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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex wants access at mine

62 replies

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 11:55

So I moved across country to get away and he followed, he has got himself a room and has decided that it is fine for access(DS6 DS4) to go from overnight EOW to an hour a week.
Today it blew up as I haven't had any time to socialise since I moved 6 months ago, I know nobody and can't even name the local pub and I said I wanted him to sort out EOW as I want a life!
He's claiming I am being unreasonable and selfish and said his only option for overnights is to stay at mine(!)
Am I?

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 09/10/2019 11:57

Nope! What a twat!
Have you got family locally or could you move to where family are?

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 12:00

No family as they all moved to sodding France this January. I'm feeling very crap right now, I had a whole speech prepared and he just blanked everything I said.

I'm never going to meet anyone ever again!

OP posts:

Stressedout10 · 09/10/2019 12:00

No yadnbu his problem not yours and as a parent it is HIS responsibility to have a suitable place for contact that is NOT your home

AryaStarkWolf · 09/10/2019 12:02

If he's staying in a room in a house share/as a lodger then I guess he can't have the kids over night right now. I definitely wouldn't have him stay at yours, that's weird and invasive. Has he plans to get himself set up with a flat or house of his own? You should try to find a local babysitter so you can get out (I know this is unfair but unfortunately you can't force him to sort his accomodation out and I'm not sure I'd give him an hour a week either if he's not willing to sort his shit out and properly step up)

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 12:02

@Stressedout10 Is that the official 'rule' because I said it was his responsibility to get a decent flat and he said that it was my responsibility to ensure they see him regardless. Which threw me

OP posts:

Stressedout10 · 09/10/2019 12:03

Having seen your update is it friends or a new bf that you are looking to meet?

Windydaysuponus · 09/10/2019 12:04

His living arrangements and relationships with the dc are most certainly not your responsibilities.
Get tough op.

Sicario · 09/10/2019 12:05

You can't argue with stupid so please don't get embroiled in any arguments with him. It'll drive you potty.

He definitely can NOT have access to your home. But you can't force him to have the kids either. That's not the way contact works, even though it's totally unfair to you.

His contact is not your responsibility. It's his. You are not allowed to "block" access, which is totally different.

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 12:06

@AryaStarkWolf You have summed up exactly how I was thinking and feeling about this. An hour a week and only then if the weathers nice and it's convenient is a piss take, for some reason he had me thinking I was being a shit by pointing that out because 'he can't help it'. He talks as if his life is something that happens to him and not something he has any input in.
I've let him blindside me again. Kicking myself

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 09/10/2019 12:07

Your not stopping him he is stopping himself from seeing the kids

Whattodoabout · 09/10/2019 12:07

Obviously not your responsibility. What does he expect you to do exactly, buy him a house? . Definitely his responsibility to ensure he has adequate living space to house his own children.

Could you get a babysitter at all? May be easier than relying on this idiot.

GeneHuntLover · 09/10/2019 12:08

Stressedout10 not sure that's your business!

Cath2907 · 09/10/2019 12:08

It is his responsibility to make suitable arrangements to enable him to see his kids. He should not be having access at your house. You should make the kids available at the agreed contact times. He can take them out for the day if he doesn’t have a suitable “home”. He could take them to visit his family. He could book a weekend away and take the kids away..

What I would say is that it isn’t his responsibility to provide babysitting so you can go to the pub though.

Contact should be done for the kids and in the interest of the kids. I think overnight contact with Dad is a great thing but if he doesn’t have a sensible place for them to stay then it is far more important that he sees them regularly so a day out each weekend would be good.

Stressedout10 · 09/10/2019 12:08

No it's not an official rule however no judge would give him overnight access until HE sorts out somewhere suitable for the contact and NO it is not your responsibility to ensure that they see him regardless. Even if there is a court order you only have to make them available at the set times/days it is up to HIM to provide a suitable setting for the contact NOT you

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 12:11

@Stressedout10 ANYONE! Seriously though just any adults would do as my youngest has just started school, I'm looking for work and just feeling really alone and isolated.
I fancy going on a night out so he made out that was the only reason I was pissed off. It isn't, but I haven't been out for a long time and I don't think that it's unusual to want a life.
I'm taking the blame for him not seeing them and having to explain constantly to DS1 that I don't know when Daddy will see them 'properly' next. DS1 is feeling it as he cherished his Dad weekends

OP posts:

TheFurminator · 09/10/2019 12:12

Poor kids, in the middle of a parental separation and a move across the country and both their parents busy fighting to not have to look after them

Stressedout10 · 09/10/2019 12:13

@GeneHuntLover
I only asked because if it's friends she is looking for I would give different advice on how she could make some even if she doesn't have free time without DC than I would if it's a bf she is looking for not to judge or be nosy

slipperywhensparticus · 09/10/2019 12:15

I get the anyone vibe I've list my job and miss adult interactions like crazy

quincejamplease · 09/10/2019 12:16

Is he an ex because of abuse? Because he sounds like someone who is trying to control you.

Stop giving him info about your life and motivations. Stop trying to reason. Stop trying to persuade. Stop bending over backwards. Stop making yourself responsible for him. Stop getting into debate. Keep it to the facts.

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 12:17

@TheFurminator where did you get that from? Nobody is fighting, this was a conversation this morning and wanting the boys to have the normal contact they were used to is nothing to do with not wanting to look after them.

OP posts:

whiskersonkittenss · 09/10/2019 12:17

my friend is going through similar with her STBXH. he's a bastard. he only visits the kids at her house to check she has no men there, won't take the kids overnight to give her a break. it's a complete control thing.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/10/2019 12:18

@SpinneyHill He isn't your child or your responsibility, if he wants to be a proper dad let him that's his business to sort, you're willing to give him access to his children as long as he has somewhere suitable to have them, that's the only part you're responsible for. You were able to sort yourself and your kids out, surely he's capable of sorting just himself out?

Stressedout10 · 09/10/2019 12:20

If you are looking for a job and friends/adult company a lot of councils run classes called adult basic education (abe) and they are often linked with job clubs where you can get help with your CV, UC and job searches. They can be a great way to make friends and just get out of the house for a couple of hours and can help you get training to improve your job prospects

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 12:21

@quincejamplease Yes he was very controlling and this has continued but it all slipped under my radar until recently when I stopped and looked around .

The manipulation to get into my house has got more obvious recently and the last visit was cancelled because it was raining and I said he couldn't hang out at mine with them. So he just didn't come.

OP posts:

SmileEachDay · 09/10/2019 12:21

Perhaps I’m missing the point...if you moved across the country to get away from him, then surely access would have changed from EOW anyway?

Did you move because he was violent and/or abusive?

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