Solid evidence my husband is cheating AIBU to act like I don't know

[Teddyo]

Hello.

I have video recordings and text messages of my husband cheating. We have a 10 month old together and have been married for over 4 years. I don't want to do anything reckless, as I won't be left with much if I was to ask him to leave now. AIBU to go about things as usual until I piece myself together bit my bit until I'm in a position to kick his ass out the door?

If you ladies could please give me some advice on what I need to do before I terminate this toxic marriage, I would very much appreciate it.

I did absolutely everything for this d**k. I became a traditional housewife for him. Gave up all my studies and many future prospects. I need to start from scratch again. I feel very stupid for trusting him.

Please be nice. Don't kick me while I'm down!

Thanks

You're getting some sound advice in general.

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF GETTING BACK TO WORK BEFORE YOU SEPERATE/THE DIVORCE IS SETTLED.

Some solicitors do give free 30 min appointments or phone appts. I had one a couple weeks ago for an employment issue.
I'm glad the house is in your name op. Long term you may need to sell but you might be allowed to stay til your child is much older.
Sorry you're going through this.

Hi all,

Thank you for all your posts.

I had a negative test result for STIs.

We're living in a private rented property.

I have spoken to my previous employer and he said I am welcome back any time.

Somehow, I don't feel much. I saw this coming. I'm content.

As for sex, he never asks to sleep with me (it all makes sense now, anyway). I'm very beautiful inside out, so it's totally his loss.

I won't give up hope in finding a better man.

Lots of love,

Teddyo

solicitors don't give free half hour appointments

They certainly do. Many solicitors - especially in Family Law - do this. I used to work at a law firm and they all had to do this. It's a marketing tactic, basically. You go speak to them and they explain how it works, hopefully they'll be clear on how much it'll cost, perhaps give a little advice. They hope to gain your custom.

As a client, it's a chance to meet the solicitor and get a feel for whether you want them to take on your matter.

I'd advise using a solicitor who's been recommend to you but if you don't have a recommendation (or you have more than one) then you could even go to see 2 or 3 for the free half hour if you wanted to.

FWIW since I'm in the US, my cousin worked one day a week and her solicitor told her NOT to increase her work hours after her cheating Ex left as it would definitely affect child support (as it's called here). She was a dental hygienist which is a well paying job where we live. She was told to 'sit tight' until all was settled. Since she had two small children the courts wouldn't expect her to return to full time work/increase her hours because her being home the majority of the time was the 'norm' for the kids.

See a solicitor. Beg, borrow, or steal the money to do so. It's the best investment you can make in your future.

(Prompted by recent threads) think about whether you will be changing your surname and whether you'll want to change your DC's surname - if so, draft the parental consent letter for him to sign so it's ready for when you talk about that stuff.

Since you are in a private rental, you can get Universal Credit towards your rent and to top up your earnings once you get back to work. It takes a while for the payments to kick in though so save save save, as much money as you can to see you through for a couple of months. If the property is in your name only and you don't own the home you can ask him to leave, but you need to speak to your landlord and see if they will accept UC payments. Child support will not be affected by how many hours you work or how much you get in benefits, it's based on his income only.

Good luck. You are worth better than this.

OP I'm sorry you found this out. How shabby and disloyal. You have had some good advice here. I slightly question the advice nothing get s job before the financial settlement. I understand the reasoning but I think longer term the more you can do now to support your new independent life and find some of your costs re breaking up the better. Getting a career back on track is the best idea for your future.

I hate to be nosey but can o ask how come you have film evidence?

Child maintenance isnt affected if op works inthe uk its base don his wages only-so yes do go back to work if u can save up and get some legal advice

Sounds like youve got this covered OP. Im sorry your husband is a dick. He always will be. You will be fine though.

Keep quietly carrying on if you can until you have copies of every single financial arrangement - his pay, the mortgage details, anything that he might try to hide in court. Quietly set up a separate bank account if you don't have one and talk to the bank to check your rights on any joint ones so he can't clear it out. Talk to a solicitor about a separation arrangement and make sure you and the child can stay in the house. Then one night, when you're ready, book him a hotel room for a couple of nights, tell him you know and would appreciate him leaving for the next couple of nights while you start separation proceedings. If he gets violent phone the police.

Oh, and it goes without saying, don't have unprotected sex with him - in fact, avoid sex at all.

Not had time to read whole posts
If I remember rightly
If you leave it longer than 6 months you are deemed to have accepted the adultery and cant use it for di orcr

Get the tenancy out solely in his name.
Then put yourself on the housing list. Actually don't do that. Save money in the meantime, and then when you tell him everything he can kick you out, leave you homeless then you go to the council with your toddler (at the time most likely will be a toddler) and try get council housing. Be easier to afford while working and childcare etc.

Literally anything in your name, secretly put it in his.

Start asking him for extra money, make excuses... save it

Near the end time, sell all his fucking electronic shit and anything of value.

The fact that the house is in your name [etc] will not stop him having a claim. The starting point for divorce is a 50:50 split. This does not mean [however] that he will get 50% but simply that he will not be left with nothing

No advice just wanted to say good luck op he's a massive knob and I'm glad you know your worth x

Great advice on here, I just want to add what a fucking arsehole he is.
Good luck OP, you are doing great.

It isn't about child maintenance but the rest of the divorce package which is affected by the OP's income. She is likely to get awarded a better deal/more of any marital assets/pension/car/savings and even spousal maintenance which I avoided because I wanted a clean break and Spousal Maint affects benefit claims.

Are people missing the part where OP says the house is rented?

A house isn't the only marital asset, we had to declare all savings, pensions, inheritance past and likely future, cars and their value, any other high value possessions.

It'a also based on the age of her child, arranging childcare and a new job whilst going through a divorce and the guarantee her child will get sick ,frequently might I add, during those first months of being in nursery if that is the only option to her. If the OP is on benefits she may qualify for legal aid and support with rent at least whilst she deals with the already huge impact of going through a divorce with a 10 month old baby. There is plenty of time to work on a career/education once the waters have calmed a bit.

I am not long back from maternity leave and it has been a bloody nightmare with baby getting sick and that is with spousal support. Unless the OP is desperate to start work immediately then I wouldn't say that taking each hurdle at a manageable pace is wrong, at least for her mental health rather than financial. Her future won't be ruined by a few months on benefits with her baby

So sorry this has happened to you OP. You sound like you’re handling it amazingly well so far.
Just wanted to say about the posters saying to wait - be aware the clock is now ticking for getting a divorce on the grounds of adultery. If you stay living together in the marital home for more than six months after becoming aware that your spouse has cheated you are deemed to have accepted it and cannot use it to get a divorce. Shocking and old-fashioned but true. Beware!