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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So I finally left!!! AIBU to take my things whilst he's in custody ??

62 replies

Sweetpeach3 · 10/10/2019 03:08

Ok so reading my last post mums. Today was my final straw. Was so minor What happened but I thought so you know what FUCK THIS AND FUCK YOU IM DONE AND IM GONE !!!
rang the police. Told them everything and actually made a statement and pressing charges. Iv never ever ever done this before but I'm totally fucking done I need something to drastically change an him to realise this isn't right !
We had an argument in his car on the way to my hospital appointment an he said I'm a slag for having 3 children to him so my response was "but it's okay for you to have 7 to any Tom dick or Harry" so he threw a plastic bottle in my face. I opened his car door until he pulled over and walked off. End of. He was circling my house for a while an then gave up - I blocked his number etc so he couldn't ring me
I'd phoned police in the mean time and when they finally shown up he was still driving past my house so knew he was getting arrested then he seen them on his cameras at his house anyway. But Iv gave them my old phones and pictures and as much evidence of his controlling abusive etc behaviour as I can as when he was asked for his phone he told them he didn't have it (hid the car and his phone before he went back his house to be arrested - very strange if you ask me??)

They told me I can only take essentials from his and if I want anything else I would have to sort it through him - I have a shit load of things at his house like all my new baby stuff - the baby he wants nothing to do with anyway but he's said I can't take anything he just wants me go back , the police have assisted me but only to get bare minimum for the kids. The officer said I'm not breaking the law but it could go against me in court if I go without them their an take everything but they can't do that without his concent anyway so I'm hitting a brick wall

Do I just go take all MY stuff bite the bullet an get someone to video it so it's proof I havnt touched / damaged anything of his or just wait and argue the toss for the next few months when iv got 2 toddlers and 7 months pregnant to try get my things back and having to prove item by item in court
It's only my clothes and my big pictures iv had made of the kids and then the baby's new crib Iv just bought and my sons car table my parents got him at Xmas as he and my DD adore it making trains on etc. He can have the rest and shove it where the sun doesn't shine but I'm not made of money to go buy all this again....
help???

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 10/10/2019 03:17

I’d take them. If you don’t, you’ll never see them again. Videoing is a good idea.

BitOfFun · 10/10/2019 03:17

Yes, you should take all those things, and record that. I can't see how that would go against you.

Well done for taking this step.

Singlenotsingle · 10/10/2019 03:20

If it's yours, take it. I don't see why there's a problem.

Mummaofmytribe · 10/10/2019 03:27

If he's safely in custody would think now is the very best time to get the things. Don't touch anything of his (Why would you want to anyway?) and get your own and children's things.
Take a trusted person to help you if possible. I would take a photo of each room before and after you remove your possessions but I doubt anything will ever come of this.
What's he gonna say? She took the crib needed for the baby?
Bloody well done for standing up for yourself and getting shot of this poisonous man.
Definitely get advice on what happens when he'screleased and how you get a Court order to keep him from contacting or approaching you.
And if you have any money anywhere, a joint account or whatever, take it while you find out if you're entitled to any benefits (Idk if you work). Also do you have to leave the home or should he? Whose name's it in?
Best of luck. Brave lady.

Monty27 · 10/10/2019 03:39

Id take the stuff in a heartbeat. It's your property.

DonKeyshot · 10/10/2019 03:45

Possession is 9/10th of the law and I see no reason why he should have the advantage keep possessions that are rightfully yours.

Is he in custody, have they charged him, and will he be making an appearance in the magistrates this morning?

Regardless, if you have the keys and know that he won't be in the property, go get your things and take a friend, preferably a big burly one, with you to act as witness to the fact that you are taking only those items that belong to you from his property.

Video your visit if you wish, but be prepared for him to claim that you've edited the shots or that you took items after the camera was turned off.

Good luck! Along with many mumsnetters I'm cheering you on and hoping you'll be back with an update saying that you're now in possession of all your goods.

BillHadersNewWife · 10/10/2019 03:47

Get them and say you considered them all essentials.

DonKeyshot · 10/10/2019 03:54

Do you know where he's hidden his car, or can you find out, and is it likely that he's hidden his phone in the car or in his home?

If you should happen to come across his phone when you're retrieving your possessions take it and hand it to the police.

This abusive twat deserves to do jail time and I can only hope that he doesn't end up with a slap on the wrist,

cordeliavorkosigan · 10/10/2019 03:55

Brilliant job reporting him, involving police and standing up to him. Your babies will be so much better without abuse in their lives. And in your own. Get your baby stuff, make the records as you plan, and enjoy your newborn in peace.

Winelover123 · 10/10/2019 03:57

Assuming you were in the UK, whilst the police were dealing with your original allegation, they will only have had the time to stay with you whilst you packed the essentials. If you want to return to collect the rest and he is no longer in custody, you can call the police and ask for them to escort you to do so. This is obviously lower priority so call well in advance and be prepared to wait until resources allow but they will send an officer with you - this is called preventing a breach of the peace as it's better to have officers there to stop any potential escalation. If he is still in custody contact the officer dealing with your case and tell them you are and going, what you're taking and why. Hope that helps, well done on leaving and good luck for the future.

