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AIBU?

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Original poster

So I finally left!!! AIBU to take my things whilst he's in custody ??

62 replies

Sweetpeach3 · 10/10/2019 03:08

Ok so reading my last post mums. Today was my final straw. Was so minor What happened but I thought so you know what FUCK THIS AND FUCK YOU IM DONE AND IM GONE !!!
rang the police. Told them everything and actually made a statement and pressing charges. Iv never ever ever done this before but I'm totally fucking done I need something to drastically change an him to realise this isn't right !
We had an argument in his car on the way to my hospital appointment an he said I'm a slag for having 3 children to him so my response was "but it's okay for you to have 7 to any Tom dick or Harry" so he threw a plastic bottle in my face. I opened his car door until he pulled over and walked off. End of. He was circling my house for a while an then gave up - I blocked his number etc so he couldn't ring me
I'd phoned police in the mean time and when they finally shown up he was still driving past my house so knew he was getting arrested then he seen them on his cameras at his house anyway. But Iv gave them my old phones and pictures and as much evidence of his controlling abusive etc behaviour as I can as when he was asked for his phone he told them he didn't have it (hid the car and his phone before he went back his house to be arrested - very strange if you ask me??)

They told me I can only take essentials from his and if I want anything else I would have to sort it through him - I have a shit load of things at his house like all my new baby stuff - the baby he wants nothing to do with anyway but he's said I can't take anything he just wants me go back , the police have assisted me but only to get bare minimum for the kids. The officer said I'm not breaking the law but it could go against me in court if I go without them their an take everything but they can't do that without his concent anyway so I'm hitting a brick wall

Do I just go take all MY stuff bite the bullet an get someone to video it so it's proof I havnt touched / damaged anything of his or just wait and argue the toss for the next few months when iv got 2 toddlers and 7 months pregnant to try get my things back and having to prove item by item in court
It's only my clothes and my big pictures iv had made of the kids and then the baby's new crib Iv just bought and my sons car table my parents got him at Xmas as he and my DD adore it making trains on etc. He can have the rest and shove it where the sun doesn't shine but I'm not made of money to go buy all this again....
help???

OP posts:
Ridiclious · 10/10/2019 10:21

You can do this! You've got your plan and you can get your stuff and be done with him. Communication through the courts only now.

ElizaDee · 10/10/2019 10:31

Taking photos or videos doesn't mean anything. He could say you could caused damage after taking them. Get the police to go with you to take your children's' things - word it that way then they shouldn't be able to argue.

Lilymossflower · 10/10/2019 10:37

Well done !

Yes take everything and photos and a friend

In regards to child contact, he will only be interested if it means he can continue to control you.
So you set the rules - if there has been domestic violence, he can only visit them in a contact centre once at regular times until he proves himself -
Talk to your areas women's aid and they can give you a worker who will have advice too

Ocado100 · 10/10/2019 10:38

What’s he been charged with?

Cherrysoup · 10/10/2019 10:44

Take everything of yours and the kids.

Mam654 · 10/10/2019 11:02

Get a calm member of the family to collect the things for you. They could speak with him in a reasonable, kind way about how you need to items.

Having been through a few big breakups where I left houses I shared and owned, I would advise not being too bothered about leaving stuff that you don't REALLY need. You need to get him out of your life quickly, and wish as little pain as possible.

I would be kissing the ground with joy at being free of such a man. THAT is worth much more than any possessions you ever had. Also, if he sees that you are bothered about 'stuff' in the house, he will use it against you as a bargaining chip - it keeps you in contact with him, where he can continue to abuse you in little ways.

Keep away from him, physically and on technology.

Original poster
Sweetpeach3 · 10/10/2019 11:05

I took everything I needed just clothes and toys and baby's cot and then the hamster ( i did want to leave but I got him DS for been a good boy and he adores him) and left everything of his didn't take TVs or electricals or anything just clothes nappy's bottles cot and toys
Didn't video as he had builders in so they all witnessed me dong what I did as they was in the bedrooms upstairs. I also fed his dog an gave her water let her out as other people won't go near her. So I didn't do anything wrong I think I was quite nice ? But that is everything just waiting for the police to ring with an update

OP posts:
diddl · 10/10/2019 11:09

I agree to be careful of his mum.

She might just want to make sure that she can see the kids & therefore him.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/10/2019 11:10

If it's yours, take it. I don't see why there's a problem.

I can't either.

If the police are able to provide an escort so you can get "essentials" (who decides what is essential - if you are pregnant, baby stuff is essential), then why can't they spend an hour at his house with you instead of half an hour, and you can take everything of yours? Seems backless to me.

If you have receipts for any items keep them handy in case he challenges ownership.

Well done for leaving him - it can't have been easy, but you have been tremendously string and taken a huge step. Now the important thing is not to weaken - hold onto your anger and channel it carefully into making sure he is prosecuted for the things he has done to you.

Best of luck.

Clangus00 · 10/10/2019 11:18

Well done.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/10/2019 11:20

Make sure you go to the house with someone else, and videoing what you take is a good idea, also videoing the house as you leave so it looks fine.

