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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Running through various scenarios with DH

71 replies

Ludos · 09/10/2019 21:01

and trying to make sense out of our relationship. In this situation, WIBU?

DH had a cold, he still went to work, and often to the pub after work. He is the breadwinner, self employed, so if he doesn't work, we don't get any wages.

I had said cold, although also felt quite sick and was unable to eat with it. I asked DH to take DC to school one morning as felt so awful. I'm SAHP, all DC in school.

He say's I'm selfish and this is an example of my selfishness, that I expect him to step up when I'm poorly, but won't do the same for him.

OP posts:
Hesafriendfromwork · 09/10/2019 21:23

I'm studying - it was a joint decision that I stay home.

I am sure it was. But sometimes things change. Sometimes people can find being the sole earner is more difficult that expected.

Surely if you had decided being a sahm wasnt for you and wanted to go back to work, you wouldnt have been happy if he had said 'no, we made a joint decision it needs ri be stuck too'.

Livelikejackandsally · 09/10/2019 21:23

I dunno. It sounds like this isn't isolated. So you need to find out if you need to be working on any other areas

On the other hand. Asking him to take his own kids to school once is hardly a nightmare for him. And yes he had to go to work still. But that's what 8? 10? Hours
If you're a SAHM who did everything else in that 24 hour period he needs to be thanking you.

Do you get your own time out the house away from the kids 'after work' to go the pub etc? Or just him?

Original poster
Ludos · 09/10/2019 21:24

'I suspect this is more about OP not working'

It isn't about me not working. And FWIW I wouldn't have begrudged him a day off, we would cope financially.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 09/10/2019 21:26

No one happily trots off to the pub If they are truly miserable with a cold. Their head is swimming, their face hurts and their stomach is awol if not actively nauseous, they’ve no appetite , can’t even think about a beer, and just want to lie down. So I’m with the op that he wasn’t that miserable and it’s not fair to compare. But in the spirit of supportive op you should talk about how to build up options so he has sick leave-can you save a few days worth and keep it aside? Because maybe he is just frustrated at not having the option.

pallisers · 09/10/2019 21:26

I can see why the divorce rate is so high in this country when people have attitudes like the ones expressed towards the OP. Being ill and asking for a little help with the kids from the other parent is not selfish at all. Just because it's "just" a cold and the OP is "just" a SAHP doesn't mean that she should never ask for a little help when it's needed. There is a lot of selfishness (as well as judgement) on this thread and I don't think any of it is coming from the OP.

I agree completely. In the OP's situation I could imagine DH saying "god I'm sorry but I have to be in really early so I can't" but I cannot imagine telling him telling me I was selfish for asking him and can't imagine the relationships of those who think this was a perfectly normal response. We try to be kind to each other.

Original poster
Ludos · 09/10/2019 21:26

'It sounds like this isn't isolated'

It's not, but I dont want to drip feed. I'm working through different situations to see if it's me that's the problem. This was one that I wanted to put out there to see if, on it's own, I was to blame.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ludos · 09/10/2019 21:28

'Do you get your own time out the house away from the kids 'after work' to go the pub etc? Or just him?'

Rarely, and it's often more hassle than it's worth.

OP posts:
onemorerose · 09/10/2019 21:30

Dropping the kids off to school because your OH isn’t well shouldn’t be a big deal unless it’s made him late for work.

Namelessinseattle · 09/10/2019 21:30

I think it's really sad that you can't ask for help without being called selfish regardless of the reason. I'd like to think if I asked my dp for help under those circumstances whether he could or couldn't he'd at least be nice about it.

DeathStare · 09/10/2019 21:32

'Is it a hassle for him to bring the DC to school? Does he have to drive out of his way/be late for work etc?

It would have added half hour to his day

Meh. I don't think it was unreasonable to ask. And I don't think it was unreasonable of him to say no.

And if you just asked and accepted him saying no, I don't think it was selfish.

fatulousatforty · 09/10/2019 21:36

Just take the kids to school and then go back to bed for a bit.
Job done!

BuildBuildings · 09/10/2019 21:37

He can take kids to school but you probs can't do his job?! So how does he want you to step up? Also colds effect people differently. If he's still going to the pub he's not that ill. When I get a cold it wipes me out (probs due to other health issues) so not being able to eat is quite a bad reaction. Especially if you need energy to run around after little ones.

