Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Solid evidence my husband is cheating AIBU to act like I don't know

73 replies

Teddyo · 09/10/2019 00:22

Hello.

I have video recordings and text messages of my husband cheating. We have a 10 month old together and have been married for over 4 years. I don't want to do anything reckless, as I won't be left with much if I was to ask him to leave now. AIBU to go about things as usual until I piece myself together bit my bit until I'm in a position to kick his ass out the door?

If you ladies could please give me some advice on what I need to do before I terminate this toxic marriage, I would very much appreciate it.

I did absolutely everything for this d**k. I became a traditional housewife for him. Gave up all my studies and many future prospects. I need to start from scratch again. I feel very stupid for trusting him.

Please be nice. Don't kick me while I'm down!

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Passtherioja · 09/10/2019 00:24

Take your time if you can. Too many people throw everything at them at the first opportunity and then either get talked into the fact it's a "one off mistake" or you've "got it all wrong". Act when you're ready -good luck x

instaglum · 09/10/2019 00:28

Hi. I'm really sorry. This is a shit time for you. Do you want to tell any more about how you got the recordings, or the wider situation? It might be easier to give advice.

Namenic · 09/10/2019 00:36

I guess financially, it may be better to see if you can put baby in nursery and get a job before leaving. But if he is still having the affair, there is the risk of STIs and also the emotional impact of staying. It is not an easy situation - I’m sorry. Could it be helpful to see a solicitor to help clarify your financial situation (as if he earns enough he may have to pay maintenance).

PointlessUsername · 09/10/2019 00:36

You do what is best for you and the dc.

I am always surprised when the wronged partner has this information and is able to not kick off instantly, i would struggle.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 09/10/2019 00:37

For a start, save money in a secret account. Does he keep a tight eye on what you spend? You can get the odd bit of cash back, when you’re shopping. It’ll just show up as a supermarket, etc spend. That will help you build up an escape fund.

Make sure you know about every bit of his finances. Get copies of all bank accounts, property, etc. Get a passport for your baby and keep it safe, along with your own, plus birth certificates, etc. This is to prevent him skipping the country, in some circumstances.

Make sure you keep all evidence of his cheating, in a very safe place, in someone else’s house if possible. Play the long game, until you can leave the wanker.

tensmum1964 · 09/10/2019 00:38

Just do what is best for you. If you can hold of confronting him until you are feel ready then do so. I am too fiery to ever hold back but I love stories about women who can. Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold. Good luck and I hope you are able to move on and have a better life without him.

managedmis · 09/10/2019 00:40

Store the photos and evidence in an online cloud style account.

Access all your financial information, copy it and save it also on cloud software.

Find copies of all important documents : baby's birth certificate, passports, wedding certificate, anything financial at all. Download bank statements etc. Electric bills, gas, TV etc, who pays this? You need to prove what you have been paying for and what he has also.

Go see a divorce lawyer. Is the house in your name?

Original poster
Teddyo · 09/10/2019 00:48

@instaglum I'm ashamed to say, I got a hold of these by snooping. I had a feeling for many months but held back until I felt he was comfortable to start leaving his phone around. The one time he left it, I snooped, sent myself anything I could get and deleted the evidence from his end that he had ever sent me anything.

I have stored this on Dropbox. I have been doing this recurrently so have a folder with many dates of his infidelity.

The property is in my name, the bills are under my name, though at the minute, he's the sole income earner.

OP posts:
instaglum · 09/10/2019 00:51

Not you that should be ashamed. I think women just 'know' a lot of the time. I did.

Charliecatpaws · 09/10/2019 00:59

Would you be able to resume your studies to ensure a better earning potential in future and ride it out until you are in a better financial place?

managedmis · 09/10/2019 01:01

Who pays the mortgage?

You need to get back to work ASAP

managedmis · 09/10/2019 01:02

Courage, BTW Flowers you got this

kateandme · 09/10/2019 01:03

do you have joint account.is there a way to get your own and start putting money into this.
job and income for yourself?
do you have anyone in rl you can tell.this is going to be hard.you need support.
do you know how much he earns and any cash he has.
do you feel strong enough to leave,do you think at the moment there is any way he can "smooth" it all over and get you back.would there be any way you would want to?
make sure you take photos of finances paper work etc.
talk to solicitor.is there a way to get every lat thing sorted with one and then you just go bam,hes out on his ass?
do you need to give yourself a time limit on how long to wait and get things sorted.becasue this will be horrible to live with and so toxic.you dont want this to make you ill or hurt you more by keeping this going.

Ibiza2015 · 09/10/2019 01:05

It sounds like bills is are your main worry. Is there a mortgage, it’s not clear. Have you got, for example, family who can help you out with that? Parents? Are there tax credits and child benefit in your name?

Otherwise it’s a case of using an online benefit calculator to work out what you’d get with him gone. Will post link below. I guess that will help you work out if it would be doable or if you’d need to bide your time.

breakfastpizza · 09/10/2019 01:14

If you can bear it, I agree with the PP who suggested you get a job and your first months' wages before you kick him out.

Purpleartichoke · 09/10/2019 01:17

You don’t owe him anything at this point. Do all the planning and preparation you need to do.

AllTheNameAreTakenEvenThisOne · 09/10/2019 01:48

You need legal advice as to whether he'd have a claim on the property as you're married.

And, what effect hanging on will have, might it give him a larger claim on the property?

Please talk to a friend in RL if you can.

LellyMcKelly · 09/10/2019 02:17

Start with your endgame in mind. Decide what you want. Gather together all the evidence you can . Save money where you can. Then see a shit hot lawyer.

DonKeyshot · 09/10/2019 02:20

May I suggest that you report your post and ask Mumsnet to move it to Relationships where responders have considerable experience of cutting off bollocks with a rusty knife adulterous spouses and you'll receive sound advice on every aspect of his your unfortunate situation.

Why the fuck do they do it and what the fuck makes these arsewipes think they can get away with it?

Blindandfrozen · 09/10/2019 04:00

How long have you been out of work if your baby is 10 months old? You should not find it that difficult to get back into employment/study

AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2019 04:37

See a solicitor, NOW.

Good legal advice is invaluable, especially for a spouse with no (or low) income of her/his own.

FriedasCarLoad · 09/10/2019 05:13

Please know that you haven’t been stupid. He is 100% in the wrong here and you are 0% to blame.

sandgrown · 09/10/2019 06:12

Take your time and gather all the evidence and financial details that you can. Make sure if you have a joint account that he cannot simply withdraw all your money ( this happened to me) . I found out my husband was having an affair and rushed in all guns blazing and it cost me a lot of money. I would also get some legal advice if you can. Good Luck .

everyonebutme · 09/10/2019 06:39

Some great advice here. I did exactly the same. I found out and lived with it for a long time without telling anyone while I got myself sorted out and decided what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it and what I wanted out of it. I was actually wondering when he would tell me he wanted to leave but I had to raise it first in the end. Although the house is in your name, you are married so I'm not sure how you would stand - definitely get some legal advice now.

Mella91 · 09/10/2019 07:06

Work your way to independence first. Tell your husband you want to work. Find a job arrange daycare for your child and get out of your toxic marriage

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.