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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Running through various scenarios with DH

71 replies

Ludos · 09/10/2019 21:01

and trying to make sense out of our relationship. In this situation, WIBU?

DH had a cold, he still went to work, and often to the pub after work. He is the breadwinner, self employed, so if he doesn't work, we don't get any wages.

I had said cold, although also felt quite sick and was unable to eat with it. I asked DH to take DC to school one morning as felt so awful. I'm SAHP, all DC in school.

He say's I'm selfish and this is an example of my selfishness, that I expect him to step up when I'm poorly, but won't do the same for him.

OP posts:

YellowHelicopter · 10/10/2019 11:44

WTF?

You asked him to drop them off (presumably as a one off?) and he calls you selfish?

I don't think YABU at all. I really don't get the way these threads go at times.

Original poster

Ludos · 10/10/2019 11:48

I think the fact that I'm a SAHP to school age DC has influenced it Yellow

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 10/10/2019 12:30

No I don't think you were being unreasonable as long as you were willing to step up for him-that's what love and kindness in relationships is for.

Damntheman · 10/10/2019 12:52

Oh FFS people, a head cold could be nothing but an annoying sniffle, it could also floor you and have you bedridden for days. There are MANY different types of cold and people get them to many different severities. "It's just a cold" is SUCH bullshit. I am on the end throes of a cold (day 8 and counting) that absolutely FLOORED me for two days, I couldn't do anything - no it was not flu, it was a nasty cold.

OP how exactly are you supposed to 'step up' for your DH if he continues on as normal and doesn't ask you to help? You asked him to run the kids to school, not jog to the other end of the country and bring back the leaves of the five finger tree in order to make a mystical cure. He's being so fucking dramatic, they're his kids too. If he wants concessions and help when he's sick then he needs to ASK for them and stop being such an unsupportive dickhead when you're floored.

MzHz · 10/10/2019 13:02

He’s mean op.

My ds is secondary school aged, for a number of reasons I’m at home atm and not working

My oh runs a big business but when I had a cold (I’m rarely ill) he offered to come back home to just be with me if I needed him to.

If matey was well enough with his cold to go to the pub after work, he’s well enough to give you hand one morning.

But he didn’t want to and furthermore accused YOU of selfishness

He’s not a very nice person at all. I hope your kids don’t grow up to be as selfish and mean as him.

Littlemissdaredevil · 10/10/2019 13:07

Maybe the OP had the it worse that the DH, or maybe it was at its peak in the morning.

If think YABU depends on if he was ill and he asked you to do something would you or not?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2019 13:08

Well what are the other scenarios? This is a matter if opinion, not incontrovertible evidence he’s a bastard.

Bellringer · 10/10/2019 13:12

He is gaslighting you. He is selfish

Starlight456 · 10/10/2019 13:15

Well one issue in isolation doesn’t really paint a picture.

I agreee with the pp who said I have had colds and just carried in, other colds I have dragged myself around . As a Lp I have to drag myself around until desperate for a help however if there were viable options then I would ask a partner.

But how much kindness is in this relationship ?

As a side issue how are you going to cope separated and studying financially?

GrouchyKiwi · 10/10/2019 13:21

You weren't being selfish at all. Obviously he didn't feel as ill as you if he could go to work and the fucking pub afterwards.

Whattodoabout · 10/10/2019 13:34

I don’t think you’re BU at all. My DH would gladly drop the DC at school if I ever needed him to, he currently drops them at breakfast club the three days a week I’m in work without qualms. It’s called being a parent and also being in a partnership, you help one another.

Your ‘d’h just sounds selfish.

YellowHelicopter · 10/10/2019 13:41

I don't think it matters that you're a SAHM! You're ill, you asked him to drop HIS children off as a one off to help you.

How your husband (and other people on this thread) can call you selfish is beyond me.

mindutopia · 10/10/2019 14:11

I've been a SAHP, working part-time and currently working full-time with a demanding city job and a long commute. My dh is self-employed. Obviously, whoever had a pressing work commitment (a meeting, big deadline, late night working on something, etc.) gets priority over the other, regardless of who is working how much and when. If one of us has an early meeting or something time-sensitive to do, yes, the ill one would be expected to rally and take dc to school regardless. If there is no competing obligation or something time-sensitive, yes, of course, whoever is feeling well would do the school run and let the other rest and get better, even if it added an extra half hour or hour on to the end of the day. This is exactly why we have careers where we can work flexibly now, but it would make no difference if one of us was a SAHP at the time. It's just about supporting the other one when things are tough. Equally when one of us has a stressful work commitment, the other picks up the slack regardless of anything else. It's what you do when you are a team. Now that wouldn't fly if one of us was just lazy and wanted a lie in, but for illness, yes definitely.

Elieza · 10/10/2019 21:32

I can see why you are separating. You’ll be better off without him for sure. His attitude needs adjustment.

quincejamplease · 10/10/2019 21:46

Hmm, reaching your 11:19 post is interesting, op. There were a few things that made me wonder if this would turn out to be an abusive situation.

Posting a very small piece of info without context for people to comment on will not help you figure this out. The context is important.

Assessing whether abuse is occurring is all about the bigger picture and identifying patterns of coercion and control.

And all abusers deny being abusive.

This might help you weigh things up for yourself with impartial info from people who understand that the pattern of overall behaviour is what matters: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/10/2019 21:53

YABU for a cold and I do agree with him but there sounds like there's much more to this than the one incident.

RopeBrick · 10/10/2019 21:53

Poor you OP. I know you could have taken the kids to school, but it's nice to be a bit spoiled when you're ill. I know what you mean!

Quartz2208 · 10/10/2019 21:58

I think this is another post where some words have been focused upon and the point missed. Clearly the OP was iller than her husband and does pretty much everything other than work.

OP you ask your husband to do something for you and he called you selfish that alongside the other things I think means he is emotionally abusive

Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 22:01

Hang on, he can't take his kids to school one fucking morning when his wife is sick. He couldn't have been that ill if he managed to drag his arse to the pub after work. I would tell him to grow the fuck up.

ChickenGoujonDestroyer · 10/10/2019 23:38

Calling someone selfish doesn't make him emotionally abusive. People are so quick to scream ABUSE on MN. Its belittling to those who have suffered from abuse of any kind.

anomoony · 10/10/2019 23:41

If he can go to the pub he can take his children to school.

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