WhiteVixen · 09/10/2019 21:39

Did he ask you to ‘step up’ in any way for him when he had the cold? If not, then he can’t really complain that you didn’t, I assume you’re not a mind reader. If he did ask you to do something, and you said no, then I can see his point, on this occasion. But otherwise I’m struggling to see how you’re the selfish one, just for asking for a bit of help when you’re unwell.

Original poster
Ludos · 09/10/2019 21:41

'He can take kids to school but you probs can't do his job?! So how does he want you to step up? Also colds effect people differently. If he's still going to the pub he's not that ill. '

This was my stance, but he won't have it. He thinks I'm overreacting and that I didn't feel as bad as I said I did. I suffer with vertigo so that doesn't help.

OP posts:
BuildBuildings · 09/10/2019 21:50

I also find it a bit worrying that he doesn't believe you when you say how ill you feel. It would majorly fuck me off if I said I felt ill and my partner basically said you're exaggerating. It shows a bit of a lack of respect for you tbh.

Idontwanttotalk · 09/10/2019 21:50

I don't think you were unreasonable OP. He couldn't be that ill if he could drag himself to the pub. If he was really poorly he shouldn't have gone in regardless of whether he gets paid. Everyone responds to viruses differently anyway, not that it's a blooming competition.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/10/2019 21:53

Competitive sickness is the least sexy thing in the world ever, and it's taken me 25 years to train DH out of it. Competitive tiredness is next...

There is nothing wrong with asking your children's other parent to do something for them if you feel unwell. Hell, there's nothing wrong with asking your children's other parent to do something for them full stop.

If it's too much hassle or would interfere with the work that pays the bills, then it's equally OK to say no. But asking isn't selfish.

Interested to know how you 'step up' for someone who is capable of working and going to the pub, does that mean you get to go out as their proxy?

Elieza · 09/10/2019 22:00

I get the feeling he doesn’t respect you. He views you being sick as just another example if your selfishness. I wonder if he feels you studying is also selfish, when he has all the pressure to bring home the bacon.

I would have expected him to help you this once when you were ill. He either didn’t appreciate how ill you were, thought you were at it, or thought you had what he had last week and he just got on with it so why can’t you...

A conversation may be required. Not an angry bitter one. Just one to try and find out if he feels you are not pulling your weight. If that’s how he feels you may have to get a part time job and pass some of the housework onto him so you are both working (I’m counting your studying as working) and both doing housework, shopping, cooking and childcare.

See if he feels so hard done to then....probably doesn’t have a clue what all needs to be done to keep the house ticking over.

pjmask · 10/10/2019 10:18

This isn't about whether op should or shouldn't be able to take dc to school
with a cold, it's the fact he called her selfish for even daring to ask. There's nothing selfish about asking for a little support from your DH when you feel like shit. He's a wanker.

Redwinestillfine · 10/10/2019 10:28

I think he needs to not be going into work and spreading his germs if he's ill. If he goes because his work is funny about it maybe he needs to look for a better employer. Either way he shouldn't be having a go at you if he was well enough to go to the pub. Likewise though you still need to sort the kids out if you're I'll. If you are too sick, and he can't do it then you need another option. Friend? Grandparent? If he can do it but just doesn't want to then he needs to step up and get on with it.

AmIThough · 10/10/2019 10:30

It's a cold. You have kids, I'm sure you've caught worse and battled through it. YABU.

JacquesHammer · 10/10/2019 10:31

Crikey asking for a bit of assistance from your partner when you're unwell shouldn't be seen as selfish.

You weren't being unreasonable to ask.

He wasn't being unreasonable to say it wasn't possible (although if he's well enough to work and go to the pub...)

He was absolutely being unreasonable to call you selfish.

Hahaha88 · 10/10/2019 10:33

I'm torn on this. Realistically a cold isn't really that impacting on day to day life so it wasn't a big deal for you to take the kid's to school, and a half an hour onto his day might have impacted the Jobs he had arranged to do. But relationships are about supporting each other and having each others backs, which he clearly didn't do here

SprinkleDash · 10/10/2019 11:18

YABU! You can go straight back to bed after school-run, your DH has a whole day ahead of him!

Original poster
Ludos · 10/10/2019 11:19

Mixed bag. Thank you for the replies.

We're in the process of seperating and I've been told he's emotionally abusive so I'm just working through different situations as he says the relationship break down is down to me, he denies being abusive.

I dont want this to impact replies but just wanted to give some background to those that took the time to reply

OP posts:
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