bed and we would sleep in the living room as we don't live near there school so we did Saturday night - Sunday. We had our DD together 18 months ago and I decorated my spare room for her. Suddenly the kids started staying 3 nights a week so we got them bunk beds which takes up nearly all of the bedroom. This hasn't been a problem until 9 months ago when I moved DDs cot into her their bedroom, however as DSD sleep talks it wakes DD up so when they stay over DD sleeps in a travel cot in my room.

A few weeks ago my niece came to stay with the girls and their wasn't any more beds, so DSD asked if she would sleep in DD's cot. I was a bit meh about it but thought why not. But now she won't sleep in her bed and is always climbing in and out the cot. I've told DP I'm not happy with her sleeping in the cot and thought it was a one off thing and he said it's not hurting anybody so why not.

Now I haven't actually got a reason for her not sleep in their other than it just makes me furious for some reason Blush

So AIBU? Or should DP tell her to sleep in her own bloody bed?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 10/10/2019 08:35

A six year old sleeping in a cot isn't appropriate (unless there is a specific reason for it)

Where is your DD sleeping when DSD is in the cot? Is she in the travel cot in your room? If so that rather defeats the purpose of ever moving her cot into the other room.

I think you and your DP just need to say no to your DSD. I'm not sure what that's such a big deal for him to do.

DeathStare · 10/10/2019 08:36

Just to add, I also think a six year old climbing in and out of a cot all the time is an accident waiting to happen. Either she is going to slip and fall at some point, or the cot is going to get broken. Cots aren't designed for this!

Original poster
hotbathsandcookies · 10/10/2019 08:37

Since having DD I have my wardrobes in my room now so their isn't any room for the cot in there permanently. The travel cot takes up all moving space so it's literally like Tetris in there!

OP posts:
Original poster
hotbathsandcookies · 10/10/2019 08:38

It's the 7 year old who's doing it! She's known for pushing her luck and not listening but when she's not being told no can you really blame her

OP posts:
DeathStare · 10/10/2019 08:41

It's the 7 year old who's doing it! She's known for pushing her luck and not listening but when she's not being told no can you really blame her

No. This isn't her fault. She's a 7 year old playing a fun game of sleeping in a cot. She's not doing anything naughty. But it needs to stop for various reasons and that's the adults' responsibility.

NearlyGranny · 10/10/2019 08:41

A 6yo will soon wreck a cot; she's just too big and heavy! If DD always sleeps in the travel cot, why not fold the big cot down and stow it under your bed or wherever for the time being? Out of sight is out of mind. Would it matter that DD would be in the travel cot even when DSDs are not there? I'm guessing it's easy enough to carry through from one room to the next.

When DD really needs the cot, you can just say, oh, you're a big girl now and cots are for babies. That's DDs and only she sleeps in it.

Original poster
hotbathsandcookies · 10/10/2019 08:43

She doesn't sleep very well in the travel cot as she's quite tall and there isn't much moving space for her. She often wakes up with her head pressed against the mesh 😒The whole set up isn't working and we need to move but just haven't got the funds atm

OP posts:
DeathStare · 10/10/2019 08:48

The whole set up isn't working

I get that the bedroom situation isn't ideal, but this issue with the cot really isn't the big deal/drama it is running the risk of becoming. You and your DP just need to say to DSD "You can't sleep in the cot anymore. Cots are for babies and DD needs to sleep in her cot again" And then stick to it. Put the travel cot away so there's no option.

NearlyGranny · 10/10/2019 08:48

Oh, just seen it's the bigger one! No way. DH has to step up and enforce the own bed rule, but I'd still pack the cot away for a month or two.

Or you could offer to remove her bed permanently and see how that goes down! On second thoughts, she might say yes, so...

swingofthings · 10/10/2019 08:50

Another thread with a father with children who moves with his partner in her too small place to accommodate his kids.

I don't get it. Why forming a new blended family and not move into a new place where there is enough room for all the kids?

Problems always seen to come from that scenario, the man moving into the partner place, partner still seeing the home as hers, the kids having to make due with the expanding family.

The cot thing is probably her just liking to be cosy in a tight place. Could her bed be made to replicate this?

