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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex wants access at mine

62 replies

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 11:55

So I moved across country to get away and he followed, he has got himself a room and has decided that it is fine for access(DS6 DS4) to go from overnight EOW to an hour a week.
Today it blew up as I haven't had any time to socialise since I moved 6 months ago, I know nobody and can't even name the local pub and I said I wanted him to sort out EOW as I want a life!
He's claiming I am being unreasonable and selfish and said his only option for overnights is to stay at mine(!)
Am I?

OP posts:

TheFurminator · 09/10/2019 12:22

I know and I see that it is annoying your partner doesn't want to parent his children properly. But From their perspective, daddy doesn't make time for them and mum wants to get away from them so is annoyed he won't. Given their world will already have been rocked both by the separation and the move, I think that must feel pretty crappy for them.

As I say your ex is being crap, but you aren't going to be able to make him a good parent. If you could have changed who he is I daresay you'd still be together. So trying to make him spend time with them is fruitless, even if you succeed it won't be a beneficial relationship for your kids if it is forced.

So much as it sucks for you, I think for their sake you need to stop pushing him to do more, let him work for it a bit and see what he's missing. Look into a child minder if you really need time for you away from the kids... but if I'm being totally honest I'd say the most important thing to do right now would be spending more rather than less time with them, focusing on them and making them feel secure in their strange new life, and trying to fill the hole that's being left as their crap dad fades out of the picture due to his own laziness and disinterest. Your social life can wait, their mental health not so much.

Stressedout10 · 09/10/2019 12:23

Sorry I should have said that both the job clubs and abe courses are free

peachgreen · 09/10/2019 12:23

Hnag on - you moved across the country to get away from him, but now you want him to have the kids MORE? I'm confused.

TheFurminator · 09/10/2019 12:24

I do think he's trying to control you though. saying he;ll only see them at yours basically ensures you can't bring a man home and that he can invade your personal space. So just tell him 'that won't work for us' and let him find a place to take HIS kids if he wants to see them. I say IF.

Ozziewozzie · 09/10/2019 12:24

Oh yes you will meet someone else again. I had to move to the other end of the country when my 3 were young, similar ages to yours.
Babysitters are a god send. Teens love the cash, and even if you only manage one night out a month, it’s one night more than you have now.

Your ex is trying to force your hand in stopping you from moving on.
You could always apply for a contact order. They are not expensive. When I applied for one, it only cost £30. It’s just a couple of hours in court. No solicitor, CAFCASs chat through a contact plan with you both. A judge agrees it and then you both stick to it. I wouldn’t let him stay at your house as for all you know, he could bug the place or put spy cameras in. I have had this done before. Cheap and easy to buy on internet.
He’s stuck on you. A dad doesn’t follow his kids to another part of the country to then not see them. He’s trying to get to you.
A contact order should remove any unnessasary negotiating or fall outs.

Ozziewozzie · 09/10/2019 12:27

I will just add though that if he’s not bothered about the kids, he won’t bother with the contact order, in which case, ignore his demands. You know you’ll have tried for your children ref their father, and then stand in your own two feet.

GeneHuntLover · 09/10/2019 12:29

Apologies Stressedout10 I thought you were being judgey. It happens occasionally on here 😁

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/10/2019 12:30

So let me get this straight you moved across the country to get away from him , he then had to move as well so he could see his kids, obviously downgrading on his previous accommodation.
Now you are claiming you are unable to socailise and that having moved he should have bigger property.
Sorry I dont see how you can say he is controlling. You have made the move to spite him. In the end it will only be the kids that suffer the worst. Can you not put aside your hatred for each other and do whats best for them?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2019 12:30

Absolutely not. He doesn’t need to stay at your house. He just wants to control you. You ran away and he wants to reassert his control. I absolutely think he sees staying at yours as a foot in the door. Once in, he will try and guilt you into letting him stay, manipulate the kids. If he wants overnight contact, he can rent a hotel room.

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 12:31

He is fine with the kids. But is a control freak about me, it did become abusive but since the move I don't have enough contact with him for it to become abusive again.
The arrangement was EOW and school hols with him, then he followed and boom they don't get what DS1 calls 'proper' time and he is controlling us anyway by messing me about and changing times/days etc always at the last minute so we end up just waiting for him for a couple days a week.
So it was all futile anyway and I think that's what I've finally started to see today.

I'm getting more pissed off now I'm thinking about it. He has taken the absolute piss

OP posts:

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 12:31

Is this contact (not access) a family court arrangement or just a private. agreement?

He's encroaching, trying to gain access to your new home. That never needs to happen. It's up to him to have somewhere to take them, not up to you.

There are contact centres in most towns, so at a pinch he could ask to use one.

Contact is for the children and a hour a week isn't much, is it? He needs to set something up that he can stick to reliably and dependably. Cancelling or being a no-show is worse than no contact at all for the children.

Tell him to step up and sort it or he'll be having to take you to court and pay for it and stick to their rules. You've been reasonable; he needs to be, too.