It won't be a perfect alibi but it will be something.

But the most important thing is to take someone else with you.

Well done for leaving. x

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/10/2019 11:21

Oh whoops, didn't see the 2nd page and your update, sorry.

Good that there were independent witnesses there.

Notodontidae · 10/10/2019 11:29

Choosing the right partner is a lottery, and the chances are unless he turns to crime or ODs he'll be a problem to you for at least 18 years.
There is no such thing as a single parent, because that's how babies are made. Once a DC is in the equation, you are linked forever. I hope you find true love with another partner, and show the court that you are not vindictive, but simply care for the welfare of yourself and your children. Best Wishes

Juells · 10/10/2019 11:29

HRTFT
I'd go and get my stuff before he changes the locks. That will be his next move, I'd say, out of spite.

GinNotGym19 · 10/10/2019 11:33

I would take everything you own and video it. If you’ve got bank statements you can show you paid or get the receipts if you still have them.
Don’t trust his mum though, in my experience they spin faster than a coin! Don’t tell her anything he can use to his advantage and the less she knows the less she can tell him

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 10/10/2019 11:43

Just one thing, OP. Although there were builders there, did you get the name of their firm or any contact details. He’l not give the police the details, if he accuses you of anything. All he has to say is that he didn’t keep their details. Can you nip back and get them and do a quick video? It honestly concerns me that you didn’t take a video, as there have been enough posters on Mumsnet over the years, talking about things going missing when builders are in. I’ve experienced that from more that one builder over the years.

Straycatstrut · 10/10/2019 11:50

*I agree to be careful of his mum.

She might just want to make sure that she can see the kids & therefore him.*

This. You need to take this seriously OP. When me & ex split up, exMIL was my best friend - it was only because she didn't want me to move back to my hometown (many many miles away) with her Grandkids. As soon as she found out that's what I was planning she stormed round and went ape and scared the hell out of my 6yo screaming things in front of him like "He'll be leaving all his friends! He'll have to go to a huge horrible new school, be terrified, be bullied for being new!"

He moved schools, made friends the first day (still his best friends months later) and absolutely adores it. So many special activies, days and clubs, amazing teachers, huge countryside grounds, you can see for miles, it's beautiful (last school was surrounded by a council estate, none stop trouble).

By the way I really do recommend moving a long way away and starting a quiet new life, it's done wonders for us. Good luck with everything xx

3dogs2cats · 10/10/2019 11:52

Well done to you. This guy is an arse. I’m a bit worried that you may be thinking 5his will teach him a lesson and then you can start again. It won’t and you can’t. He would just be adding that you called the Police on him, or getting you to retract your statement and getting you charged. They all have the same dick moves. You on the other hand sound really nice. I am so glad you have a house to go to. Take care. Do the Freedom programme and have very high standards for anyone new..
Good luck with the babe.

Sarajandb · 10/10/2019 11:58

Girl well done... don't go back get a restraining order... most certainly get your stuff out every last bit or its something he has hold over you and you wont see it again... video it yes for sure for evidence. and get back up of the items belonging to you receipt of crib confirmation from your parents of purchase of items. But in all honesty i highly doubt you will need it your taking children's belongings and personal items they wont bat an eye lid. Good Luck x

Original poster
Sweetpeach3 · 10/10/2019 12:16

Thank you all for your messages! Means a lot. I'm gutted I didn't video it but he has cctv all around his house and his doorbell and I have the builders company name so I SHOULD/hopefully be okay. I didn't touch anything of his or take anything it's literally just my items and I sorted the dog out for him
Just hope he buggars off now or the police actually do something about it now iv spoken up xx

OP posts:
Tonnerre · 10/10/2019 12:17

I suspect he won't be too interested in seeing the children, he's almost certainly too lazy and will be too busy pursuing the potential mother of child no. 8. It might be worth registering with the CMA - you won't get maintenance, but it will cause him a bit of aggravation.

NearlyGranny · 10/10/2019 12:37

Good work! Now you just need to go strict no contact and report any attempts at contact.

He will almost certainly try to 'hoover' you in again on the hope that he can put pressure on you to drop charges.

These abusers do not change; words are fine but actions are what matter. Beware of him using his mother as a way to get through to you. Ignore tales of his broken heart or suicidal grief over you and the children. It's all about control.

Have you seen all the advice on the Women's Aid website? Their Survivors Forum has people who are going through the same or have got through it.

Good luck and stay free!

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 10/10/2019 12:57

The CCTV is perfect. That’s great Sweetpeach3.

Jux · 10/10/2019 12:57

How muc effort did he make to keep up contact with his other kids? That's about how much effort he'll put into seeing yours.

Princessfaffalot · 10/10/2019 13:04

Well done! You are so strong to have done this. Be prepared for him to beg and plead, promise you the earth etc to try and get you back but don’t listen to any of it...he’s an abuser and always will be. Also be wary of his mum, she might pretend to be on your side but she’s his mum...her loyalties will lay with him no matter how much of a shit he is.

Well done op, be proud of yourself Flowers

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