DeathStare · 10/10/2019 08:53

I don't get it. Why forming a new blended family and not move into a new place where there is enough room for all the kids?

Because they can't afford it?
Because the place was big enough when they moved in and is only now not big enough as the children have got older and the situation has changed?

Original poster
hotbathsandcookies · 10/10/2019 08:53

@swingofthings sorry you must have misread the thread. They never used to stay at all, then stayed once a week so yes I do still think of it as my place. When my DD was born they started staying half of the week so we all had to get used to extended family.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 10/10/2019 09:14

Where did he live before? Didn't he have them stay with him? If not why not?

Of course money is an issue but you take that into consideration. As it is now, you don't have enough space so what are your plans to get a bigger place?

Soon2BeMumof3 · 10/10/2019 09:17

She shouldn't be in the cot.

But the real problem is that you've outgrown your home. Those children are only going to get bigger and need more space. This isn't a temporary problem, you and DP need to house them all long term.

What's the plan?

Witchinaditch · 10/10/2019 09:20

Have you posted about this before? Were you sleeping on the couch when they came over? It seems as if your a little bit resentful of them coming to stay. I’m not judging but it seems as if you see it as your daughters room and they are intruding when really it’s all 3 of their room. Maybe if you can look into moving into a 3 bed place. It sounds tough and I’m not a step mum so I’m not meaning to be harsh but it’s how your post came across

makingmammaries · 10/10/2019 09:25

Fill the cot with large cardboard boxes before each stay and tell her she is not allowed to move them. Take them out when your DD needs the cot, return them before DSDs arrive to stay.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 10/10/2019 09:25

You need a house big enough to accommodate your family. Your current one doesn’t.

Original poster
hotbathsandcookies · 10/10/2019 09:29

@swingofthings The kids were only 2 and 3 when I met him and their mum wasn't happy with them staying out which is understandable. He would take them out etc but they didn't stay until they were 4 and 5

OP posts:
raspberryk · 10/10/2019 09:37

Before you had your dd , even if it was only night a week their dad (and you) should have ensured enough space for all of the children. It makes no longterm sense for your dp to move into a place that was yours only and going to be too small. You should have got a place together that was both of yours before you decided to have your dd.
My ex did this, they now regularly have 4 kids in a small 2 bed house and neither if them has a car which fits the whole family in. Then he will moan he can't do x y or z because they don't have the space in the house/car or any money.
These are things to sort our before you have more children.

swingofthings · 10/10/2019 09:49

Indeed, if it was always his intention to have them overnight and you discussed having a child together, then the lack of space can't have come as a surprise.

The problem is not 'kids!!!' but 'Adults!!!' who made wrong decisions for them.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 10/10/2019 09:57

The problem is not 'kids!!!' but 'Adults!!!' who made wrong decisions for them.

@swingofthings has it with bells on.

ShinyGiratina · 10/10/2019 10:46

What's the plan for managing 3 children in full size beds when your DD has outgrown her cot? This problem is only going to get tougher in a year or two.

TeaAddict235 · 10/10/2019 10:55

Where was his place prior? He lived with his ex? Cocklodger is what he is. A responsible parent would have sought a roof for his own children. What would happen to him and his daughters had you two split?? Tell him that you need a bigger house and a long term commitment- you would be moving into a larger place with him and your DD. You would be in effect giving up YOUR house. You both should have made appropriate adult decisions before all this. There was ample time.

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2019 10:56

Where did he live before?

And he needs to stop being a Disney dad and say No.

Whattodoabout · 10/10/2019 11:01

Threads like this pop up on here at least once a month and the response is always the same. Your home isn’t big enough to accommodate three children. If you didn’t want to shack up with someone who already had children, you didn’t have to. There are plenty of guys in the world who don’t already have children. You chose to procreate with him knowing you only lived in a two bedroom home, now it’s cramped because there are three children in it half of the week. Shock horror, didn’t see that one coming.

The cot issue is a bit of a red herring. She’s seven so obviously way too big for a cot, she needs to be told that it isn’t safe. Other than that, if you choose to stay with your OH you need to look for a bigger home.

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