Solid evidence my husband is cheating AIBU to act like I don't know

[Teddyo]

Hello.

I have video recordings and text messages of my husband cheating. We have a 10 month old together and have been married for over 4 years. I don't want to do anything reckless, as I won't be left with much if I was to ask him to leave now. AIBU to go about things as usual until I piece myself together bit my bit until I'm in a position to kick his ass out the door?

If you ladies could please give me some advice on what I need to do before I terminate this toxic marriage, I would very much appreciate it.

I did absolutely everything for this d**k. I became a traditional housewife for him. Gave up all my studies and many future prospects. I need to start from scratch again. I feel very stupid for trusting him.

Please be nice. Don't kick me while I'm down!

Thanks

See a solicitor. Bear in mind that if you don't take action on this evidence within six months, you can't use it as grounds for divorce.

Good luck x

The property would be your major concern. Is there much equity in it? Is he paying towards improvements/household expenses at all? Did you buy it before or after marriage?

Are you going to keep having sex with him? That's the thing that I couldn't do. I would see a solicitor and then divorce him on the grounds of infidelity.

When you say the house is in your name, do you mean the mortgage or the rental agreement?

If you want to divorce in the griunds of his adultery remember you must di that within six months of the adultery taking place.

Get out now tbh finically if you stay a few more years doubt you would be able to save any great sum of money .
Happiness can be worth a lot more than a few grand .

I'd just confront him now and get it over with? Do it whilst baby is still young and not going to notice too much

You're already in a good position in that the house is yours - you gave up work so to be the primary carer so at least he'd find it hard to contest custody arrangements

I don't want to do anything reckless, as I won't be left with much if I was to ask him to leave now.

Hmmm, but how long do you have to stay before you do have enough to leave? A month I’d be able to do maybe, but are you talking 6 months? A year? No, I don’t think I could stay without talking him I’d found out.

If he’s having sex with someone else-are you still going to sleep with him?

I would speak to citizens advice as a starting point if you are rented accommodation, also to find out what benefits you are entitled to. Start the process of applying for them now and get those ducks in a row. I am going to contradict other posters if you are in the UK and suggest you hold off getting a job just now, with a 10 month old baby and going through a divorce, its a hell of alot to deal with and your baby is guaranteed to get sick starting nursery, quite frequently in fact, you don't need the burden of a new job and dealing with that with everything else going on. Then you can take your time and decide if you want to resume your studies or go into work once your life has calmed down a little.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I wish the best for you and your wee girl xxxx

Yet another cheating bstard. I wouldnt say anything yet and do what you suggested by putting money to the side.
Also,start on your career behind his back,so you can start all over again without money worries.
When the time comes,and being the house is in your name,pack his bags change all door locks whilst he`s out and throw the bags on the front garden.
Also make plenty of copies of all the information you have gathered and you may want to share them with his family/friends/the other woman etc.
That would be a nice kick in his teeth.

Start by gathering all the paperwork you need and getting legal advice.
Also open a separate bank account if you don’t already have one.
Good luck

Sorry this has happened. If you can bear to take your time and plan then do so. Take the good advice on here and consider carefully. I wish I had your patience, I'm a bit of a bridge burner which I don't recommend. Good luck.

Another one who doesn't judge you for forwarding yourself evidence.

Get yourself in better financial order first.

Are you going to keep having sex with him?

That’s what I was thinking. If they’re having sex at the moment, and OP doesn’t want him to know that she’s getting her ducks lined up, this is an additional complication. But I wouldn’t want to sleep with him either.

See a solicitor, second what a pp said about the 6 month rule regarding adultery.
I would NOT make myself in a visibly better financial position, divorce courts will award you more based on your current situation and the imbalance of wealth. Don't let him have a penny more than you have to, I bitterly regret allowing my XH have 50% of the marital assets for an easy life. Because it didn't work.
Some things that are useful though are a store of food, plus each time you do the weekly shopping save as much as possible by swapping brands and eating cheap meals but then make up to roughly what you'd normally spend and get it put on a gift card/get cash back and hide it.
I'd also saved a lot of money in nectar points, coupons and managed to get them to last the whole time I was waiting for my benefits to come through.

I’m most sure whether you should rush to get a job. Maintenance will be based on both your earnings and unless you want shared custody, the fact that you are clearly the main carer will go in your favour if he wants to argue for custody.

See a soliticitor about this. You can always get a job later, but take care of you and your baby now and during the break up. Don’t rush back just because of his infidelity, you will be okay even if finances are tough for a while.

@raspberryk sound advice

Regarding the sex, she can say no. She doesn't have to justify why to him.

Good luck OP.

Only move to relationships if you want. Most posters are intelligent enough to be able to answer without being restricted by the topic. The only issue is if you feel you want advice from posters you know who may have hidden AIBU.

Some sound advice on here OP. Do whatever is best for you and your DC. Wishing you luck!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. You've stated that the house is in your name and bills etc, that's a strong position for you to be in but I'd see a solicitor ASAP. Agree with the others, you have every right to bide your time to put things in place and then confront him when you are more armed. That takes an awful lot to do and I have masses of respect you can do that. When I found the solid evidence I confronted him right away as I couldn't stand another moment of his presence. I couldn't have acted as if I didn't know as he had gaslighted me for so long.

Good luck!

Ist - STI check. Get to your local GUM or SHAW clinic.
I'd honestly tell him that you are feeling something is very wrong (down there) so you are getting a test. See the panic rise in his face!!!!

2nd - get to solicitor asap. Although the house is in your name, you are married so it's an asset of that marriage. You need some legal advice on this asap.

3rd - talk to a trusted friend or relative and get some RL advice and support.

4th - Get back to work asap. Start putting some money aside.
Do you have access to money? Could you start putting bits and bobs aside?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Please learn, to never give up any hopes and dreams for a 'man' in the future.
This is YOUR life too. Take control of it and do what you want with it.

Book a free half hour appointment with a Solicitor. They can advise you far better as to what to put in place.

I'm not sure I could keep that to myself, and I think you'd be very justified in throwing him out/changing the locks if the house is in your name.

This must feel horrendous

If you leave it too long you will be seen as condoning his behaviour.
Get to a solicitor ASAP. Knowledge is power. Take their advice.
Don't have sex with him and get tested at the clinic.

I would go ballistic as soon as I knew but there are massive benefits to getting advice first and then telling him you are separating and how it's going to pan out. I admire your cool head.

@Span1elsRock solicitors don't give free half hour appointments

@dancemom - some do.
But not many so OP will need to phone around.