Original poster
Sweetpeach3 · 10/10/2019 08:12

@Mummaofmytribe I have my own house and he has his - I kept my rented house without him knowing somehow so nothing will change for me money wise just won't have him taking everything off me once iv paid my rent !

Iv told the police I'm going this morning with my friend (she's the muscle shall we say lol) just to help me carry things and when he leaves custody they have to ring me and make me aware. Also it's going to be in his bail conditions to stay away from me.
I'm just concerned what happens next over the kids because I'm not in the mood be dealing with it. The kids love him but iv had enough an been nice over contact when he doesn't want to be so think I'm guna go through courts an see what they think is best.
ds has a serious health condition and needs vital medication day an night and they've got evidence he wouldn't give me it knowing the consequence, luckily my mum went to the hospital for me an got an emergency set of new meds as we knew this was going to be the case, he said he didn't want DD as I'm a crazed loon and trapped him lol and then in regards to the new baby saying he doesn't want anything to do with it an he hopes i drop dead etc so we're just best off without as much as the kids love him when he's actually around xxx

OP posts:
bluejelly · 10/10/2019 08:17

Well done Sweetpeach, you've done the right thing - stay strong 💪

Lagatha · 10/10/2019 08:17

If he can't control you anymore I bet he makes no effort to see his kids.
Well done OP, I'm proud of you Flowers

Original poster
Sweetpeach3 · 10/10/2019 09:00

Says slot his mum just rang asking what's gone on- told her briefly an she said "he's got 7 kids - that we know of - so how can he call you, an then just things need change it can't carry on like it has been doing then I said I know but I duno what happens now an she stated she wasn't arsed about him an she's guna ring me later check we're okay.
Least his family are okay with me I guess and I can go through them if he does get acces x

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/10/2019 09:08

He won't want access. How can he find the time to see seven kids!!?? Shock He's a waste of space isn't he?

NearlyGranny · 10/10/2019 09:14

Take everything that's yours, especially baby stuff, and have your friend take video, but do a running commentary on who it's for and who paid for it. Also video around to show you've left his appliances and not trashed the place. Don't tell him or his family or anyone but the police that you've made the video.

He could claim anything and possibly will, but he'll show himself up as a liar when your video is seen in evidence.

You need to go NC now. If you even respond to his text by telling him to stop texting, that's blown it. His lawyer will claim it shows you accepted contact. Save any communications and report to the police if he pesters you or turns up.

user1493413286 · 10/10/2019 09:16

Take your stuff and have no contact with him until he goes through the courts. If his family are supportive then let them be involved but if he gets in touch with you don’t even respond.

Sohololopopo · 10/10/2019 09:19

Take the video whilst singing or playing a song you know so that they can not say that it has in anyway been altered.

raspberryk · 10/10/2019 09:22

I would video the whole thing with the correct date and time on the device and also I would have your phone location on the whole time so you can prove you were there for that time only.
I would hire a van/removals if needed and take every last thing that was mine or I'd purchased.
I'm so glad you're leaving, please don't ever go back!

RB68 · 10/10/2019 09:35

take his Mum with you.

sprite25 · 10/10/2019 09:40

Well done on getting away from this horrible excuse for a man, please for the sake of your children never look back. Take a continuous video of what your taking from the house, at the end I'd lock the front door and post the keys through the letterbox so he can't say you went back in/damaged anything etc. Don't respond to any messages he says, but do keep them as evidence. I doubt he will be too bothered about the kids, but if he uses that as a last resort of control, go through court so that he has to have supervised contact. That way you don't have to see or speak to him and anything he says to the Children will be witnessed by whoever is supervising the contact. It's good that his family are on your side, but I would still be slightly cautious about his family having contact with the children in case he's ever secretly there too. I hope it all works out for you OP, you've done the right thing for yourself and your children x

zigzagbetty · 10/10/2019 09:49

Film yourself posting the keys back at the end so he cant say you went back in after filming. Well done and stay strong Flowers

Windydaysuponus · 10/10/2019 09:54

Take pics of the rooms as you leave them.
Ime.
Take all the dc's stuff and baby stuff and all of yours. Paperwork if any there. Video posting keys.

Deathraystare · 10/10/2019 10:02

she's guna ring me later check we're okay.

That's good ...but, she is his mum so be careful what you say!

Very well done though and at least you have your own place. As others have said - take what is yours - yes of course you can take baby stuff! (Although perhaps he has another baby he wants stuff for!!!!). Record what you take. And how the place is left - so he can't whine "She took my tv!!"

TooTrueToBeGood · 10/10/2019 10:08

He won't want access. How can he find the time to see seven kids!!??

He may not want access for the sake of his relationship with the kids but there's a very high chance he will use access as a tool to try and control, manipulate or punish the OP - that's invariably what abusers do.

Stay strong Sweetpeach3. You've taken a massive, very courageous step but this is probably just the start of a long journey to freedom. Take advantage of any and all support you can get. Do not get drawn into any attempts by him to manipulate you. Keep communication with him to the absolute minimum and stick to text/email so that you have a record. Report any threats, intimidation or breaches of his bail conditions to the police immediately.

You can do this, you are awesome.

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