Stressedout10 · 09/10/2019 12:31

No worries @GeneHuntLover I get it there are a lot of judgy people on here and I could of worded my post better

SmileEachDay · 09/10/2019 12:35

When you moved, was the EOW arrangement still supposed to happen? Ie were children meant to travel to his and back each contact weekend?

Did you arrange it privately or through the courts?

Drabarni · 09/10/2019 12:36

Don't let him stay at yours, whatever you do. You moved to be away from him.
You say "you'll never meet anyone" well for now considering your previous choice in men it might be a good thing for a while. Stay single and get to know yourself before looking for another man.
Look for a child minder so you can have time away from the kids, this is important for your sanity.
Just speak to ex about kids, if he can't pick them up, just keep contact to minimum. "Oh, that's a shame", end of that communication.

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 12:37

obviously downgrading on his previous accommodation He was at his mums
having moved he should have bigger property You mean having kids means he should have got a place where children are allowed right? obviously as thats what you do when you have kids
You have made the move to spite him. In the end it will only be the kids that suffer the worst Thats exactly the sort of shit he says and the only suffering happening is DS1 missing his dad time because of his Dads decision to stop having it

What will happen next is he will tell DS1 that Mummy stopped him staying at hers so it's Mummys fault now.
How the fuck did I miss this happening

OP posts:

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 12:39

I was going to do drop off/pick up to him (that way he wouldn't be turning up at mine whenever he fancied) on train about an hour each way and no it wasn't through courts

OP posts:

peachgreen · 09/10/2019 12:40

Can he afford a place big enough to have the children overnight? Is he paying maintenance? Sounds to me like it might be time to go through the courts.

Remember that contact with their dad is for your children's benefit, not so you can go out and socialise - that's what babysitters are for unfortunately.

incogKNEEto · 09/10/2019 12:41

Resist all attempts to gain access to your new home!

If he did take you to court he would be told that it is up to you to make sure the dc are available for contact but it is not your responsibility to facilitate his contact by allowing him to use your home. You may be asked to do some of the transport to him for his contact as you moved away but it is up to him to provide a suitable environment for contact to take place.

Also, if it was through a court order you would be able to set up regular contact times on a schedule to suit the dc and both parents and he would still be able to refuse to see the dc but wouldn't be able to mess you around by changing days/times etc as they would be set out in the schedule.

Main point you have to make the dc available for contact, not organise it for him! He's trying to control you via this so just bat it away and stick to simple communications only about the dc. Email or text is better as then there's a record of what has been said/agreed. Just don't engage in his games, only respond to relevant communications about the dc. Good luck!

SmileEachDay · 09/10/2019 12:44

I’d get it more formally agreed. Is his current place suitable for children?
How old are kids? Old enough to tell you if time with dad is ok or not? If they are very young they’re more vulnerable- are you absolutely certain they are safe with him?

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 12:45

ozzie I'm going to look into the contact order, but I think you're right that he won't bother he's just texted me accusing me of trying to control his life and if I 'interfere' in his access again(by asking if we can change it so it works) he'll cut all ties.

I tried so hard to be nice about working this out with him as well. I'm a dick

OP posts:

Stressedout10 · 09/10/2019 12:48

Is contact court ordered?
Does he pay cms?
If its not court ordered contact would it be worth getting a contact order
Also if he pays cms (or is it csa these days 🤷‍♀️) it might be worth pointing out to him that if he no longer has overnight contact at his home it will increase his payment.
I obviously don't know him but if he's the sort of twat that he is coming across as in your posts it will make a difference. Also with a court order in place (which you can ask to specify that the contact is not in your home) if he chooses not to see DC you can prove that you are not stopping him from seeing them he is

Andysbestadventure · 09/10/2019 12:49

Move to France!!

raspberryk · 09/10/2019 12:50

I think you are both U , you for moving and expecting him to be able to find somewhere to have the kids as per the EOW agreement. Him for expecting access at your house. What were you expecting as it looks like a deliberate move to stop him having regular access.

MsPavlichenko · 09/10/2019 12:55

It is about control. He wants to stop you having a life.

See a lawyer about agreed access, but be prepared for him to drop right out of the DC's lives.regardless. You can't make him. Your best plan is to start planning your life without relying on him in anyway which will serve you better in the long run. If he steps up with the DC that is a bonus.

This is something we should all do imo Especially if you are thinking of another relationship.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/10/2019 12:55

Access at your house? No, no and a big fat no fucking way! It's your home and safe space, do not let him in.

As others have suggested go via the courts.

Stop getting into discussions with him. Give him eow and it's up to him to sort location etc out. Not your problem. He could sort a hotel, get a bigger place etc etc. But don't suggest it to him or he'll just use it for another argument.

If he rants at you ignore, if he blames you ignore, only respond if he asks a direct question about the dc. And respond with the minimum of words. I used to play a game with my ex and respond with the least amount of words. 'Ok' would suffice in most circumstances.

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