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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Running through various scenarios with DH

71 replies

Ludos · 09/10/2019 21:01

and trying to make sense out of our relationship. In this situation, WIBU?

DH had a cold, he still went to work, and often to the pub after work. He is the breadwinner, self employed, so if he doesn't work, we don't get any wages.

I had said cold, although also felt quite sick and was unable to eat with it. I asked DH to take DC to school one morning as felt so awful. I'm SAHP, all DC in school.

He say's I'm selfish and this is an example of my selfishness, that I expect him to step up when I'm poorly, but won't do the same for him.

OP posts:
nicknamehelp · 09/10/2019 21:03

Sorry but Im with dh

user1473878824 · 09/10/2019 21:04

I’m a bit with him too

Squirrelplay · 09/10/2019 21:04

Hard to say on that one example... what are other "examples of your selfishness"?!

Do you step up for him when he's ill?

Josette77 · 09/10/2019 21:04

I agree with him. He has to work regardless if he feels crappy, and given your kids are in school all day you get to rest at home.

Teddybear45 · 09/10/2019 21:05

You had a cold not the flu. You could have still dropped the kids off

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 09/10/2019 21:06

Well on that one example, yes you were definitely being unreasonable.

Presumably there is more context though?

PotteringAlong · 09/10/2019 21:06

I’m with your DH too.

Original poster
Ludos · 09/10/2019 21:07

'Do you step up for him when he's ill?'

It's hard to do more than I do on a normal day when he's ill. I do all childcare duties, housework, shopping and cooking.

OP posts:
Squirrelplay · 09/10/2019 21:07

Is it a hassle for him to bring the DC to school? Does he have to drive out of his way/be late for work etc?

WarshipWarrior · 09/10/2019 21:07

You only had to take them to school then you had many hours to laze about at home and rest. YABU.

squaresandsquares · 09/10/2019 21:07

He couldn't have been that ill. He went to the pub.

BalanchineBallet · 09/10/2019 21:08

YABU ! Your kids are all school age. Agree with @Wa

Walnutwhipster · 09/10/2019 21:08

For a cold I'm with DH.

BalanchineBallet · 09/10/2019 21:09

That should say I agree with @WarshipWarrior

midnightmisssuki · 09/10/2019 21:09

Sorry - I’m another one siding with your husband. He soldiers on with work because he has to, and you expect him to. You had a cold not the flu. You can rest after school drop off - he can’t.

Original poster
Ludos · 09/10/2019 21:09

I guess I'm feeling that although, yes it's just a cold, I am in no fit state to be going to the pub etc, whereas he was. I feel I'm worse off with it, bit then it feels like I'm turning it into a competition!

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 09/10/2019 21:09

I think Yabu. Unless it was can’t get out of the bed actual influenza then you can drop the kids off and head back to bed.
Why don’t you work if kids are in school.

Hesafriendfromwork · 09/10/2019 21:10

Tbh it would annoy me if had to go to work when ill, because if I dont bills wont get paid. And then when dp has a cold despite having all day children wanted me to take them aswell. I would be asking when can dp ever take the pressure off me?

Perhaps now that the kids are in school, you need to look at starting to work again.

Is his issue that he is fed up of being the sole financial provider?

Having been the sole financial provider, it can be stressful.

Hesafriendfromwork · 09/10/2019 21:11

Going to the pub with a cold isnt exactly strenuous.

dolorsit · 09/10/2019 21:11

How did he expect you to step up?Obviously you can't go to work for him, did he want you go to the pub in his stead?

It seems a bit harsh to call you selfish just because you asked him to take the kids to school one morning.

DeathStare · 09/10/2019 21:13

I'm not sure how any of us can answer this with this little information.

Were you expecting him to go to work late? Or to go a long way out of his way? If you are talking a minor detour and no real impact on the rest of his day then he's the one being selfish.

If you were expecting him to go to work late or to go a long way out of his way then I think for a cold, it's a bit unreasonable - though I wouldn't say it was selfish, I don't see a problem in asking if it was possible, but equally I don't think it's unreasonable for him to say no if it's going to cause him other issues.

Original poster
Ludos · 09/10/2019 21:16

'Is it a hassle for him to bring the DC to school? Does he have to drive out of his way/be late for work etc?'

It would have added half hour to his day

OP posts:
Cwoffee · 09/10/2019 21:18

I can see why the divorce rate is so high in this country when people have attitudes like the ones expressed towards the OP. Being ill and asking for a little help with the kids from the other parent is not selfish at all. Just because it's "just" a cold and the OP is "just" a SAHP doesn't mean that she should never ask for a little help when it's needed. There is a lot of selfishness (as well as judgement) on this thread and I don't think any of it is coming from the OP.

Original poster
Ludos · 09/10/2019 21:19

'Perhaps now that the kids are in school, you need to look at starting to work again'

I'm studying - it was a joint decision that I stay home.

OP posts:
Hesafriendfromwork · 09/10/2019 21:21

Cwoffee you maybe missing the point.

It seems this is an example of how he feels in general. OP is ill and her dh is expected to add half an hour to his day to help even though she can rest for the day.

But because he is the sole earner, he doesnt have access to that support.

For those of us that have been at home and worked I can see both points of view. I suspect this is more about OP not working, rather than this one day.

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