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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex wants access at mine

62 replies

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 11:55

So I moved across country to get away and he followed, he has got himself a room and has decided that it is fine for access(DS6 DS4) to go from overnight EOW to an hour a week.
Today it blew up as I haven't had any time to socialise since I moved 6 months ago, I know nobody and can't even name the local pub and I said I wanted him to sort out EOW as I want a life!
He's claiming I am being unreasonable and selfish and said his only option for overnights is to stay at mine(!)
Am I?

OP posts:

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 13:02

He was at his mums 'saving' for a place and the eow were happening there. He decided to follow and get a room (the room costs the same as local 1bed flats because it's in a lovely setting with en suite etc) he has stopped the overnights not me.
He was always unreliable so the distance meant that I would be the one delivering them ensuring they saw him regularly. I'm not sure how you've interpreted that as me trying to stop contact

OP posts:

PlasticPatty · 09/10/2019 13:09

he's just texted me accusing me of trying to control his life and if I 'interfere' in his access again(by asking if we can change it so it works) he'll cut all ties
He's a bastard. He's worming his way out of fathering and trying to blame you.
Step back emotionally and really think about France (is it in any way practicable, would you get family support if you were there?) and ways in which your life could be workable if you don't move again.
You can't take responsibility for his access visits. If DS asks, say 'Daddy has to arrange that and he hasn't done it yet'.
And get the access sorted re the court order or whatever.

HotChocolateLover · 09/10/2019 13:09

Just tell him (via text so you have a record) that there’s no problem seeing the kids. They will be ready at XX time and you hope they have a great time wherever they go. You don’t have to open your home to anyone.

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 13:15

@HotChocolateLover That's what im going to do, it sticks in my throat but it's not worth the constant hassle and resentment.

I'm really angry with myself for not seeing this is what was happening until it was too late. I honestly think he's planned this, there were several flats he could have got but he chose to get the room

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2019 13:20

How old are your children? Can you find a way to not let them know daddy is coming then they will be less upset when he doesn’t pitch? Give him a deadline of x time and go out. Ie plan a trip to the park or swimming, an activity etc as a back up plan.

I would conduct all conversation from now on via email. It makes this more formal and leaves a good trail. This way, if ever you need to prove the situation to your children when they are older, the courts etc, it will be far easier to do. Save texts from him on file as well. Horrid man.

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 13:27

Mostly yes I can keep it from them until he arrives, he has a habit of leaving with a cheery "I'll see you on ...." and then immediately forgets what he's said so DS1 is feeling let down even on the days he hasn't 'arranged' to see them because of off the cuff comments he makes.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpinneyHill · 09/10/2019 13:35

@PlasticPatty the 'cut all ties' comment is an attempt to spook me into giving him what he wants. He hasn't tried that one in a while but it really missed the intended mark as I'm just angry on DS1s behalf now.

OP posts:

PlasticPatty · 09/10/2019 13:55

Be strong @SpinneyHill. I have a 37 year old who is still miserable every Saturday because it was her dad's contact day and the stress related to that.

Poppinjay · 09/10/2019 13:55

Screenshot all his textx so you can show them to your DCs when they're older to demonstrate that you weren't preventing contact.

mankyfourthtoe · 09/10/2019 13:57

Tell him you'll let them kids know he won't be coming.
Tell him when visitation is and when he can drop them back off, you will have to go out!

Ozziewozzie · 09/10/2019 13:59

If you can, provide CAFCASS with such messages to support his poor efforts. Believe me, they are used to dealing with idiots such as him. Remind yourself, you are taking these steps for the benefit of your children. If he chooses not to comply, you will have evidence from court that you tried. So whatever the twat tells the kids, is irrelevant. You will also know that you’ve done the right thing and can then close the door in him x

Bellringer · 09/10/2019 14:37

Just send him a schedule. If he can't take negotiate his possibilities bin him off. Hope. You are getting maintainance

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